Skin Deep (19 page)

Perversely, I was angry with the kid in case she was disappointed he hadn’t made a move. ‘I don’t leap on anyone who doesn’t want me to.’

‘No, I know. I’m sorry,’ she said and I could see she meant it. ‘But some people just want to be friends, or are shy, or –’

‘Or weird,’ I supplied helpfully. ‘So did anything happen?’

‘He bought me a Coke.’

‘Ooh, slick!’

She gave me a dirty look. ‘I thought it was nice. And he saved my seat for me when it was my turn to bowl.’

‘He’s a real player, isn’t he?’ Now I was mad at him for being interested in her and crap at it.

‘Are you going to keep on being horrible?’

‘No.’ I sighed and tried to look like I wasn’t going to be a git any longer. ‘What else happened?’

‘I’m not talking about it any more.’

‘Did you want him to kiss you?’

‘No. Now shut up. I’m sorry you wasted your time yesterday.’

I’m not
. ‘Never mind. It’ll come in useful eventually.’ Even I wanted to hit me for how I sounded. ‘Sorry, I’m a bit stressed. Bad day.’ Not that I wanted to get into that, but I needed to change the subject fast.

It worked. The urge to slap me vanished from her face. ‘Oh? Why?’ She shuffled closer on the bale.

I picked at a piece of straw, wishing I’d kept my mouth shut. ‘Mum’s not very well again.’

‘What’s she doing?’

‘Can’t sleep, cleaning everything, snappy and mean, and then . . . oh, the usual. It’ll get worse for a few weeks until she hits her downer. Then she won’t get out of bed for weeks.’ Jenna did that thing where she put my hand between both of hers. I liked that. I liked the attention and I felt a sad bastard for admitting it. She had really soft hands, soft skin. ‘But I don’t know what to do this time because I’ll be at work and I won’t be able to stop her doing anything stupid. I should’ve thought of that, but I didn’t.’

‘Can I do anything to help? I get home from school earlier than you. I could sit with her until you get back.’

I wanted to bury my face in her neck when she said that. Hug her tight and hold on. But I didn’t. ‘No, she can be really spiteful when she’s ill. I’m used to it. You’re not.’

She sat up on her knees on the hay bale so she was taller than me and put both arms round me. I closed my eyes and leaned on her shoulder.

‘I might not be able to come out much while she’s like this. I ought to stay with her when I get home from work.’

‘So text me if you think she’s up to visitors and I’ll come round and see you.’

I looped my arms round her waist so she’d sit there with me for a while longer. We watched Raggs rolling in the loose straw and scratching himself. I wished she’d kiss me out of sympathy so I could find out if yesterday was a fluke, but she didn’t.

Mum was out when I went back to the boat. I got tired of sitting around waiting for her to get back and my head hurt so I went to bed. She hadn’t gone off like this for a long time, but it wasn’t the first time. I thought things had changed. Obviously not.

I started thinking about Jenna again. That maybe I only wanted her because she was off-limits. That’s how it is with what you can’t have – you want it all the more for it being taboo. Jenna was doing exactly what she should: going out with some kid her own age who was probably as clueless as her, who her parents would like, who’d still be here in six months time.

For fuck’s sake
. . . I didn’t want to move on. I liked it here – the job, hanging out with her. I couldn’t stop the smile curling at my mouth – I loved how she looked at me, like I was smart and knew stuff she didn’t, like I had all the answers and could make everything better. I tried to stop loving it because it didn’t help, but the feeling was always there when I saw those things in her face.

I wish she was here now. I wish she was older. I wish we never had to leave.

What if I left and she got all hung up about her scar again? Perhaps it bothered me less because I’d never known her without it, but she was my friend so she didn’t look ugly to me.

Girls always got way too worked up about how they looked. Most of them looked fine. But get their clothes off and they all got flappy about whether they were fat and all that crap. Drove me nuts because I wouldn’t be there if I didn’t like how they looked. But like with Sadie – the bra was padded, but so what? Other bits of her were great. Though with Sadie, it sure wasn’t her personality. Jenna didn’t have big tits, not at all, but small could be good too. She had the cutest bum in those jodhpurs, and hair you wanted to bury your face in and stroke all the time.

I had to stop thinking like this. I wished Cole was here to help me get my head straight.

Maybe it was a good thing I wouldn’t see so much of Jenna for a while. It didn’t feel good though. It felt empty and achy inside, especially at the thought she might hook up with this guy while I was busy with Mum.

As if on cue, I heard the door crash open. Mum was laughing. So was another voice, a male one. I heard her saying something, then him replying. She wasn’t drunk. He was. She was worse than drunk. High. High on whatever ate up her head. They stumbled into her bedroom. I put the pillow over my head to drown their noise out. She was never quiet when she was like this.

The following weekend, I went out with the people from school again.
We decided to go and see a film on Friday night. The nearest cinema was fifteen miles away at an out of town shopping complex. Beth’s mum was recruited to drive us there and pick us up in her MPV so we all squashed in together.

When we got there, the cinema foyer was packed and I fought the urge to run for it. Beth glanced at me anxiously and I made myself remember what Ryan had said.

‘So what if people stare. Let them. Ignore it.’

‘But . . .’

‘But nothing. Forget them. They don’t matter. People are sheep. They stare at anything they haven’t seen before. If someone off the telly walked in, they’d stare. Doesn’t mean anything.’ He grinned. ‘Stare back – they’ll soon stop.’

Matthew, his sister Katie and I went for the drinks and popcorn. The girl at the counter flinched when I gave her the order so I pretended I was Ryan and raised an eyebrow and looked her back full in the face. She turned away quickly, but when she handed me the drinks she acted like I was just any other person in the queue.

‘It’s just a surprise to people. Let them get used to it. Don’t overreact.’

Of course, I’d also had the warning about Matthew trying it on.

‘Remember, if you don’t want to then you don’t –’

‘Yes, I heard you the first ten times.’

In the dark of the cinema, no one could see my face and I started to feel normal again. The way I used to last year when I was out with friends. That feeling didn’t go away when we went for pizza afterwards and I realised Ryan might be right. The more I relaxed, the easier the others were around me and their eyes didn’t slide away from my scars as much. He wasn’t right about Matthew though. Katie kept on teasing him about how he fancied Chloe in the year below, but wasn’t getting anywhere. I wondered at why I wasn’t disappointed about that. Why I had to stop a grin of relief. The truth was I’d rather have Ryan in my head than a real boyfriend right now. Beth wouldn’t be impressed if I told her that. She’d say I was hiding away again. But Ryan hadn’t kissed her, so what did she know?

I went round to the boat for a while when I got home. Ryan looked relieved to see me. Karen was all smiles and gushing with talk, but she made me dizzy with her jumping up and fiddling with things for no reason. She walked in and out of the kitchen, sitting down then going out to move tins of tea about, turning the kettle on and off, babbling away the whole time. Even when Ryan was talking to me, he was watching her and his eyes were red with tiredness.

I couldn’t stay long. I had to get home before Dad freaked at how late I was. Ryan walked me up to the house, his torch lighting the way up the towpath and along the lanes. When we got to the gate, I felt so bad for him that I reached up and hugged him.

‘You look shattered.’

‘Yeah,’ he said with a sigh. ‘She’s been driving me crazy tonight. I’d better get back. I’m going to try to get her to go to bed. Bad day at work too.’

‘Why?’

‘Sadie told her dad about that fight at the Rugby Club. She made me sound like a total psycho. Pete had a right go at me.’

‘Why did she do that?’ I asked, brimming with indignation.

He sighed again. ‘Revenge. It could’ve been worse, but I don’t know why she waited so long to do it.’

‘Maybe she thought she could get back with you and now she’s realised it won’t happen.’

‘Yeah, maybe. She does keep showing up at the yard, but I stay out of her way.’

‘She’s such a bitch. Are you in trouble?’

‘No, Pete’s OK about it now. He went off at me about being a dumb-ass and giving the place a bad name. And giving myself one. But then Bill made me tell them why I did it. And Pete said he’d have done the same. Sorry, I know you hate people knowing what happened.’

‘It’s all right. As long as it got you out of trouble. Look, Mum and Dad are out with Charlie at his Swim Club thing tomorrow. I’ll come round again for an hour if you like?’

He hugged me tighter and nodded. But he didn’t make a dumb joke or tease.

He waited until I got to the front door and then the torch beam headed back down the lane.

The next week seemed to go in a flash.
When I got in from work on Friday evening, I could hear Mum singing in the bathroom. I checked my phone, but there was no text from Jenna. Mustn’t be back from the supermarket yet. Maybe she’d call later. Maybe we could do something after work tomorrow. Just me and her doing some regular stuff.

Mum breezed out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Her eyes had a glassy look. I knew what that meant.

‘You going out?’ I asked before she disappeared into the bedroom.

‘Yes,’ she replied and shut the door on me.

I stamped back to the rocking chair and sat down to wait.

She emerged an hour later, face painted and reeking of some scented oil.

‘Where are you going?’

‘Into town. The bus goes in fifteen minutes.’

‘To a pub?’

‘Yes, Ryan, to a pub.’

The look she gave me warned me to shut up, but I didn’t. ‘To pick up another guy, I guess.’

‘What’s it to you?’ Her voice hitched in anger. ‘What I do is none of your business. No man controls me and I’m not having my kid trying to start that.’

‘What if you meet some weirdo? There’s nutters out there. You can’t keep doing this, Mum. It’s dangerous.’

‘That’s the argument men have used to keep their women controlled for years. For centuries. “You’re weaker than us. You need us to protect you. Get back in your place, where you’re no threat to our primitive ideas of masculinity.” Haven’t I taught you anything?’ Her hands waved wildly, another ‘back off’ sign.

‘What’s wrong with being worried about you getting attacked?’ I didn’t mean to sound as aggressive as I did, but I was tired. She’d kept me awake most of last night pacing up and down the boat and banging things about.

She laughed. ‘Well, if you are
so
concerned about my safety, you can come along and sit in the corner and follow me home. And if I haven’t been attacked by then, you can take yourself off to bed and mind your own fucking business.’

‘You’re serious? You expect me to sit there while you pick up some guy?’

She stormed forward and shoved me. ‘Why not? If all you care about is me being safe. Bullshit! You’re trying to control me. My God, Ryan, I tried with you, I really tried, but you’re just like all the rest. You’re such a disappointment to me. My great big failure. My –’

‘Mum, you’re not well. I’m supposed to tell you when that happens. You know I am. We agreed.’

‘Oh, I’m mad, am I now? Because I want to go out and get laid?’ I jerked back from her and her lip curled in disgust. ‘Can’t stand to hear that? It’s about keeping me in my place, isn’t it? I can see it written all over you.’

‘No! You’re my mum and . . . and . . . mums don’t talk to their kids like that. It’s just . . . not right . . .’

‘Not right? Women have the right to control their own sexuality –’

‘Mum, really, you’re not well. You’ve not been sleeping and you know what that means.’

‘So I’ll sleep better after I’ve had sex!’ She giggled and it made me feel sick to hear that when her face was red with anger.

‘You did this to Cole. When you got ill. Shouting at him, blaming him for things, saying he didn’t respect you.’

‘Oh, Cole, always bloody Cole. Did you have some little fantasy that he was your replacement father and we were some ridiculous stereotyped family? Let me tell you about families, Ryan, the kind you want. They’re all white and crisp-washed cotton sheets on the outside, but when you look inside, they’re dirty and stained and stinking.’