Society of Heroes with Indeterminate Talent (10 page)

16.

Not quite bulletproof

It was nightfall and a half moon hung high in the sky shining faintly over the secluded warehouse on the industrial estate.

Shrouded in darkness, Agent One crept along the fence line inching his way closer towards the unit with his colleague trailing behind slowly.  Suddenly his colleague stood on a dry twig and the agent froze on the spot as the loud crack echoed around the estate.  Licking his lips nervously Agent One hunkered down to his haunches and fixed his eyes on the armed guard who stood by the front door of the warehouse making frequent glances at his watch.

Breathing a sigh of relief the agent glanced back at his colleague and raised a finger to his lips as he sidled over to him.  Unsnapping his night vision binoculars from his backpack the agent raised them to his eyes and scanned the building, before turning and raising two fingers at his colleague.

"Are you swearing at me for making a noise?" whispered his colleague.

"No, that's not what I was signaling." replied the agent in a hushed voice.

"But your knuckles were facing me!"

Agent One shook his head in irritation then turned his hand the other way round with palm towards him.

"Now you're doing the victory sign."

"I'm telling you there are two guards," hissed the agent.  "One at the front door and one patrolling the rear of the warehouse, and both are carrying weapons."

"Oh, so what do we do now?"

"Now we wait for the right moment before we take them down."

"Take who down?"

"You did read the preliminary briefing document on the mission, didn’t you, Darren?"

"Yes."

"Excellent."

After a few moments of silence Darren blinked a few times then looked across to Agent One.

"Actually I never read it.  Was I meant to?"

"It may have proved beneficial on this life-threatening mission of national security Darren, so yes, you should have read the briefing document."

"Which bit was that?"

"The page titled briefing document, the one after the map."

"Riiiggghhhttt…did you read it?"

"Did I read the preliminary briefing document on the life-threatening mission of national security?"

"Yes that one."

"Yes Darren, I read the preliminary briefing document on the life-threatening mission of national security,"

"That's good." muttered Darren staring off into the distance at the guard stationed outside the warehouse door with his machine gun cradled over his shoulder.

"So what did it say?"

"What did what say?" asked Agent One frowning.

"The preliminary briefing document on the life-threatening mission of national security."

"Our intel tells us that the warehouse we're about to raid is the UK epicenter of international arms trade.  Inside that building a crime organization is illegally brokering huge weapon shipments to unstable countries.  We are here to put a stop to this trafficking once and for all."

"It sounds dangerous," remarked Darren.  "Do you think they'll have guns in there?"

"There is a very strong chance that there may be guns inside the building trading guns, but this is exactly the reason why I specially selected you for this mission.  They call you Bulletproof, right?"

"Yes, that's right." said Darren a little hesitantly.

"The plan is I'll radio for backup and then we'll move in."

"Is that before or after back-up has arrived?"

"Before," said Agent One.  "I will use you as my defensive shield when they open fire.  I will be fully protected while you take all the gunfire until they run out of ammo then back-up should have arrived and we'll take them down."

"Just out of curiosity, what sort of guns do you think they will have?"

"If I was a betting man I would guess they would be equipped with fully automatic AK-47's assault rifles capable of one hundred rounds per minute effective up to three hundred meters.  Don’t get me wrong Darren, it's a very dangerous situation, but I wouldn’t be going in there if it wasn’t for you and your superpowers.  That's why they call you Bulletproof, right?"

"Well…yes.  That's the second part of my superhero name."

"You have a first part?" asked Agent One frowning.  "I didn’t see it on your application."

"Yes, I missed it off."

"What is it?"

"Almost."

"Almost what?"

"No, that's it." said Bulletproof smiling weakly.  "My name is Almost Bulletproof."

"Ahhh…okay," replied the agent nodding his head in understanding.  "Almost Bulletproof, I get you now."

He gazed off at the warehouse thinking for a moment, then rolled the words around on his tongue a few times before turning back to Darren.

"Almost Bulletproof, you say?  That's your superhero name?"

"Yes."

"Right, just checking."

Agent One turned back to the warehouse and narrowed his eyes in deep thought then looked back to Darren again.

"Almost, as in very nearly, just about, or more or less?"

"Yes."

"See that gives us a little bit of a problem Darren because when I think of almost I think of something that is not quite there.  Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Sure."

"So you're almost bulletproof, but not quite?"

"I'm bulletproof to every second bullet."

"Brilliant."

"Yes, and every second one after that so the fourth and the sixth and the…,"

"I get it Darren, but still you're only bulletproof to the second bullet, so you aren’t bulletproof to the first?"

"That's right."

"So you could die from the first bullet and then it doesn’t really matter much about the second bullet then does it?"

"Well, if I'm dead then no." remarked Darren nonplussed.

"Just to add to that, if you die from the first bullet and I would assume there would be a lot of bullets flying around, then I'm not protected in anyway."

"Not if I'm dead, no."

Agent One put his head in his hands and shook it slowly from side to side.

"Are you crying, agent?"

"A little.  We can't really do this mission then, can we?  In fact you're not really much use at all are you?"

"But I'm a superhero." replied Darren tetchily.

"Have you ever actually tried out your superpowers?"

"Are you kidding?  I'm not bulletproof to the first bullet am I?"

"So technically you don’t even know if you have any superpowers do you, Darren?"

"Not really."

"Excellent," said Agent One clapping his hands together in a slow clap.  "Well this has been fun.  Let's call in the backup and go to a drive-thru.  How's that sound?"

"Do they still have drive-by shootings at drive-thrus?" asked Darren with a worried expression on his face.

"Yes, but they only ever use the second bullet."

"That's alright then, let's go."

17.

The applications department is seriously understaffed

"I don’t know about this," said Agent One uneasily.  "I feel rather uncomfortable."

Agent Two scratched his nose and stared at his clipboard for a moment then thumbed through a few pages before glancing up at the waiting superheroes.

"It says they're superheroes right here, they've been signed off and everything." he muttered.

"These approved application forms are not worth the paper they are printed on, after all this is coming from the same department that signed off the Unseen Phantom."

"I thought he was pretty useful." commented Agent Two looking up.  "He had the power of invisibility, right?"

"Yes, but only in the dark.  What about Professor Neuron?  He claimed he was a telepath and had the ability to read the minds of other people."

"If I remember he did have some kind of parapsychic power."

"Yes, he had the amazing power to read his own mind."

"You may have a point, Agent One," said Agent Two nodding his head slowly.  "What about that fellow who could communicate with fruit?"

"A bizarre and strangely fascinating power, but useless all the same."

Sighing Agent One rubbed his tired eyes then stared at the five waiting superheroes that looked back blankly.

"Do they look like superheroes to you?  Would you feel confident taking them out into the field?"

Rubbing his chin thoughtfully Agent Two glanced back at his clipboard then up again.

"I can't make my mind up.  Which do you want?"

"I'm still thinking."

Both agents scrutinized the superheroes for several minutes, occasionally consulting their clipboards until finally Agent One let out a sigh and turned to his colleague.

"Okay, if these superheroes are field ready and approved, then I guess we're just going to have to use them.  So what do we have here?  We have the group of four on the left who call themselves the Fanspastic Four, and finally the man on the right sat upon two goats who calls himself Goatsrider.  Which do you want?"

"Hmmm…I don’t know," said Agent Two tapping his chin.  "Can we actually call them the Fanspastic Four?  Isn't that, you know, kind of derogatory and offensive?"

"I didn’t make the name up, they did," remarked Agent One looking at the four individuals.  "Tell me, why did you call yourselves the Fanspastic Four?"

"We chose that name because we're all mentally retarded." said one of the superheroes with his head tilted the side and his arm held in a crooked position, feet turned inward.

"You all have a form of mental retardation?" asked Agent One before looking at his colleague with a frown on his face.  "Am I allowed to ask that?"

"I guess so."

"We all have Down Syndrome." replied the man slowly with a sliver of drool snaking down his chin.

"Really?" gasped Agent One in mock surprise.  "I would never have guessed, even with the large forehead, bulging eyes, stunted growth and shortened hands."

"Can we go out in the field now?" asked the man looking up and focusing on the fluorescent light on the ceiling.

"Are you asking me the question or the light fitting?"

The man didn’t respond and Agent One looked to the man stood next to him who was gaping with a vacant look at the agent with his mouth wide open.

"Let me ask you a question," continued the agent.  "Do you think this condition would hinder you out in the field?"

"We're special because we have an extra chromosome." the man replied with a goofy grin.

"Yes, you're all very special indeed.  But I'm just running through your notes and looking for something that I may find beneficial to help us out on the dangerous streets of London and I really don’t see anything.  Can you just give me a brief overview of your superpowers?  Let's start with you sir, on the far left?"

"I have the mental ability of an eight year old." said the man licking the palm of his hand.

"That's fantastic.  What about you next to him?"

"I have weak muscle tone."

"That's great to hear and you next to him?"

"I have poor memory." said the man looking around him in bewilderment.  "Say, where are we?"

"Finally, you sir."

"I have slow reflexes." said the final man.

"All really good abilities to possess so thank you for sharing them with us today.  This must truly be a development milestone for you all," commented Agent One smiling before looking at his colleague.  "See I'm really uncomfortable asking these sorts of questions."

"You can take them and I'll take the man riding the goats."

"RSPCA will love this one." muttered Agent One.

"I am Goatsrider." boomed the man crossing his arms across his chest.

"Maaaaaaa." bleated the goats in tandem.

"I see you're wearing a black leather biker jacket with spiked shoulder pads, but I don’t see any hellfire and you have a pair of goats in place of a motorcycle." said Agent Two.

"I am Goatsrider."

"I think we have already established that, haven’t we Agent One?"

"He rides goats." acknowledged his colleague.

"Tell me Mr. Goatsrider, do they like you sitting on top of them.  They look pretty uncomfortable to me.  We may get challenged a little about animal cruelty, so may have to lose the goats."

"I am Goatsrider."

"I understand, but there's strange legislation about animal abuse called the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Act 1979 that we have to adhere to, so the goats might have to go."

"I love my goats." cried Goatsrider.  "They sleep with me."

"It's kind of cute when you think about it," said Agent Two.  "Two goats curled up like a pair of dogs on some fresh straw at the feet of their master."

"No, they sleep with me." yelled Goatsrider.  "We make love."

"Ahhhhh…," replied Agent Two trailing off into silence.

"We really do need a word with the applications department." said Agent One.

"I think the sooner the better."