Status Update (#gaymers) (4 page)

Suddenly the need to tell someone pushed the words out of the bottleneck of doubts in Adrian’s chest.

“It’s like this...Both of my parents are lawyers. My older sister’s an accountant. Middle sister just finished law school and joined my mom’s firm. And I’m a video game designer.”

“And you should be really proud of the work you do.
Space Villager
is already very popular.”

Adrian’s toes curled inside the too-big boots. Few people gave him such easy praise.

“You’re kind. And you’re also
Space
Villager’s target audience. But to my family, I’m the odd one—the kid with the strange food allergies who insisted on art classes and spent hours and hours alone in his room on programming projects. The guy who chose UCLA to pursue gaming as a
career
instead of going to either of my parents’ alma maters. I’ll always be one step away from a screwup.”

“And ending up in this campground alone would be a screwup?” Noah’s tone held so much understanding that Adrian’s eyes smarted. “It’s not your fault. Your boyfriend’s the one who messed up.”

“Yeah. They won’t see it that way.”

“They’d just leave you here?”

“Oh no.” Adrian had to smile at how outraged Noah sounded on his behalf. “But see I’ve got Pixel here. It’s not as easy as just wiring me a bus ticket. One of them is going to have to drive out here to get me. And then I’m the guy who can’t even choose a boyfriend right, the guy who can’t leave his dog in a kennel. As soon as I call, I’m the guy who fucked up his sister’s wedding week. The guy who proved every one of their fears about me to be spectacularly right.”

“Your sister’s getting married? On Thanksgiving?”

“The wedding’s Saturday. It’s also both her and her fiancé’s birthday.” Adrian took a deep breath. Might as well spill
all
of it. “It would be all romantic except she’s marrying my ex-boyfriend. And having his baby.”

“Your ex?” Noah blinked.

“My high school boyfriend. We did the whole long-distance through college, but eventually broke up. My sister consoled him in law school and now I’m going to be an uncle.”

“Congrats,” Noah said dryly.

“That’s why I was bringing Trent home. Not because I thought he was some great love of my life or something, but because I needed a date. I love Emily like crazy, but I can’t show up alone. Not to this. I’m supposed to be all happy for them but...”

“But it’s complicated.” Noah gave him an encouraging smile.

“Yeah. And now not only am I showing up without a date, I’m going to screw up everyone’s plans by requiring rescue. I’ll be the flaming pile of shit that lands on their weekend.”

“So that’s why you haven’t called,” Noah summed up.

“I’m going to. Don’t worry. I’m not planning anything stupid like hitchhiking. I
have
to be there. And this isn’t your problem—I’m being chicken and trying to delay the inevitable.”

Noah stroked his beard, eyes distant. They sat in companionable silence for several long moments. Being near Noah was almost like having an extra coat—a layer of protection against the frozen tundra of his life right now.

“I’ll do it,” Noah said, breaking the quiet.

“What?”

“I’ll give you a ride to Denver. You don’t have to make that call quite yet.”

Chapter Four

Noah’s pulse galloped along at a Pony Express clip. He shouldn’t have been surprised by Adrian’s shocked expression. He was pretty surprised himself. He had simply planned to see how Adrian was getting on. It wasn’t Adrian’s fault that Noah kept whole parts of himself off-limits, even from his own investigation. And sending Adrian to see Old Billy had been a little like throwing him to the wolves—Noah had been coming here long enough to not expect much from the man.

“Why?” Adrian raised his eyebrows far enough to make his glasses slide down his nose.

Good question.
Noah had to take a few breaths. Other people often got impatient with his need to think before he answered questions, but Adrian’s expression never wavered. It was part of what Noah liked about talking with him the night before—Adrian gave him the space to reflect and didn’t make him feel all awkward about it.

“I have a sister,” he said finally. It was far more complicated than that, really, but it was easier to focus on the familial similarities than on the strange protectiveness he felt toward Adrian.

“Yeah?” Adrian prompted.

“Older sisters have a way of keeping us on the rails, don’t they?” he said. Adrian’s tone when he spoke about his family, his sisters in particular, had resonated with him, made his ears ring with a nostalgic tune he hadn’t heard in ages.

“Word.” Adrian bumped fists with him. “And I have
two
. You only have the one?”

“Yeah. Ruth. And I...” It was hard to put into words what Ruth meant to him. “I was there when she got married twelve years ago. And I was there when she had my nephew. But lately...I haven’t been there.”

“Oh?”

Adrian’s tone invited further sharing, but Noah simply shrugged. The reasons behind his absence were intensely complicated, and he didn’t have the vocabulary to explain how hard it had become to be the bachelor uncle at family events, knowing he was always going to be the bachelor uncle, the awkward one unsure how to deal with kids, the guy with no one to go home with afterward, no one to sneak away with for a quiet word. He had never done well with crowds, and the larger Ruth’s extended family got, the more difficult it was for him to go home.

“It’s probably not the same thing, but I’ve kept my distance since Emily started seeing Deron a few years ago. I was already the odd guy out in my family. The weird kid with the dark hair and tats and piercings who kept asking for computer hardware for presents.” Adrian’s tone was a bit wistful.

“They
do
make good presents.” Noah jumped at the chance to focus on Adrian’s life instead of his own situation.

“Agreed.” Adrian bumped fists with him again. “But anyway, I used to escape to Deron’s house whenever I was home, even after we stopped seeing each other. But then he decided to go be some big IP lawyer and went to law school with Emily, and now...”

“It’s just weird?”

“So weird.” Adrian laughed, and the deep timbre knocked something loose inside Noah’s chest and he found himself joining in, his laugh a strained, rusty thing compared to Adrian’s freewheeling chuckle.

“You’d really take me to Denver?” Adrian sounded afraid to hope. “Tyranny of big sisters unite?”

“Sure.” Noah kept his voice light. He didn’t want to sort through the tangled mess of reasons he had for agreeing to this. “And it’s not that big of a deal—if we leave soon and drive straight through, we should be there shortly after dinnertime. I’ll drop you off, get as far back as I can. Stop and sleep, then I should manage almost a full work day tomorrow.”

“Your deadline. You sure you can afford to lose a day?”

No.
“It’ll work out. But we should head out soon.”

Adrian leaped up, then held out a hand to help Noah. Adrian’s constant stream of casual touches made the skin on the back of Noah’s neck itch. Even the brief clasp of their hands made his traitorous body take far more notice than it should.

“I’ll help you get everything ready to go.”

“It doesn’t take too much to get on the road.” Noah followed him down the path to the RV. The dirt path was drying out, but enough mud remained for the dogs to squish in. He added paw cleaning to his to-do list.

“Still. I’ll do whatever you need.” Adrian all but danced down the path back to the RV.

“Boy. You really
are
relieved not to have to make that call.” Noah wasn’t quite sure what to make of this bouncy, happy Adrian.

“You have
no
idea.” Adrian wriggled almost as much as his dog. The wind whipped through Adrian’s hair, the air a good twenty degrees cooler than yesterday. Noah tugged his coat closer. He’d been distracted by Adrian’s presence and hadn’t done his usual morning ritual of checking the weather.

“We should stop in Green River. Get a sweater thing for Pixel before he shivers out of his skin and a phone charger for you.”

“Charger would be nice, and Pixel could definitely use a sweater, but I feel like I owe you so much already. You will let me send you funds for gas and the stuff you buy, right?”

“Yeah, and I’m going to hold you to that beta access for the game you offered too.” He held open the RV door for Adrian. Noah was doing fine for money—Landview wasn’t exactly a high-cost-of-living city, and living out of the RV, even with payments on it, allowed him a bit more cushion than most junior professors. But he could tell by the set of Adrian’s square-shaped jaw that repayment was important to him.

Noah had getting road-ready down to a quick series of steps, and he was pleased with how easily Adrian got with the program. They secured everything in the cabinets, disconnected the hookups, retracted the bump-outs, and turned around the driver’s and passenger’s seats. Other than his research papers and books, which had a tendency to spread out, Noah tried to keep things neat enough so he could leave somewhere easily.

Adrian converted the sofa bed back into a couch, and Ulysses promptly hopped up, having picked up on the road trip vibe. His bulk took up the better part of the couch, and his tongue lolled out as his tail thumped a happy rhythm. In the early days, Noah had experimented with crating him while on the road, but they’d quickly come to an understanding that this was how Ulysses preferred to ride—and Noah valued his eardrums too much to disagree.

For his part, Pixel seemed content to settle into Adrian’s lap and his towel blanket.

“You know, I can do some of the driving,” Adrian said as he buckled up. “Let you sit in the back and work on your research.”

Noah got the motor home in gear and checked his backup camera before slowly backing out of the space. “Have you ever driven something this big?”

“Size is not an issue with me,” Adrian said quite cheekily. He gave Noah a wolfish smile as they left the campground. “And yes, I drove most of the way in the RV with Trent. And I’ve driven my dad’s pickup with a camper trailer.”

“This is a Class A motor home—it handles quite differently than the Class C’s or a trailer.” Noah knew he sounded like a curmudgeon, but he’d taken a course in driving through his RV dealer—it was the prudent thing to do when driving something the size of a bus. And for all he liked Adrian’s cocky attitude, he wasn’t sure about letting Mr. Confident take him for a test drive.

“I’m sure I could figure it out. I like driving. A lot.” Adrian winked.

Noah had no idea what to make of the unsettled feeling in his insides. He focused on the twisty road that led back to the rural highway. It didn’t help. The feeling remained.

“You really want to help?” he asked.

“Of course.”

“Then none of that.”

“None of what? Driving?” Adrian’s bafflement was about as trustworthy as a three-way stop with a blind left turn. His voice was teasing, the verbal equivalent of another wink.

“You know what I mean.”

“Talking?”

“You can talk.”

“Then what?” Oh Adrian was having far too much fun with this. His tone was light and nothing like the heavy weight bearing down on Noah.

“Flirting, okay? No flirting.” There. He’d said it. “We both know you wouldn’t have tried innuendo before you discovered my...literary inclinations.”

“Your literary inclinations? That might be the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Noah made a warning noise, not unlike Ulysses when other dogs got too close.

“Okay, okay. I get it. I’ll tone it down. But I have to tell you, you caught me on a horrifically bad day yesterday. My default mode—with everyone—is rather...friendly.”

“I guess I don’t understand extroverts.” Noah had never once had innuendo accidentally slip into ordinary conversation.

“Actually, I’m not. I really like being alone and working on my code. I don’t like being bothered with trivial interruptions.”

“Me either.” He turned onto the rural highway that led to Green River, rocky landscape on either side of them, few cars on the road. The wind was really kicking up, the scrubby grass and trees blowing.

“When I’m with people, I do like kicking back and having a good time, but I’m usually happy to be alone again after they leave. I need recovery time.”

“That’s how I feel after class.” Noah loved his job, but being “on” for a long lecture class could be exhausting, to say nothing of faculty functions.

“I’m not always fit for human company after a long day of development meetings,” Adrian said. Pixel’s collar jingled as he resettled in Adrian’s lap. “I think that’s why I’m so good at long-distance relationships.”

“You’ve had a lot?”

“Depends on your definition of
lot
. Would that fall under things I’m not allowed to talk about?”

“No, I’m curious,” Noah admitted. Plus he really liked the sound of Adrian’s voice. He liked how Adrian filled the quiet of the highway and the RV, but it wasn’t an annoying stream of chatter.

“Well, I am the king of long distance. Every major relationship I’ve had has had a big long-distance stretch. First, Juan Mendoza from computer camp in tenth grade. We were email and chat friends for a full year before I met Deron. And Deron and I were at the same school, but I graduated first and left for UCLA. We did long distance for three years.”

“What happened?”

“Oh the usual—the relationship was on life support for a good year, then eventually fizzled itself out. We were kids.”

Adrian still seemed like a kid compared to Noah, but Adrian nodded sagely like he had all the wisdom in the world.

“Your parents didn’t mind the high school boyfriends?” Oh crap. Noah was supposed to be listening
.
Not wandering into minefields. Still, he simply couldn’t imagine a universe with a boyfriend in tenth grade. Or even college. And zero censoring? That wasn’t the world
he
lived in.

“Nah. My parents had far more pressing shit to object to—my hair, my clothes, my lack of interest in ‘suitable’ careers or ‘acceptable’ socializing, the tattoo I got before I was strictly legal...”

“Sounds like you were a handful.”

“Yeah, and I only got worse in college.” Adrian’s grin was a wide, proud thing. “More tats. More crazy hair, and after Deron came Kenji, who left for the Peace Corps a few months after we started dating. After he broke up with me to date a relief worker, there was no one for a long time until Trent.”

As best as Noah could figure, Adrian had been a virtual UN of dating. The level of...freedom he enjoyed was staggering. Awe-inspiring really, in a volcano-on-the-verge-of-erupting sort of way.
I’m not envious.
I’m not.

“You seem to like having boyfriends.” He couldn’t keep the observation to himself or temper the tendril of wistfulness climbing up his chest, around his throat, wrapping around his words.

Not surprisingly, Adrian gave him a strange look. “As opposed to random hookups, you mean? Because I can’t say I exactly enjoy distance. After Trent, I’m so done with long-distance anything.”

“Good,” Noah said and meant it. He did. He tamped down whatever petulant part of him felt the need to object. He was
not
auditioning for the role of Adrian’s next boyfriend.

This earned another long look from Adrian, this time over the rim of his glasses. Noah gripped the steering wheel tighter. Ahead of them, an ancient pickup had two dogs riding loose in the bed, which only made Noah’s fists clench that much harder.

“Anyway, yes, I prefer boyfriends to hookups. Who wouldn’t?”

Who indeed?
Noah stared at the rear end of the slow moving truck in front them, his gaze not venturing farther than its dusty taillights.

“I mean hookups are great, but it’s not what I really want, you know?”

“Yeah.”
No.
Actually, Noah had no clue, but luckily for him, Adrian I’m-really-an-introvert seemed eager to indulge Noah’s weird curiosity.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love sex. But sometimes what you really want is someone to text during
Walking Dead
and say ‘did that just happen?’ or someone who asks about how your day went and actually cares about the answer.”

“Yes.” Noah breathed the word without thinking. His shoulders shrugged with the force of his exhale.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
He had long ago figured out how to sublimate inconvenient sexual urges—a long bike ride and a little indulgence in the shower typically took care of that. He liked to tell himself it was hard to miss what he’d never had. But companionship? That urge was more insidious, stalking him at vulnerable moments. He might have no idea what the appeal was to a hookup, but someone to care about...

Woof.
Ulysses barked at a passing car.
A
dog.
I
have a dog for that.
And if he felt sadness pushing down on his shoulders, making him slump in the driver’s seat, he had no one to blame but himself.

* * *

There was so much naked longing in Noah’s voice that Adrian’s heart clanked against his ribs.

“Have you ever had one?” he asked.

“One what?” Noah’s eyes were locked on the old truck in front of them. Adrian couldn’t tell whether Noah was deliberately playing dumb. His expression was starker than the miles of empty land surrounding them.