Still Fine at Forty (15 page)

***

When I got back to Phoenix, I immediately went to Mel’s house. I needed someone to talk to. I needed my best friend.

I parked my car in her driveway and ran to her door. Between heavy sobs, I pounded on her front door.

When Mel opened the door, she took one look at my face and threw her arms around me. As she pulled me into her house, she didn’t let go of her tight grip on me. I was glad she held me so tightly because I felt like I could pass out.

Marvin was standing in the foyer with a look of deep concern in his eyes. Mel whispered something into his ear and he excused himself and headed into the study. Mel guided me into her living room and we both sat on her overstuffed couch. For once, I was glad Mel had ridiculously luxurious furniture. It felt good to sink down into its warmth and comfort.

After I had a few moments to catch my breath, Mel turned to me and said, “Well, you look like shit.”

That was the Mel I adored. She always went straight to the heart of the matter. “That’s pretty much how I feel right now,” I said.

My cell phone began to ring in my purse. No doubt it was Cody.

“You’re not going to answer that?” Mel asked raising an ey
ebrow.

I shook my head. The cell phone continued to ring. I reached into my purse and turned it off. The only other person who ever called me was sitting in the room with me.

Mel waited patiently while I composed myself. Then I said, “Do you remember a kid I told you about fifteen years ago? His name was Cheyenne Robison. He was a real trouble maker. He made Freshman English class a living hell on a daily basis.”

I could see her wheels were spinning but she didn’t have it. “I can barely remember what happened fifteen minutes ago. You expect me to remember a story from fifteen years ago? A story I probably only half paid attention to anyway,” she said. I couldn’t help but smile at her audacious honesty.

“Please full-listen this time; it’s important.” I continued, “I tried to help this obviously troubled kid by encouraging him to write his feelings down. Keep a journal. Write poetry. He was getting pretty good and I thought I had made some real progress with him. He revealed a lot to me in his writing. He had a terrible home life. His father abandoned the family, was in and out of prison then finally murdered in an act of gang violence. His mother was a drug addict. She went to prison for a while for dealing drugs. Cheyenne was tossed from one relative to another, all fairly dysfunctional, until he finally ended up living back with his abusive mother again. That’s when I met him. I could understand why he felt so much rage inside but he also scared me. He was like a time bomb waiting to go off and he eventually did.”

I could tell Mel was full-listening this time. “What ha
ppened?” she asked.

“It was almost the end of the school year and Cheyenne had really opened up to me. He had been keeping a journal for months and had filled up an entire notebook with poems. I asked him to stay after class so I could talk to him. That was my first mistake. Knowing his background, I probably never should have risked being alone with him. But I was still a young teacher with a year of experience under my belt.”

Mel’s eyes grew wide with anticipation. “Don’t stop now,” she said.

“Cheyenne plopped himself into a chair and I sat down in a chair next to him. I handed him back his journals and all of the poems
he had given me to read. He looked like such a scared kid.

First, I thanked him for his willingness to share so much of his life with me. I told him that it must have been hard for him. He nodded. Then I told him how beautiful I thought his poetry was. I encouraged him to keep writing. I told him he had some real talent that needed to be nurtured. He beamed. I’d never seem him look so happy. He was always such a sullen kid, who exuded so much anger, but at that moment, he just lit up the room.

Then, before I knew what was happening, he leaned over and tried to kiss me. Of course, I immediately backed away. I realized he was confused. He was just a kid. He had mistaken my attention for something else. I told him I was sorry. I liked him as a student but not in any other way. As I tried to explain that it wasn’t appropriate for him to kiss me, I could sense the anger building in his body. At some point, it seemed that he couldn’t even hear me anymore. He became absolutely and completely enraged. He jumped from his chair, grabbed his seat from the floor and threw it out the window. I was terrified. I didn’t think he’d intentionally hurt me, but he seemed out of his mind with anger. I didn’t know what he was capable of. He continued grabbing chairs and tossing them around the room. He threw a second chair out the window.

I finally made it over to the intercom and asked for help. I gave the emergency code so the woman at the front office would phone the police.”

I could feel teardrops welling up in the corners of my eyes.

“I didn’t want him to get arrested, but I didn’t know what else to do. He had completely and totally lost it. And I felt like it was
all my fault. I ran through every interaction the two of us had over the course of the school year trying to figure out if I had ever done anything inappropriate, anything that would give him the wrong idea, but I didn’t think I did. I thought I was being his teacher and helping him. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

Now I could feel the tears streaming down my face, but I continued. I needed to get it all out there.

“By the time the police arrived, my classroom was completely trashed. Of course, Cheyenne was arrested. I’ll never forget the look on his face as the police pulled him out of the room. When he turned back to look at me, he had the most pained expression I had ever seen on another human being. He looked like a puppy, who had just gotten all of the life beaten out of him by a bad owner. It was at that moment, I realized how much I had hurt him. Not just the fact that he was expelled and had to spend the rest of his high school career at an alternative school. I had broken his precious young heart.”

I started to sob.

Mel grabbed a tissue box from the lamp table and handed it to me. I took one from the box and dabbed my eyes with it.

“Did you get in trouble?” she asked.

“No. Cheyenne told the police that I was going to fail him in class. He said that’s why he wanted to talk to me and that’s why he flipped out. He protected me, which made me feel even worse. I never told anyone what really happened. Not even Rob. I was ashamed and I didn’t want to lose my job. Rob and I were dependent on my income. I still feel guilty about it.”

“I wasn’t your fault,” she said and gave me a quick hug.

“I know that rationally,” I said pulling away. “I always wondered if there was something I could have done differently. Something that would have changed the outcome of that day. I also changed as a teacher. I became more guarded. I didn’t ever get that close to a student again.”

“I’m confused,” she said. “Why are you getting so emotional about something that happened so long ago?”

I didn’t know how else to tell her, so I just came right out with it. “I found out today that Cody’s actual first name is Cheyenne.”

Mel’s eyes widened. “What are you saying?”

I think she knew exactly what I was saying but I spelled it out for her. “Cody is all grown up now and goes by his middle name but fifteen years ago he was that freshman boy in my English class named Cheyenne Robison.”

“Holy shit,” she said.
Then repeated it for emphasis. “You never do anything the easy way, do you, Jen?”

I shook my head.

“Holy shit,” she said again.

“I know,” I said.

“What are you going to do?” She seemed truly concerned.

“I have no idea,” I admitted.

“How did you find out?” she asked.

“That’s the thing I’m so hurt and angry about. I found out. He didn’t have the nerve to tell me.”

Mel gave me one of her famous are-you-insane looks. “Now hold up,” she said. “Can you blame the guy for not telling you? That’s some serious shit.”

“How could he keep something like that from me? It’s an important piece of information.”

“Please hear me out without getting all emotional,” she said, obviously preparing me for something that was going to make me very emotional.

“Considering the state I’m in, I’m not going to make any promises that I can’t keep, especially when it comes to getting emotional.”

She continued anyway. “Based on what you told me about Cheyenne, he was obviously in love with you.” I tried to protest but she held a hand up. “He was in love with you as a teenager would be in love with his teacher. You were young enough at the time for him to majorly crush on you, and you were old enough to be a bit of a mother-figure as well.”

“You are not making me feel any better about sleeping with him,” I said.

She held up her hand again. “I’m not finished. He probably had a lot of confusing feelings about you. You may have been one of the only adults who every truly cared about him. I can understand why he fell for you. Even though it wasn’t right. Look at it from his perspective.”

“Okay, I can understand from the fourteen-year-old boy’s perspective, but what about the twenty-nine-year old man, who lied to me?”

“Did he ever actually lie to you?”

“It was a lie of omission,” I said. “It’s the same thing.”

“When he saw you again, he obviously still had feelings for you—very strong feelings, I might add. He obviously wanted to be with you. And he could, now that he was an adult. What do you think would have happened to your blossoming relationship if he would have said, ‘Oh, and by the way, remember that kid who went crazy and destroyed your classroom? That was me’.”

She had a point, but it still didn’t excuse him from not telling me.

“And exactly how did you find out his real name?”

“I showed up at his house, where he has all of his artwork, and I saw it on the artist’s nameplate.”

She stared at me and blinked but no words came out. Finally, she sighed. “Don’t you get it? He couldn’t bring himself to tell you because he didn’t want to lose you, but he knew you had to find out at some point. Letting you see the nameplate and figure it out was his way of telling you without having to say it.”

It made sense. But I was still mad he hadn’t told me sooner. Mel was right, though. Would I be in love with him if he had revealed the information sooner? I probably wouldn’t have had a chance to.

“I’m just not sure if I can ever see him just as Cody and not see Cheyenne, too.”

“Are you still the person you were at fourteen?” she asked.

“God, no,” I said.

“But doesn’t that girl still live somewhere inside you?”

I thought about it for a moment. “I suppose so.”

“He’s Cody. The gorgeous hunk you’ve fallen head over heels for, but somewhere deep inside, he’s still that scared and angry kid. Do you really want to turn your back on either of them?”

“And why are you suddenly so pro-Cody?” I asked. She hadn’t been the most enthusiastic supporter of our relationship previously.

“There’s something incredibly romantic about him holding a candle for you all these years,” she said. I wasn’t sure if it was romantic or dysfunctional. “So, what are you going to do?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I was so confused, I didn’t know what to do. I just needed some time to think.

Twelve

By the time I got back to my house, I was exhausted. I didn’t think there was a teardrop left in me to shed. I grabbed my cell phone from my purse. Twelve missed calls. Three messages. All from Cody. I was torn between erasing the messages without listening to them or listening to them and risk becoming emotional all over again.

I played the first message. “It’s me. Cody. Please call me back. I need to hear your voice.”

I played the second message. “It’s Cody again. I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I love you.”

I played the third message. “I need to see you. I need to touch you. I need to hear your voice…”

The third message sent shivers down my spine. The emptiness and hollowness in his voice pulled at my heartstrings. It was the same feeling I had when Cheyenne looked back at me as he was being pulled from my classroom. Like I had shattered his heart into a million pieces. I broke down into uncontrollable sobs again.

As the night fell, my sobbing had finally receded and I could breathe without a catch in my throat. I still had no idea what I was going to do. Or what I wanted to do. I so exhausted but I wasn’t sure I could sleep. I lay in my bed and stared at the ceiling.

The bed where I had felt so much joy with Cody just weeks earlier now felt cold and empty. The pain I had felt after Rob left me was nothing compared to the intensity of heartbreak I felt over Cody. It didn’t make any sense. I was married to Rob for almost twenty years. I had only been with Cody a few months, but the connection we shared was so intense and enduring it defied explanation. I couldn’t imagine a life without him.

I could feel my body finally begin to relax and I welcomed the idea of sleep and a temporary relief from the overwhelming pain I felt. Just as my eyes closed, there was a pounding on the door.

When I looked out the peephole, I saw a very anxious Cody standing outside.

“What are you doing here?” I asked loudly through the door.

“Please, let me in,” he said sounding desperate. “I need to see you. I need to talk to you.”

I hesitated for a moment. I knew if I let him in, that would be it. I would not be able to resist him and my decision would be made.

He knocked more softly. “I’m not leaving until I see you,” he said. “I’ll wait out here all night if I have to.”

When I looked out the peephole again, I could see the resol
ution in his eyes. He wasn’t going anywhere until I opened the door.

I sighed, tried to compose myself,
then unlocked the door.

When I opened it and Cody saw me, he looked overcome with emotion. I could see both utter joy and complete sorrow in his eyes. There was a moment of hesitation before he took me into his arms.

“Please forgive me, Jenny,” he said as cupped my face in his hands. “I’m so sorry.”

I felt so at home in his arms. I never wanted to be anywhere else.

He gave me light kisses on my cheeks and eyelids. “Please forgive me,” he said again. “I want you, I need you, in my life.”

I looked into his eyes. They held so much warmth and te
nderness and love. My heart melted. “I forgive you,” I said. And with those three words, my decision was set.

He kissed me. The kiss was filled with passion and desper
ation. It was as if he couldn’t get enough of me. As he pulled me close to him, I could feel how much he wanted me. And I longed to feel him inside of me. I wanted to possess every part of him again and for him to possess every part of me.

Our mouths and tongues danced with delight as our hands explored each other’s bodies. Suddenly, it felt like there was too much clothing between us.

“Jenny,” Cody said breathlessly between kisses. “I want you so badly. Please say you’ll be mine again.”

I touched the side of his face. “I’ll always be yours.”

And with that, he scooped me into his arms and carried me into the bedroom.

Cody slowly removed my tee shirt and pajama bottoms and I stood naked in front of him. He stared at me like I was a treasure he had just discovered. He removed his shirt and then stepped out of his pants and boxers. We were both naked and vulnerable. He took me into his arms and held me for a long time. The world seemed to disappear as we melted into each other’s arms. At that moment, I knew my heart would never belong to anyone else.

Cody kissed me gently at first. Then as his tongue found mine, his kisses became harder and more intense. I felt the familiar longing between my legs. A desire that could only be filled by him being deep inside me.

Cody moved me toward the bed and we both lay down. He was just inches above me, staring at me with laser intensity. It sent shivers through my body.

“I love you,” he said. “I’ve always loved you and I will always love you.”

“I know,” I said. “I love you, too.” 

I thought he would reach for a condom, but he didn’t. I didn’t have any protection in the house. I wasn’t sure I’d even need it again after our fight.

“Tell me you want me,” he whispered into my ear as he kissed my neck.

“I want you,” I managed to say as my body shuddered.

He was completely bare when he entered me and I allowed him. There were no longer any barriers between us. It was the most intimate moment of my life. I had never felt so close to another human being. The lovemaking was so intense that when I climaxed and felt his release inside me, I screamed his name in ecstasy.

Even after we were both spent, he lingered inside me, just staring at me. It was as if he didn’t want the connection between us to be broken. He stroked the side of my face as he stared into my eyes.

“Jenny, that was amazing.”

I nodded. It was amazing. I had never felt a man, sans condom, inside me. Rob was always so cautious, he never considered not using protection. At least with me. Obviously things were different with Megan.

Cody continued to stroke my cheek with his thumb. “You have me inside you now and part of me will stay inside you. I’m yours body and soul.”

“And I’m yours,” I said as I lifted my head and kissed him. 

As we nestled each other, I was overcome by the desire to touch his scars. I wanted to smooth away the ugliness. I had the irrational idea that the intensity of my love for him could som
ehow take away all the pain he must have endured.

I carefully paced my hand at the bottom of the scar that en
ded mid-chest. He flinched and closed his eyes. A pained expression overtook his beautiful face.

I didn’t remove my fingers and he didn’t stop me this time. He allowed me to continue to run my fingers along the extent of the deep lines.

“Open your eyes,” I said.

He inhaled a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, I could see they were moist.

“No one has ever touched me there,” he said so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. I noticed one lone teardrop escape down his face. He made no effort to wipe it away. “The women I’ve been with—I could see they were disgusted by my scars—but they tried to ignore them. They couldn’t even look at them.” Several more teardrops ran down his cheeks.

I got very close to Cody and leaned my lips down to the scar on his chest. Starting at the bottom, I gave him slow and careful kisses all the way up the scar until I reached his shoulder. Then I made my way down the scar on his arm, lightly kissing it all the way down.

When I was finished, he gasped then let out a small sob. Tears were now streaming down his face.

He took my face into his hands and looked deeply into my eyes. “Do you know how much I love you?” he said. “How much I’ve always loved you?”

I nodded.

Cody continued, “My mother did it to me after I was e
xpelled. When she found out I had been kicked out of school, she lost it. She knew I was smart and she wanted more for me, but she was so dysfunctional and drugged out of her mind most of the time, she didn’t know how to help me. She flew into a rage and started beating me with whatever she could find. She told me that I had ruined her life when she got pregnant with me in high school. My father didn’t want her anymore and it was my fault. She had dreams of going to college and I stopped her from pursuing those dreams. I tried to stop her from hitting me, so she grabbed a knife and cut me up. I never saw her again after that. I went into a group home and she went to prison, where she died. The last time I saw my mother, she gave me these scars as a parting gift to always remember her.”

I gave Cody a soft kiss. We looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment and it was so intense, I felt like we were looking into each other’s souls. 

“You know you were the only person who ever really cared about me until I met Jim and Lucia,” Cody said. “I can’t tell you how much it hurt when I lost you. I didn’t even care about school. I cared about not being able to see you again.”

“Cody, I…” He didn’t let me finish my thought.

“When I saw you standing there at the hotel, waiting for me, it was like a miracle. I vowed I would do whatever it took to have you in my life again. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth, but I wanted you to fall in love with who I am now. I knew that I would eventually have to tell you everything, but I hoped that if you fell in love with me and loved me as much as I’ve always loved you, that you wouldn’t care about the past.”

“I do care about the past, Cody, but I’m not going to let it get in the way of our future together.”

He gave me a half smile then pulled me close to him. He lay down and I snuggled against his warm chest. We slept nestled against each other all night and by the time we woke up it was well into mid-morning.

I made sure Cody had a good breakfast because I knew he had a long drive ahead of him and had to work that night.

As he was getting ready to leave, I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I felt like such a sap but I didn’t want him to go. Rationally, I knew he had to, but on a physical and emotional level, I just wanted to stay wrapped in his arms forever. In his arms, I felt safe and warm. It was like the rest of the world disappeared and there was just the two of us.

He stood at the door and gave me a weak smile. I was afraid to ask when we would see each other again. Any amount of time was going to be too long to be apart.

“Don’t look so sad,” he said. “You have a young stud who is totally hot for you. And he’s also madly in love with you.”

“It’s just so hard being away from you,” I admitted.

“I promise we’ll see each other soon,” he said as he leaned down and kissed me.

***

I missed Cody immensely but the weeks went by quickly. It got busy with school and Cody wanted to get in as many Jeep tours as he could before the weather turned too cold for the tourists.

But then my time of the month came and went and I didn’t get my period.
Huge problem. I had never missed my period. I had never even been late before. My period was more reliable than the postal service. Was it possible that I was pregnant? We did have the mind-blowing make-up sex without using protection.

I sat in my bathroom looking at a row of blue sticks. I had purchased six of them. Every one of them was blue. Obviously, I was pregnant.

I grabbed the phone and dialed Mel. She answered on the first ring. “What’s up, Chica?”

I gathered my courage and came out with it. “I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.”

I couldn’t believe she was laughing.

“What’s so funny?”
I asked, a bit annoyed.

“That make-up sex must have been really good,” she replied.

“It was, but that’s beside the point. This is serious.”

“Why?” she asked. “It’s not like you’re a teenager who can’t support herself. You own your own home. You have no debt. You have a career. What’s the big deal? You’ve always wanted a kid and you’ve hit the genetic jackpot with Cody.”

All good points, I thought. Of course, there was the issue of Cody.

“Have you told him yet?”

“I just took the pregnancy test a few minutes ago. Actually, I took six.”

She chuckled. “You always were an over-achiever.”

“I don’t want to tell him over the phone. I’m going up to Sedona.”

“I think you should,” she said. “Need some moral support?”

“No, I think I have to do this on my own.”

“Let me know what happens.”

As I was about to hang up, she said, “Hey, Jen, deep down, I think you wanted to get pregnant. I don’t think this was a complete accident.”

Before I could respond, she hung up. 

I grabbed my overnight bag from the closet and frantically threw a few things together for the trip.
Pugsy looked at me expectantly. I couldn’t ask my sister to dog sit again. She hated the idea of me being with Cody, even though she hardly knew him. She was going to completely freak out when I told her about the baby. Maybe I would just wait until I started to show and she could figure it out for herself.

“Looks like you’re going with me to Sedona,” I said to
Pugsy.

I went into the kitchen and gathered some dog items, like
Pugsy’s bowl, food, leash, and a blanket.