Still Waters (17 page)

Matt ran a dental clinic in Lynchburg, offering free and reduced-rate dental care for pediatric patients whose parents couldn’t afford regular dental care. Tiffany grabbed the phone. “Matt?”

“Tiffany. Glad I caught up with you. I know you’re recovering from some injuries…the grapevine’s been spreading the news…but we’ve got a serious problem here. Our system is locked tight and we can’t access our Web site or our files. When I called your contractor he couldn’t promise immediate service, and to be honest, the clinic can’t afford to pay for someone to come out. Got any suggestions?”

Though Tiffany offered her services to the clinic free of charge she had always treated them like a paying customer. This was no exception. “I’ll be there within an hour.”

She hung up before he could protest. “Jake, I hate to cut our chat short, but I’ve got to drive to Lynchburg.”

“Lynchburg? That’s a forty-five-minute drive.”

“No problem. I go out there a few times a week.” Tiffany grabbed her keys and purse.

“Yeah? Not with a concussion you don’t.”

“I feel fine.”

“What did McMath say about driving?”

“He said I should take it easy. I’m not sure he mentioned driving,” Tiffany hedged, fairly sure she had heard something about not driving for a week.

Jake stared her down.

It only took a minute for Tiffany to cave. “All right. He did say I should avoid driving for a few days. But it’s been three days and I feel fine.”

Jake shook his head. “Not good enough. Head injuries are unpredictable. What if you black out at the wheel?”

The thought of doing just that, and inadvertently hurting or killing someone made Tiffany capitulate. “You’re right. I can’t risk it.”

Frustrated she slammed her keys down on the counter and ran a hand through her curly hair. “I’m going to have to make some calls, see if I can find someone willing to do the work.”

“Or I could drive you.”

“You’d drive me to Lynchburg?”

“Why not? I still want to discuss a few things about the case with you and this will give me the opportunity to do that.”

“I’d hate to put you out.”

“It’s no problem.”

Tiffany could see Jake meant it and she shrugged her acceptance. “All right. I’ll just get my stuff.”

“Let me help.”

It was only after Jake followed her to the office, helped her load supplies into his truck and gave her a boost into the cab that Tiffany started to worry. She enjoyed his company too much, and was letting him become an important part of her life. Those things wouldn’t have bothered her if he hadn’t made it clear that he wanted nothing more from her than friendship.

Not that Tiffany minded being just a friend. Friendship was great. The problems began when one friend fell in love with the other. And, as Jake slid into the driver’s seat and
smiled in her direction, Tiffany had a sinking suspicion that she was about to fall hard.

“You sure this isn’t going to be too much for you? You’re starting to look a little green around the gills.”

“I’m fine. Just wondering where Bandit disappeared to.”

“He’s in the back of the truck. Hiding behind my cooler.”

“You’re kidding, right? The cooler is about the size of his head.”

“Yep. I went to put your stuff in the back and saw him curled up as small as he could get. His head is behind the cooler and everything else is sticking out. Guess he wanted to come with us.”

Tiffany glanced out the back window and spotted Bandit in exactly the position Jake had described. Laughing, she shook her head and turned back to Jake. “Well, we don’t want to disillusion him. Let’s just pretend we didn’t notice.”

J
ake didn’t mind the drive and he didn’t mind the company. Tiffany kept him entertained with stories about her sisters, her parents and her nieces and nephew. The forty-minute drive seemed to take only minutes, and when Tiffany pointed out the five-story glass building that housed the clinic, Jake felt a jolt of surprise that they had reached their destination so quickly.

“There are quite a few shops in the area if you want to take a look around. I’m not sure how long I’ll be.”

Tiffany had her hand on the door handle, ready to step out in the summer heat. When she turned to look at him, Jake almost winced at the sight of the bruise that covered her forehead and spread down along her temple. No way did Jake plan to let her out of his sight. “I’ll just come in with you.”

“You’ll be bored.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Computers aren’t the most exciting things in the world and it might take me hours to fix the problem.”

“Today’s my day off. I have plenty of time.”

Tiffany’s eyes shone with questions Jake knew she wouldn’t ask. Questions he wasn’t sure he could answer. “All right. If you’re sure.”

“I am. What about Bandit?”

“He can’t come up to the clinic, but the security guard won’t mind keeping an eye on him for us.”

Tiffany got out of the truck before Jake could go around and help her. He did manage to convince her that she’d be more useful keeping Bandit in line than she would be trying to carry her heavy tool kit. They walked into the building together and, as Tiffany had predicted, the security guard was more than happy to keep Bandit down in his office.

It didn’t take long for Jake to understand why Tiffany had been adamant about getting to the clinic. The office space was large, the equipment state-of-the-art, but the children were what grabbed Jake’s attention. Some wore braces, some had noticeable gaps in their mouths where teeth should have been but weren’t, several had cranial-facial deformities that Jake assumed needed special orthodontic care. And, according the receptionist Jake spoke to, none of them had to pay more than what they could. The clinic was free to those who qualified, and reduced-rate programs were available for those who didn’t. The receptionist also informed Jake, as Tiffany made her way to a room where the main computer was housed, that Tiffany never charged a cent and always provided prompt, courteous service. Though the program was funded by state and government grants, Tiffany’s contribution freed several thousand dollars a year that the clinic could use to help more children.

Jake followed Tiffany into the small computer room and
watched her work. She tackled the computer as she did most things, with enthusiasm. He let time pass in silence, watching as Tiffany’s brow furrowed and then cleared, only to furrow again. “Is it a big problem?”

She looked up distractedly. “Not too bad. It’s fixable, anyway.”

“You must really love computers to have made such a successful career out of them.”

Tiffany’s hand stilled and she shook her head. “You know, I don’t. Not really. Computers are practical. I’m good at them. I make a good living fixing them. But I don’t love them.”

“So this isn’t your first career choice?”

“No, if I could choose just for pleasure, I’d be a quilter.”

“So why don’t you do it?”

“I haven’t thought about it much. I guess I went to college thinking it was more important to do something I could support myself with than to do what I enjoy. How about you? Do you love what you do?”

Jake noticed her eagerness to turn the conversation away from herself, and he let her. “Yes. I do, actually. Though if you’d asked me fifteen years ago, I would have told you a cop was the last thing I’d ever be.”

“What changed your mind?”

Jake spent the next several minutes giving Tiffany a tame version of his misspent youth. When he finished they fell silent, speaking only occasionally as Tiffany worked.

That she didn’t push for more conversation, that she didn’t demand Jake’s constant attention, was a stark contrast to the way things had been when he was with Sheila. Though Sheila had been tough to the point of aggression, she’d also been needy, clingy and unsure of who she was. She’d never been silent. Never been content to sit and dream.

In the end it was her dissatisfaction that had broken them apart. Bored, restless and unhappy she’d drifted from one lover to another, leaving a trail of evidence for Jake to find.

He hadn’t been angry. He’d been relieved.

“I’m done.” Tiffany’s voice drew Jake from the past.

He forced himself to push thoughts of Sheila from his mind. “That didn’t take long.”

“It wasn’t too bad. But admit it, you were bored out of your mind.”

“Nope. Not at all. I find it fascinating to watch someone do something she’s really good at.” He paused, grabbing the tools out of her hand. “Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m not happy to be out of here.”

Tiffany laughed, the sound tugging at Jake’s heart. Together they walked through the clinic and onto the elevator. In the lobby Bandit lay at the guard’s feet, chewing a fat rawhide bone. He thumped his tail in greeting but didn’t rise.

The guard glanced up from some paperwork he was doing, his eyes clear blue and sparkling. “Hey Tiff, sure you don’t want to give the dog away? I’m gettin’ kinda fond of him.”

“Sorry, Hank. Bandit is family.”

“I could be family, too. If you’d let me.” The guard raised white eyebrows in a Groucho salute.

Jake felt his eyes narrow at the blatant flirtation. He wanted to tell the man to keep his innuendoes to himself, but managed to hold his tongue.

Tiffany didn’t seem to mind at all and smiled at Hank as if he were her best friend. “I don’t know, I think you’re a little old to be adopted. Besides, what would your children think if their father ran off with a dog? I don’t think your wife would care much for the idea, either.”

Hank laughed. “Darlin’, my wife would probably jump for
joy if someone adopted me. She’s always saying that I’m worse than all five boys combined.”

“That I believe. Thanks again for watching Bandit.”

“Any time. Take care of yourself. I don’t want you coming in here all bruised up again.”

The guard waved them on their way, and Jake tried to shrug aside his irritation. The man was old enough to be Tiffany’s grandfather. He was also married. Apparently happily. So why did Jake feel on edge because of a bit of flirtation?

“Hank’s a piece of work, isn’t he?” Tiffany interrupted Jake’s thoughts and he turned his attention back to her.

“You know, he and his wife have been married for thirty years. They raised five sons and then,” Tiffany paused as she slid into the passenger seat and waited for Jake to put Bandit in the back of the truck, “when Dorothy, that’s his wife, was fifty-one she got pregnant.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope. Hank was fifty-five, just retired from the government and ready to travel with Dorothy. Imagine his surprise when instead of Hawaii, they were going to Lamaze classes.”

“I imagine it was a mixed blessing.” Jake put the truck in gear and pulled out of the parking lot, hoping Tiffany hadn’t picked up on his lukewarm response to the man.

“Yes. God gave them a little girl. She’s seven now and Hank said she’s sweeter than grapes picked from the vine.”

“He did not say that.”

“He did and his eyes misted over and everything. I almost cried myself.”

“Almost?”

“Okay, so a tear or two fell, but it was a beautiful story.”

“Yeah, it is. I wish everyone could have a story like that.”

Jake could feel Tiffany’s gaze slide his way and he knew she wondered about his life. About his marriage. About his choice to be alone.

To her credit she didn’t ask, respecting his privacy and choosing another topic of conversation. “What did you think of the clinic?”

“I was impressed. Not only does it offer dental care to children who wouldn’t get it otherwise, but the staff treats clients with respect and understanding.”

“That’s what I liked about it. When Matt approached me about doing pro bono work for him I was a little leery but once I visited a few times I knew I had to help.”

Tiffany’s words ended on a yawn and Jake glanced her way. The deep shadows under her eyes seemed more pronounced and the tinge of color he’d seen earlier had leeched from her skin, leaving her looking pallid and ill. “Are you all right? You look beat.”

“I’m a little tired. I guess it’s a good thing I’m taking the rest of the week off.”

“Why don’t you close your eyes for a while? We’ve got another forty-minute drive ahead of us, so you have time for a quick nap.”

“You don’t mind?”

“I’ll be upset if you don’t.” Jake smiled in her direction to let her know he was kidding.

Tiffany didn’t argue further. Her eyes were nearly crossing with fatigue and she doubted she could keep them open if she wanted to.

Closing her eyes, Tiffany let the low purr of the engine and the warmth of Jake’s presence lull her to sleep.

J
ake could tell by Tiffany’s deep, rhythmic breathing that she was asleep. As he drove, he felt his eyes drawn to her again and again. Leaning against the window, her left arm cradled close to her body, she looked fragile and defenseless. The vitality and enthusiasm that made her such a strong force while awake, drained from her while she slept and Jake had the absurd urge to pull her close and protect her from whatever life might throw her way.

The urge worried him. He’d never doubted his decision not to marry again. He’d known from the moment he and Sheila separated that being single suited him. He liked his alone time. Enjoyed his solitude. More than that, he liked knowing that the only person he was responsible for was himself. Without responsibility, there could be no guilt. And guilt was something Jake wanted to avoid.

He’d had enough of it in the past few years. Enough of
the gnawing, persistent what-ifs. What if he’d paid more attention to Sheila? What if he’d been able to love her a little bit more? What if he’d refused to divorce her, despite her infidelity, and had insisted they seek counseling?

Would she be alive today?

Probably not. His partner, Will, had convinced Jake of that, even as he’d shared his belief that there was something beyond the here and now. A Creator who loved, who forgave, who provided.

As Jake embraced that knowledge, he’d finally been able to let go of the guilt that had eaten away at his joy, robbed him of contentment, and threatened his very soul.

What he hadn’t let go of was the belief that marriage, family and love were for other people. Not for him.

Maybe Ben had been right when he said that Jake wouldn’t
allow
himself to have those things. Maybe the guilt that he’d thought he’d let go of still haunted him. Or maybe he was just afraid. Afraid that what he wanted most was something he’d never be able to achieve.

He eased the truck along Tiffany’s driveway and pulled to a stop in front of her house. What was it about Tiffany that made him wish for things he’d given up on years ago? He glanced at the woman beside him, his heart aching with a longing he refused to name. Then he reached out, brushing away the soft curls that fell against her cheek.

She stirred, her eyes opening slowly, a soft smile curving her mouth as she focused on him. “Jake?”

He let his hand fall away, wishing he didn’t have to. Wishing he had the right to thread his hands through her hair, and kiss the sleep from her lips. “You’re home. I’ll help you get your stuff in. I think Bandit just made a run for the backyard.”

Tiffany allowed him to escort her to the house, then
waited on the love seat while Jake brought in the computer equipment. She still looked pale and he saw her wince as she leaned back against the pillows. “Headache?”

“No, but my arm is making up for the pain I don’t feel in my head.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Either that or I’m a wimp.”

“Any woman willing to go after an unknown man with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s is definitely not that.”

Tiffany smiled at the comment, looking up at Jake with eyes still misty from sleep. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”

“Nope.” He almost sat down beside her, not willing to give up the companionship they shared. “I have a meeting with Ben Avery tonight. I guess I’d better go get ready for it.”

“All right.” Tiffany rose and walked with him to the door. “Maybe I could make you dinner sometime. To thank you for all your help.”

“That would be nice.” He’d refuse when the time came. What choice did he have? It was that or risk her heart. And his.

Jake stepped out onto the porch, anxious to put distance between himself and Tiffany, but she put her hand on his arm, stopping him before he could retreat. “You never asked me those questions about my attacker.”

She was right, he hadn’t. “It can wait another couple of days. Just be sure to keep your windows and doors locked. And use the security system.”

“I will.”

Bandit lumbered up the porch stairs and collapsed near Tiffany’s feet. “I need to get this brute some food. He eats more than three dogs should.”

Jake knew he was being gently dismissed and he knew
he should be glad. Instead he wished he had a reason to stay. “All right. Take it easy and call if you have any trouble.”

“I doubt I’ll have to. You always seem to show up right around the time I’m getting myself into a mess. Say hi to Ben for me.”

Jake nodded and stepped down into late-afternoon sun. “I’ll do that.”

Tiffany watched him get into his truck, then slowly closed the door blocking out the sight of him driving away. She’d been dreaming on the way home from Lynchburg. Dreaming that she and Jake were married, driving toward some honeymoon destination. Just thinking about the silly romance of it made her blush. When she’d woken up to the gentle touch of his hand on her hair, she’d believed, for one heart-stopping moment, that the dream had become reality.

Thank goodness Jake wasn’t as good at reading her mind as he was at rescuing her from all the trouble she’d fallen into lately.

Tiffany sighed and walked down the hall and into the kitchen. There were plenty of things to do. She scooped food into Bandit’s dish, cleaned the counter of crumbs left from lunch, heated a cup of tea. All the while trying to ignore the truth. But even keeping busy couldn’t prevent her mind from whispering its knowledge—Tiffany was falling in love with a man who could not love her in return.

Jake didn’t have an appointment scheduled with Ben, but he did plan to meet with him. He needed his friend’s advice and he knew Ben would make time for him. Grabbing the cell phone he punched in the number to the church and waited for the secretary to connect them.

“Hey, Jake, what can I do for you?” Ben’s cheerful voice greeted him.

“I was wondering if I could stop by the office for a few minutes.”

“Anything wrong?”

“No, I just need some advice from a friend.”

“That’s one thing you can count on. Me having advice to give. When did you want to come by?”

“What’s convenient for you?”

“Any time between now and six. I’m going on hospital visitation then.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“You sure everything’s okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll tell you about it when I get there.”

True to his word, Jake made it to the church in ten minutes. Bypassing the office, he moved down the hall to the pastor’s study. Ben greeted him at the door. “I grabbed a pitcher of tea from the kitchen. Or we can do coffee.”

“Tea is good.”

They moved into the room, a cozy area where built-in wall shelves housed books and a small desk held Ben’s computer. The carpet was a well-worn green, the shelves freshly painted white and the large window overlooked the backyard playground. Usually bustling with activity, the playground was empty. “It’s quiet around here today.”

Ben nodded, motioning for Jake to sit down. “Summer lull. The preschool doesn’t operate during the summer, so we’ve got a fairly quiet building for most of the day.”

Ben grabbed two brightly colored paper cups from a small stack and poured iced tea from a plastic pitcher. “So, what brings you my way? I guess it’s too much to hope you’re here to volunteer as cleanup day coordinator.”

Though the words were spoken lightly, Ben looked tired, his eyes shadowed. Concerned, Jake leaned forward and
eyed his friend. “If you need a coordinator I can fill in. What’s up with you? You don’t look your usual cheerful self.”

“Just some family trouble. I can’t go into all the details right now but I may need your help with that more than I need a cleanup day coordinator.” Ben tried to smile but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“What kind of help are we talking? Professional?”

“Maybe. Like I said, I can’t talk about it now. I’m not even sure of all the details myself.”

Jake stared Ben down for a minute, but couldn’t imagine what kind of trouble his friend might have that required police help. “Ben…”

Ben raised a hand and shook his head. “Don’t worry, it’s not about me. At least not directly. I just might need some help finding someone.”

Jake nodded, satisfied with the answer. “All right. Let me know.”

“Now let’s talk about you. I’m thinking this has something to do with Tiffany Anderson.”

“Why would you say that?”

“I ate at the diner today. Jessica Ann swore she saw you and Tiffany heading out of town in your Chevy.”

Disgruntled, Jake picked up his tea and swallowed deeply before answering. “So this is what small-town life is like.”

“Yep. What’s going on with you and the lady in question?”

“Nothing. Yet. I just keep imagining what it would be like if I could offer her the life I think she deserves. And I wonder if you were right. Maybe my decision not to marry again is a knee-jerk reaction to a bad first marriage. Like you said, I’ve got a new life in Christ. I shouldn’t be dwelling on the past. And maybe I am taking too much responsibility on myself.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, I need to figure out where God is leading me, not where I think I should go. I’m just not sure how to go about that.”

“And you’re hoping I can tell you?”

“Well, you
are
the Bible scholar.” Jake grinned, relaxing now that he’d shared his troubles.

“Maybe not a scholar. But I did have a feeling you might need this.” Ben passed a sheet of paper across the desk. “I printed out a list of some verses I think might help.”

Jake took the paper, glancing down at the neatly typed page.

“I think, if you spend some time looking up the verses and studying what they say, you’ll be able to answer your own question. If not, we can get together again and talk things through.”

Nodding in agreement, Jake folded the sheet of paper and slid it into his wallet. It seemed too simple, too easy, but he trusted Ben’s judgment. “Thanks. Now that that’s out of the way, why don’t you tell me what you were doing at the diner talking to Jessica Ann.” The young woman was a part-time receptionist at the station. Bright, ambitious and attractive, she also seemed to have a good heart. Jake wasn’t surprised that Ben had noticed her.

“Jessica is a kid. We just happened to be in the same place at the same time.” Ben’s laughing protest invited Jake to argue the point.

“She’s not a kid. She’s twenty-nine. And you’re all of what? Thirty-three?”

“Thirty-five, but who’s counting?”

“You, apparently, if you’re calling a twenty-nine-year-old a kid.”

“Give me a break, Jake, just because the love bug’s bitten you…”

“Who said anything about love?!”

The two argued companionably until the phone rang, cutting their conversation short. Ben answered, spoke briefly and hung up. “I hate to do this, but I’m afraid I’m needed at the convalescent center.”

“Is someone ill?”

“Worse. Mavis and Jasper Harvell are arguing. They’ve been married fifty years and Mavis has it in her mind that it’s time to have a little freedom. Jasper isn’t too happy about it. Every couple of weeks he threatens to divorce her, and she calls me.”

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Nope. I don’t really mind. By the time I get there, they’ve mended their fences and we have a nice chat.”

Both men stood and walked to the door.

“Make sure you read those verses. And let me know what you think.”

“I will.”

Later, Jake sat at home, eyes skimming the verses Ben had given him. Thumbing through his Bible he looked up one after another until he reached the fifth chapter of Galatians. Ben had noted the thirteenth verse and Jake read it. Then read it again. “You, my brother, were called to be free.”

Free. Jake didn’t feel free. He felt choked by the past. Unable to let go. Or maybe, more to the point, unwilling to let go. He read the verse again, then the chapter, then the entire book of Galatians. When he was done, he closed the leather cover of his Bible and sat in silence, listening.

Though he heard no audible voice, the scripture spoke clearly to him. Nothing Jake could do would make up for or change the past, yet in Christ he was a new creation. Because of that he had freedom from what had come before and hope for something better. Ben had been right: the mis
takes Jake had made before had no claim on him. He belonged to God and God would create the perfect future for him.

For the first time in years, Jake allowed himself to dream of a life shared with someone else. And there was no denying whom he wanted to share it with. Even sitting alone in the two-bedroom garage apartment he rented, he could almost smell the berry shampoo that Tiffany used and feel the silky softness of her golden-red hair. He thought of her laughter and indomitable spirit, and he knew he could spend the rest of his life with her and it still wouldn’t be enough.

The thought terrified him.

Even with Sheila Jake hadn’t imagined forever. He’d never thought about her in the context of a lifetime.

Tiffany was different. When he looked at her he saw the future. He imagined raising children with her, imagined seeing her face aged and wrinkled, her hair gray, her bright eyes dulled with time, and he imagined loving her always.

Jake rose on shaky legs and walked outside. A white-gold gibbous moon shone bright against the midnight sky, night creatures sang the glory of creation and in the moments beyond night and before dawn broke the sky, Jake poured his heart out to God, giving the burden of the past, the present and the future to Him.

It was time to let go of yesterday and move on to tomorrow. He was finally ready to be free.