Sucker Punched (Resilient Hearts Series Book One 1) (18 page)

TWENTY TWO

Caitlin

I sit on Ethan’s bed as he fusses around me. Some may say he’s being attentive, but it’s becoming annoying. Nicola had only blindsided me. Apart from a sore head and a little shock, I’m fine. Ethan doesn’t see it that way. After the incident, he walked me the short distance to his apartment, keeping his arm wrapped around me for support. I was fighting a headache, not lost coordination.

“I know she surprised you, but damn Caitlin, you should have knocked her flat on her ass. If anyone had an ass whooping coming, it’s Nicola for that cheap shot.”

“I only do it to train, not to fight,” I say, dread starting to weigh heavily upon me.

“You train, but refuse to use it to fight? What? You need to train to compete. Caitlin, you’re good and could go really far.”

“Stop, Ethan. I don’t want to talk about it. Can we drop it?” I plead, my stomach starting to churn.

He sighs heavily and shrugs his shoulders before disappearing into the kitchen. I sit in silence, my foot nervously tapping up and down.

“I don’t understand why you want me to drop it. It’s just a simple question, an observation,” he calls to me from the other room. A single thought occupies my mind. Ever since Beth brought it up during her visit, I can’t stop thinking about my secret. She was right,
I
needed to tell him, and he deserves better than to hear it from someone else. However, I thought I might have more time. I’m being backed into a corner.

“Caitlin? You still there? Why won’t you answer me?”

It’s now or never. “Well, you never asked me again,” I blurt as he enters the room.

Ethan looks confused and joins me on the bed. “What are you talking about?”

“Why I won’t fight back. After Clay, you never asked again.” My nervous foot twitch goes into hyper drive as I furiously gnaw on a thumbnail.

“Well, I just figured you’d tell me when you were ready. What’s this have to do with Nicola? Are you scared of her?” he says with almost a laugh. I want to look at him, but my eyes remain firmly fixed at the floor.

“He always told me nobody would want me.” I feel the familiar stinging of unshed tears threatening to fall.

“Who, babe?” Ethan reaches out and puts his hand on top of my knee in an effort to stop my trembling leg. I finally manage to glance up at him, but my eyes dart back to the spot on the floor.

“Stephen. He always said that once people found out, they wouldn’t accept me; that he was the only person who would ever be with me after…what I did.”

Ethan edges forward, and I put my hand up to stall him. I have to get this out, and if he tries to comfort me, I may lose my nerve.

“I need to tell you something.” My voice is barely above a whisper.

“I don’t understand. Caitlin, you’re worrying me, and you’re shaking!”

“As terrible as it is, you deserve the truth.” I bite my lower lip to stop the trembling.

Ethan’s quiet for a few moments. “What truth? Caitlin, what the hell are you talking about?” His voice is harsh now.

It had happened so many years ago, and I rarely let myself think about it anymore. It’s such a painful memory, but I’ve basically come to terms with what I’d done. Hesitantly, I relive the story of that fateful night for Ethan.

“It was a few days after my twenty-third birthday, and Beth had arranged a night out to celebrate. My shift at the care home finished a little late, so I got ready at work. Afterwards, I set off on foot to the local pub in town where I’d promised to meet everyone.

“My town is small and quiet. It wasn’t a surprise the streets were mostly deserted, and I only saw the occasional person as I made my way. About halfway there, I heard footsteps closing in behind me, but I didn’t worry about it. I felt safe in my sleepy town where bad things rarely happened.

“One moment I was casually walking, minding my own business, and the next I was grabbed from behind and dragged down an alley. My feet scrambled in the gravel, and I couldn’t get my footing. Initially, alarm set in as I clawed at the hands that imprisoned me, but it was to no avail. I was trapped.

“‘There’s no point struggling, bitch,’ the gruff voice said, sending chills up my spine. One hand now gripped both of my arms, while the other one roughly grabbed at my breast.

“I managed to get my panic under control, when a sudden calm washed over me. I wasn’t giving up without a fight. The last year prior, I’d been kick boxing, and I’d been preparing for my first competition. 

“As soon as my feet were firmly back on the ground, I got the leverage I needed to bring my head forward. With all the strength I could muster, I hurled it back and connected with his nose.

“He immediately released me, screaming, ‘You fucking bitch!’ I found myself being propelled forward and landed face forward into a brick wall. Luckily, I’d braced myself, and my hands took most of the impact.

“Turning to face him, I finally saw my attacker. He was a big guy, well over six feet, but with it being dark, his face remained shadowed. I couldn’t quite make out his features. Bringing my hands up, I got into a defensive stance, just how I had practiced a thousand times before. But this wasn’t practice, and I was growing terrified. I tried to channel the calm I’d felt before to stay focused because I couldn’t let this guy hurt me, or maybe even something worse.

“A hand covered his nose, and I had some satisfaction when the blood dripped through his fingers. When he noticed my stance, he laughed. ‘You think you’re going to stop me, stupid bitch? Nothing stops me. You made me bleed; I’ll take my sweet time with you.’

“Involuntary shudders wracked my body, but I remained firm and unmoving. My eyes stayed focused on my target, anticipating his next move. He stalked towards me, and I braced myself…waiting. Waiting for just the right time to make my move. Being as large as he was, he moved slowly and cumbersome. He raised his fist, but before it connected, I swung my leg up with all my might. It landed under his jaw, and his head jolted back.

“He stumbled a couple of paces, and then fell to the ground. His head made the most sickening sound when it smacked against the pavement. I got back into my defensive stance, expecting him to get up. He didn’t move. I kept waiting for him to jump up, to lurch at me, to grab for me… Then I noticed the angle of his neck. I slowly moved forward and nudged his foot with mine. I couldn’t breathe. The alley started to spin, and I vomited right there. I…I…”

“You killed him!” Ethan blurts out instantly stopping my story.

“Yes!” The tears finally flow, and I hide my face in my palms.

Ethan jumps up and paces the room a few times before stopping in front of me. “Are you telling me that some fucking guy dragged you down an alley with the intention to rape you, but before he could, you killed him?” His voice gets louder the more he rants.

“Ethan,” I say, but he halts me with his hand.

“Don’t say anything; I need a moment.” He begins to pace again.

My head becomes dizzy watching him walk back and forth. I’ve lost him; I just know it. Stephen’s words haunt me.
No one is ever going to understand.
My throat’s closing up, and now I’m unable to catch my breath. Tears well in my eyes as a sob chokes out. Ethan must hear it as he abruptly turns to me. “Shit!” he hisses and is suddenly next to me. Rubbing at my back while holding my hand, he whispers for me to calm down and take slow, deep breaths. Doing so calms my breathing, but I still can’t look him in the eye. I don’t have the strength to see the disgust I’m sure he now feels for me.

  “Caitlin,” he says, but I refuse to move. “Caitlin,” he stresses again. This time I lift my tear-swollen eyes to meet his. There’s no disgust on his face. A little hurt maybe, but mostly I see love. “Are you okay now?” I manage a nod in reply. “Good,” he mutters, looking away but continuing to stroke my back. We sit in silence until he asks, “Why haven’t you told me this before?”

“Stephen said…”

He interrupts me. “Fuck what Stephen said!  He’s a damned idiot. Ohhh, what I’m going to do to that man if I ever get my hands on him.”

“NO!” I shout out. “Don’t even say things like that. I can’t ever see him again.” My panic quickly rises again.

“He really did a number on you, didn’t he?” he asks quietly. I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing.

Eventually, Ethan asks, “What happened after?”

I swipe the tears from my cheeks and swallow hard before continuing. “At first I was in shock, but I finally called the police. They arrested me.”

“What!” Ethan exclaims, making me jump. “Shit, babe. Sorry,” he says wrapping me in his arms. He places sweet kisses to my forehead. His tenderness shows I haven’t lost him, and the tears start again. His embrace tightens. “Caitlin, I’m so, so sorry how I reacted.”

“I can’t believe you’re holding me instead of hating me?” I mumble into his chest.

He pulls me away and takes my face in his hands. “How could I hate you?” he adamantly states, dropping his head to kiss to my lips. “What you did was self-defense. Please, tell me you know that, right?”

“I still struggle with that,” I admit. “Self-defense or not, I took a life.”

He remains holding my face and looks deeply into my eyes. “It was you or him, babe. And I thought you were strong before…” He shakes his head, letting out a pent up breath. “I wish you’d told me this earlier, but at least you told me. I could never hate you for defending yourself. That fucking rapist deserved everything he got.” With his words, the relief I feel is out of this world. It’s as if everything that’s been done or said to me doesn’t matter anymore. Ethan is right; it was me or the attacker, and he accepts me completely—baggage and all.

“What happened after those idiots arrested you?”

“I was appointed a lawyer, and it was Stephen.”

“Stephen was your lawyer?” Ethan doesn’t hide his disgust at the mention of his name.

Blowing out a sigh I continue, “Yes, it wasn’t hard for him to convince them of my innocence, especially since my story held up with what was found at the scene. Also, once they identified the man, it turned out he was wanted for six other rapes. He wasn’t local, but he’d hopped on a train and unfortunately found himself in my town.”

“So how the hell did you end up dating your lawyer? Surely that shit’s frowned upon?”

“It didn’t happen at first. After the attack, I wasn’t in a good place. I was on a rare trip out with Beth, and I bumped into him.”

“What do you mean, not a good place?”

“After the attack, I couldn’t get the image of his neck grossly twisted that way out of my head. Every time I shut my eyes, his lifeless ones stared back at me. The guilt ate away at me. I stayed in my room, rarely coming out. My Nan made me see a counselor, but nothing helped. One day, she reached out to the police and asked if her name could be passed on to the other victims. They did as she requested, and three out of the six contacted her, agreeing to meet me.”

“Wow, I bet that was difficult.”

“At first, yes. I couldn’t face anyone, but one of the younger girls grabbed me in a huge hug. She kept thanking me as she desperately clung to me. After hearing their horrific stories, I realized something important. My actions might have saved other girls who would have been unable to protect themselves. At first, Stephen agreed with that sentiment. He was like a knight in shining armor sent to rescue me from my self-pity and guilt. However, the more I healed, the more independence I gained. He didn’t like that. The abuse started simply, with him forcing me to relive the story to keep me scared and at home.” I focus on Ethan’s fingers that are lovingly rubbing circles on my hand. He says nothing, so I continue.

“Anyway, you know the extent of Stephen’s abuse, no need to rehash that. But I wanted to let you know why I freeze like I do with violence. I stopped kick boxing for a year, but eventually my coach talked me into coming back for stress relief. I was never able to compete; the most I managed was light sparring. I was always terrified I’d hurt someone again. I only did it for fun and to keep fit, well until Stephen of course.” We’re now lying down, and I’m snuggled safely in his arms. My eyelids droop; this emotional conversation is exhausting me.

“I understand,” says Ethan. Now he knows everything, and he’s still here. Feeling relief in that fact, I fall asleep safely in the arms of the man I love, and who loves me back unconditionally.

TWENTY THREE

Caitlin

Since our conversation and the incident with Nicola, Ethan is insisting we spend our free time together. I have to say, there are worse ways to spend my week, and I don’t mind it at all. It’s great we’re able to move past everything; in fact I think it’s made us stronger.

The whole Nicola incident seemed to upset Roman much more than he already was, and Ethan didn’t help matters when he laid the blame solely at Roman’s feet, which I find very unfair.

Later that evening after my confession to Ethan, I go to the kitchen to get a drink, and Roman is sitting at the counter looking at his phone, appearing forlorn. It’s a look he wears often nowadays. As I walk over, I bump my shoulder into his. “Hey,” I say.

“Hey,” he says back, still firmly on his phone. I glance at it, and it’s just a blank screen.

“I’m getting a drink. Do you want one?” I inquire.

He shakes his head then looks up at me. “Shit, that’s a nasty bruise on your jaw.” He’s looking really sad, and I hate it. Other than flying back to England and dragging Beth onto a plane, I don’t know how to fix him. Standing in front of Roman, on the other side of the counter, I rest on my elbows and sigh. He waits for me to speak, but I don’t. “Does it hurt?” he asks after a few moments.
Yes, it really does
. It’s feels like a sledge hammer hit me, not Nicola. I’m not about to make him feel more guilty than he already feels. I shake my head, “Roman, I can deal with a bruise. You need to stop feeling bad about this; you didn’t do it to me.” I stress.

He exhales a long breath. “But…”

I stop him. “No ‘but,’ don’t use this as an excuse to bring yourself down even more. Have you texted her?” I know what, or should I say who, this is really about.

He laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “Yes.”

“And did she text back?” I inquire.             

“Yes.” That’s it; that’s all I get.

“Okay, I take the hint. Look, she may be my best friend and I love her to bits, but she made a mistake not staying here with you.”

He is surprised that I know; I can tell. “Thanks.”

I place my hand on his. “You have become very important to me. Very.” I stress. “If she doesn’t come to her senses, it’s her loss.”

Squeezing my hand he says, “It doesn’t feel like it though.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “I know I only spent the week with her, but I feel lost without her, sis.” He’s breaking my heart. That’s also the first time he’s called me
sis
, and it feels nice.

Roman asks for time alone, so I give it to him and head back to Ethan’s room. He’s lying on the bed, one arm covering his eyes. As I lie next to him, he stirs. “Hey babe, where you been?” he asks, his voice husky from sleep. He leaves his arm across his face.

“I was just getting a drink and found Roman in the kitchen.” Ethan only grunts in response. “You need to stop being hard on him and direct your anger at Nicola.” I say, my tone clipped.

Rolling onto his side to face me, he replies, “Trust me, I’m angry with both of them.”

“Well, that’s bloody stupid.” I try to turn away, but he grips my arm to stop me.

“Hey, come on. I don’t want to argue.” I don’t either, so I roll back snuggling into his side.

“Neither do I. Just don’t be hard on him, please.”

He kisses my head. “I will try, okay?”

“Ethan, apart from Roman, I don’t know anything about your family.” Neither of us ever like to talk about that part of our lives, but I’m hoping he’ll open up to me now that I’ve confided so much in him.

“There’s not much to say. My mom died when we were young, and neither of us really remembers her. My dad and stepmom brought us up. It was good. My stepmom died of cancer when I was fourteen. Dad remarried a couple of years later, but his new wife wasn’t that nice. I joined the army at eighteen, and then Roman enlisted as soon as he was old enough. Dad and his wife live about two hours from here now. We don’t really see him.”

“I’m sorry about your mom. It was hard when I lost mine.” I had been eighteen but was lucky I had my Nan. She had always been a great support.

“Thanks, but not really. You can’t miss what you never had. My stepmom, Rosie, she was a great mom. She was the glue that kept us together. When she died, it was hard on us all.”

“Why don’t you see your dad now?” I ask.

He shrugs. “Dad loves us, but he’s not good at showing it. We don’t get along with his wife, and he lets her dictate to him. So it’s just me and Roman, and now you.”

“I like that,” I say.

“Like what?” he asks.

“Being important to you.”
It’s a wonderful feeling
.

He wraps his other arm around me now. “Good, because you’re the most important thing in my life; that won’t change.” I feel the same about this man. As I’m wrapped in his warmth, I fall asleep content in the knowledge of how he feels about our relationship.

The rest of the week is quiet, and now it’s Saturday morning. Luckily, Blake says Ethan can miss coaching, so we can spend a full day out at the zoo. I’m so excited. Okay, I know Ethan and I are taking Donnie and Danny, but I don’t care. I love the zoo. I love animals and always have. When I was a kid, I would drive my mum mad. We had a cat, and he would bring in things he had caught like birds, mice, and even a slow worm once. The thing about our cat was he didn’t kill what he brought in; he just played with them. I would spend time trying to save their little lives. I can remember putting a mouse with a broken leg in a cookie container with paper towels as a bed. I nursed it back to health, and my ten year old self had never been as happy as the day I released him and watched him scurry away.

I had every type of pet as a child: rats, mice, hamsters, birds, fish, cats, dogs, but when I came home one day after my sixteenth birthday with a corn snake called Oscar, my mum banned me from all pet shops. I never had pets with Stephen. He said he had allergies, but I hope to give a home to a furry friend at some point in the future.

Donnie had promised to meet us at Betty’s, and when he joins us, he has a book on primates. He waits until we’re in the car before he starts to describe every monkey in the book. He’s so animated and can’t wait to see them for real. The drive over to Danny’s is not too long. We don’t even get to stop the engine before he comes bounding out the front door. Pat follows, looking flustered. “This boy has been bouncing off the walls! Good luck with him today.”

Ethan and I laugh. “It’s okay; he can run free once we get there,” I say.

Danny climbs in the back, and Donnie begins to go through his book again, this time showing Danny. This is good because Danny calms down and listens intently to Donnie. Pat thanks Ethan again and gives us Danny’s overnight bag. Ethan agrees to bring him home tomorrow evening.

We arrive at the zoo as it’s opening. I’m not sure who’s more excited, Donnie, Danny, or me. Okay, I lied; it’s definitely me.

“Come on, guys. Hurry up,” I say, eager to get to the entrance.

Ethan chuckles. “You’re such a child.” I grin up at him. He has NO idea.

The zoo is massive. I read in the information leaflet that it’s made up of 42 acres and has over 1,300 animals. I’m in heaven. They have a schedule of things going on throughout the day, like feeding times and talking to the keepers. We take a note of the ones we really want to see, and then start to make our way around the zoo. I spot the lorikeets’ enclosure. They are beautiful birds with vibrant colors of blue, red, green, and yellow. They love nectar, and the zoo sells it to the patrons. As people walk through, the birds fly over and sit on them, trying to eat the nectar from the cups in their hands. I have done this at a zoo in the UK, and it’s lots of fun. I manage to talk the guys into coming in with me. “Come on, we need to buy some nectar.”

“What, we have to buy it?” asks an irritated Ethan.

“Yes, you cheap skate,” I joke. “Don’t worry; I’ll pay.”

“No, you won’t. The amount it cost to get in, you’d think they’d give the nectar for free. I mean, look at the size of those containers,” he grumbles, as he purchases the tiny pots.

I can see his point; it’s twelve dollars for the four pots, and they’re tiny. Donnie doesn’t like the birds flying around his head, so he waits outside and watches through the window. Danny takes Donnie’s container so all the birds flock to him, and he looks on in awe. Even Ethan seems to be enjoying himself.

Next, we find the gorilla enclosure. Every primate that we’ve come across so far, Donnie has gotten his book out and read us the page about that particular animal.  We come to a large silverback who has his back to us. He bends down showing us his backside. Donnie squints looking from the gorilla then back to the book. “Ethan, what’s that between its legs?” he inquires.

“Umm,” squirms Ethan.

“They’re his balls,” says Danny, very matter of fact.

“Balls?” questions Donnie, squinting his eyes at the picture in his book, “They’re not in my book.”

Ethan looks at me, panic on his face. I can’t help but enjoy his embarrassment. “Come on, boys. Let’s see what animal’s next,” I say as we move off.

Ethan comes up behind me and whispers in my ear, “Nice save.”

We stay the whole day, and we’re one of the last groups of visitors to leave. The boys get in the truck, and Ethan gives me a bag with something he bought from the gift shop.

“What’s this?” I ask.

Eagerly handing me the bag, he replies, “Just something I saw and thought you might like to remind you of the day.”

“Awwww, that’s very thoughtful,” I say as I open the bag. I sputter as I peek inside. “A gorilla?” I look between the stuffed toy’s legs, “Thankfully, no balls.” Ethan chuckles and then opens my door for me.

We drop Donnie home then make our way back to Ethan’s apartment. Walking inside, Ethan asks, “Danny are you hungry? We can get take-out if you like?”

“What! Really? Nan always says we can’t afford take-out.”

Ruffling Danny’s hair, he says, “My treat, anything you want.”

“Anything?!” Danny is looking so cute right now with his mouth wide open in complete amazement. “Can we get pizza?”

The pizza arrives forty-five minutes later, and Roman has joined us. The guys spend the rest of the evening playing Xbox. It’s lovely to see Danny nestled in between Roman and Ethan.

Sunday morning, Ethan suggests he and Danny cook us an early dinner while Roman and I go to the gym. “You cook?” I mock.

“Ha! Yes, I didn’t survive on take-out my whole life.”

“Okay then, sounds lovely,” I say.

“Yes,” says Danny, happy I’ve agreed. “Ethan, can we make spaghetti and meatballs? It’s my favorite.”

“Sounds good. I love it, too,” Then I say, a little over excited, “Oooh, can you get garlic bread please?”

Ethan rolls his eyes, smiling. “Anything for you.” 

After training and eating the best spaghetti and meatballs I’ve ever tasted, Danny seems down, and I watch as Ethan asks him what’s wrong. “Nothing, I just don’t want to leave yet,” he says quietly.

“Hey,” Ethan says. “We will make this a regular thing. We loved having you here.”

“Really?” he hollers. When Ethan nods, Danny throws himself at him. As I watch them hug, my heart melts just a little bit more, not just for Ethan, but for Danny, too.