Surrendered (Heart of a Warrior Series Book 3) (8 page)

Conner puffed his chest. “I can teach you a lot of things, Aunt Kaylan. Want to know more?”

Kim laughed and ruffled her son’s hair. “We are still teaching him what it looks like to
act
with humility, but at least he understands the concept. All right, Conner, it sounds like you know how to talk to your class now. Time for bed.”

“Ah, Mom.”

“No, ah Mom. Hop to, mister.”

“Okay.” He stood from the couch and reverently placed the Trident back in its case.

“Don’t lose it, champ,” Logan said as he passed the box off to his son.

Conner held the box tightly, his knuckles turning white. “Never.”

With goodnights all around, Kim ushered him off to bed.

“You don’t have to rush off, Kayles. Sit down, stay awhile,” Logan offered.

“You sure?” She wasn’t sure when her heart made the transition between Alabama and California. Maybe when Nick said those three little words that made her head spin. Maybe when he proposed or when guys from his Team showed up to both celebrate and grieve with her over Sarah Beth. But in this moment, her heart knew the familiarity of home with this family and this husband and dad who reminded her so much of Nick. California and Nick suddenly felt more permanent, more appealing than Alabama ever had.

She sank into the brown suede couch in the Carpenter’s living room, her eyes flitting from photo to photo of the Carpenter family and landing on the newest with Logan’s leg absent, but a beautiful new baby girl completing the scene.

“How are you doing with the separation? Any easier than last time?”

Kaylan shook her head. “I think it’s harder now.”

Logan tipped his head to the side, his kind eyes absorbing her internal struggle. “Why is that?”

She shrugged, not sure where to begin. “Have you and Kim ever fought before a deployment?” Kaylan already suspected the answer. Kim was a saint, the perfect SEAL wife.

“Yes, we did. Hardest deployment of all time because of that disagreement. He never left with things unsettled like that again,” Kim answered before Logan could as she reentered the room. “Every deployment is difficult, even more so depending on the season—pregnancy, a move, family illness. Life happens. But we determined after that deployment that we would never part with things that unsettled again, no matter what’s going on. It just isn’t worth it.” Instead of sitting by Kaylan on the couch, she perched on Logan’s good leg, wrapping her arm around his neck.

“How did y’all deal with that first disagreement?”

Logan and Kim shared a knowing smile. “I waited until he finally called me and then begged and pleaded for forgiveness and then made it up to him when he got home.”

Kaylan nodded, not feeling any better. She wanted to fix things now. Wanted to wrap her arms around Nick’s neck and kiss him until everything went back to the way it should be.

“Kayles, I promise Hawk won’t hold onto it for long. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

Kaylan couldn’t meet Logan’s eyes. “You don’t understand. I accused him of wanting to leave me. Then he gave me an ultimatum.”

“Oh, one of those.” Kim reached for Kaylan’s hand and squeezed. “Hawk loves you. It isn’t the end of the world.”

“Kayles, look at me.” Logan waited until Kaylan raised her head. She saw that his compassion for her was edged with a silent challenge. “Hawk never wants to leave you, but he will always want to go. It’s the dichotomy of a fighter. You are marrying a warrior who doesn’t know how not to fight or answer the call of duty.”

“Trust me,” Kim chimed in. “It will always be hard.” She squeezed Logan’s neck. “But loving a warrior is always worth it.”

“And why is that?”

Kim slipped next to Kaylan on the couch and squeezed her knee. “Because even when he leaves you, he’s always fighting for you.”

At Kim’s words, Kaylan’s heart swelled with love and pride for her warrior.

Logan continued. “Tell him you love him, reassure him that you are here. Life will go on at home, and the separation will end. But don’t make it harder for him to leave, Kayles. It will create a rift between the two of you and distract him while he’s gone. A SEAL who is mentally distracted isn’t good to anyone, and guys on the team will blame you for that. Love him by letting him leave well. And then show him how much you missed him when he’s back. You will treasure the time home even more. Besides, coming home after a long absence keeps life new and exciting.” Logan winked at Kim, who turned a deep crimson.

“On that note,” Kaylan chuckled, “Conner said you have a doctor’s appointment in the morning.”

“He does.” The excitement in Kim’s voice charged Kaylan. “He might qualify for a prosthetic.”

“Logan, that’s great!” Kaylan squeezed Kim’s hand.

“Here’s what’s even better.” He lowered his voice but nothing could squash the hope emanating from every syllable. “They’ve asked me to be an instructor at BUD/S. Kayles, I would get to be the gatekeeper of the community training of our future ranks.”

Kaylan squealed. “That is the best news I’ve heard all year! Have you told anyone else yet?”

Logan shook his head. “They know about the possibility, but not that it might be a reality. Keep it quiet for now. I want to make sure the doctor is on board and I take the necessary time to heal and adjust. I’ll tell my team, but I want to wait and tell the guys when they get back. They don’t need anything to distract them while they are gone.”

“They won’t hear it from me, then. Let me know how it goes.” Kaylan stifled a yawn. “Time to go. Thanks for letting me hang out with the kids tonight.”

“Anytime you want to give us a break, you just let us know,” Kim chuckled.

“Will do.” Kaylan waved before Kim closed the door behind her. As she headed for her car, she stole another look at the house. She couldn’t help but think that this breed of warrior couldn’t be defeated, in death or injury. Their courageous spirit remained unshakeable.

Chapter Ten

Kaylan found the first note attached to her wedding dress bag hanging in her closet. It was a sunny Saturday. Nick had been gone for five days. Five long days. Her only contact had been a couple hurried emails saying he was fine, Micah was as annoying as ever, and he would call her soon. The rift between them still weighed heavy.

Final wedding details were coming together. She’d asked for her girls’ sizes, ordered dresses, and now was on her way to a fitting and to pick up the dresses at the boutique she had found an hour and a half away near Los Angeles. But the note gave her pause. He must have written it before their big fight.

She fought back the “what ifs” that threatened to cloud her mind in a hazy fog of emotion and irrational thinking. Life was too short for “what ifs.” To be the epitome of a SEAL wife, she better grow a backbone and quit panicking every time she thought about Nick not coming back. He was coming back until she got word that he wasn’t. No need to entertain nightmares any further.

She laid the garment bag on her bed and sank into the pillow-top mattress. “To my girl” stretched on the front in his strong but hurried writing. Kaylan pulled a letter out of the envelope and smiled as she remembered the letters Nick had once written to her while in Haiti. She’d loved every one, her very own love language that Nick spoke all too well. It made her miss him even more.

Hey, babe,

Don’t worry, I didn’t take a peek at the dress. Megan was hovering like a buzzard, so there was no chance anyway.

Kaylan laughed, biting her nail as she fell into his prose.

I knew I wouldn’t be here to talk through decisions with you, and I know how much you love that, so this was the next best thing. If you are looking at your dress, you are either one of those girls that needs to try it on every day to make sure you haven’t gained weight (you haven’t, by the way), or it is time for a fitting, which also means you are going to get the bridesmaids’ dresses.

So here’s my two cents on those. Don’t get the pink if you don’t want it. Sarah Beth wouldn’t care. Her memory will be with you that day, even if her favorite color isn’t. Be free to choose what YOU want. However, if you want pink, I’m all for it. Just figure out a manly way to incorporate it, and maybe don’t make the guys wear it? I may veto you when I get back, or we will have a full-fledged groomsmen mutiny on our hands. SEALs don’t wear pink and neither do your brothers. Well, maybe Seth from time to time. And maybe Jay and Colt. Okay, forget I said that. I don’t want to wear pink. Period. But I GUESS I will for you if there are no other options.

Kaylan laughed out loud. What a guy to think she could change the color after she had ordered the dresses.

Wherever I am, know that I’m thinking of you. Know that I love you. Know that I can’t wait to spend a lifetime picking out colors for things. Please never doubt any of that.

Nick

Guilt weighed as heavy as a rock in the pit of her stomach. He’d known it would be hard, known her desire to have him with her every step of the way, and he’d done this for her. She suspected she would find more letters as the days passed, but even the thought couldn’t erase the burgeoning desire she had to apologize, to take back her accusations and scathing words. She’d lashed out in fear and insecurity, and now she just wanted everything back to normal. She would send him another email when she got back home.

Kaylan still didn’t know how to cope with his absence in big moments. The surprise letter still couldn’t make up for the fact that he wasn’t here, making plans for the future with her.

Nor could it dispel a deeper fear: that she’d lose him forever.

Just like she’d lost Sarah Beth.

Her heart in turmoil, she knelt beside the bed and pulled the box Nick had made her. In it she kept all the letters he had written her after their first breakup and during his first deployment as a SEAL. On top of that sat letters from Haiti, and a strand of a tassel he had tied around her ring finger the first time they took her ring to get cleaned and she felt naked without it. Photos rested haphazardly on top of the letters, and a Ziploc bag contained dried petals from numerous bouquets. On top of all that she placed his most recent letter to be read over and over again until his return. Then she closed the box and slid it back into place under her bed.

With new resolve, Kaylan grabbed the dress and snagged a white piece of paper with an address scribbled in blue ink from her dresser. A pang of guilt shot through her at the thought of what she was about to do, but she had decided it was for Nick’s own good.  He had so much to think about. She would help him with this, and he would thank her later. But guilt stung as she remembered his words to leave it alone.

With a final glance at the paper in her hand she left the house for a fitting and the unknown.

*

The coffee shop beckoned with the earthy smell of beans and the crunching whir of a grinder. Brick comprised one wall of the room, with antique mirrors and frames decorating the rest. Vintage couches formed intimate corners in the back, and mismatched circular tables and chairs were scattered around the distressed hardwood floors. The room was a cozy kind of cluttered.

A few people worked or read while others sipped coffee and talked. Mostly a hipster crowd, a few young couples and a group of girls sat on one side of the room. A balding man with a sharp gray suit sat in the corner sipping coffee from a white mug with black script that read “My mom says I’m a superstar.” Kaylan smothered a smile at the irony of the stiff businessman trying to look cool in the quaint coffee shop. 

Kaylan ordered coffee in a carry-out cup in case things didn’t go well with Natalie. She accepted the warm cup from the barista. Turning to find a seat, she nearly bowled over the businessman, who stood behind her waiting for a refill.

“I am so sorry. I didn’t see you there.” The man stood several inches shorter than her willowy height. He seemed easily amused or nervous, possibly both.

“It’s quite all right. I’m happy to see you didn’t spill.”

His slight nasal tone and Eastern European accent sent a chill through her. He sounded just like . . . She shook her head. No. She wouldn’t go there. He wasn’t Dmitri. No use dwelling on past horrors.

Kaylan managed a smile. “Nope, nothing escaped.” She held up her cup to show him. “Sorry again. Have a good day.”

He nodded and stepped around her to request a refill. Dispelling the mood that threatened to descend along with past memories, Kaylan grabbed a high wingback arm chair in the back corner and began flipping through a wedding magazine, paying more attention to the customers entering the shop. She glanced at the large clock hanging near the coffee bar. 3:30 p.m. Natalie should be here any moment.

As if on cue, the door opened, and Nick’s sister, Natalie Grace McMurray, waltzed into Kaylan’s life.

The woman searched the dimly lit room, and Kaylan lifted a tentative hand. Her light blonde hair hung right above her shoulders and flipped out. Her flannel shirt, jeans, and Converse shoes spoke of a girl who knew how to dress cute and comfortable—a girl who knew who she was and didn’t need to apologize for it or dress to impress anyone else. She was related to Nick, all right. Kaylan liked her already. But what if Natalie didn’t like
her
?

Natalie smiled and held up a finger as she placed an order. Kaylan ran her hands over her jeans to alleviate the sweat. What was she thinking? She finally understood why Nick hadn’t wanted to do this, hadn’t known how. How could she disrupt this girl’s life? How could she disrupt Nick’s? Nick had walked around in shock for weeks after finding out he had a blood sister, a twin. Family that he had always wanted. But how could she spring this news on this unsuspecting woman?

Grabbing her magazine, she stuffed it into her oversized purse and prepared to bolt. Light blue Converse stopped at her bag. Slowly she looked up at a friendly smile and eyes as blue as cornflowers.

“You must be Kaylan. I’m Natalie.” She held out her hand.

Too late to back out now. Kaylan stood and returned her handshake. “Hey! Thanks for meeting me. I hope it didn’t put you out any.”

“Not at all. In fact, you saved me from doing laundry.” Natalie sank into the plush armchair across from Kaylan and curled her feet under her. She took a sip of coffee and grimaced. “Whew, too hot.”

Kaylan laughed. “What’d you get?”

“That caramel, mocha macchiato thing-a-ma-jig they have up there. I don’t know.” She took another tiny sip and wiped foam off her lip. “All I know is that it’s amazing.”

Now Kaylan really liked her.

“What did you get?”

“Their signature coffee. I’m not sure what country it’s from, but I want to hop on a plane and go there right now.”

“Girl, take me with you. Although I might pass on the coffee and try some of the local cuisine instead.” Natalie took another sip.

“Not a big coffee fan?”

“Only the flavored stuff. And only when I meet people like this. Otherwise I stick to tea or water.”

“Noted for next time.”

Natalie unfolded from her chair and reached into her bag. “Your email said you were interested in the Air Force.” She dropped a thin folder on the small table between them. “Here’s some info. By the way, how did you say you came across my name again?”

Kaylan swallowed coffee, the sip scalding her throat and warming her belly. “I don’t think I did. It was just a friend of a friend. Anyway, they said you’d grown up in the culture and worked at a base now and could tell me a bit about it.”

Natalie’s light blue eyes sharpened as she studied Kaylan. “Uh-huh. Let me know if you have any questions. I’m not actually in the Air Force, I just help out around the base, so I may not be the best one to ask.” Her eyes drifted over Kaylan from head to toe. “You interested in joining up?”

Kaylan shook her head, struggling with the lies that kept piling up. Well, half-truths, anyway. But there wasn’t really a difference no matter what she told herself. “No, just research. After hearing a little about you, I thought it would be cool to meet you in person.” That was true.

Natalie nodded, her gaze growing more reserved but her friendly smile still in place. “So tell me a little about yourself, Kaylan. You don’t sound like you’re from around here.”

Now this was safe territory. At least most of it. Kaylan relaxed into her chair. “Is my accent bleeding through?”

“More like gushing.”

Kaylan laughed. “My momma would be proud. I grew up in Alabama. After college, I applied for internships all over the country and landed in California.”

Surprise laced her face. “That’s a long way from home.”

“Some days it’s farther than others.”

Her sad smile spoke of one who understood the pain of absence. “Do you see them often?”

“Well, I have a brother that lives out here, too.” Dangerous territory. Kaylan sped on, “And we try to go home as often as possible.”

“What does your brother do?”

Kaylan paused and shifted in her seat, wondering how far to take this conversation. Should she just dive in and talk about Nick? “He and my fiancé are both SEALs.”

“Ah, some of those.” Natalie grinned and took a sip. “It’s hard to handle one of those guys, let alone two.”

Kaylan chuckled, thinking of all their bonfires, dinners, and parties. “You get used to it.”

Natalie set her cup on the table and leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. Her eyes met Kaylan’s and demanded connection. “I grew up in an Air Force family, moving from place to place. My dad’s in Washington, D.C., now. He didn’t want me to have that kind of nomadic life, so he begged me not to join. That’s about the only thing I listened to. Still, I couldn’t escape the tug of that community, so I work at the base as a civilian in public relations. It’s as close as I can get to the sky and still honor my dad’s wishes.”

“Sounds like you have a pretty good dad.” Kaylan tensed under Natalie’s relentless gaze. Her baby steps had been too much, too fast.

“He’s pretty great. He and Mom used to say I have x-ray vision.”

Kaylan’s laugh sounded nervous, even to herself. Natalie’s face had lost every hint of a smile. Curiosity, defensiveness, and a quiet strength radiated from her in waves. How many more traits would remind Kaylan of Nick? “Why did they say that?”

“It means I’ve always been good at reading people, knowing if they are telling the truth, and you, Kaylan, have been hiding something since I walked in that door.” She leaned back in her chair and pulled a knee up to her chest, once again completely comfortable and in control in her environment. “Now, how about telling me why you really contacted me?”

Kaylan gripped her cup. It was now or never.