Tainted (6 page)

You have no amulet, my lady.  Guard your thoughts unless you want to hear the river I want to release into your mind
.  He shouldn’t, but he loved being able to talk to me this way now.  My emotions were keeping me open and clear and Ian was using complete concentration reign me in.  So much for him not reading my thoughts like we thought.

Why not do this all the time?  Save your voice! 
I offered folding my arms.  I needed to stand my ground but sarcasm inside your own head was a wee bit harder to get across.
What river would you release?

“You’re not ready for that yet,
”
Ian said too calm and collectively, shoulders squared
.
His eyes seeing every little detail of what my mind wasn’t saying but my body was.
He knew I was affected by him.

I was there.  At the ceremony.  And when you were born.  I’m glad you chose our court. 

Why are you telling me this?
  “If you’d not keep things from me, I’d be better informed before I do something you don’t approve of.”  Ian didn’t answer back to me so I guessed he was about to switch back to speaking aloud.  I noticed his body shrunk a little in exhaustion, his fists opening.  Does it tire him to force the talking in our heads...or chasing after me?

Stormed with pain his eyes never left mine, “Protection, Grace.  You are the queen of the Seelie Court who should not go gallivanting about where the enemies lurk.  You are a queen that shouldn’t compromise the entire court by perishing for a simple curiosity.  We all know what happened to the cat, as you so often ponder.  A queen needs to stop and think about her court and its best interests, not chase the mouse.  A queen will lose the trust of her people should she—"

“Trust?  You’re one to talk.  You’ve both promised me trust, but still you treat me like I can’t handle things.  You are so busy trying to keep me “protected” that you’ve left me sitting with the dunce hat walking around my “people” as if I haven’t a care in the world.  I can’t protect them if I don’t know how.  Don’t tell me what I’m not doing until you’re prepared to admit what you’re not doing with this little charade of egging me on.  You say you’ll include me one minute, and then the next you and Pike are plotting without me.  And then you mess with my mind and I just get all confused around you.  You consume me and I can’t see around you, like I’m stuck in a glass wall for the few seconds while you capture your prey.”  I fumed back at him. 

He didn’t aim back at this little tirade, but breathed in deeply closing his eyes telling me it was something he didn’t want to hear.

“You can’t leave alone again.”  He stood expressionless and stepped closer.  His mouth twitched with annoyance.  He avoided the dodging secrets from me again.

“Fine.”  I didn’t move, paralyzed when another step came my way. 

His face was an inch from mine.  His hand touched my cheek.  My breathing was ragged, my chest rising fast.  I forget to stay mad when his lips parted just so and tilted my head to fit his hand.  Then...I turned away.  When I turned back, he was gone.

I fell on the bed and cried refusing to leave my room till lunch was called.  By then my eyes had lost their puffiness and I changed and headed to the table.  Ian never came.  We’d never really had a fight of this caliber.  In reality it wasn’t a fight really, since few words had been exchanged.  But not seeing him to face the problem had me guessing he’s so mad he’s just going to ignore me.  Progress, none!   I returned to my rooms and this time refused dinner.  When I bedded down for the night, I told Danella to stay outside my room and to not let anyone in.  I wanted to be totally alone like I should be.  Punish myself for what I did, but not because it bothered him.  Because he will not let me help due to his protective cover.  My mind went through a million things, a long list of need to do’s.

I had to face the Pike situation soon as well.  He was overstepping my personal space lately.  His scent continued to hit me hard throwing my system into overdrive no matter where I went in the court.  I still don’t understand the reasons why I have this great sense of smell around these men anyway.  In fact, I don’t smell anyone else so potently like the three
.
They just seem to penetrate deeper into my soul.  Pike was able to read me well without links and magic.  Like he knew me.  He just gets me.  Understands even what I don’t say.  But Ian can’t seem to ever guess my thoughts or moves. 

I was so alone.  Ian hadn’t spoken to me again yet and the ignoring thing was getting to me now more than ever. My parents were in so much danger.  I was still doing all the wrong things.  What else could go wrong?  Don’t ask!  Don’t ask!  That was all I repeated into my pillow as I drifted off to sleep with tears gluing my face to the pillow’s edge.

Long into the night, I didn’t hear the soundless footsteps that led up to and stood beside my bed.  The angel dressed in devil’s clothing lying beside me was too still to have just sat down and I wondered how long he’d been here, watching me.

I took a breath, looked at his face, and moved my hand down under the covers to check that all of my clothing was lying against me.  He chuckled at my reaction.

I wanted to ask why he was here, but couldn’t find the courage to go first, so I just stared at his eyes avoiding his lips. Trying to concentrate on being mad, my lip curled into my mouth biting my bottom lip.

He knew I was not done quizzing myself inside, but he wanted to be first.  “I’m sorry.”

Not enough.
I didn’t budge.

He cupped my chin and brushed his thumb against my jaw.  “I should be quicker to show you all there is to know, but my self-preservation of what is mine and my non-willingness to lose you takes over.  I know you are thinking my man-pride is what it’s all about, but…” 

I opened my mouth slightly at that admission of truth giving him an open and acknowledging him using my lingo from years of attacking his ego.  Maybe he’s getting somewhere close to what I want to hear using my words to say it.

“…it’s selfishness in its entirety.  I can’t lose you, Grace.  I won’t lose you.”  His eyes flickered.  Just for a second only. “I can’t lose you.  I won’t lose you,” he repeated.  He stared at me and my breath caught in my throat.

I found my voice, but it still cracked from sleep, “I do know that, but it gets in the way of letting me be me.  I can’t live under your wing.  Forgive the picture, but you’ve got to let me fly.  Keeping things from me tears us apart.  I can’t go on if you hide from me.  I just can’t.  What you did, ignoring me.  I messed up Ian, but if you hate me that much when I mess up…well, I just can’t bear that either.”

He pulled closer to me.  “What else are you keeping from me?” I said thickly being bold and daring in the heat of the moment.

“I’m keeping a lot from you, but that’s beside the point.”

My lungs panged out a sharp tug.  “And, you’re not up to sharing just yet?”

“If I told you how much I feel about you, you might be so frightened I’d lose you,” he said in a voice meant only for me!  His heart broke in all ways of broken.  “So, we will compromise.”  His voice was sharp all over again.

I raised my eyebrows because I’d heard this before.

“I mean, if I assure you that you will know every detail from now on that is pertinent for you to know, no matter the severity, you promise to absolutely, never go running off on your own ever,
ever
again.   And you will council before you decide anything that endangers yourself in any way.”

I was looking for a loophole or if he left himself one, but couldn’t find one.  Maybe later. “Deal!  On one condition.”  His hackles rose impulsively.  I laughed on the inside.  “I will go see my mother.”

“Not that!”  He rolled over on his back beside me. 

“Why not?”  He let go of my arm.  Best I could guess, man pride didn’t seem to want to let me, his woman, know he could let me down by somehow not protecting me.  Getting to understand men is hard but it reminded me of my old phrase, we really are from Venus and them, Mars.  We just walk on different wavelengths or something.

“Grace, that is the one thing that would be the most dangerous item you could ask for.”

“But I want her to know I love her.  I want to say thank you.  I owe her that much.”

“And after we solve the Kinsler problem that is feasible.”

“No, I need it before.  Just in case.”

He understood, but could he give me this?  If Pike and he both surrounded me, Kin would still be watching.  They could pull off a diversion, but what?

“How about, maybe, if it is safe.”

I hesitated.  I would have to take it.

“Deal!”

“Sealed with…” he started to roll back over but before he could turn, I’d already risen up to meet him, pressed my silky gowned body firmly against him, and found his mouth.  He reacted quicker to it than a gentleman should, but the way I melted into him was just meant to be.  He purposefully kept his hands stiffly beside him. 

I stopped, my mouth against his.  “What’s wrong?”

“Absolutely nothing and everything,” he staggered to the side of the bed.

“Hmm!”

“Please Grace, you have to know what you do.”

“What?  Me?”  I batted my eyelids as he scooted off the bed and stood up almost crooked and in pain. “Fine!” I sulked. 

“Lord, woman!  How can I keep your virtue if you won’t keep it yourself?” Sometimes he sounded so human male like this, and sometimes he sounded otherworldly, like he really was.

I giggled at the power I held sitting up and letting the strap on my gown fall too far showing more shoulder than I should. 
Oops!   

“Breakfast.”  It was not a question.  I heard him mumble to himself, “After a cold water shower, maybe.”  He shook his head as he left me.

Danella helped me get ready giving me mostly the silent treatment.  When I finished tying my braided hair with my favorite iridescent green ribbons to match my gown, I stopped when she grabbed my arm. 

“Miss, a bit of advice.”

I nodded.  Danella would give it regardless.

“Be honest.  Master Ian is only protecting you.  You should see the way he looks at you, lovingly and when he’s angry too.  He can’t stand the thought of losing you.”

Danella was sometimes like my personal horoscope except she knew exactly what I needed to hear and what I sometimes, didn’t want to hear.  “Thank you.  You always know exactly what I want or need to hear,” I said repeating my thoughts.

“Anytime.” She scampered off with a twinkle in her eye happy with herself.

***

He eventually gave in.  So the arrangements were made and Danella, Ian, Pike, Rion, Caymin, and Bane, Ian’s chosen personal guard as of late were to set out before noon when all was ready to accompany me to our destination.

I dressed in my traveling attire and “Ian picked” armor, and walked out of my room giddy with excitement.  I smiled at the sight before me.  Tall, dark, and handsome was leaning with that casual way about him.  He smiled, but not an easygoing smile like usual. “Good morning!” 

“Good morning to you!”  I looked him over and shook my head.  He was so wow but I was still hesitant to be forward with him after the silent treatment!  Yes, maybe I neglected to think smartly on going to see my parents, but I didn’t deserve the silent treatment.  I’d never known him to be cruel.

We’d decided that a small group would do if we appeared to only be visiting, for which we were.  “What the queen wants, the queen gets!”  Pike commented to Ian as we were departing but nothing more. 

As we walked through the exiting boundaries of the summer court lands, Pike sounded his booming voice, “one small step for our kind.”

Dork!

Sexy dork!
  A ghost of a smile played on his face with not a second to lose.  He was quick with comebacks.  So was I.

Double dork!

He laughed.  I responded with the same.  Ian turned abruptly eyeing us both with a glare.

Pike raised both arms in surrender and walked past him.

“I don’t like this,” Ian mumbled.  He stopped fast and grabbed my arm.  “Where is your bracelet?”

Uh, oh!
  The deer in headlights look didn’t help my situation.  The rest, I noticed were ahead, but Pike somehow was right by my side again. 

“Kin has it,” Pike rescued me but I had absolutely no idea how he knew in the first place.  I looked at him softly.
I'm not sure this is helping me.

He narrowed his eyes.
You need it and
I have my reasons, Grace.

I broke the too long gaze and returned to Ian.  “He took it from me.”

Ian had both lips drawn in. 
Uh, oh!
  I knew what those lips meant.

He watched me for too long then stepped back a tad and put his own hands behind his neck releasing his silver leaf pendant.  He walked behind me and fastened it around my neck lifting my hair.  Then he gently pulled my hair free of the chain and kissed the back of my neck coolly.  He turned to face me boldly tucking the necklace into my shirt going further in than needed to fold it against my skin for blocking.  I gasped barely and widened my eyes searching for his reasons behind the boldness.   Only one reason, Pike watched the whole time.

“There, you will be guarded.”

“But you won’t.”

“He is old, Grace.  A hundred year old Fey Prince hardly needs a little charm,”  Pike shared this information with obvious cruel intentions.  Pike’s famous double meanings!

I glanced at Pike’s neck where his shirt tied with a string across his chest, or rather untied at the moment like he preferred.  You could just see chest hair peeking out, but no chain. 
Huh!

“No, I don’t need one.” Pike was proud to say.

“Nope, older.”  Ian sneered meant as an insult.

“Nope, controlled.” Pike seemed neither hindered nor frustrated like Ian.

“Why is it you and I talk so often then?” I asked Pike before thinking it through.

Ian’s eyes went wide with this unbidden, but unspoken revelation.  Pike’s grin widened.  He was very happy with my dumb witted response. 

“Because I like too.”  He looked at Ian.  “And because he asked me to monitor your thoughts for danger.”

Oh, I really don’t like this.  “You want me to have no privacy, Ian?” 

He could spit nails at Pike right now.  “No, Grace.  I know that right now he is the one link that can get to you faster than I if you are in danger.  It only proved correct with your little escapade.  If Pike hadn’t read you and threatened Kinsler with bodily harm, Kinsler might have taken you.   I would not have been there to warn him off and you wouldn’t be here.”

I was haywire.  Pike warned Kin off?  Kin was somewhat nice yesterday.  I’m so confused.

He was stringing you along saying what he knew you wanted to hear, Grace.  Don’t trust him.  And Ian had to warn him off.  He was standing almost a foot from you.  If he hadn’t stepped in, Kin would have taken you.

Then why did you—

Ian grabbed the top of my dress and opened it dropping his pendant back down into my shirt where it had eased out.  “Just stop.  STOP!  Don’t talk to her like this.  It’s killing me.  I can’t tell what you two are saying.” Ian threw his arms up and started pacing back and forth.  He put both of his hands to his head pulling them through his hair.

I knew instantly that Pike was stepping back as I was stepping closer to Ian.  It was just so dang easy to get caught up in talking to Pike.  In my thoughts.  He was so easy to get snared by or just talk to however you look at it.  He didn’t hide everything from me but he made up for in bad manners with the way he walked away now nodding towards me with his devil smile.  Men!  He knew what he was doing either way.  He was trying to get my attention, but he was also kind of turning into a friend.  Foe to Ian.

Ian walked past me saying nothing.

At midday, my mom didn’t know of the visit, but Pike already checked to see if she was home.  Our group walked casually out into the open field behind my house.  The posted “baddies” weren’t anywhere in sight but wouldn’t be far.  I walked around to the front of the house and knocked. There was no need to hide from my mom, but the rest hid their true natures and appeared as college age students for a visit though it looked more like a frat house walking in the door.  They would allow a story to circulate that Ian and I finished our GED’s online and were now going to college in another state.  We’d decide which college after careful research as to where the graduating class dispersed.  Caylie and Pam would be furious I showed up without seeing them. 

The GED part was correct.  I requested that we both finish it for our own peace of mind and for my mom.  Ian protested the whole way to the local library earlier this week mumbling things about the danger we were in.  We’d decided online was the fastest and easiest way to go and was now a done deal as of a week ago. 
Yeah me!

When my mom opened the door, she broke into a huge smile and welcomed the entire group.  My two personal guards stood at the front and back doors from the inside for a small amount of protection Ian could feel confident with.  My mom surprisingly had several dozen cookies made for the Winslow Town Carnival fundraiser. She set back a pan, gave us the rest and they were gone before the saran wrap was opened all the way.  “Guess we are a bigger group than we thought,” I laughed.  Men eat more than I could have ever imagined.  I guess I never watched the football and soccer table at lunch.  Did they pack this much away too?

My mom and I moved off to the sofa for some small amount of privacy while Ian stayed in the kitchen chatting with Bane and Danella who couldn’t stop herself from cleaning the house.  She went off muttering to the other room, “I’m only gone for a few months and it’s filthy.  What will they do without me?  I will see about sending a new one in.”

“Mom,” I turned quietly to her when we were halfway alone.  “How are you?”  I couldn’t physically touch her.  My mom was Fey, but she’d lived in the human world so long, that one touch from me, the already doused in magic queen, could prolong her life even more.  Or so they thought.  We couldn’t take the chance.  Was it so selfish to maybe want your mom a bit longer? 

I couldn’t do that to anyone unless they chose too, and didn’t want to anyhow.  Prolonging a life should be a choice.  

“Fine, I miss you.  Dad is fine.  The pictures you’ve sent helped.  He would like to hear from you, I think.  He is reassured by the pictures, but he craves the interaction.  It’s like he lost his daughter.”

That hurt but odd coming from a man who spent little time with me.  “I know,” I stared at my hands feeling punished to no go to her.  Leaving home stories have to be true.  You don’t know what you have till it’s gone.

“Do you think I could leave something for him?  I saw him earlier.”

“No honey.  I think that would break his heart even more if you were to visit and not see him.  And it’s not safe.  You shouldn’t come.  He—”  She stopped to peek out the window.

Duh! 
I told myself to pull it together.  I knew my mom stopped because Kin was listening.  He may have hid himself for us to arrive, but he was still here.

“You knew all these years.  And I understand why you never told me.  But…”  I paused willing myself for what answer my mom gave me.  “…Why did you stay out of the court and marry a human?”

My mom had a confused look, but softened quickly and turned her head to the kitchen.  She watched Ian while he laughed at something said by Bane, but he had both eyes on me.  “Why did you go with him?” She pointed her head to Ian.  I was dense at first not getting her innuendo.  My mom continued, “You could have said no.”

The answer dawned on me.  “You loved him too.”  I couldn’t see what my mom saw in my boring lawyer dad, but I’d always seen how much she was devoted to him.  He was everything to her.  Ian was my everything, then and always!

My mom shook her head and continued to look at Ian.  “And I’ve been able to read your mind for longer than you want me to admit.” 

That is not what I needed to hear.
 
“Okay!”

“My point darling, I knew you would go.  You love him.  I see it in both your eyes.”  She looked back at me whereas I stayed tuned to Ian who was staring.  He could read my mom’s mind I was betting.  I knew he heard her now as he looked at me.  I stayed watching him for as long as he did before we both turned back to the listening ears. 

“I couldn’t let him walk away and not know.”  I looked at the picture on the wall of my dad and mom from their wedding day.  They were so young.  My mom had aged, but not as much as my dad.  I’d never noticed the difference.  But it wasn’t that much.  Like dad was ten years older or something, yet both looked younger than they should.  “And you couldn’t either, could you?”

“No, Grace.  I couldn’t.  I chose this life and wouldn’t want anything else.  But I knew who and what you would become.  I owed that to you as a choice for you to make alone.  It would’ve been selfish to hide you.  Besides, Ian and Pike would’ve found you.”

“And Kin!”

“Yes, Kinsler too.”

No need to contaminate the conversation with his name any longer.  Besides, if he is listening, we agreed no information would pass.  It had to look like a personal visit.  And it was.

“Mom, I can’t stay long.  I just wanted to make sure you know how much I miss you.”

My mom gave me one of those “mom and daughter” looks.  “Honey, will you come back when dad is here?”

She looked at Ian who was shaking his head no.  My mom already knew the answer. 

“It’s too dangerous, I know.” 

My mom was sad and this was killing me.   All the times I gave my mom a dirty look for stupid teenage stuff was causing a riff of emotion.  I’d wasted time not loving her the way she needed.  Teenagers should be better informed somehow about what their parents did for them.

“I love you!”

“I love you too!”

She reached to grab my arm, but I was quick and snatched back.  Mom reacted badly of course, showing all the coarse tears of a crestfallen mother who would only show her pride for me in the end.  No words were spoken, but mom knew why. 

“Let’s gather some things I have for you.  I knew you’d come back eventually.”

We walked up the stairs into my old room.  Across my mom’s lap sat a mahogany brown jewelry armoire the size of a pizza box.  It was covered in red velvet across the back inside and bottom too.  There were only two items lying inside.  My mom handed the box to Danella who stood in front of both of us and handed it to me.  It was new to my room, so I guessed it arrived after my departure.

“Take the gold one.  It was given to me at my wedding by your previous queen, Lazyra.  It is very powerful and fought back even the strongest of the Fey when I needed it most.  The silver leaf was given to you at your naming ceremony.  I’ve kept it for you.”