Texas_Winter (5 page)

"Dad said I can have a pony," she announced quickly, and Riley cringed as he caught Jack's questioning expression.

"It's her birthday in a few weeks," Riley said in his defense. Jack grinned and shook his head.
"We can get a pony. Do you ride, Hayley?" Jack asked quickly.
"I tried once at a fair."
"So riding lessons as well," Eden said seriously.
"I can do that," Jack offered, and Riley smiled with relief. He could ride, but Jack could
ride
.
"Shall we get your stuff put away, sweetie?" Donna asked.
"Do you want me to help?" Riley asked immediately, even though what he really wanted was to take a breath and think.
"Nah, we'll do it." Eden laughed, hooking her hand with Hayley and winking conspiratorially. "Girls' stuff. Though, if you two guys could bring in the bags…"

As soon as the bags were in Hayley's room, Riley slumped in his chair in the kitchen and buried his head in his hands on the table. He couldn't do this.

"You can do this," Jack said. Riley cursed his husband for knowing exactly what was going through his head. "There are just a few things you need to do. The lawyers say they need a DNA test on record."

Irritation bloomed inside Riley. "She's mine, Jack, even a complete stranger can see that."
"It's an official thing. Stops anyone from trying to put a claim on Hayley."
"Lexie's sister, Sarah, you mean."
Jack sighed and shuffled through the papers in front of him, pulling out the relevant page. "This is kind of sad reading. No parents, just a sister, Sarah. Sarah's married but has no kids. Couple of cousins and this great aunt, Sophie McGuire from Abilene, but as far as I can make out, it was Lexie and Hayley mostly on their own."
"Shit, Jack." Riley couldn't believe Lexie had chosen to isolate them away from him. Had she really hated him that much? Grief welled inside him at how much he had missed with Hayley. He was determined to fix it all. She had him and Jack and Eden, and God, all of Jack's extended family, and Sandra and Jim.
"Hayley has some money in an account," Jack continued, "her mom's account balances put into one. There's just over seven thousand dollars with some kind of deduction for lawyer fees and a burial."
"Those lawyers used Hayley's inheritance to bury her own momma?" Riley sat up, horrified, and Jack nodded.
"We can replace it for her," he said gently.
"Fucking leeches."
"I called Josh," Jack started, and Riley could have smacked himself. He'd forgotten Josh was a lawyer and therefore tacitly included in the leech analogy.
"I didn't mean Josh was a leech," he said quickly.
"I know you didn't." Jack brushed the words away with a quirk of his lips. "Anyway, he's coming over a bit later to check out all the papers and give us some advice."
"That's good." Riley pulled the pile of documents towards him and looked down at the jumble of legal words that swam on the paper. Jack cleared his throat in that I'vegot-something-to-tell-you way Riley had grown to hate.
"What else?" he asked. He decided he didn't really want to know as Jack couldn't exactly look him in the eyes. This was clearly something serious.
"There's not much else here. Except the birth certificate and um…"
"Um?"
"School transfer papers."
"Shit," Riley sat upright. "School. We need to get her to a school. Or do we have to get a private tutor? God Jack, what am I… What do normal parents do?"
Silence. Jack passed the school reports over. Riley glanced at them and certain words jumped right out at him. His kid—Hayley—well, she was bright.
"Okay, schools. She's eight. We can ask around about schools, and we can afford the best." He began pacing the small kitchen from scarred counter to oven and back again.
"We can worry about schooling later." Jack held out a hand to stop the pacing. "Let's just get Hayley settled."
"Riley?"
Eden's voice broke into his thoughts, and he looked up to see Hayley was standing at Eden's side and holding an envelope out to him. Eden's expression held a sadness he hadn't seen in a while, and Riley was instantly worried. What was wrong? Was there something wrong with Hayley? Jeez, he couldn't do this. He wasn't a dad. He was a grown man who had no experience with kids other than his brother's kids. The nanny looked after them. A nanny? Maybe he needed to get a nanny?
"Riley?" Eden's voice interrupted his musings, and he snapped back to the here and now. "Hayley says this letter is for you from a box of her mom's stuff," Eden explained.
He took the plain white envelope from his daughter carefully, like she was offering him a grenade. He pulled it into his chest.
"Mom said to tell you that you should read the letter," Hayley said as if from memory.
She subtly moved to stand at Riley's side, her small hand touching his arm. Riley turned in his chair to face Hayley. "She wrote letters to me too. Lots of them. She said it would make me understand."
"Oh, Hayley." Eden had a hand to her lips, blinking furiously as her eyes filled with tears.
"Mom said to give it to you when I found you. And I did. I found you," Hayley said simply.
She left Riley's side and pulled at Eden's hand, and together, the two girls moved into the hallway. Suddenly, Jack and Riley were very alone.
"You read it," Riley said instantly and slid the letter across the table. Jack pushed it back.
"It's yours, Riley."
"I can't."
"Take it outside and read it on your own." Riley started to interrupt, but Jack just kept talking. "I'll be here for when you want to talk, and I can go and help the girls. Okay?"
Riley was confused by Jack's words and by his reaction. Part of him wanted Jack to fix this for him like he fixed the rest of Riley's complicated life. The other part wondered why the hell this was happening to him, to Riley Hayes. Campbell-Hayes. Since when was he unable to at least face the shit his family landed him in?
"I'll be in the barn," he said tiredly, and only stopped his exit when Jack laid a hand on his arm.
"I'm here," his husband said, and for a second, he leaned in to Jack and bumped shoulders. It was enough touch to reassure him, and he felt braver for it.

Their barn.
The place where Riley and Jack had talked, come to terms with each other, and had some of the hottest sex Riley had ever known. Every beam, every wall held memories, and there was even a stash of supplies hidden in a wooden box in the corner. It was
their
place away from the house, and the empty barn felt safe and secure. Though it still smelled of hay and horses, it had an aura of recent disuse by anyone other than them. He settled himself in the corner near the box, his back against the wall and his long legs stretched out in front of him.
The letter sat on his lap, and for a while, he just stared at it. He tried to consider worst-case case scenarios, but the only one he could come up with was that somehow, in this letter, it was revealed Hayley wasn't his. He closed his eyes and sent a prayer up to whoever looked down on him that, just for once, he could be strong enough to take whatever he was told and not feel overwhelming guilt for his family's actions. Maybe there was an innocent reason. Lexie could have left without even knowing she was pregnant, and it might have nothing to do with him or his family.
Taking a deep breath, he slid a finger under the side of the seal and opened the envelope. Two pieces of notepaper fell out into his hand along with a bundle of photos tied with a ribbon and a tiny key and heart on a chain. He remembered the chain; it was something he had bought for Lexie as a Valentine's gift. She had loved it and worn it every day. He clenched a fist around it, and summoning every bit of strength and courage he had, he opened the letter to read. Handwritten in black pen with sloping, regular lines and looped g's, it was a simple and beautiful thing to look at. Smoothing the letter on his lap, he began to read. It wasn't a polished letter. The sentences were short, as if thoughts had just spilled onto the paper, but on the second page, emotion showed in a line not perfectly straight and sentences holding more feelings than actual thoughts.

Dear Riley,
There is so much I want to write here, but I know nothing I write will let you totally forgive me for what I did. So I go into this with a heavy heart. I should call you. Or visit. But I can't. This illness was aggressive, and it came so fast on me. The time for talk has passed. I've gone from someone with plenty of tomorrows to being too sick to think rationally.
There's one thing I need to write, and it's vital I get it out of the way first. In a way, it's the most important of everything. I have a sister, Hayley's Aunty Sarah, and I'm sure you're questioning why I didn't have her take custody of Hayley. It's important you make sure she never gets custody in any way over Hayley. It isn't Sarah I worry about, but her husband, who makes everyone's life hell. He's bad news. And if you do nothing else, then please promise me you will protect Hayley with your life. God, how melodramatic does that sound? My will states Hayley should be with her daddy, but I know things can go wrong.
I get this is a big thing to ask, but I think, when you get to know Hayley, you'll see how easy it is to love her.

I've had to go. I didn't want to. I don't want to. They don't give out time left anymore, but when I secretly read three months on my notes… Well, let's just say they seem to know what they are saying. It wasn't enough time to reconnect with you or to smooth the way as the treatments are kind of rough. I talked a lot to Hayley about you, though, so she knows.

Just to make it clear, Hayley is your daughter. There is no doubt about that, and I hope you believe me without needing tests or fighting it. She needs to know her daddy now, and you and your husband seem settled and happy. It will be good for her and for you I hope.

Hayley is a very special little girl. She's not quite you and not quite me, but a mix of us both. In fact, thinking back on your little sister, I think Hayley looks a lot like her. There are some photos with this letter for each of the years she was mine alone, and you will see what I mean.

I don't know you now or what kind of man you have really become. You won't believe this, but I loved you when we made Hayley, and this is the important thing I think. I read an article about a man starting ethical exploration, and he is
my
Riley, the one I saw when you thought I couldn't see inside you.

I told Hayley you live on a ranch with your husband, and she focused immediately on horses. She has always wanted a pony, but a secretary's wage doesn't really stretch that far. I know what you're like with your money but don't spoil her. For a quiet life, though, I think you should get her one. She is a very determined child, and I read that animals are good for helping with emotional problems. My guess is she's already asked you, and I know for a fact you won't be able to say no. She has this way of asking that breaks your heart sometimes.

I always talked about how I met you from the very moment she could understand. The lectures, the café, the gorgeous boy who swept me off my feet, even how tall you are and the color of your eyes. I've written letters to Hayley over the last few months, and I want her to get them as she grows up. I got the idea from a book I read, and I like the thought of her getting a letter before her prom, or for the first day of college. I deposited them at the bank, and all the details will be with the lawyer.

I told her everything but your name, but I was going to as soon as she asked when she was older. You were never a secret.

Keeping Hayley away from you wasn't a decision I made lightly. A father should know his children, and every day I wanted to tell you. I have no excuses other than I didn't ever want to lose her. I thought if you knew about her, then I might lose her. It was selfish, but I hope you can forgive me.

I know you are saying to yourself that we could have been a family, but it would never have worked, and I'm not sure we should have been. There would never be a place for me in your life. I was never going to be the person at your side. I could have tried to fit in but I would have ended up hating my life and you.

I didn't know I was pregnant until after I left. I promise you I didn't. Do you believe me?

I want what is best for Hayley, and I know that is you.
I tried hard to give Hayley good memories. It's your turn now.
Please.
Lexie xx

Did he believe she didn't know she was pregnant with his babe when she left? Did he believe Hayley was his daughter?

Of course he did. He believed Lexie. So yes.
God yes
. He would take his turn.
He re-read the letter, weighing accusation against truth and the past Riley against the person he was now. Indignation at the thought he couldn't have made a good dad at twenty was momentary. He didn't even have clear memories of his college years; most were edged with alcohol. Then after college, embroiled in the vitriol and hate that surrounded the family in the old Hayes mausoleum, what place would there have been for a child?
In a daze he clambered to stand, weaving in place at the head rush. He hated the pain in his heart that he hadn't been good enough for his child. Lexie was right. She'd always had this uncanny ability to see right through him, and his family would have destroyed her and a child. That was who they had been.
He needed to do what Lexie asked. Buy Hayley a pony but refrain from further spoiling Hayley with money and, most of all, love Hayley like his own.
The last part he thought would be very easy.

"Riley? Come to bed." Jack's voice echoed in the hallway.
"I can't. What if she wakes up and can't remember where she is? She could get upset."
"Her door is open, we'll hear." Jack gestured to the open bedroom door where Riley hovered.
"But our door is always shut," Riley was quick to point out.
"So we'll leave it open," Jack offered with a shrug.
"You'd do that?"
"It's a door."
"But…"
What about kissing and cuddling and the danger of someone walking in on them?
"But nothing. You're a dad now, Riley. Dad's leave the door open for their kids in case they're needed. Are you coming to bed?"
"In ten or so." Jack embraced him from behind, and Riley leaned back into the hold, turning his head to share a quick kiss.
When Jack had left, Riley couldn't move. He leaned against the doorjamb of his new daughter's room and stared in at the small shape under the covers. The drapes were pulled shut, and the only light into the room came from the dim bulb in the hall. Hayley hadn't even asked for a nightlight. Luke and Annabelle still slept with nightlights, maybe due to some huge psychological problem after losing their dad. Jeff may well have been his brother, but he was one hell of a shitty father.
Jesus. Who was to say he would be any better? He shared the same genes as Jeff, well, half of them anyway. Riley had too much of his natural father in him to ever be entirely like Jeff. That thought sent a snap of memory into his head.
"Shit." Jim and his mom. He stood upright and then waited to see if his muttered expletive woke Hayley. She didn't move, and in the blink of an eye, he was moving to his and Jack's room.
Jack was in bed. Leaning back against the carved headboard he had a copy of
Quarter Horse News
in his hand, and he looked up with a smile when Riley entered the room.
"She sleeping okay?" he asked.
Riley nodded, and then because he didn't know how else to word it, he simply said, "Mom and Jim. I need to tell them their son is a daddy. How the fuck am I going to do that?"
Jack simply passed him the phone. "Call them and invite them for breakfast," he said patiently. Riley held the handset tight and worried his lower lip with his teeth. "Riley?" Of course Jack would wonder why Riley was hesitating.
"How do I tell them? What will they think?"
"You are their son, and it will be an easy journey to acceptance for them."
Riley listened to Jack's words, contemplating the fact his husband had such a lyrical way with words. Sometimes Jack opened his mouth and the lazy drawl of cowboy came out; other times he said the most amazingly insightful things that just tied up all the indecision that plagued Riley and threw them in the trash. Riley often thought he was married to two different men. He loved both sides of Jack.
Jack wasn't reacting to this anywhere near the way Riley imagined he would. At dinner Jack had already been planning on which ranch to go to for the pony and had agreed to put up shelves for the two bags of books Hayley arrived with. If Jack could accept everything so easily, then what was stopping Riley from feeling like he could do this? And why the hell was he hesitating about how to tell Jim and his mom exactly? He should be able to handle this.
"Jim is going to kill me," Riley muttered. He had found out Jim Bailey was his real father when he needed a blood transfusion. Jim had always known he was Riley's father. They had made inroads into reconciling those two facts, but he still didn't call him Dad. Dad was still Gerald, a man Riley had hated. He couldn't associate the word Dad with Jim and the easy relationship they had. Dad was a meaningless word to Riley, and he wished he could get away from feeling like he was going to be no better at fathering than Gerald had been.
"He's not going to kill you."
"Mom too." Riley's relationship with his mom was stronger with every passing day, and he'd laid a lot of how he felt about her at Jim's feet. She had changed so much. Still Texas aristocracy, daily, she was softening at the edges a bit more. Jim made his mom happy, and she deserved that. Added to this, Jim was now officially courting Sandra, which kind of put Riley's world off balance. Okay, so he still wasn't calling Jim "Dad", but there'd been too much water under the bridge for Riley and Jim, and too much time had passed. Would it be the same for Hayley and him?
"I don't know what to say to them." Riley couldn't think of where to start to explain to Jack.
"How about 'Mom, Jim, I'm a dad, and I want you to meet my beautiful daughter, Hayley'." Jack obviously thought he was being helpful or Riley needed the mood lightened. Riley had to make Jack see what was in his head.
"Do you know," he began carefully, "when Jim was the HayesOil attorney, he had to deal with five separate paternity claims against me from three different women in the space of two years. Women I had never even met, let alone slept with." Riley sat down heavily on the bed next to Jack.
"Money breeds that kind of thing," Jack said in an offhand way.
Riley bristled at the accusation he heard in Jack's voice, and he rounded on his husband in an instant. "What?" he snapped, "me fucking around?"
"No, jeez, Riley, calm down. I meant people will do anything for money." Jack placed a hand on the base of Riley's spine and began a small circular motion, patiently letting Riley know he was there and supporting him. Riley sighed and leaned back slightly into the touch.
"None of them were true. To contact Jim now and admit I
am
actually a father…"
"I don't see what you… Wait, are you worried he'll be disappointed?"
"Yes." That was exactly what he was thinking would happen. Dad or not, Jim's respect meant an awful lot to Riley.
"Just tell him the truth. Lexie was the one that got away and you didn't know anything about Hayley." Jack made it sound so easy.
"Easier said than done," Riley muttered. Jack kept up with the gentle press of fingers on his back. Sighing, Riley connected to his mom's number, and she answered the call on the third ring.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Mom."
"Riley. Hello, darling. Is everything okay? It's late—"
"Would you and Jim come to breakfast tomorrow? There's something I'd like to talk to you both about." Well, it wasn't exactly "I'm a dad", but at least he had a time and a place set in his head for the big reveal. He was hiding behind Hayley. Jim and his mom couldn't be sorry for what happened or think less of Riley once they met the gorgeous child, their granddaughter. Could they?
"Of course we can. What's wrong? Is it Eden?" His mom sounded worried, and he heard the rumble of Jim's voice in the background.
"Riley?" Jim had clearly taken the phone from Sandra, and the use of his name held an urgent question. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just inviting my parents to breakfast."
"At midnight?" Jim sounded skeptical. Riley wasn't winning this one at all.
"Just try to get here by nine. I have something I need to tell you."
There was a brief pause at the other end of the line, then Jim said, "Okay, son, we'll be there."
"Nine?"
"Nine."
Riley ended the call and breathed a sigh of relief. At least he had a reprieve of nine hours and the chance for sleep. He climbed into bed then pulled the magazine from Jack's hands but didn't then lean into kiss or initiate anything. He just needed sleep, and he needed to know Jack was there. Jack seemed to get the message and leaned over to turn out the light. Riley sighed and pulled Jack close for a hug, but sleep eluded him even as Jack's breathing changed to the rhythm of slumber. He tried relaxing each muscle in turn, inhaling his husband's scent and the cool Texas air, but it was a long time until sleep finally chased him down.
Sleep didn't last long.