The Birds and the Bees (22 page)

When the party was at last over, Stevie and Danny went down to Blockbusters and got out the
Crocodile Dundee
trilogy and a big bag of popcorn. They transformed the lounge of Humbleby Cottage into a cinema, closing the blinds and diverting the sound through the surround speakers. Then they snuggled up on the sofa with the popcorn and Cola. Really, it was a lovely hot day and it was a shame to be inside, but today, Stevie didn’t want to see the sunshine. She didn’t want to know that she would have been
outside the church bathed in it now, having her photographs taken, laughing and being beautiful and throwing her bouquet. Neither did she want to think that tomorrow she and MacLean were going to tail the faithless exes in a hired anonymous car, like Starsky and Hutch, in a bid to win them back.
Who was she kidding?
Matthew and Jo hadn’t taken their bait, it was useless. A tsunami of despair engulfed her and dragged away her last remaining hope with its massive ebb.

‘Are you okay, Mummy?’ asked Danny, holding up a nub of popcorn near her lips.

‘I’m fine, love. I think I’m just getting a bit of a cold,’ she sniffed.

‘You’ve got cry all over your cheek.’ Danny’s little hand came out to wipe away the escaping tears that threatened to flow so fast that she would be dissolved by them. It would have been so easy to collapse into them but she didn’t want her little boy to see her as a weak, blubbering mess when she was supposed to be the strong one. Sometimes it was so hard to keep it together, though. Sometimes she just wanted to let go, surrender her power to someone else who would look after her, deal with things and make everything all right. But that was a luxury she was not afforded, so, with a monumental effort she managed to rein her tears in, just as there was a knock on the door.
Oh no, no, no!
She didn’t want to see anyone. Maybe she could pretend she wasn’t in.
Boom boom boom
. Whoever it was knocked again more insistently, and there was only one person who did knock like that. And she didn’t want to see him more than she didn’t want to see anyone else.

BOOM BOOM BOOM
!

He’d break the damn door down if he carried on, the loud insensitive swine.

‘Stay there, pet, I’ll be back in a minute,’ Stevie said, closing the lounge door behind her before opening the outside one. If it was who she thought it was, Danny must not see him under any circumstances. Unfortunately for her, it was.

Adam MacLean was standing there on the doorstep in his smart work clothes: a white shirt and a blue tie with a WL motif on it.

‘Hellooo,’ he said, sounding quite contrite for him. Jeez, she looks terrible, he thought.

‘Hello,’ she said coldly, the bloodshot shining eyes betraying her air of composure.

‘I…er…came to say I’m sorry for sounding a wee bit aff.’

‘Oh right,’ she said. He seemed a bit taken aback that she didn’t seize on the opportunity to say that he’d never sounded anything other than ‘aff’ and not thought to apologize for it before. There looked to be little fight left in her.

It was over.

‘Adam, this isn’t working,’ she started to say.

Then time stood still. The world stopped revolving for five seconds but it was just enough to allow her to catch her breath and decide how best to capitalize on this gift of a perfect moment. For there across the lane, Matthew Finch was perfectly framed in the window. He was looking at her. And Adam’s car. And Adam himself. On her doorstep. Smart in a shirt and tie.

Now or never!

Stevie arranged her tired features into a smile that twisted as sexily as she could at one side, then she reached forward for Adam’s tie, reeling him slowly in, and down, and then kissed him gently on the mouth.

Adam didn’t resist. There was only one reason she had just done that and it wasn’t because apologetic butt-ugly Scotsmen turned her on.

‘They’re watching, aren’t they?’ he whispered loudly.

‘You don’t think I’m doing this for fun, do you?’ she confirmed through gritted teeth. He pushed her inside the house as if he was eager to get her alone for questionable reasons and they slammed the door together and stood behind it, each of them wiping at their lips with the back of their hands like three year olds that had experienced their first kiss and were thinking,
I’m
NEVER
doing that again
.

‘Aw this planning and the chance just falls into our laps,’ said Adam, fighting back the desire to whoop around the kitchen. For one horrible moment there, he had nearly been in danger of hugging her.

‘I know, I know,’ said Stevie quietly because her heart was pumping so fast it wasn’t letting her breathe properly. Had she had more air in her lungs, she would have danced with him, leapt on him, hugged him,
yes him
. Then Danny appeared in the doorway with his collar sucked up into his mouth and freeze-framed because there was a giant in the room who looked like a ginger Mr Incredible. Far from being scarred for life at the sight of MacLean, Danny’s only comment, after letting the soggy collar drop from his mouth was, ‘Hi.’

‘Hi there,’ said Adam, waving awkwardly.

‘Who are you?’

‘Oh God!’ began Stevie, but Adam dropped to his haunches.

‘I’m Well Life Man,’ he said. ‘See?’ And he showed off the letters on his tie. ‘I just dropped by on a mission to ask all people who work at home to come and be fit, but shhhh, you haven’t seen me, okay? If anyone asks, I’m Adam MacLean. Like Superman is Clark Kent, understand?’

‘Cool!’ said Danny, nodding. Yes, he knew exactly what he meant.

Well, he couldn’t have picked a better persona than a Superhero to ingratiate himself with my son, Stevie thought. She was observing exploitation at its best. That’s what his handle should have been: ‘Manipulatorman’.

‘Danny, go and watch Dundee and let me and Mr…Well Life talk about…er…having a coffee.’

‘Okay,’ said Danny, grinning.
Wow, a secret Superhero in the kitchen. Cool!
‘You’re not going yet are you?’

‘No, I’ll say goodbye before I go,’ said Adam, waving again and raising his best ‘shushing’ finger. Then, when Danny had gone, he crossed the window to steal a quick look across at Matthew’s house.

‘He’s still there,’ he said, smiling over at Stevie, as if he was saying something suggestive instead. ‘Quick, come here.’

She came there as requested, but she didn’t expect him to enclose her in a great big embrace and tip her back Hollywood snog-style.

‘Right, you can get off me now,’ said Stevie eventually.

‘Bit longer, we’re still being looked at.’

‘Both of them?’

‘Can’t tell. I’ll pretend to kiss you. Put your hands in my hair.’

He brought his cheek close to hers, she started stroking his hair. They would have looked magnificent in profile, very
Gone with the Wind
.

‘Right, he’s moved away,’ said Adam, letting her drop ungraciously to the floor.

‘Ow!’

‘Oops, sorry.’ He extended a hand and helped her up.

‘There obviously isn’t a word for chivalry in Gaelic then.’

‘Look, lady…’ He nipped off what he was going to say because he didn’t want to add any more grief to her day. She had probably had enough of a bad one and he hadn’t helped.

He had been at work checking on the CCTV camera when the little boy had been sick, then recognized the woman rushing towards him–the one with the ex-candy-floss hair. He had moved the camera around, aware that he was looking for
her
. Sure enough, there she was, sitting alone, out of the way. He focused in on her face, saw how unhappy she looked. Some dickhead was throwing balloons at her, insensitive to her annoyance, actually relishing in it. Adam got on with some work, then switched on again soon afterwards to find the dickhead was still annoying her. Then he had checked again later and saw her walk out of the function room. He watched the man dump his
beer and follow her out and then, obviously in a professional vein, Adam had felt obliged to find out what was going on in person.

When he found her cornered in the corridor, she looked so utterly defeated and helpless, and something flagged up in his subconscious that today was the wedding day that never was. He didn’t know why he had been so hard on her outside the loo, when it quite obviously wasn’t her fault. He had wanted to stride in and rescue her from that slimy little man, but something had twisted inside him and he had ended up accusing her of causing it all. He hadn’t liked seeing her so vulnerable and it confused him. Her pale little face had haunted him all afternoon and he knew he wouldn’t have slept, had he not driven over to see if she was okay. It was the right thing to do after he had behaved so rudely.

‘Is Well Life Man staying for tea?’ said Danny, appearing round-eyed with fascination in the doorway again.

The two grown-ups looked at each other. Stevie’s thoughts had never been so perfectly at war. On the ‘No’ side was:

• 1) this was Adam MacLean
  
• 2) she didn’t want Danny getting confused
  
• 3) she didn’t want Danny getting eaten
  

But on the ‘Yes’ side was:

• 1) Adam needed to be there at least another hour for maximum effect
  
• 2) the damage had been done–he and Danny had met
  
• 3) Danny appeared to remain psychologically intact
  
• 4) she was doing all this for Danny as much as for herself
  

The argument was clearly won.

‘We’re going to have fish and chips!’ said Danny.

‘Ooh, one of my three hundred favourites!’ said Adam, rubbing his hands together.

It looked as if he was staying then.

‘Cool,’ said Danny, stroking Adam’s tie as if it was as precious as a national treasure. ‘I love Superheroes, you know.’

‘Is that what you’re going tae be then, when you grow up? A Superhero?’

‘No,’ said Danny, as if that was the most stupid question in the world. ‘I already
am
a superhero. I’m
going
to be a window cleaner.’

‘Oh I see.’ Adam suppressed a grin. ‘So, have you got a name, fellow Superhero?’

‘I’m Dannyman.’

‘Glad to meet you, Dannyman,’ said Adam, holding out his hand. Danny’s little mitt was swallowed up in it.

‘So when did you last save the universe then?’ said Adam.

‘Thursday,’ said Danny, and off he trotted to watch the rest of
Crocodile Dundee
.

Matthew stood at the window and tried to process the information his eyes were sending to his brain. Stevie with a man. Not just any man. A huge ginger man. And not just any huge, ginger man.
Him
. She had pulled his head down towards her with his tie. So it wasn’t a casual call then. How bloody long had
that
been going on? Matthew asked himself. This was supposed to be their wedding day and she was snogging MacLean! His brain was busy speed-reading the events of the past few weeks for any enlightening information. The irony of his thought processes was lost on him.

So that’s how Stevie got hold of Jo’s Visa bill
…That mysterious connection had been bugging a back part of his brain since it happened. He moved closer to the window. The scene being played out in front of him raised a hell of a lot more questions than it answered.

He had been waiting to see something bizarre from MacLean and Stevie. Her ultra-cool reaction to being rejected hadn’t been normal, but he didn’t expect
this
! Was this why his leaving had seemed to cause such little interruption to her life then? Had they embarked on their affair
first?
Stevie and MacLean?
NO
!
HOW
?
Is that why they were dancing together so clumsily at Pam and Will’s wedding–double-bluffing to throw him off the scent? There were so many question and exclamation marks bombarding him, he thought his brain might go into punctuation overload and pop out of his head like a jack-in-a-box. Then, just as he thought it might be a hallucination, there they were engaged in Part II by canoodling in the window–and not right next to the window, as if they were showing off to a would-be audience either, but back from it, lost in each other. It couldn’t be! They weren’t a match. She was what–five foot two–and he was the bloody BFG! Well, a BVG–a Big Violent Giant! Although they had looked pretty matched up, snogging like that. Too much so for comfort.

Matthew was shocked, puzzled, confused, bewildered. Matthew felt like he had just been punched in the stomach.

‘Sorry, it’ll just be fish and chips,’ said Stevie. ‘I haven’t been shopping these past few days, I’ve been a bit…preoccupied.’

‘It would be better if you went for the fish and chips,’ said Adam. ‘It looks then as if I’m already established in the house.’

‘Okay,’ said Stevie, seeing the sense in that. ‘Danny, get your shoes on, pet.’

‘Aw, Mummy, can’t I stay here with Well Life Man?’

‘No, of course not,’ said Stevie.

‘Pleee-ease!’

‘He’s okay,’ said Adam, not immediately seeing the problem. ‘We can talk about hero stuff.’

‘Cool!’

‘I don’t want my son used as a tactic, Mr…Adam,’ said Stevie quietly near his ear. Well, three foot beneath it, which was as close as she could get without stilts.

‘He won’t be. If the wee guy disnae want to go, I’ll look after him till ye get back. I don’t mind at all.’

‘Absolutely no way. No chance. Impossible.’

Stevie shook her head again and in such a way that it switched on a three-million watt light bulb in Adam’s head.

‘You think I might hurt him, is that it?’

‘Well, I don’t know you all that well, do I, to leave my child in your capable or incapable hands?’

‘Surely you wouldn’t think that your child isn’t safe with me?’ MacLean looked genuinely taken aback, as if she really had hit him where it hurt.

No, she didn’t think that at all, really. Ignoring the fact that he looked like a primitive heavyweight boxer-cum-maniac-savage, in her heart of hearts Stevie didn’t think Adam MacLean would hurt her child. Even if he could duff up a duplicitous adult bitch in the comfort of their own home.

‘Please, Mummy!’

‘Here, take this,’ said Adam, stretching a ten-pound note out to her.

‘Don’t be silly,’ said Stevie, pushing it back. ‘I owe you one for helping me out earlier anyway.’

Adam ignored her and stuffed it in her handbag whilst she was preoccupied with calming down her son.

‘Please, Mummmeee!’ whined Danny.

‘No, you come with me.’

‘Awww!’ Danny’s face creased up and threatened tears, but Stevie did not give an inch.

‘Look, Superheroes need er…privacy to set the table. We’ll only be five minutes. Come on, get your shoes on.’

‘Please, Mummy!’ With the non-negotiable obstinacy of a four year old, Danny was not going anywhere.

‘C’moan, leave him, you’ll only be five minutes,’ said Adam.

Danny turned on his most charming blue-eyed smile. Stevie knew when she was beaten.

‘I’ll be less than five minutes,’ she said, making it sound more like a warning than a statement of fact.

Her boy would be okay. Her maternal instinct had no doubts on that score. But still, she ran up the road like a hungry Linford Christie.

Across the road, Matthew had just about shut his jaw when he saw Stevie come out of the house, on her own. That meant she had left Danny and MacLean alone together.
She would do that? After all she knew about him?
Then again, it hadn’t stopped her snogging him, had it? Or worse. My God, he was a true charmer, that much was true, and Stevie must be very vulnerable at the moment, especially today, the perfect time for such a manipulator to take full advantage of her. Matt felt a huge pull to go over there and check everything was all right. He really would never forgive himself if MacLean hurt Stevie too. Or Danny.

‘What are you looking at, babe?’ called Jo from the sofa, where she was painting her toenails.

‘Er…nothing, darling.’

It crossed his mind to tell Jo her ex had just been snogging his ex, but he couldn’t gauge what her reaction would be. Recently her selfless, caring consideration for Stevie’s welfare had segued into jealous sulks every time her name came up. So Matthew kept to the safe path, buttoned his lip and came away from the window. He didn’t want to spoil this lovely weekend they were having, although a letter from the bank to inform him that his loan payment had bounced had rather done that already.
Could he please rectify the situation immediately?
Oh, and he had been charged fifty quid for the letter.

There was a queue at the chip shop as a fresh batch of fish had only just gone in. The shop-owner made a joke about it, and though Stevie smiled politely, she didn’t find it in the least bit amusing. Her nerves were as tight as harp-strings.

I shouldn’t have left him with MacLean, she thought after foot-tapping in the queue for what felt like an eternity. She was on the verge of exiting empty-handed when the chip man eventually said, ‘Right now, love, what can I get you?’

She ran back with the warm parcel in her hands, her head playing the most awful tricks on her.
Danny and MacLean alone together!
What sort of mother was she? To make it worse, she could hear sounds of distress that grew louder the nearer she got to the cottage. They weren’t in her over-active imagination either–her boy really was screaming.

Stevie sprinted to the door and threw it open to find
Danny squealing and MacLean attacking him. She threw down the parcel on the nearby dining table and launched herself at MacLean, climbing fearlessly on his back and trying to get a grip on his cropped hair. Failing, she started clobbering him with her handbag instead.

‘Get off my son, you animal!’ she screeched.

‘Ow!’ said Adam, the one word recognizable amongst the guttural exclamations of pain.

‘Mummy, what are you doing!’ said Danny, watching her in a most unharmed way.

Stevie stopped mid-batter. ‘Are you okay, love?’

‘Yes, Adam was showing me some Well Life Man Superhero moves.’

Stevie slid down off Adam’s back. ‘Sorry,’ she said meekly, ‘I thought…’

‘S’okay,’ said Adam, rubbing his head and wincing. ‘It’s just a bit of jujitsu. It means “the gentle art”. Maybe you should come tae a few classes. That’s a heavy wee bag ye’ve got there.’

Stevie didn’t mean to burst into laughter, but then it was a very odd day. The sort of day, in fact, that made the Big Dipper at Blackpool look like a baby ride. Adam’s laugh joined hers, and then they both stopped abruptly. That was twice they’d shared laughter now; it was in danger of becoming a habit.

Adam arranged the fish on the plates and fish bits for Danny, whilst Stevie shared the chips out.

‘No chips for you, Dannyman?’ said Adam.

‘I don’t like chips,’ said Danny.

‘Wannae try some of mine? Potatoes are really good for
you, you know. They teach you that at Superhero School. Carbohydrates–give you energy. Isn’t that right, Mammy?’

‘Erm…yes,’ agreed Stevie.

Danny’s face registered total amazement. ‘Really?’

There and then, the little boy rediscovered a fondness for the potato.

‘She’s been for fish and chips,’ said Matthew. He had unconsciously gravitated back to the window and become so engrossed in what he was witnessing that he hardly realized he was thinking aloud. Stevie was running back to the house as if the devil was on her heels–
as if she couldn’t keep away from him
–which annoyed Matthew even further. ‘So he’s eating there…’

‘Who is eating where?’ said Jo. Realization dawned on her face and soured her smiling expression. ‘Oh I get it, you’re spying on
her
. Why? Why are you so interested in her all the time?’

‘I’m not. Nothing could be further from my mind. Just thinking something through for work. Just looking into thin air, not over there. Pah!’ said Matthew, desperately trying to head off an argument. Not wanting her to see MacLean’s car, he whizzed the curtains shut. ‘Look, that’s how much I care about
her
. Let’s go into the garden, my love. Shall we open a bottle of wine? I think I could do with a glass.’

‘Yes, that would be nice,’ said Jo, uncurling her lip. ‘Oh that reminds me–do you think ordinary champagne or vintage for the wedding toast?’

‘Er, let me think about that one,’ said Matthew, and
reached for the last remaining bottle of Chablis in his once impressively-sized wine cache.

‘So what was going on at the party then, with that idiot?’ said Adam, helping Stevie to clear the table as Danny took an Alp of ice cream into the lounge.

‘Oh, he’s one of the dads,’ Stevie started to explain. ‘Once upon a time he found out that I can’t stand loud noises–party poppers, crackers….’

‘Tyres squealing…’

‘Precisely, and I hate–
loathe
–balloons. So he thinks it’s hilarious to torment me with them every time he sees me.’

‘Could you no’ tell him to bugger aff?’

‘I don’t want to cause trouble,’ said Stevie. ‘I can live with it. It was just that today he stepped over the mark. Said something a bit offensive.’

‘Whit?’

‘Oh nothing. It’s probably just me over-reacting.’

‘No, c’moan, whit was it?’

‘No, really I can’t, it’s embarrassing.’

‘C’moan, tell me!’

Stevie pulled in a deep breath and told him.

‘
Whit
? Cheeky swine!’ said Adam. He felt offended and angry for her. Why were some blokes such pigs? If he’d known that, he’d have…he’d have…

‘I would have batted it away, but today being today, well, it didn’t help, I suppose,’ Stevie went on, forcing out a smile.

‘Was it your…er…today?’ Adam struggled and coughed over the key words.

‘Yes,’ said Stevie, quickly changing the subject. ‘Anyway, coffee?’

‘Aye, please.’

She put the box of chocolates on the table that Crystal had sent her after reading the Paris and Brandon manuscript. She had loved it, apparently.

‘Oooh, choccies! And very expensive choccies tae!’ said Adam with delight, and aimed for a knobbly-looking nut one.

‘Present from my boss,’ said Stevie.

‘So what do you do again?’

‘Not telling.’

‘Oh come on, spill the beans. It cannae be that bad.’

She opened her mouth to tell him, then recalled that look he had given her book. It had been one of
Midnight Moon
’s bestsellers too. No, she wouldn’t tell him. There were only so many batterings her ego could take at the moment.

‘Have as many chocs as you like. An extra sorry for trying to scalp you,’ said Stevie, putting a cafetière on the table.

‘No real damage done, so far as I can tell. I’ve a heid like a coconut,’ he said with a twinkle and rapped on it with his knuckle. ‘That smells nice–what sort of coffee’s that?’

‘Madagascan vanilla. I get it from the coffee shop in Town End, where they sell all the gorgeous puddings. I’ve a spare packet if you want to take it home with you. I always go a bit mad in the shop and overbuy.’

‘Thanks, that would be very nice,’ said Adam, watching as Stevie crossed to the cupboard. Then he snatched his
eyes away, suspecting he might have actually been on the verge of assessing her in a boy-girl way.

‘What flavour do you want?’ Stevie started to read the labels. ‘Vanilla, Irish Liqueur, Maple Syrup and Walnut…er…Death by Chocolate?’

‘Oh, Death by Chocolate definitely.’

No surprise there then
.

Stevie handed it over to him. ‘It’ll make your house smell like a cake shop, that one.’

‘I’m no’ bothered aboot the house,’ said Adam quietly. ‘I don’t want to be in there without Jo really, and there are just too many reminders of her around. If she doesn’t come back, I’ll sell it.’

‘Where would you go?’

‘I’d have to stay around the area for my job. I like it here, we made friends–you know, people like Will.’

‘He married my friend Catherine’s cousin.’

‘Aye, so I gathered. He’s a great guy. For a Lowlander.’

They sat in contemplative silence for a moment, both realizing that they might actually have to start making alternative plans for their lives soon, if Jo and Matthew didn’t come back to them. Adam was going to move, it seemed. What would Stevie do? Where would she go?

Adam took the initiative and poured the coffee before it climbed out of the cafetière itself.

‘I don’t think we need the hired-car adventure tomorrow now, do you?’ he said, as he was halfway down his drink.