The Book of Bloke (2 page)

Bootsniffers can be distinguished by their tribal markings, loud call and extreme aggression, and, if spotted during football season, should not be approached, as the most seemingly innocuous turn of events can set off a ferocious attack. One should especially never agree to attend a game with a Bootsniffer, or even to watch one on television, as on 50% of such occasions there will be an act of violence.

The
Exhauster
is a breed of Bogan who has a lot in common with the Bootsniffer – in fact, the two subspecies’ herds often co-mingle with each other, and many of the Exhauster’s habits are also identifiable in the Bootsniffer. However, although these Bogans can also be found drinking and roaring at sporting events, and their emotional state is likewise fragile and entirely dependent on external events, there is a crucial difference between the two, in that the Exhauster’s passions are directed more towards machinery than athletic endeavour.

Although they, too, will gather on occasion to collectively urge cars to crash, the Exhauster is on the whole a less pack-oriented variety of Bogan, spending much of his time alone or in smaller groups, engaging in long and intense discussions on the merits of different vehicles and occasionally sliding underneath them. The purpose of these actions is unclear, although it seems to have something to do with making the vehicles go faster, or, in many cases, at all. Indeed, one of the Exhauster’s more curious habits lies in his nesting behaviour: he will bring back to his home numerous cars and pieces of cars and scatter them around the house and yard, where they will sit, forming a sort of large avant-garde sculpture, until the day when, by pure chance, the Exhauster finds a way to make them operational, or else he moves away and the new occupants are forced to pay someone to remove them.

One of the truly unique features of the Exhauster as compared to other Bogans is a cultural quirk which leads them to fervently believe that one major multinational automotive corporation is inherently superior to another. Opinion is divided regarding how this got started, although recently discovered documents dating from the seventeenth century have been suggested by some to be evidence of early Exhauster culture, in which an anonymous author declares the East India Company to be ‘poofters’.  Certainly, the eternal struggle between the cults of Ford and Holden provide a focal point around which the social and family lives of Exhausters revolve, without which their community might well fragment and collapse, or start following Ferraris or something.

The Exhauster is also notable for his unusual mating dance, which involves parading himself in front of female Bogans to demonstrate how ineffective his muffler is. Some Boganologists have speculated that Exhausters, unique among Bogans, actually prefer to mate
with
their cars, and much time and expense has been devoted to persuading a Bogan and a car to mate in captivity. One research group in Adelaide recently claimed success, but has yet to publicly release evidence of the alleged offspring, what they are calling a ‘Bocar’, which has been described in informal reports as a large, slow-moving, and infertile mammal, with the head and mullet of a Bogan, but the torso of a Ford Fiesta.

A subspecies of the Exhauster is the Bi-Tyre Exhauster, or Wheelie. These Exhausters travel on two-wheeled rather than four-wheeled vehicles, and dwell in large social groupings. Notable for their long, luxuriant coats and hard outer shells, the Wheelie is fiercely protective of his territory and will fight ferociously if anyone tries to encroach upon it, or steal his pill press. Exhausters are sometimes pilloried for their aggressive nature and pornographic magazines, but are widely acknowledged to have the coolest soundtrack of all Bogans.

Closely related to both the Bootsniffer and the Exhauster, to the point where they can be indistinguishable to the untrained eye, is the
Guzzler
. The difficulty in distinguishing the Guzzler from other subspecies lies not only in his similar appearance – the Guzzler frequently assumes such trappings as the Bootsniffer’s scarf and jersey, or the Exhauster’s T-shirt and windcheater – but can also be attributed to the Guzzler’s habit of infiltrating other groups of Bogans, cuckoo-style, under the pretence of being one of them. Further exacerbating this problem, all Bogans will at some time adopt elements of Guzzler behaviour. The Guzzler sets himself apart from the average hard-drinking Bogan; however, due to his single-minded obsession with devoting his life to all that alcohol has to offer. There is nothing social or casual about the Guzzler’s drinking: he drinks seriously, systematically, and with an admirable level of commitment and discipline. Forever looking for new ways to deliver the alcohol into his system, from beer bongs, to yard glasses, to – if necessary – intravenous drips, the Guzzler finds his bliss early in life, and continues the infatuation until death, which is naturally not always that far away.

Although it can, as mentioned, be difficult to pick out a Guzzler from other Bogan varieties, the rule of thumb is: when you see a Bogan drinking, go away for six hours, then come back – if he’s still drinking, he’s probably a Guzzler. If he’s unconscious and/or deceased, it’s admittedly kind of a grey area – Guzzlers do have a higher tolerance for alcohol than other Bogans, but they also drink harder and faster than others, and passing out is, as a rule, their express purpose.

Ironically, few Guzzlers have any idea what any alcoholic beverage actually tastes like, but this will not prevent them engaging in long, almost scholarly discussions with other Guzzlers over the competing merits of different brands of beer that are absolutely identical, not only to non-Guzzlers, but to advanced scientific equipment.

Guzzlers enjoy all the usual Bogan pursuits – sport, cars, breasts – but typically only use them as an excuse to get some more beer in.

Although the aforesaid Bogans are quite similar in appearance and behaviour, the
Wave-Snipe
is a very different kettle of fish. Having at some point diverged from the main Bogan community, migrating in an attempt to return to humanity’s aquatic origins, this exotic Bogan inhabits coastal areas, and has evolved an appearance distinctive from his Bogan relations. Where suburban Bogans tend to be coloured in dark tones, with black T-shirts and jeans and dark, tangled shags of hair, the Wave-Snipe adorns himself in brighter, more colourful array, opting for tropical patterns and beach motifs, the better to camouflage himself among the decorative walls of the local surf club. In addition, the Wave-Snipe will generally have a mop of fine, sandy-coloured hair, and will spend as much time as possible shirtless, in stark contrast to the familiar Westie Bogan, who prefers to keep chest and stomach covered, and with good reason.

Therein lies the biggest difference between the Wave-Snipe and his land-bound brethren: the former’s inexplicably high level of physical fitness. The Wave-Snipe could even be mistaken for a Bloke’s Bloke, were it not for his firm commitment to the principles of sloth and intolerance. Indeed, in their xenophobia and alcoholism, the Wave-Snipe puts many other Bogans to shame, the only real difference being that they practise these cultural pursuits in a picturesque beach setting, rather than behind a 7-Eleven. This can be seen to manifest itself in a variety of other ways as well: where an Exhauster, for instance, might spend hours considering the correct choice of oil filter, the Wave-Snipe might do the same with wax. Where the Bootsniffer might obsessively read the sports pages, the Wave-Snipe might obsessively read surfing magazines, which are like real magazines only with photos of people making splashes, instead of actual stories. Where a Guzzler might drink till he collapses on the pub floor, a Wave-Snipe will drink until he falls over in the surf and drowns. And so forth.

Then there is the matter of their appearance: the Wave-Snipe holds a very large advantage over other Bogans, in that he is sexually attractive to non-Bogan members of the opposite sex, mainly because he has the abdominal muscles and tan to appear like a non-Bogan himself. Often the partners of Wave-Snipes don’t even realise they’ve thrown in their lot with a Bogan, until the day their new man wraps himself in an Australian flag and heads to the streets with a slab of VB balanced on his head. The revelation is frequently traumatic.

However, despite the potential lurking within every Wave-Snipe to get drunk and roam about punching people in the head until they promise not to come back to the beach, this is an essentially peace-loving Bogan who would rather be riding a wave than starting a fight, and who likes nothing more than watching the sun go down over the ocean while downing his fifteenth beer and contemplating the meaning of life, which has something to do with beer and surfboards.

A very different, but some might say even more exotic variety of Bogan is the
Mussel
, a subspecies that experts believe split in the relatively recent past from the Exhauster branch of the family, given its similar obsession with all things automotive. The typical Mussel can spend just as much time as an Exhauster on his car, and takes pride in having the most pimped-out, highly polished, subwoofer-laden machine possible. But in that very car will lie a clue to the difference between a Mussel and other Bogans, because while the classic Bogan will cruise the streets, 80s pub-rock blaring through his windows, the Mussel is more likely to be pumping out heavy hip-hop beats in an effort to stake out his territory. The Mussel doesn’t, to be frank, care much for music, but will always strive for enough bass to make the car next to him shudder.

The Mussel is not always recognised as a true Bogan, and many Mussels will themselves deny they
are
Bogans, considering themselves to be far too sophisticated for such a label. However, although a Mussel is more likely to sport a slick, heavily gelled coiffure than a luxuriant mullet, and a tight, pec-displaying T-shirt rather than a baggy Bon Jovi souvenir, his Bogan antecedents are evident in his behaviour. For just like any self-respecting Bogan, the Mussel can be seen on any given weekend venturing into the city, where he will drink, dance, and fight with bouncers. The main difference is that he is a better dancer: your average Bogan will hit the dance floor with a sort of awkward, apologetic half-spasm, whereas the Mussel will prance with extreme confidence in his moves and the carefully arranged bulge in his jeans. Similarly, the Mussel trumps his cousins in his confidence with the opposite sex, boldly approaching the female of the species in a manner quite alien to, for example, the Bootsniffer’s baffled stammer, and not letting the constant rejection get him down in the manner of the common Guzzler. A true ladies’ man, the Mussel will always operate via the law of averages: the more women he rubs up against, the greater the chance one of them won’t throw a wine cooler in his face.

Despite these superficial differences between the social habits of the Mussel and other Bogans, however, their night will invariably end the same way: with blood, vomit and unconsciousness in the grand Bogan tradition.

Like all Bogans, the Mussel feeds mostly on a sense that someone is out to get him. For the Mussel, this includes other Bogans, and so there is frequently tension between the Mussel and traditional Bogan communities, neither of which recognises the essential brotherhood that exists between them. Indeed, each often sees the other as a wanker, a disappointing state of affairs that has up to now prevented Bogans from uniting and taking over society.

Although the Bogan is commonly seen as a creature of the lower socio-economic strata, the
Cubbie
, or Nouveau Bougaine, is a perfect example of this hardy Bloke’s innate upward mobility. A Bogan who has parlayed his natural ingenuity and ambition into financial success, the Cubbie in many ways grants us the greatest insight into the Bogan psyche, as his cashed-up status allows him to make real all his deepest desires, and thereby show the world what Bogan dreams are made of.

It turns out that what Bogans dream of mostly is massive houses and four-wheel drives. The houses, known as ‘McMansions’ due to their size and strong smell of processed cheese, are generally designed in what architects call the ‘Neo-Ikea’ style and furnished with various modern appliances and Bogan artefacts, such as Xboxes, Ab-Masters, and paintings of racing cars that light up. They will also be adorned with bright and cheerful Christmas decorations, including electric reindeer and inflatable Santas, for up to eight months of the year.

The style of McMansion will of course vary depending on the origins of the Cubbie in question. A Cubbie who used to be a Mussel, for example, is likely to include Mediterranean touches and unlikely to have any lawns, while a former Guzzler will have a bar in the garage and several points of damaged brickwork where the car’s been driven into the house.

The four-wheel drives are selected especially for their grunt and horsepower, travelling up to four-and-a-half kilometres on a single tank of petrol, and providing the sort of rugged off-road capabilities that make all the difference when dropping kids off at school or heading down the pokies.

Where Cubbies get their money is a fertile area of study for Bogan experts. Although nothing can be conclusively proven, it is believed most Cubbies are entrepreneurs, building up business empires in traditional Bogan industries such as Avon, Tupperware, and, at the high end, Jim’s Dog Wash. However, many Cubbies also gain riches via the modern Bogan economy, which mainly revolves around amphetamines and home-brew.

No matter how a Cubbie earns his dough, though, most of them will be generous with their fortune, giving back to the Bogan community through the provision of vital infrastructure – for example, flagpoles and swimming pools that you can come over and use any time you like.

Although a Cubbie who lets his wealth go to his head and gets ideas above his station runs the risk of becoming a wanker – or even worse, a Leftite – the Bogan mind-set tends towards an earthy, grounded attitude to life, and most Cubbies retain their simple, homespun Bogan ways. Because of this, many McMansions, despite their impressively garish façades, will still feature typically Bogan flourishes such as the tarpaulin stretched over the paved area, the homemade backyard chicken coop, and the demented three-legged pit bull who barks for six hours non-stop every night.