The Boy Who Knew Me When (From Boys to men Trilogy) (10 page)

Psychiatrist? Were things still so hard on her that she needed that kind of help? Suddenly I felt the need to set the record straight.

“Brea, she isn’t my fiancée. Heather and I broke up months ago after I found her in bed with another guy; she just cannot seem to understand that I am no way in hell interested in her anymore.”

She rested her hand briefly on my fisted hand.

“
I know! I was up waiting for Brandon when I saw her sneaking into the building about three o'clock this morning. It seems her sister lives on the second floor. You could have told us that, you know
.
”

I could have told them much more. I should have.

“
After exchanging a few unpleasant words she told me what happened. And just so you know, I told Jem everything before she and Brandon took off
.
”

I stilled at the mention of Brandon’s name clenching my fists so hard that my fingernails began to dig into my palms. From what I remembered he was supposed to be two thousand miles away at come fancy college in New York. Suddenly jealousy took hold and would not let go.

“What the hell is he doing here?” I barked giving spark to Brea's ferocious laughter. I am glad one of us is amused. 

“Honey...” She paused. “There is no mountain Brandon Coy Hicks would not climb and no sea he would not swim to get to her if she needed him. Let me tell you right now, he loves her to death and she loves him just as much. So if you are thinking you are going to come sweep her off her feet and he will just go away you have another thing coming. If that is the case you’d best go now. Jemma doesn’t work like that, once she lets you in, it is for life.”

She cleared her throat waiting for my response. When I didn’t move she continued.

“Look, I am not sure when they will be back. But I will ask her to call you when they get home. OK?”

No, not OK, I was not going anywhere because I had to know what was wrong with my girl. It hurt enough knowing that I was not someone she could turn to when life got to be too much but I knew that was something we would have to work up to. 

“I cannot leave without knowing what is wrong with her Brea. I won’t be able to think straight if I do.”

“I can’t share that with you. I will just say that sometimes, when she doesn’t take care of herself she loses control and before she knows it she feels completely worthless and helpless. And she is sensitive to things most of us aren’t so she ends up misreading everything and everybody. Did you know that for years she thought she was hideous? You can thank Brandon for finally bringing her to her senses. I would give anything to have just one man look at me like he looks at her and here she has two! I love her to death but she can be a little clueless sometimes.”

I shook my head back and forth and buried my face into my hands completely ignoring the tension in Brea’s statement.

“I’ve lost her haven’t I?” I whispered then raised my head to Brea who was shaking her head.

“Did she just sleep with me because she has issues? Is that why she fucked Axel?”

Brea looked at me with what I can only describe as the eyes of a demon. I was almost certain that she was going to open up her rabid jaws and take a chunk out of me. I could not say I would blame her considering the way the words came out of my mouth. I had not intended on wording things quite so ‘eloquently’.

“I am going to ignore that asshole statement you just made and chalk it up to you being hurt. As far as her reasoning for Axel, yeah, she was just trying to fill a void or something. I cannot and will not speak for her, besides, I don’t even get it, and she does things for various reasons Ford. She says she goes numb, her entire body, she feels dead all over and there are certain things she can do to make herself feel less like a zombie and more like a human being. Shit, I don’t know why I am telling you any of this, it isn’t my place to tell you any of it but I can see you care about her.”

I silently pleaded with Brea to keep talking. I wanted to know
why me
? I needed Brea, as Jemma’s best friend, to tell me that our connection was not born out of some sick desire to feel something. I do not want to know that in the end I mean nothing to her.

“No, I can tell you right now that she didn’t sleep with you for that reason. As far as I know this time with Axel was the first time she had ever completely given into the urge. The first time she actually had sex with penetration so to speak. It probably has something to do with the fact that she knows him so well but even with him she lost it. Not only did she not freak out with you but she spent the night with you. When she suffers an episode with some random guy she never mentions him past the initial meltdown, though she ends up a total mess for weeks after. I know for a fact that you and Brandon are the only men she has ever been with in any way that mattered.”

Me and Brandon. There his name was again. Was I going to have to fight for this girl? I had never been willing to fight for a woman before. Not a single person had ever been worth fighting for but Jemma was not just some girl. She was my fairy princess, the keeper of souls, an artist, a healer of headless Barbie dolls, she was a Skipper and Skippers were always happy. If I was in for a fight at least I was armed with ammunition not a single soul other than me could fire off.

“For what it’s worth Ford, I see something different in her when she talks about you. I have seen it even more the few times I have seen her look at you. It’s a strange comfortable familiarity, a natural calm that I never saw in her the entire time she was with Brandon. He was always the person she would lean on when she couldn’t stand, still is and I’m not so sure that’s a good thing. But that look in her eyes, the one she gets when it is all about you, she has never even had that with me. I don’t want that gleam to go away. Do what you can to get it back and keep it there.”

I will, I will do that and more. Anything and everything I have to do, including jumping in front of a speeding bullet, I will save her. She won’t have to lean on me because I will see to it that she can stand on her own two feet. Brandon might care for her and I am thankful he was there to keep her afloat when she needed a life raft. But as far as I am concerned he was nothing but filler during a time I could not be there for her.

Brandon was her then, but I was her when, her now and as sure as I am living, I will be her tomorrow.

Chapter Eight

Jemma

It was hard coming back to see Dr. Schneider. After I cut off all ties with him I started getting my medication thanks to short visits with therapists at MHMR. I didn’t want someone who was going to take a nose dive into my head and tell me things that I did not want to hear. But I made a promise to Brandon that since he could not be here for me I would try to seek professional help. Since Dr. Schneider was already familiar with my past Dr. Schneider it was. Luckily he had a cancellation and was able to fit me in for a same day appointment.

Brandon held my hand in the small dark waiting area while I tried to wrap my head around the events of the night before. From the moment I came to my senses I started to doubt everything I had been feeling since the moment I stopped taking that little pink pill. I doubted the reality of everything around me. From the color of the plants in the waiting room to my feelings for Brandon and Ford to my ability to cope with the menial tasks of daily life. The fact that Brandon was sitting next to me rubbing the palm of my hand after I destroyed his friendship with someone he knew
half of his life caused the biggest doubt of all. It made me doubt if there was anything inside of me worth salvaging.

“Hale?” A short pixie like woman in a pink cardigan called out from the door behind the check in window. I looked over to Brandon who had sat straight up never releasing my hand. I don’t know why it felt as if I needed his permission to leave but I couldn’t stand up without finding the confidence his voice always offered me. “Go baby, I will be right here waiting. You can do this.” I took a deep breath, stood up and hesitantly gave his hand back to him.

I followed the woman back to Dr. Schneider’s all too familiar office. Short of the new ivy sitting next to the blacked out window everything had remained the same. A large dark cherry wood desk took up half of the far side of the room. In front of it stood two mahogany parlor chairs. Along the wall nearest to the door sat a plain Grey couch and next to that on the side wall sat a matching chair. The room was pretty standard as far as mental health offices go. I had been to see plenty of them in my short life. I took a seat on the couch knowing that was where we would end up anyway and waited for Dr. Schneider to make an appearance.

A few moments later after a few customary knocks on the door he slid into the room with his eyes glued to a clip board. I never understood why it was doctors knocked, especially psychiatrists, it was not like I would be sitting in the office naked or anything. But then again, given the fact that he dealt with crazy nut jobs like me I guess it was not entirely unheard of. I certainly had no intentions of getting naked anytime in the immediate future.

He was a little bit different than I remember, seemingly shorter, thinner and his hair had begun to gray with age.

“Miss. Hale!” He exclaimed looking up at me from the hand full of papers. “It has been a while. What brings you in this morning?”

He walked around the coffee table in front of me and took his customary seat in the uninteresting gray chair after clicking play on the recording device he sat down on the side table. This was customary, I spoke, he listened, recorded and on rare occasions gave advice.

I paused for a moment, where do I begin?

“I guess, well, I moved out of my aunt’s house a few months ago. Remember Brea?” he nodded. “We moved in together, here in Austin actually...”

I continued
; filling him in on all of the details leading up to my confrontation with Brea about my medication and then stopped remembering the last words he ever said to me in this very office.
“Brandon is your crutch, try to let him go.”
I didn’t want to tell him about Brandon unfortunately what I wanted did not matter.

“I see you and Mr. Hicks are still acquainted?”

I shook my head. Was he always this perceptive or had he just been spying on me in the waiting room?

As if reading my mind he replied, “I saw the young man heading into the
mens room on my way in here.”

I nodded “Oh.” was all I said.

“He tells me he has moved to New York. He is pretty worried about you. What do you think about that?”

What did I think about that? I thought it was a crummy but necessary step to keep him safe before I dragged him down with me because I am complete and total whack job, but I didn’t say that.

“I don’t deserve Brandon. It hurts to lose him, but I am glad he has a life away from me. We are no longer a couple. I ended things senior year after I...after...” I cleared my throat, he waited for me to finish.

“After what Jemma?” He pushed.

“After I gave him my virginity and he told me he was in love with me so much he wanted to give up everything to be with me.” I said quickly, ashamed of myself. I could not bear to look at him for fear of seeing judgment in his eyes so I turned away.

He inquired, “You gave yourself to him, he told you he loved you and then you ended things after all of that time? Why would you do that? Tell me how you felt about it.”

I bent over and put my head between my legs.

“I felt unworthy of it all. I felt afraid.” I sat back up forcing myself eye to eye with the doctor who was nodding his head up and down.

“I could not stop thinking about what you said the last time I was here, about Brandon being a crutch and suddenly it felt so true. I just did not want him to give up his life for someone who might have only cared about him because she was weak. He deserved so much better than me. But now, now I am not so sure I am not in love with him, he loves me, it would make sense for me to love him back. Wouldn’t it?”

He sat quietly and pondered for a moment before responding. “And Julian, how does he make you feel?”

I smiled at the thought of Julian. Before we left the apartment Brea had walked in, I had thought she was sleeping but as it turned out she was confronting a very drunk Heather whom she had caught sneaking into the building. Apparently she was staying in one of the units upstairs with her sister. After Brea threatened to make her college life a living hell, Heather confessed and told her Julian had broken it off months ago but she had hoped to win him back, albeit rather unsuccessfully.

“It is pretty hard to explain how he makes me feel without sounding like a weirdo.” I said. He told me to give it a shot.

“I guess you could say I feel like a kid again. Not a
kid
kid, like… I don’t feel like whipping out Barbie dolls and skipping rope or anything silly like that. He just makes me feel like I am not broken. Like I am a whole person, I feel like I could do anything, like I could even fly if I tried hard enough.” I laughed.

“Interesting. Tell me more?”

There was so much more. I wanted to tell him about the fact Julian was my first real crush. I had known him most of my childhood and even though I was only a little girl I would day dream about white dresses and tuxedos. When Barbie finally got around to her dream wedding, she ended up with one of Nick’s GI Joe dolls. He reminded me of Julian, there was no way Barbie would pick Ken when she had a Julian around. The memories warmed my heart.

“I dunno, I know that I can see my future clear as day. I have never seen my future before. I have always lived in the here and now because you never know what is going to happen in the next second. Julian makes me hopeful for what that next second will bring. Though it all feels kind of silly and unrealistic considering it has been less than a week since we reconnected. I don’t know if it is real or if I have become some crazed sex fiend.”

Dr. Schneider smiled, “So the two of you have been intimate?” I nodded. “Let me see if I am reading you correctly. And I am taking into account several of our past sessions in this summation. I hope I do not run you off again.”

He winked at me then looked down to the pile of papers now sitting on the coffee table in front of us.

“You see Brandon as your protector. That is what your head has designated him to be. When things get rough he puts his arms around you and holds you up. Julian is just the opposite. He is more like your savior; he makes you feel as if you can walk on your own two feet without needing to be held up. Does that sound about right to you?”

Suddenly panic flashes through my mind and body like a lightning bolt. I knew what he was getting at, he was saying the same thing he had said years ago and just like then I cannot control the madness emitting off of me, I cannot breathe. Dr. Schneider senses this and hands me one of the unopened bottles of water sitting in a small wicker basket on the side table. I open it and take a drink hearing his words that plead with me to take a second to find my composure.

“Brandon is my crutch?” I ask.

It was more of a statement than it was a question. The harsh realization that I have been clinging to Brandon for my own selfish needs tore me up inside.

“I thought I loved him. He could have spent all of these years with someone who would have loved him back. I am a horrible person!” I cried and he handed me a tissue.

“I made a mistake the last time you were here Jemma. I made a very unprofessional off handed comment about you perhaps not even loving the Mr.Ackles and for that I am sorry. The truth is that we lean on the people we love. The fact that you trust Brandon enough to lean on him shows me that you love him. Don’t doubt that there is love there; I don’t think it is possible not to love someone who so very obviously loves you. But love has many faces. Learning the difference between friendship and romantic love means finding a love that encompasses every face love has to offer. When you find someone who not only holds you up but also pushes you to walk all while making you feel like you can conquer the world you will see it for what it is, something real.”

I hear every word Dr. Schneider was saying to me but I was still confused about Julian.

“I can see you are still struggling with your feelings so I am going to help you along. I want you to make a pact with yourself, and me, to abstain from sexual relations for sixty days. No penetration, no heavy petting, none of it. Continue your medication and keep a journal. Journaling will help you to sort everything out in your head at the end of a long day. The sixty days will also give your body a chance to get used to the medication because I am taking you off the lithium and putting you combination drug therapy. Have you been getting your blood tests regularly?”

I told him the truth. I had not had a blood test in over a year and he agreed that it was definitely time to have one done and urged me to make an appointment with my primary care physician. After which he directed me to schedule our next visit and led me out of the room.

The drive back to the apartment was a quiet one. I kept looking over at Brandon, who never took his eyes off the road, trying to figure out if I should tell him about my session. He had tried to hold my hand once we climbed into the car but I pulled away. I could not keep doing this to him and I no longer wanted him to hold me up anymore. I just needed him to be my friend and I could see there was a moment when he had hoped that we might reignite the flame that had once burned between us, something even I had considered. But now that I understood what we had, a romantic relationship was something the two of us could never again revisit.

We pulled into the parking lot and Brandon parked the car.

“My mom wants to see me before I go back to New York. Do you mind if I just drop you off here?”

I could see the suffering in his eyes. He did not want to be near me any longer than he had to be. We had not said a word but a part of him knew what had played out behind the closed door of Dr. Schneider's office.

“That’s fine.” I paused considering my next words carefully. “I love you Brandon. I didn’t know how much until today.”

He flicked at his steering wheel refusing to look up. “But,” he said.

“But...you and me, as an us, it is not healthy, not for either of us. You cannot keep running to my side every time I get an itch Brandon. I need to know that you are out there living your life. I do not want to lose you, not because I think I cannot live without you holding me up, but because you are a part of who I am. Knowing that you have even a tiny place in my life makes everything worth fighting for.”

Brandon looked up at me with tears in his eyes fully aware of what I was saying no matter how much he wanted to hear something different.

“This is it. All I can offer you from now on is friendship and I know that it might be selfish of me but I so very much want you to be my friend. In order to do that I need you to tell me again that you won’t be waiting in the wings for me. Only this time I desperately need you to mean it. I cannot move on until you mean it.”

My tone had turned to pure desperation. I waited in silence for what felt like years before I finally heard Brandon speak. He wiped the tears from his face, grabbed my shoulders and turned me around to face him leaving his hands firmly in place. He noticed the pendant around my neck, he didn’t know it but I never took it off, and looked up into my eyes.

“I, Brandon Coy Hicks will not ever again be caught waiting in the wings for you Jemma Lee Hale. I am your friend, I will be the best friend that I can be if you promise me that you will be happy. That you will take your medication, see your doctor and take care of yourself. Because even though you are only my friend, I couldn’t live another day knowing that I failed you because you Jemma Hale are a part of me as well. A part so absolutely vital that my body would cease to function if anything happened to it. Are you hearing me?”