The Changeling (Book One of The Síofra Chronicles) (21 page)

Chapter Twenty-Four

"Elliott and I are getting married in Reno next weekend," Becca said nonchalantly as she stirred her coffee with a spoon, watching me for a reaction.

"That's nice," I muttered absentmindedly, using my
own spoon to pull all the marshmallow bits out of my cereal.  All I could think about was the thunderstruck look on Aleksander's face when I had walked out of his house, and I scowled, unsure if I was angrier that he had gone to Queen Titania or that he hadn't stopped me when I left.

"Cassie!" Becca shouted at the top of her lungs and I jumped in my seat, jerking my eyes to her angry face. 

I blinked at her.  "What?"

"What the hell is going on with you?"
she demanded.  "I just told you your brother and I were eloping in Reno and you didn't even blink. You're never home anymore, and when you are, it's like you're not even here.  You just sit there and space off or you go hide away in your room and don't talk to me."

"Nothing is going on," I argued, frowning at my cereal and refusing to meet her eyes.  "I've had a lot on my mind is
all. Don't you think you guys are too young to get married?"

"I was just trying to see if you were paying attention to what I was saying. I'm not an idiot.  Is this about me and Elliott?"
she asked, and I looked up at her, startled.

"Is what about you and Elliott?" I asked, confused.

"Whatever this funk you're in.  Are you mad at me for dating him?"

"What? No!” I denied vehemently.  “Why would you even think that?"

"Because you've been like this since we came back from Thanksgiving," she explained.  "You barely said two words to me on the ride home and you've been acting like a hermit ever since we got back.  If it bothers you this much, Cassie, I won't see him anymore. I really like your brother, but chicks before dicks and all that. You're the only family I have left. No guy is worth more than you."

"That's not it
, Becca,” I said tiredly, rubbing my temples and trying to stave off the headache I could feel building. “I cannot begin to tell you how much I don't care about that.  If you and Elliott want to hook up or get married and have tons of ridiculously attractive little babies, I'm fine with it."

Becca's body relaxed and I could see how scared she had been that I didn't want her dating my brother.  "Good.  I thought you were mad at me."

"Why would I be mad?  I'm glad Elliott finally pulled his head out of his butt.  You're perfect for him, and everyone in the family knows that and is okay with it.  Honestly, if you two were to split up, you'd get to keep the family and he'd have to go hunt for a new one."

She smiled at me in relief
, and I rushed to dump my cereal in the sink, desperate to get away before this conversation went any further.

"Well if it's not that
, then what is it?"

I sighed and scowled at the sink.  She wasn't letting it go and I wasn’t in the mood for it today.

"Nothing is wrong, Becca.  Why does something have to be wrong if I don't feel like being a social butterfly?  That’s your thing, not mine.  Maybe I just want to be left alone."  I frowned. What was going on with me wasn't anything I could explain, and I had had enough of people meddling.

"Because it's not like you,"
she exclaimed, her voice rising.  "I've known you our whole lives, Cassie, and I can always tell when you're holding back.  We don't keep secrets from each other, so tell me what's wrong so we can figure out how to fix it."

"Nothing is wrong
, Becca!" I, turned and glared at her. "And even if there was, it's none of your damn business! You are
not
my mother, or did you forget that?”

Becca's jaw dropped and her lip trembled. I never yelled at Becca.  I almost never yelled at anyone
, and we were both shocked by my outburst.  Giant jewel-like tears filled her eyes and streamed down her cheeks, and I wanted to hug her and apologize but stopped myself short. I couldn’t deal with this right now.  I shook my head at her and grabbed my keys as I headed toward the door.

"Where are you going?"
she asked quietly, her voice full of  hurt.

"Not that it's any of your business but I'm going to work and then I'm going to Dom's.  I'll be back sometime tonight
, although I wouldn't suggest waiting up for me unless you’re giving me a curfew now too?"  I gave her a challenging look, and she tightened her lips and shook her head. 

I gave her an awkward wave and stormed out of the apartment, mentally adding Becca and myself to the list of people I was angry with. 

***

"Are you sure nothing is wrong?" Dom asked for the third time as we sat on the couch at his house, watching the Winchester brother’s develop their bromance.

"I'm okay," I said, lying through my teeth. 

I wasn't okay, not even close.  I was alternating between being so terrified
that I could curl up into a ball and cry and wanting to rage about Aleksander and Becca and all the other people who thought they had a right to interfere with my life and treat me like a child. I wasn't sure which one of them I was angrier with but I settled on Aleksander.  Becca was Becca, and tomorrow I would feel like a jerk for yelling at her. But I wasn’t ready to forgive Aleksander.  I had trusted him and he had betrayed me.

"Liar," he teased me, but his smile didn't reach his eyes.  He was worried about me, and I felt guilty for bringing my drama to his doorstep.

I had gotten a half a dozen angry texts from Miguel while I was at work demanding to know what was going on, and I had ignored every one of them until he’d shown up at the bookstore insisting I tell him what was going on. For once in my life, I’d been grateful for Sharon when she kicked him out of the store saying he was disturbing the other customers, but I knew it was only a temporary fix.  Ray had told me apologetically that Becca had called Miguel upset and they were concerned for me, worried about why I was acting so out of character. I was in for it when I went home so I was hiding out at Dom’s like a chicken.

Everything in my life was a mess.  I was screwing up my friendships and I was so distracted with everything that was going on that I had bombed my English final.  My mother was going to have a cow when she found out I had failed my first college classes.  Everything was spiraling out of control and I didn't know how to pull myself out of it.  I should have been focusing on my real life
, but all I could do was internally rage about the injustice of it all.

"Okay
, I suck at the whole waiting quietly for you to fess up to what's bugging you, and I think you suck worse at sharing what you're feeling," Dom said with a frown, reaching down and winding his fingers around mine, squeezing my hand gently.  "So I'm just going to say that when you want to talk about it, I'm here, and if you don't, I'm still here.  No judgment."

I chewed my lower lip and stared at my hands in my lap.  "Thank you," I said softly. 

He was the one person to offer me unconditional support whether I told him anything or not and it made me feel safe, like I could hide out in my little bubble and get my head straight without any expectations.

"It's just stress and shitty interpersonal relationships," I
said.  It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either.  Niall would have been proud, and the thought made me gag.  "My mom is going to kill me because Professor Davies is failing me and I can't stomach hearing Becca gush about my brother anymore. Thank you, by the way, for letting me hide out over here.  I don’t know what I would do without you.  You’re amazing for putting up with me." 

I looked up at him and saw him grin at me, his sapphire eyes sparkling. 

"Does that mean you're ready to stop pushing me away?" He smiled at me as he grazed his knuckles softly over my cheek.

"I don't know," I
said, surprised.

Dom and I had chemistry
. I wasn't stupid enough to think otherwise.  He was gorgeous and funny, and he made me laugh when I wanted to cry.  If Aleksander hadn't barged into my life and I hadn't let his hot and cold act trip me up, would Dom and I have progressed to a real relationship?  Was I being unfair to Dom and to myself by not giving us a real chance? 

Maybe Becca was right. I pushed people away.  Maybe I knew deep down
that Aleksander didn't want me so I had glommed on to him because I was afraid of letting Dom get too close. He couldn't get much closer than he was now.  Instead of turning to Becca when my heart had been broken, I had come to Dom. That had to mean something, right?

"Would it be okay if I was?" I asked hesitantly, doubting myself. "I know I said I wanted to be just friends and
— "

He pressed a finger to my lips, silencing me. 
"Cassie, since the moment I've saw your beautiful green eyes in the bookstore, I've wanted you for myself.  You made me want to be that guy.  The one you celebrate with when everything goes right and the one who comforts you when things go wrong.  I wanted to be the guy who made you smile and never made you cry.  After spending all this time getting to know you, I realized I don't want to be that guy anymore. I want to be
the
guy.  You give me the word and I swear I'll do whatever it takes to make you sure about me, about us."

I chewed my lip and spun the ring on my thumb.  I wasn't sure he could be that guy for me
, but I was willing to give it a shot.  With everything else in my life falling apart, I selfishly wanted something good for myself, something to make me smile. Maybe it was wrong when I knew my heart wasn't completely in it, but I couldn't stop myself.  Meeting his eyes, I smiled hesitantly and nodded.

The corners of his mouth tipped up in a smile and his eyes flashed as he pulled me onto his lap and kissed me, his arms
coiled around me, pressing me to him.. 

The fire that
had raged in me when Aleksander kissed me wasn't there, but there was a pull toward Dom, a desire to let go and just be. I forced myself to respond his kiss. I wanted to be happy.  I deserved to be happy, and if he wanted to make me happy, I wanted to let him try.

"Okay," I
said, pulling back and resting my face on his shoulder so he couldn’t see the sadness in my eyes.. "Make me sure."

Chapter Twenty-Five

"You can't keep avoiding me.”

I opened my eyes and saw Aleksander staring reproachfully at
me. It had been almost a month since Caroline had passed away.  Time was blissfully slipping away from me.  I spent as much time as I could away from the apartment with Dom, dodging calls from my friends and family, and mainlining caffeine so I wouldn't sleep.  I was tired and unfocused, but thankfully it was finals week before everyone headed home for the winter holidays.  Everyone was hopped up on coffee and acting like anxiety-driven zombies. It was stupid of me, hiding from everyone the way I was instead of dealing with it, but I couldn't face having so many people angry with me when I wasn't the one in the wrong.

"Yes I can," I
said with a mirthless laugh, climbing to my feet and glaring at him, ready to walk away again.  "You would be amazed at how long I can avoid talking to you."

I knew the adult thing would be to patch things up with Aleksander
, but every time I saw him, I felt the sting of his rejection again and I was left choking on unsaid words.

"Erik is gone," he said, his voice hollow. I stopped abruptly and waited, my back to him. "He faded away this afternoon."

An ache began in my chest and I pressed my palm to it as if I could stop the coldness that was spreading.  My last link to Caroline was gone.  I wanted to cry, to rage, to feel anything, but I couldn't.  I was numb.  Another loss I was unprepared to deal with, someone else I didn't know how to say goodbye too. 

There
were people out in the world who had experienced lifetime’s worth of grief and loss and knew how to take it in stride. I wasn't one of those people.  Each new loss, each new threat, crippled me while I struggled to understand why bad things happened to good people.  I wasn't schooled enough in pain to understand that bad things always happen to good people and bad people got off easy because their icy hearts couldn't be wounded.

"I'm sorry," I said, turning around and truly looking at him for the first time in weeks. 

I hadn't forgiven him for trying to control my life, and I still wasn't done nursing my hurt from his rejection, but seeing him wrecked like this pierced the spreading numbness.  His beautiful eyes were closed off and dark, and grief lined his face.  He looked so vulnerable that, even though I didn't want it to, I could feel the balloon of anger I was clinging to begin to slowly deflate, leaving me feeling hollow and empty inside.

He looked down at his feet and inhaled deeply.  Guilt for shoving him away when he was probably feeling as lost and confused as I was mingled with my sympathy and I reached for his hand, squeezing it firmly, telling him I was here when he needed me. Erik was his friend
, and I knew he felt the loss even more because it had been unexpected for everyone.  Fae simply didn't die. 

"There's nothing to apologize for," he
said, his voice hoarse. 

I frowned and shook my head slowly.  There was a lot to be sorry for, things I was unsure how to put into words and express.  "There is, but we don't have to discuss it now."

"No, you're right. There are other things we have to discuss first.  The King and Queen are upset we haven't been working on your abilities.  They asked me if I would prefer you finish your training under another Caomhnóir." 

"What?" I jerked my head up and stared at him, my heart pounding
.  "What did you say?"  I didn't want another Caomhnóir.  Aleksander drove me nuts, but I couldn't imagine trying to learn from someone else and I didn't want him handing me over to someone else, even if we hadn't been on speaking terms recently.

"I said I would talk to you first.  That if you wanted me to step aside
, I would, but I thought the decision should be yours."  He glanced up at me, meeting my gaze for the first time, giving me a glimpse of the tumult of emotion dancing just beneath the surface. 

"I don't want someone else," I
said, furrowing my brows.  "I want you, but only if that's okay.  I don't want you to stay if you don't want to."

I let the words hang in the air between us, unsure if either of us was fully aware of the unspoken double meaning behind my words.  He looked relieved
, and a spark flared to life between us. 

"I want to stay," he agreed and twined his fingers around mine. 

"So what do we do now?  Is there a funeral or something?  I don't know the customs here." 

He frowned. 
"We don't have a custom for death."

"So what do you do when someone dies?" I asked
, confused. 

"Nothing.  We have a ceremony for everything else. The changing of the seasons, the announcement of a Caomhnóir,
a Síofra's declaration, but nothing to say goodbye.  Words have power here, and it's like, if we don't acknowledge someone is gone, they never truly are."

"That's just wrong," I muttered.  "Erik deserves to be remembered and honored
, and you need the chance to say goodbye." 

"I've said my goodbyes," he replied darkly.  "I've said enough goodbyes to last me a thousand lifetimes."

"Yeah well, I haven't said mine," I sighed, dissatisfied with his answer. "I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Caroline and now I don't get a chance to say goodbye to Erik either."

"What does it matter to them? They're dead
, Cassie.  Words and regret won't bring them back."

"So you're just going to pretend like it never happened? Like
they
never happened?" I demanded, the blood draining from my face.

"I don't expect you to understand
," he argued.  "You've never known loss or suffering or guilt."

I narrowed my eyes at him
, and a strangled laugh bubbled over my lips.  "I've never known guilt? Really? All I've known recently is guilt, and fear, and anger, and loss. So whoever's head you think you're crawling around in, it isn't mine."

His eyes flashed dangerously.  "No
, Cassie, you haven't. If you did, you wouldn't be so damn cavalier about your own life. You'd make your choice and be done with it instead of putting yourself in danger every time you come here."

"What does it matter?" I
asked irritably. "By your own admission, you don't mourn the dead. You pretend they never happened."

The words cut deep as soon as they left my lips.  He paled and his lips tightened with anger
, and I wished I could take them back.

"I don't pretend they never happened. I will carry them with me forever
, but I can move on from that because their deaths aren't on my hands.  There was nothing I could do to save them.  You're different." 

"How?" I asked incredulously.  "What makes me any different from them?"

"Because losing them wouldn't kill me. The longer I'm around you, the more important you are to me. There was nothing I could do to save them.  You’re different. It’s my job to protect you, and I have enough guilt to carry with me without adding yours to it too. You have no sense of self-preservation.  That's why it's different. You're different, and you’re closer than I want you to be."

Understanding washed over me like a tidal wave
, and I realized with a sinking heart it wasn't about me at all. It was about Margaret.

"Jackson told me about
Margaret. I get it. You have a problem with losing people and lots of misplaced guilt, and maybe you're not over losing her. That's fine. I understand.  I've put you in a bad spot the past couple weeks,                                          but once you accept that this is my choice and not yours and you would have nothing to feel guilty over, then we can go back to being friends."

Aleksander paled, his face agitated, and he ran a hand through his honey-colored hair. 
"And what exactly did Jackson tell you about Margaret," he growled, his eyes flashing. 

I gulped and stared at my hands. If it were physically possible to kick myself in the ass
, I would have. How insensitive could I be, dragging up his dead girlfriend when he was already hurting, whether he wanted to admit it or not?

"He said you made your choice because she died. That you blamed yourself for losing her and couldn't live there without her, so you came here instead."

"That’s not exactly what happened," he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I didn't come here because I lost Margaret.  I came here because it was my fault she died and I couldn't live with the guilt."

My eyes flew to his,
to the regret shining in them.  "I don't understand," I said.  "Jackson said she died in a car accident."

"You have to understand," he said quietly, moving to a large rock and leaning against it, looking out over the water rather than meet
ing my gaze.  "Margaret and I were together for years.  It doesn't sound like long, but when I was a mortal, it was as good as being married.  It was what she wanted, what everyone assumed would happen, what I assumed would eventually happen."

"What changed?" I
asked, my eyes glued to his profile.

"Nothing. That was the problem.  I kept waiting for something to happen to make me fall in love with her. I'd loved her most of my life
, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't what my parents had, and that's what I wanted.  I was driving her home after prom and she kept talking about our future. How we would get married and have all these children and this whole life she had planned out for us.  I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was suffocating under her expectations, and I told her I didn't want to get married."

His eyes filled with tears
, and my heart clenched painfully for him. 

"She was crying and I was angry and
my attention on her ," he said so low I had to strain to hear him.  "When I looked back a the road , there was a deer standing in front of us.  I swerved to miss it and lost control of the car and hit a tree.  I was wearing my seatbelt but she wasn't.  She was thrown through the windshield.  They said she died on impact, and I hope that's true."

"I'm so sorry
, Aleksander," I said softly, lifting my hand and resting it on his shoulder awkwardly. I wanted to comfort him but did not know where to begin.  "You can’t hold yourself responsible for that."

"
I can," he said fiercely, turning to look at me, his eyes dark.  "Because if I had loved her like she deserved, she'd still be alive.  I couldn't bear to face her family, knowing what a coward I was.  When Jackson offered me the chance to get away, I took it."

"Your relationship didn't kill her
, Aleksander," I said firmly.  "It was an accident. It wasn't your fault."

"It was my fault, and I
’ll carry the guilt with me.  Please don't ask me to carry guilt for you too."  His eyes pleaded with me, begging me to agree to what he wanted and spare him the pain of my possible death.

"It's okay," I said
soothingly, looking away from him.  "I'm not asking you to carry guilt for me. There would be no cause for it. The choice is mine, not yours."

He opened his mouth to argue and I held a hand up in front of him, cutting him off.

"And I know you aren't ready for anything with me when you're still so guilt ridden over Margaret. I'll stop making a fool of myself, throwing myself at you, and maybe we can go back to being friends."

"I don't want to be friends," he said
, and I looked back at him, tears filling my eyes.  I bit my lip and willed them not to fall.  I nodded awkwardly, desperate to get away from him, from the whole conversation. 

"Okay then," I gulped.  "I'll, um
…  I'll go. I'll let The Queen know I need a new Caomhnóir after all. I'm sorry." I turned, not wanting him to see my hurt.

"I don't want to be friends
, Cassie, because I want to be something more."

I stopped dead in my tracks, my chest heaving.

"I'm kind of getting emotional whiplash here, Aleksander," I said plaintively, turning to look back at him when I felt his hand slip around mine. "I can't keep up."

"The problem is I want more with you, but I'm afraid to have it.  I would like to continue with your training, but as long as you stay
a Síofra, nothing can happen between us.  I don't want you holding on to the Fae because of me."

"Then you haven't been listening to me at all," I
said.  "I'm holding on to the Fae for me. My whole life, I've let everyone make choices for me.  The only reason I even applied to the college I did was so I could stay with Becca, so I could stay near my parents.  I've never wanted the responsibility of my fate until now. 

"When I choose
—and what I choose—it will be for me. Not for anyone else, and not for something as unreliable and fickle as my heart."