The Ethical Slut (26 page)
Authors: Dossie Easton
An important note: even people who
are
gorgeous or rich or busty or whatever don’t usually like to feel that their beauty, their wallet, or their breasts are their most attractive quality. Those who partner successfully with them often consider such qualities a happy bonus that has little or nothing to do with why they chose that person in the first place.
Where do sluts gather? What are your best-bet venues for finding the bedmate, playmate, or lifemate of your dreams?
In the decade since we first wrote this book, the answer to that question has changed a great deal. “Polyamory” is now listed in the
Oxford English Dictionary.
Newspapers, magazines, and websites worldwide have run detailed articles describing this strange new lifestyle. Support groups have sprung up in all major U.S. cities and many smaller ones; several larger annual conferences draw connection-minded sluts from all over the world.
It is impossible to list here the wide variety of polyamory-related venues that are available to you, because there are too many and they change too fast, but we have listed a number of them in our Resource Guide. One small caveat: there are almost as many definitions of the word “polyamory” as there are people using it. You may find yourself confronting people who insist that whatever you’re doing (swinging,
fuck-buddy circles, casual play, group sex, whatever) isn’t really polyamory: the most conservative definition of the term encompasses only long-term committed multipartner relationships. Our strategy for dealing with this issue is to smile sweetly and agree: “OK, what I’m doing isn’t polyamory by your definition.”
If, for whatever reason, the online polyamory community doesn’t feel like the right place for your quest, there are many options for seeking out other sluts in person. It is difficult to find sluts in dance clubs—the music is often too loud for an exchange of ideas or ambitions. Try searching the web for “ethical slut munch” or “polyamory munch” in your area, and meet some people who like to get together and talk about the lifestyle. We find a lot of ethical sluts exploring alternative realities: try your local Society for Creative Anachronism and other historical re-enactment groups, and know that many Renaissance Faires are practically sluts’ trade conferences. Check out science fiction conventions or live action role-playing game groups. If your sluttery has a spiritual leaning, many groups of neopagans are far more open than traditional Judeo-Christian religions to alternative lifestyles. (Many others aren’t, so don’t make any untoward assumptions.)
Another good place to look can be in workshops, seminars, and gatherings that have to do with human sexuality or intimacy. While cruising is, understandably, not allowed at some of these activities (people baring their souls are doing difficult work that can be disturbed by having to be on guard against unwanted advances), graduates often go on meeting socially long after the actual session is over. There are also several regional and national conferences about sexuality and intimacy, and these are attended by many kindred slutty spirits.
When you go to events where you can expect to meet like-minded folk, you will usually need to invest a little time in becoming a member of the group you are visiting. Start out by making friends, and don’t be friendly only to people you want to cruise. Make as many friends as you can, and people will start to trust you. One good initial tactic is to go find some people like yourself, not your ideal opposite number, and make friends with them. If they are like you, they probably know people you will like.
Most of these gathering places and events are made possible by a lot of hard-working volunteers, so the absolute number one best way
to get to know people in a group you like is to volunteer to do something useful: greet folks at the door, help with refreshments, join the clean-up crew. You will meet a ton of people and they will be grateful to you. Both of your authors have become valued members of many communities by helping out and by offering our living rooms as meeting places to support groups and social functions. Generally, we get a friendly crew to help us set up and to clean up afterward. Then we don’t even have to leave home to attend.
Sluts have been finding each other through personal ads for many decades, and personal-ad partner finding has expanded enormously in the last decade or two, fueled by the widespread availability of Internet access.
One couple who recently celebrated their eighth anniversary says,
We would never have found each other if we’d met face-to-face in the first place. Anthea is tall and girly and a single mom and an agnostic; Bev is short and energetic and resolutely child-free and Jewish. Neither of us is anything like the people either of us has chosen before. But since we met through the personals, we had a chance to get to know each other at a deeper level, before we had to confront all the surface stuff that would have turned us off if we’d seen that first.
Those seeking nontraditional relationships may, however, find themselves addressing some problems of categorization. One well-known international free advertising site, for example, offers two types of relationship ads, the regular partner-seeking ones and “casual encounters”; people explicitly seeking nonmonogamous longer-term relationships sometimes find that their ads in the partner-seeking section have been removed. We don’t have an answer for this, except to hope that this site will consider adding an “alternative relationships” category soon.
There are also paid sites, usually sponsored by magazines and newspapers, that cost a few dollars a month and offer a bit more flexibility in how you describe yourself and what kind of relationship you’re seeking; Janet and her spouse E found each other on one of these. At this time,
many online matchmaking services do not support nonmonogamous lifestyles, and some will even take down ads that mention poly, but we’re sure that will change as polyfolk become more visible. However, the website
PolyMatchMaker.com
offers space for all sorts of poly and alternative personal ads for people of all genders and orientations. And
OkCupid.com
offers an ethical slut test that will help you match your values with other participants. Dossie and her partner recently took this test and are happy to report that they both qualified, although Dossie was a bit miffed to discover that her partner got a higher score than she did. On the
test,
that is.
When you meet people through a personal ad, it is customary to get to know them in stages, starting with email correspondence, then perhaps a phone conversation, and then a no-strings get-together in a public place for coffee or a meal, so that you can get to know the other person slowly and with as little pressure as possible. Be aware that you know nothing about this person beyond words on a screen, and take the same precautions you would take in meeting any other stranger.
A special case: What if you fall in love with a person who wants monogamy? This situation is going to be tough. We know that this is a valid disagreement, and also a very basic difference. In our more thoughtless moments, we have blithely assumed that once this delightful person who has won our heart discovers that ethical sluttery is possible, he or she will instantly want to join in—but that is not always the case. Please remember that nobody is right and nobody is wrong; this is about two different ways of structuring a relationship, and both, or all, choices are valid. You may choose for the present to continue exploring this relationship because it is precious to you, and you want see how things evolve, even if you may be disappointed at some time in the future. Both of you need to agree to tolerate the ambiguity of knowing that ultimately you each want something different. Entering into a relationship while planning to change your partner is not respectful to your beloved and could make big trouble in the future.
Make “for the time being” agreements about how you will live at present and seek out knowledge and experience that will help you understand each other’s positions. Read this book together, read a good book on intimacy. Refrain from bad-mouthing each other’s choices.
Attend some workshops together—maybe one on poly, and one on hot monogamy. Join some online support groups on relevant topics, and find time to discuss what you learn from all of these sources.
Consider the wide spectrum of relationship options available to you—perhaps the one that best fits your needs may not be what you thought you were looking for. Meanwhile, we feel sure that you entered into this potentially difficult situation because there is a great deal that you treasure in this particular relationship and that the value of your love together outweighs the differences between you. Whether the two of you wind up as friends, lovers, spouses, or something else that’s unique to your pairing, we hope you’ll find a way to keep on cherishing that love.
What kind of relationship do you want? Do you want someone with whom you can buy a house and raise a family? Someone you can meet once a year for a hot and heavy weekend of role-playing fun? Or Ms. or Mr. Right Now? Knowing what you want up front can prevent a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings later.
If you’re worried that nobody could possibly want what you have to offer, don’t be so sure. While it may be harder to find someone who wants to be a secondary partner, or a role-play buddy, or the parent of your children, it is certainly possible—in fact, there are undoubtedly at least a few people out there who are looking for just such a situation.
Trick versus partner is not an either/or situation: there are many, many ways to relate that lie between a one-night stand and marriage. You may not know in advance what kind of relationship will develop with the person who intrigues you tonight, and that person may not fit whatever space in your life you thought you were looking to fill. Taking people as they come, how they are, here and today, can lead you to wonderful surprises that more than make up for the occasional disappointment. So watch out for your preconceptions, and be ready to approach new people with an open mind and an open heart.
Expect situations to change. Someone you thought was just an occasional playmate may evolve into a much more important figure in your personal landscape. When this happens—and it has happened to both of us—it is important to keep that person, and anyone else involved,
thoroughly briefed on the emotional shifts you’re experiencing. It may be that your friend is feeling the same way toward you … and this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Or the object of your desire may just not be in a place where a deep emotional commitment feels right. In any case, treat this changed relationship as though it were a new one—in a way, it is. It may be that the two of you can go on connecting in your original, casual manner, or you may have to part for a while to maintain your original equilibrium. Full mindfulness, lots of empathy, and plenty of honest communication are strongly recommended here.
Perhaps the person you want is already in your circle of acquaintances, only you don’t know it yet. Janet writes:
E and I had known each other casually for years, and with an unfortunate history: I’d once written a newspaper piece harshly criticizing one of the policies of the small business he was running at the time. So when I saw him on the street, we would say a fairly stiff “hello” and part with a slight sense of relief.
However, when I answered the personal ad from a man who described me quite precisely in his list of desired characteristics, I didn’t know it was him.
It took several rounds of correspondence before we each began to figure out who the other one was, and then all our mutual friends started getting phone calls from each of us asking about the other one. E was in a relationship with one of Dossie’s roommates for several years—that’s how close the connection actually was, once we figured it out.
We’d already fallen half in love just through email correspondence. Our first date was for Thai food and a long walk around one of Oakland’s nicest neighborhoods. We had some negotiating to do around the whole issue of poly—some of his previous partners had been pretty good at the slut part but not so good at the ethical part—but he was willing to at least try.
He moved in a year or so later, and we got married a few months after that. As of this writing, we’re approaching our third wedding anniversary and our fifth anniversary as a couple.
Couples
SLUTS RELATE in as many combinations and styles as you can possibly imagine, and more. Is there a typology of relationships that could possibly include every wonderful possibility? Obviously not. We believe that every relationship is unique unto itself, and thus even an attempt to think in types and forms is not going to express the essential truths of what happens when we love people.
Here is one particular and fairly unusual relationship we cherish:
Your authors have been lovers, coauthors, and best friends for sixteen years, and we have never lived together. We have both lived with other partners during those sixteen years and have both been single together for only a brief time. Our relationship is a treasure, and no other partner gets to object—we’ve been doing this for a long time and we do not intend to stop. Of course, if we wanted to live together we probably would have by now, so we are also no threat to any life partner. (As long as you don’t get threatened by reading in extensive detail about your partner’s sexual adventures with her coauthor—this is a problem only a few of you will ever face.) It is nothing short of a miracle to us that our partnering has been so fruitful and so serene and so intimate and so explorative over all this time. We both agree that to live together would run a terrible risk of spoiling a good thing.
Everybody ought to have a coauthor. But even if you don’t write, you might find yourself making connections that remind you of some of the possibilities we will discuss here.
While all connections can be guided by the basic principles we’ve discussed in earlier chapters, new skills and concepts may get developed by brilliant sluts who want to explore the rewards and challenges of any particular lifestyle. In this chapter, we will discuss some of the many ways of exploring open sexual lifestyles and making your connections sustainable. Even if it doesn’t seem like what you want has much in common with any of these ways of partnering, we suggest reading the whole chapter—there are ideas for all of us in the experiences of any one of us, and sometimes a voice from somewhere else can give us just the piece our puzzle was looking for.