The Forest Ranger's Husband (5 page)

“K
endal Albright speaking.”

Andie gripped the phone in her office and took a cleansing breath when she heard Kendal’s familiar voice. “Hi, Ken. It’s Andie Foster, er, Cutter. How are you?”

“Andie! Well I’ll be. I haven’t talked to you in years. I’m great. How about you?”

“I’m good.” She didn’t know how to broach the subject on her mind. Kendal had worked with her and Matt years earlier when they’d first started as linespeople working summer wildfires to earn enough money for their college tuition. Ken was Matt’s best friend and should know what was going on.

“Congratulations on making squad boss of the Red Mesa Hotshots. I heard about it through the grapevine a year ago,” she said.

He paused and took a deep breath. “Actually, I’ve just been promoted again. With Matt leaving, I’m now the crew boss.”

“That’s great.” She tried to put some enthusiasm into her voice, but couldn’t muster much. Knowing Matt no longer got to do what he loved made her feel cheerless, and she didn’t understand why.

“How is your old man anyway?” Ken asked.

Old man. She tried to envision Matt as a senior citizen
with gray hair and wrinkles. No matter how he aged, she didn’t think she could ever view him as anything other than the handsome, rugged man she’d married. “Actually, that’s why I called.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I was hoping maybe you could tell me why he left Oregon.”

Another long pause. “He hasn’t told you?”

“No. He limps now and walks with a cane. Do you know what happened to him?”

“Unfortunately, I do. But he should tell you about it, not me.”

“That’s not gonna happen, Ken. I’ve asked him about it twice and he keeps brushing it aside.”

Silence filled the void for several heartbeats, as if Ken were thinking this over. “I was afraid of that. He won’t accept help.”

“Help for what?” she asked.

His voice lowered to a gruff rasp. “It was bad, Andie. Real bad. It was a relatively small brush fire last summer. Perhaps eighty acres. Matt and his crew were building a fire line and had moved up the hill. They were working hard and fast. If the fire made it over the ridge, it would have gone into big timber and out of control. Matt was determined to stop it, but not at the expense of his crew. No one blamed him for what happened.”

Andie lowered her head and pressed her free hand to her forehead. She’d worked on enough wildfires to know the dangerous risks. “So what happened?”

“The wind changed suddenly, boxing Matt and one of his men into a small clearing. It was a fluke of nature no one could have seen coming. They deployed their fire shelters, but the heat of the fire was too intense. It killed one of his men. No one knows why Matt survived.”

She released a shuddering breath, trying to absorb the ramifications of Ken’s words like a sponge soaking up sand. It just wouldn’t sink in. “Matt blames himself, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, but he won’t talk about it, Andie. I know he’s harboring tremendous guilt. He followed the ten standard wildfire-fighting orders and the eighteen watch-out situations, but he lost communication. Before he could rectify that, the winds changed. He did everything right, but it still happened so fast. I was hoping once he saw you, he might open up and let it go.”

Ken went on to tell her about Matt’s recovery. Four months. That’s how long Matt had been in the Oregon Burn Center at Emmanuel Hospital in Portland, recovering from second- and third-degree burns on his legs. Four months of excruciating pain.

“They didn’t think he’d ever walk again, but he was determined. And once he sets his mind to do something, he does it,” Ken said.

“Yeah, Matt was always like that.” Her voice sounded strained.

“I know he was working with a physical therapist before he left for Nevada. He was pushing himself too hard, but he said he had to be ready to pass his work-capacity test for the new fire season.”

“Why would he want to fight wildfires again?”

“It’s what he does, what he’s best at. I don’t know if he can ever rehabilitate his leg for that kind of work again, but he’s determined to try.”

“He never would take no for an answer,” Andie admitted.

In spite of her anger at Matt, she couldn’t help feeling sorry for him. It was the risk every firefighter faced. Matt had been trained to deal with the danger, but how could he really prepare for the loss of one of the men under his command?

“It wasn’t his fault, Andie.”

She lifted her head, trying to still the shaking of her hands. “Why does he blame himself?”

“Because he was the crew boss. Because he survived.”

Survivor’s guilt.

“Oh!” She moaned and clenched her eyes closed, imagining how she would feel if she lost one of her crew members in a wildfire. She’d be sick with anguish. They weren’t just crew. They were friends. People you laughed with, ate and worked with every day. How could you tell their family that they wouldn’t be coming home again?

“He almost died, Andie. By all rights, he shouldn’t have survived. But you know Matt.”

Yes, she knew Matt. Or at least, she used to know him. Now she wasn’t so certain.

“Has he talked to you about the fire?” she asked.

Ken gave a harsh laugh. “Nope. Every time I brought it up, he shut me down. Almost losing his life changed him somehow. He insists he doesn’t need to see a doctor. I visited him in the hospital several times. Once, he was delirious with pain and medication. All he talked about was seeing you and making things right with you again.”

“Really?” Odd, since Matt had never called.

“Yeah, it seems he lost his way. All he would tell me was that the fire had changed his priorities. It made him see life differently. He told me how much he regretted giving up his family for his career, and he planned to make it right. More than anything, he wants your forgiveness, Andie.”

Forgiveness. Something she didn’t think she could give him. Now she understood why Matt had returned, but this was just a phase. Survivor’s guilt. A backlash because he’d lived and his man hadn’t. Eventually he would snap out of it and realize it was okay that he’d survived. Then he’d run off
to some obscure destination to chase wildfires again. And where would that leave her and Davie?

Alone and brokenhearted. Again.

“He needs to speak with a specialist to help him deal with what happened,” she said.

Ken released a whoosh of air. “I agree, but try telling that to Matt. He insists a physical therapist is all he needs.”

Her stomach clenched tight. She longed to confide in Ken, but didn’t dare. He might report back to Matt, and she refused to be held hostage by her husband simply because she felt compassion for him. “He’s been gone from my life for over five years, Ken.”

“Is it true you’re still married?”

“In name only.”

“Then there may still be a chance you two could work it out.”

“No, I don’t think that’s possible anymore.”

He paused. “I’m sorry to hear that. You two were always perfect for each other. Always so in love. Always interested in the same things.”

“Except religion. I always believed in God, but Matt never did.”

“Maybe that’s what he needs now more than ever.”

She hesitated. “You mean God?”

“Yeah—if ever he needed faith, it’s now. Maybe you can help him see that.”

No, no, no! She didn’t want this responsibility. She didn’t want to care about their marriage or Matt’s eternal salvation. “Things are different now. We’re basically strangers.”

“So what are you gonna do?”

“I don’t know. Because of our jobs, we have to work together. But we’ve both moved on with our lives. We’ve both changed. He left me, Ken. For a very long time.”

“I know, and you have every right to be hurt. I told him
many times that he should go see you and work things out. He said he’d tried to call you, but you never called back. He’s different now, Andie. He’s not the career-centered hotshot you once knew. And he needs you more than ever.”

Again with the claim that he’d tried to call her. Andie had never received any voicemails from Matt. Not ever.

She gave a harsh laugh. “Are you advocating for him?”

“No, but I love him like a brother. He’s always been there for me. He’s bigger than life. An adrenaline junkie who thought he was invincible. After the fire, he learned that he’s human, and it’s made him realize what he lost the day he left you.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“I think it’s true. I hope you’ll give him a second chance.”

A second chance? No, she couldn’t. Not with so much to lose. She had to place Davie’s well-being above anything else.

A loud buzzer and the sounds of voices in the background came from the phone receiver. “Look, Andie, I’ve got to go. But do me one favor. Just listen to Matt. If nothing else, try to be his friend. See if you can get him to open up. I fear he’s like a powder keg waiting for a lighted match, but he’s always trusted you. You may be his only hope. I’m deploying on a fire right now, but I’ll check back with you in a few weeks.”

“Okay, I’ll let you go. Thanks and stay safe out there.” She hung up the phone, staring at a dried splotch of coffee her range assistant had spilled on her desk the day before. Without thinking, she reached for a tissue, wet it in the water fountain, and scrubbed the smudge off her desk.

How could she be Matt’s friend without caring for him? Without getting close to him again?

She couldn’t. Wouldn’t! No, he’d have to find some other way to deal with his grief. He could find God on his own. She had her son to think about now. There was just too much to lose this time.

But how could she turn her back on Matt? He was still her husband. The father of her child.

The love of her life.

Correction—ex-love of her life. She couldn’t love him anymore. She didn’t. She wouldn’t.

She hated him. Hated him for how he’d hurt her. Didn’t she?

She shook her head, the burn of tears and heartache more than she could stand. What was the use in denying it? She’d never stopped loving Matt, but she didn’t like him very much right now. And how could she love a man she didn’t like? He’d only break her heart again. How could she care so deeply for this man when she’d passed up the opportunity time and time again in his absence to build a healthy relationship with someone else? Every time Sue or one of Andie’s friends tried to set her up on a blind date, she’d refused. In her profession, she’d met some very handsome, educated men who’d asked her out. And she’d refused every one.

Because they weren’t Matt.

How could she turn her back on her husband when he needed her so much?

The answer came with clarity. She couldn’t. But neither could she open her heart to being broken again. Once Matt reconciled his pain over what had happened during the wildfire, he could decide he didn’t need her again and walk out. And where would that leave her and Davie?

As promised, Matt showed up on Andie’s doorstep after work, toting a child-sized baseball bat, leather glove and a ball. As he rang the doorbell, he couldn’t deny a buzz of excitement at having the opportunity to play with his son.

And to see Andie.

She’d gotten under his skin again. Like rushing into a wildfire, but something more intense than adrenaline. Seeing
his family felt more like a drug he needed desperately. A consuming addiction he couldn’t fight. He’d been anxious all day at work, watching the clock like a cat watches a mouse. Ready to pounce. By five o’clock, he felt as high-strung as a cougar in a cage. Then he’d been interrupted by Miles Ellsworth, the recreation staff engineer, wanting to discuss the impact of wildfires on the campgrounds. Making Matt late for his playtime with Davie.

Now Davie opened the door, grinning from ear to ear, a smudge of ketchup on his chin. “Hi, Dad. I didn’t think you were coming.”

Dad! Emotion flooded Matt with such intensity that he felt weak in the knees. To save his life, he couldn’t explain what that one word did to him. He was a father, and he intended to be the best dad in the world from here on out. To honor Jim Lockrem.

He smiled wide. “Hi, son. Sorry, I got hung up at the office, but I wouldn’t miss this for the world. You ready to play ball?”

Davie pushed the screen door wide and stepped back to let Matt inside. “Sure! But I have to finish dinner first.”

Matt stepped into the living room, finding himself engulfed by the tantalizing aroma of cooking meat.

Andie sat at the kitchen table, holding a fork in midair. When she saw him, she came to her feet. “Have you eaten yet?”

He waved her off. “I’ll get something later.”

“Nonsense. We have plenty.” She turned to the stove and scooped a large hamburger patty onto a bun, along with a pile of homemade fries and steamed broccoli.

At the table, Davie pulled out a chair for Matt and he set the baseball equipment by the door. He looped the handle of his cane over the back of the chair and sat down.

Davie wolfed down his burger while Andie placed a plate
of food in front of Matt. He picked up his burger while she filled a tall glass with milk for him. She sat down and continued eating like nothing had happened. Davie pushed the bottle of ketchup and a plate of sliced Swiss and cheddar cheese toward him.

“Thanks.” He smiled at his son, feeling out of sorts. Silence filled the room as he squirted ketchup on his burger and salted his broccoli.

Broccoli. Matt couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten a green vegetable or enjoyed a home-cooked meal. He hadn’t been taking very good care of himself since the wildfire.

“How’d work go today?” Andie asked without looking up.

Such a casual question, but he stared at her, trying to absorb this whole situation. On the one hand, it felt so normal to be sitting here eating dinner with his family. On the other hand, a wide gulf stood between him and his wife, and he didn’t know how to cross it.

“Fine. Just business.”

Davie scraped his chair back from the table and raised his little hands in the air. “I’m done.”

“Um, don’t think so.” Andie lifted her brows and stared at the two large spears of broccoli lying limp on Davie’s plate.