Read The Green Red Green Online
Authors: Red Green
The Green Red Green (21 page)
I
am by nature an optimist (or at least I hope I am), but there is something very empowering about removing unrealistic expectations from your life. Maybe I could bite off more than I could chew when I was young because I could hold it in my cheek for twenty years to soften it up. I don’t have that kind of time anymore, so now I try to make my projections with a stronger bulb. I’ve stopped expecting people to do what I want. Bad weather doesn’t surprise me. And I no longer make major purchases based solely on my ability to come up with the down payment.
C
ops pulled you over? Cut out this list of excuses and tape it to your visor to help you talk your way out of a ticket.
1) I was speeding so I could get home before you set up this radar trap.
2) I was speeding to get out of the way so you could aim your radar at the guy behind me, who was really going fast.
3) Yes, I was speeding toward you. You looked like you needed help.
4) I was speeding to beat the sunset. Both of my headlights are burnt out.
5) But, Officer, how can I signal my turns if my indicators haven’t worked since I ran into that police car five months ago? I mean, let’s be fair.
6) I’m the regional quality control officer for the Acme Radar Gun Company, and I’m here doing a spot check of
our product. It seems to be functioning perfectly, so my work here is done. Goodbye.
7) I tried to stop in time, but the guy ahead of me was leading too close.
8) The guy beside me was driving in my blind spot, and his horn was in my deaf spot.
9) The other driver failed to acknowledge my lack of control.
10) The other driver failed to acknowledge the possibility that I might run the stop sign.
11) The pedestrian was taking up the whole sidewalk and left me no room.
12) The other vehicle was a hazard because it was driving at the speed limit.
S
o the police didn’t believe your excuses? Well, cut out this list and put it in the pocket of your best outfit, because that’s what you’ll wear for your court appearance.
1) Your Honour, I would have come to a complete stop, but I wanted to get out of the way of the police car that was following me.
2) I didn’t need to use my signals. I turn at that corner every day.
3) Tailgating? I was trying to give him a push, but he was going too fast. Boy, you try to be helpful!
4) I speed because it wastes gas and sends a message to certain Middle Eastern powers that this great country won’t be held hostage to oil interests and threats of embargo. It’s basically a political act and I’m a political prisoner.
5) My radio is stuck at full volume on an all-polka station. I had to drive fast. My non-violent side was running out of time.
6) I wasn’t speeding. The radar just bounced off the metal plate in my head as I bobbed to the beat of my Bobby Vinton eight-track.
7) Did you know, Judge, that the earth orbits the sun at more than 65,000 miles per hour? Compared to that, I wasn’t speeding at all.
8) I saw the sign 401, but I thought it was the speed limit, not the highway number.
9) Society is to blame for giving me a driver’s licence. I’m merely a victim of incompetent examiners.
10) I wasn’t wearing a seat belt because I knew the cops would make me get out of the car. They always do.
11) Yes, I was swerving down the highway, but it’s not easy to kill a mosquito with a coffee cup at eighty miles an hour.
12) I would never have been driving that recklessly if the police hadn’t been chasing me.
O
ften in life, what we’re told flies in the face of what we know to be true. Take, for example, the areas of professionalism and competency. We are told that everyone wants you to excel in these areas, and that whatever you do in life, it is your duty to do it to the best of your ability. But I don’t think that’s entirely true. Oh sure, when you need something like open-heart surgery, you want the surgeon to be competent and professional. But when it’s an activity that doesn’t affect you in any way—like watching your neighbour have a pool installed—you enjoy it more if the bobcat
operator is incompetent and amateurish. That’s because competence is boring, and incompetence is always interesting. And when it doesn’t have a negative impact on your life, it’s downright entertaining. So if you’re hiring someone to fill a useless redundant position in your company, go with the bumbling incompetent. He’ll give everybody a lot of laughs and never quit to go to a better job.
I
was driving in the middle of a pack of cars on the highway this week. We were all speeding. No problem. Suddenly, a police car pulled onto the highway and we all hit the brakes, trying to subtly ease our way down to the speed limit. Luckily, the cop didn’t notice. He just thought his car must have tremendous power to be able to catch up to all of us that quickly. So we all moved at the same speed in a huge mass joined together by guilt. Thankfully, the cop got off a couple of exits later and we could all get back to breaking the law. But we’re not criminals. We just think there are a couple of laws that you obey only when a policeman is present. So when officers are around we pretend we always drive at a safe speed. And they pretend to believe us. It’s kind of an unspoken agreement between the two sides—like not swearing in front of your kids and vice versa.
W
henever you’re talking to someone, it’s important to watch his body language to make sure he considers the conversation a
worthwhile investment of his time. Here are a few signs that may indicate it’s time for you to stop talking:
• The listener makes that “yak yak yak” hand gesture while you’re talking.
• He turns his back to you and stares at the wall.
• He blinks and his eyes stay shut.
• He grabs his nose and looks at you accusingly.
• He pretends to see someone he knows in the distance, even though you’re shipwrecked on a desert island.
• He excuses himself to take a call on his cellphone, which is actually an ashtray.
• He swallows a pickled egg whole so he can be rushed to the hospital.
• He reaches to his side, hoping to find a holstered gun.
E
instein proved that time is relative, even though you may not have time for some of them. It’s a theory that becomes more relevant as we age. I’d try anything in my twenties, because I knew I had lots of time to heal or apologize or do community service. But now I’m very fussy about what I spend my time doing. I’m running out of it, so it’s becoming much more valuable. I used to view life as a timeless adventure. “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know. What do
you
want to do?” Now I treat it as a conjugal visit. “Let’s get this over with—I need my sleep.”
A
s I was washing a thin layer of ash and metal particulate off my boat last week, I got thinking about pollution and how people will say anything for money. Yes, the CEO of that big factory insists that all its emissions are inert and harmless. But he says that from his hermetically sealed office just prior to jumping into his Mercedes and speeding home to his million-dollar house—which is forty miles away and upwind. Well, I’ve come up with a plan to make sure these people are telling us the truth.
The Queen has to live in Buckingham Palace, the president has to live in the White House, and ministers have to live in the manse. It comes with the job. I say that CEOs of polluting companies should have to live on the grounds of their own factories. That would cut through the rhetoric pretty fast. Being ordered to live in the environment they create is a great way to force people to be honest. (With the apparent exception of those in the White House.)
I
t’s important to know how windy it is if you plan to fish, sail, hang-glide, or wear a toupee. Meteorologists (who know nothing about Meteors, even though they were darned decent cars) measure wind speed using the Beaufort wind scale, invented by Admiral Francis Beaufort in the 1800s (which is called the nineteenth century—go figure).
Beaufort based his scale on the amount of canvas that a full-rigged frigate could carry. I don’t have a frigate—although I have been known to say something similar. So I use the Wind-o-meter Scale.
| Code # | Wind Speed (Knots) | Description |
| 0 | 0-1 | Calm. Too calm. People get edgy. Smoke from the BBQ rises straight up, attracting buzzards. You can smell yourself. |
| 1 | 2–3 | Light air. Leaves on trees don’t move. Smoke from BBQ rises at a slight angle. You can still smell yourself. |
| 2 | 4–7 | Light breeze. Leaves on trees move. You can smell the guy next to you. |
| 3 | 8–12 | Gentle breeze. Everyone can smell everyone. Oriental wind chimes get on your nerves. |
| 4 | 13–18 | Moderate breeze. Nuns make flapping sound. Leaves fly all over your yard. |
| 5 | 19–24 | Fresh breeze. Leaves fly all over your neighbour’s yard. He yells at you, but you claim you can’t hear him over the wind chimes. |
| 6 | 25–31 | Strong breeze. Difficult to walk. Drunks are blown over. Smoke from BBQ blows horizontally, right into your eyes. |
| 32–38 | Moderate gale. Trees move moderately. Boring uncle asks, “Windy enough for you?” Cheeks flap when you yawn. Aluminum patio furniture on the move. | |
| 8 | 39–46 | Fresh gale. Nuns blow over. Falling-down drunks are held upright. Clothes blow off clothesline. BBQ is blown over—smoke from burning deck blows horizontally. Trees move rapidly. |
| 9 | 47–54 | Strong gale. Trees move slowly—across your lawn. Boring uncle says, “Windy? This is nothing. When I was young …” Your favourite toque blows off. |
| 10 | 55–63 | Whole gale. Your favourite shirt blows off. Neighbour’s gas BBQ comes through your window. Your newly sodded lawn is now someone else’s newly sodded lawn. |
| 11 | 64–75 | Storm. You regret not hiring a pro to build your chimney. Boring uncle claims, “I’ve seen worse!” and is carried off by wind. People in trailer parks appear on nightly news. Your underwear blows off. |
| 12 | Over 75 | Hurricane. Your underwear blows off while you’re indoors. People from trailer parks fly past your house. Your nose hairs whistle even when you’re not breathing. You can’t close your eyes. Even if you wanted to. |
I
recently made a new friend who’s six years older than me. He’s bright and fit and has all his hair. He may even have some of mine. He’s witty and laughs easily and the women seem to warm to him. Other guys in my situation might be jealous, but not me. This guy gives me hope. I think to myself that when I get to his age, I’ll be just like that. I get thinking that the current balding, overweight, boring me is just a phase I’m going through, and if I can just wait it out by finding an interesting hobby like watching television, I’ll eventually change from a slug in a grungy cocoon to a stylish butterfly like my new buddy. Maybe old age is like going through puberty. But in reverse.
A
lways take a close look at any gift you receive on your birthday or at Christmastime because it might well contain a hidden message. Here are a few examples:
• A full-length mirror
• A comb
• Dry-cleaning coupons
• A car air freshener
• A tube of whitening toothpaste
• A dog-training DVD
• A job offer in Africa
• A skateboard
• Nose hair clippers
• A gift pack of bath soap and disinfectant
• A lawn mower
I
n my experience, nothing is all good or all bad. It’s always a mix of the two in various quantities. Even good manners can have a bad side. I’m thinking about the good manners of not arguing with a family member who is always spouting his theories of human behaviour and galactic interaction. I know it may be impolite to disagree, but by saying nothing, we are implying to Uncle Bob that we agree with him, and that can be a very dangerous message. His ridiculous viewpoints get even more entrenched and his determination to express them increases. When you see a loudmouth in person or on television, you can be pretty sure he comes from a family of people who were just too darned polite for their own good. So if you’ve got someone like that in your house, please be rude to him at every opportunity. Otherwise, you’re forcing the rest of us to do it for you, and that’s not polite.
Smoke from the Grill, Rad, or Hoses
This is actually not smoke. It’s steam. It can be caused by one of two things: Something Being There or Something Not Being There.
The Something Being There category includes anything that overheats the engine or impedes the flow of water through the engine cooling system, such as a small dead rodent or work sock wedged inside one of the hoses; a seventy-five-foot house trailer hooked to the rear bumper of a Nash Metropolitan on the upside of Pikes Peak; a gaping hole in the rad as the result of rear-ending a pole vaulter; a solid block of ice clogging the rad tubing (mainly in winter); the desert sun at noon in July; a large, furry rodent-type
creature embedded in the radiator cooling fins; a thermostat rusted shut from never being serviced or replaced in the thirty years the car has been in your family.