The Heartbreak Cafe (47 page)

Nina
gulped, not sure now whether or not she wanted to hear it.
‘Fine.’

Ella
cleared her throat. ‘To be honest, the first thing that crossed my
mind was that it must be my doughnut delivery,’ she began. ‘Or a
delivery of some kind – it isn’t unusual to find fresh stock on the
doorstep of the café so early in the morning ...’

Nina sat
for a moment in silence after Ella had finished recounting step by
step the events of that morning thirty years before, how she’d
found the cardboard box on the step and had initially thought that
someone local had left her yet another sad case to take care of –
to the subsequent arrival of the GP, and investigations from Frank,
who Nina recognised from the café, when he popped in now and again
for coffee and a sausage roll. She’d served the older policeman a
number of times and he’d never let on a thing.

She shook
her head at Ella; hardly unable to take it all in. ‘I still can’t
believe you thought I was a box of doughnuts.’

The older
woman hugged her. ‘I know – but you soon let me know I was barking
up the wrong tree.’

‘
But to think that my own father would just … throw me away
like that,’ she continued, fresh tears in her eyes.

‘
Well as I said, it’s all too easy to be judge and jury until
you know the whole story,’ Ella repeated pointedly. ‘And there’s a
little more to it.’ She sighed. ‘Here’s the thing. Patrick…your dad
… he’s not quite the same as everybody else you know.’

Nina
snorted. ‘That’s an understatement.’

‘
No I know what you’re thinking and it’s not like that. How can
I put this…?’ She paused for a moment before speaking again. ‘For
instance, think about what you’re going through right now. You’re
hurt, deeply emotional, and feeling really bad. Well, your dad … he
doesn’t experience that.’

‘
I know, he’s a heartless bastard.’

‘
Actually you’re wrong. Your father does indeed have a heart.
He’s just not very good at showing it – actually he may be
incapable of showing it.’ Nina was silent as she tried to decipher
what Ella was telling her. ‘Patrick looks at things somewhat …
differently from the rest of us – in truth, a lot differently.’
Ella seemed to struggle with her words. ‘For instance, you know how
he works on his TVs and all that? Takes things apart and puts them
back together in perfect working order?’

Nina
nodded, not understanding where this was going. ‘Exactly, he’s
weird; he pays more attention to those damn TVs than he does to his
own flesh and blood. If I even am that,’ she added then, another
thought suddenly occurring to her. ‘Was that it?’ she asked Ella.
‘Is that why Mum married him? Was she pregnant with somebody else’s
child and that’s why he hates me?’

‘
No no no – your imagination is working overtime now. It’s
nothing at all like that. As I told you before your father adored
your mother and of course you’re his daughter.’

‘
Pity,’ she spat.

‘
Look just try and concentrate on what I’m telling you. Patrick
is your father but he’s not the same as most people. He doesn’t
have the ability to form strong bonds or emotional relationships
with lots of different people like you or I do. Usually, people
like him can only concentrate on one at a time – first Cathy and
then you, although that did take time.’

‘
What do you mean, people like him?’

‘
Okay, let me try and explain this. Have you ever heard of
Asperger’s Syndrome?’

Nina
frowned. ‘You mean like autism?’

‘
It can be considered a version of autism, but a milder, more
behavioural form. Of course, I’m not an expert on any of this, but
I think there is a good chance that your father has what’s
described as Adult Asperger’s.’

Nina
looked at her, dumbfounded.

Ella
continued. ‘As I said I’m no expert, but remember I told you that
my older daughter Carly works as a special needs assistant? Well,
she told me a few years ago that when learning about the
characteristics of this particular behavioural condition that your
dad kept popping into her mind – his awkwardness amongst other
people, inability to read social cues, his repetitive routines,
that kind of thing. I mentioned it to your mother and she read up
on it and agreed that yes it was a possibility.’

‘
My father is autistic and nobody ever told me?’

‘
No, no – it’s completely different from the kind of thing
you’re thinking. It’s more of a behavioural … impairment if you
like, in that your dad is perfectly capable of what is generally
considered a normal life, but with some differences. Those
differences being that he has limited capability for emotions and
the kind of personal ties most of us form naturally. As you
probably know yourself, Patrick’s mind processes everything as
black and white, and if there is a problem he takes the logical
approach towards fixing it.’

‘
So I was a problem?’ Nina said icily, not sure what to think.
How could she not have known about this before now?

‘
Of course you weren’t, not to someone who has a prior
understanding of what a newborn is going to be like, and certainly
not to someone who understands that new mums can be affected by
motherhood differently.’

‘
I don’t follow ...’

‘
Well as you know this was a very small village back then and
it was no secret that your mother … struggled a little after you
were born. Perhaps she might have explained this to you before?’
When Nina shook her head, Ella went on. ‘Baby blues usually sorts
itself out after a time or with the right medication. But your
father – he didn’t understand that. You must remember that while
Patrick always marched to his own beat as such, the one thing that
he was truly passionate about was your mother. He loved her so much
when they were younger, and I’d imagine he still does. So when you
came along … well as I said, Cathy was finding things a bit tougher
than expected and this troubled him.’

‘
She had some kind of postnatal depression?’

Ella
nodded. ‘Exactly. Completely natural, completely normal, but your
dad didn’t see it that way, he saw that your mum was tearful and
sad and this had only begun after you arrived. So in his own
logical way, he decided to take it upon himself to try and solve
the problem – his thinking I suppose being that clearly Cathy
didn’t understand how to deal with a baby. So he decided to leave
you with someone who did.’

‘
Which is why he left me here – at the café.’

‘
My lot running around the place were a common sight back
then.’ Ella smiled sadly. ‘And of course, everyone knows the way I
am about children and animals and all the rest of it, so as far as
your dad was concerned who better? If you think about it, and maybe
try and see things through his eyes, he thought what he was doing
was for the best – for both you and Cathy.’

Nina
stared into the distance, still not quite sure how to process this.
Seen like that, yes, it certainly did seem less hurtful but still
…

‘
Really, it didn’t take too much investigating; the place was
small and it didn’t take long for Frank to figure out who you
belonged to. Besides, your mother was frantic.’

‘
But why wasn’t my dad arrested?’

‘
Because most of us knew he was that little bit … different, I
suppose.’ She smiled. ‘Frank figured it out faster than the rest of
us, and went to have a quiet chat with your dad. He was a good
friend of your grandfather’s when he was alive, and was aware of
Patrick’s … different way of seeing things from a very young age.
Of course there was no label for it anything, yet still people knew
his motives were honest. So realistically how could anyone arrest
him? Especially when he was only doing what he thought was right.
In any case, your mother wouldn’t hear of it.’

‘
She defended him?’ Nina said, freshly aghast.
‘Why?’

‘
Well, I suppose you’re going to have ask her about
that.’

Nina was
silent for a moment. ‘So the whole town knew he had this Asperger’s
thing?’

‘
Of course not – there are no hard and fast rules for diagnosis
and even now one can’t say for sure. The condition itself has only
recently been discovered and it’s a tough one to identify, whereas
back then it was impossible as it was completely unheard of. As it
is, if it wasn’t for Carly we still might not have even considered
it.’

Nina
nodded, something in her brain clicking into place when she thought
about her father’s behaviour. The highly regimented timekeeping,
habitual behaviour and of course, his complete and utter lack of
empathy. It was hard to comprehend, yet it did in a way
fit.

‘
You should understand Nina, that your dad does try but it’s
hard. I bump into him on the street occasionally and I sense he
tries to jumpstart his brain into asking the right question –
caring questions. It’s hard for him.’

‘
Funny he’s never tried that with me.’

‘
Well, perhaps there is some guilt there too, and when he sees
you he gets flustered and just doesn’t know how to deal with
it.’

‘
So this is why he freaked about the fact that I’m
pregnant?’

‘
Did he?’ Ella nodded, as if it was all very reasonable. ‘I
guess to Patrick, tiny babies mean trouble.’

Nina gave
a short laugh. ‘I suppose he might have a point there.’ Then she
shook her head. ‘I just don’t know how I’m supposed to face him
now. How do I even … deal with this?’

‘
Nina, you have the capacity to be kind, to show appreciation
and gratitude. You have close friends, close relationships, and a
good heart. Your dad has the best intentions, but he will never
have what you have and you must try and accept that. Show some
kindness, and most importantly, some understanding. Look, think of
it this way. You know the way people with autism are said to live
in their own world?’ Nina nodded. ‘Well, those with Asperger’s live
in our world, but in their own way.’

Nina
thought for a moment. ‘I need to think about all this, try and
digest it somehow and then, I really need to talk to
Mum.’

‘
You’ll do the right thing, Nina, I know you will. And of
course your mother will be better able to explain everything and
–’

But Ella
wasn’t able to finish the sentence because at that moment, Nina
reached out and roughly grabbed her arm. Then a little while later
there was a splashing sound and startled, both women stared at the
wetness on her legs and feet.

‘
Oh no,’ Nina said, unable to believe it. ‘I think my waters
just broke.’

‘
This is silly,’ Trish whispered. ‘Why are we waiting out
here?’

She and
Ruth were both leaning against the wall of the café.

‘
Because obviously this is something Nina needs to do on her
own. The poor thing. Can you imagine the shock? I hope Ella is able
to give her a good explanation.’

‘
Yeah, the explanation is that Patrick is a messed-up ...’ Her
words trailed off. ‘Oh hell …’

Ruth’s
head turned at Trish’s obvious change in tone and following her
gaze she saw a trim, nicely dressed woman walking down the street
towards them.

‘
What’s wrong?’ she asked, but there wasn’t time for an
explanation as suddenly the woman was standing right in front of
them, a scornful expression on her face.

‘
You,’ she said, addressing Trish. ‘How dare you?’

‘
Look Emer, I really don’t think this is the time or the place
–’

‘
But of course there was a time and place for sleeping with my
husband, wasn’t there?’ the woman raged, and Ruth gulped. Oh
dear…

Trish’s
face flushed and for once Ruth noticed she seemed lost for words.
‘I …I’m sorry,’ she uttered finally. ‘Believe me I had no idea that
you …I mean, I thought that you were – ’

‘
No idea that he was sleeping with me too? Oh please, spare me
the wronged mistress thing, and don’t tell me you fell for “the
wife doesn’t understand me” act? I thought you were supposed to be
smarter than that.’

‘
Honestly Emer, I didn’t know. But either way, it doesn’t
matter. It was wrong and I’m sorry but it’s over now, I told him
that.’

Hearing
this, Ruth looked at her friend with interest. Somehow she’d
presumed that even after finding out that Emer was pregnant, Trish
would have carried on the affair irrespective of his wife’s
feelings. But perhaps she did have a heart after all.

‘
Oh, how nice of you!’ Emer trilled, her voice a high falsetto.
‘So tell me this, how am I supposed to pick up the pieces? How do I
tell my daughter and my unborn child that their father is a cad who
pretends to be working for their future, but is really out with the
town whore?’

‘
Now hold on a second…’ For some reason, Ruth felt duty bound
to defend Trish, even though there was nothing to defend. But she
had never seen her friend like this before, looking so small and
ashamed and very obviously affected by it all. It was clear that
despite her bravado, Trish really did have feelings for this Dave,
married and all that he was. And learning of his wife’s pregnancy
had clearly hurt her a lot more than she’d let on.