The Lost Blogs (26 page)

First Fatimah wanted to hear stories. Now, I got crap to do and I tell Fatimah that, but she throws herself to the floor and
starts screaming over and over again. I turn to Khadija and tell her that these are her kids and can she please get Fatimah
to stop screaming, to which she just gives me “that look.” Ugh. So what do I do? Yes, once again I sit down with Fatimah,
tell her the one about the hummingbird poking holes in the blanket of the skies, thus forming the stars. It’s a long one…
but you can read it
here
if you care one bit.

So, right, back to the screaming Fatimah. She calms down. I sit down and try to just have a little time to myself when Zainab
and Ruqayah start pulling me in both directions. They want to hide and have me find ’em. So I tell ’em to go hide, figuring
I’ll have a good few hours to relax. Before long, here comes Khadija again, now railing on me for leaving the girls unattended.
Khadija, of course, has Umm Kulthum in her arms and unloads all the girls at my feet. She says something, which I don’t pay
much attention to, while the girls turn me into a donkey ride.

This is a house of estrogen, if you ask me. Sanity is running at an all-time low.

When the whole donkey ride storytime crap ended, I pulled Khadija aside and told her I had to get some quiet time to myself
or I was going to literally explode. After getting roped into watching the girls for the next few days, I was able to eke
out a night for myself…

It’s like I’m a prisoner just trying to escape!

Either way, I got my time off. Tomorrow night. I’m gonna go out to that area near Mecca with all the caves—maybe some meditation
and thought will do me some good. I just want some quiet time. No screaming kids, no pulling at my arms and legs, no responsibility.

No more voices!! That’s what I want. Total and complete serenity. May I hear nothing but only the sound of my breath and the
wind against the land. No more voices.

Aaah, if I can get that—I will be completely satisfied.

From:
http://www.julia_child.fr/foodblog/

Subject:
The Tuna Sandwich

I must admit, albeit somewhat embarrassed, but last night I was introduced to a meal they call “a tuna fish sandwich with
chips on the side.”

Dear readers, have you ever tried such a thing?

Housed in between two glorious slices of something they call “Wonder Bread” (most likely due to the wondrous taste sensation
provided to one’s taste buds by the spongy white goodness which elicits a wonderful “wow” from the eater) was a simply spectacular
lump of a fish they find deep in the ocean referred to simply as “tuna.” The texture, both disturbing and strange all at once,
is in fact—a taste sensation when combined with a heaping cup of mayonnaise. But even more spectacular was the way in which
the “side of chips” (potato, not fish as the English refer to their cod) was integrated into the meal. Instead of eating them
as if they were separate from the entire concoction—the chips were mashed and crunched into a thousand tiny salty pieces and
thrown in between the glorious Wonder Bread, in and among the smooth and silky mayonnaise-lathered tuna… Together, it was
a glory that I can honestly say is second to none.

For dessert, as if I even expected anything to top the first and only course of this unique meal, was a sweet, spongy rod
of heaven called the Winky. What winking has to do with this sweet treat I have no idea except for the fact that quite possibly
only those who know the amazing nature of this treat will “wink” to others who have experienced such a thing, keeping those
like yours truly (until yesterday) out of the secret Winky club. I must say, I shoved that golden cake filled with white opaque
frosting into my mouth as quickly as I could —I’m sure I said something to my husband, Paul, about it but he couldn’t hear
a word at all. My mouth was filled to the brim with the goodness of the Winky.

Have you, dear readers, experienced such extraordinary food goodness? I have, it seems, been so caught up in introducing the
American public to the recipes and foods of France that I have overlooked these two wonderful items of culinary perfection.
Two items that I suspect are going to shape my career and my television program.

Long live the Winky! Long live the Winky!

This is Julia, saying toodles for now… As always, if you have a recipe you think the public may fancy, feel free to
contact me
and submit your meal.

From:
http://www.nikola_tesla.com/radioblog/

Subject:
Radioblog #15

This week’s radioblog is now available
here
for download. Select transcripts from Tesla’s radioblog #15 (featuring his good friend
Mark Twain
) can be read below:

--

{snip!}

Announcer: “
Broadcasting wireless from his Houston Street laboratory in New York, transforming his powerful radio signals via his amazing
Tesla coils—it’s Nikola Tesla with his special guest Mark Twain!!
”

[Farting sound]

Tesla: “
That’s what I think of Marconi. A big smelly bag of wind!
”

Twain: “
You mean, Mar-phony, right, Tesla!
?”

Tesla: “
I invented radio. I pioneered it. Without the Tesla oscillator no one would even be trying to broadcast wireless radio signals!
Marconi is a copycat, and by him trying to get his own patents for wireless signal technology—it’s just stupid. He’s an impostor!”

Twain: “Marconi, the phony!
”

[Laughter in the background]

Tesla: “
Show me someone out there broadcasting wireless signals and then ask them how they did it. Me. Me me me me me. Anyone who
says they came up with it on their own is a total liar! LIAR! And yet people are out there listening to them, hearing them
say they came up with radio, without any knowledge that it was me who did it in the first place. It makes me ill, really
.”

Twain: “
Some people are without sense, Tesla. Don’t worry about what they think
.”

Tesla: “
You hear about that Edison fella
?”

Twain: “
Another copycat
?”

Tesla: “
I don’t get it. It pisses me off. There would be NO RADIO if it wasn’t for me. I am the KING OF ALL MEDIA! Yet all these people
go around pretending it was them. Copying my act. It’s not all about me either, I’d just like people out there to know that
what they’re hearing originated with me. I mean, if someone copied your crap—
”

Twain: “
Crap
?”

Tesla: “
You know what I mean… You’d want the world to know if someone started writing Tom Sawyer books and passing them off as their
own, right
?”

Twain: “
Oh yeah. That would make me mad
.”

[Woman’s voice, screaming]

Tesla: “
Okay. We’ll be back with some of the local ladies coming by to talk to Mark and myself after this little homage to my brand-new
pal, Marconi the phony, and the love of his life
.”

Twain: “
That’s right—now it’s time for…
”

Announcer [with booming voice]: “
MARCONI and EDISON: Stupid and Stupider!
”

{snip!}

---

For previous Tesla radioblogs, visit the
Tesla Radioblog Archives
. To visit the live show or see the Tesla coils firsthand, send an e-mail to
Nikola
.

From:
http://www.davy_crockett.com/blog/

Subject:
The Alamo

Can’t write much.

Mexican forces number in the thousands.

Defending. Fighting. Protecting.

Whether or not we are successful in our defense of the Alamo mission, history must never forget this moment in time. A cry
or saying of some kind must help those over the years remember. A rallying cry that will whip others into a frenzy in times
of war and strife…

I am not necessarily a wordsmith, but I have a few suggestions which I look to you to help spread:

“Don’t Forget This Here Place!”

“’Member the Mission!”

“This Here Place, There’s No Forgettin’ It!”

“The Ala-moans Were Numerous, the Sacrifice High.”

“Remember What Happened at This Here Mission, Do You Hear?!”

“People Died There, Oh Yes It’s True!”

“Be Mindful of the Mission!”

“Remember David Crockett—He Was There Too, You Know.”

That’s all I can write now.

My hope is to help thwart this surge of soldiers.

If I do not come out of this alive, do not forget my contributions to government and Texas.

“Ala-No no no no no!”

That one’s pretty good if you ask me.

From:
http://www.in.buddha.com/blog/

Subject:
An Open Letter to Father

I just want to come back home to the palace, Father. Pleeeeasssssee!

I know. I know I came across the “four sights”—the old crippled man and the diseased man and the decaying corpse and the ascetic,
humorless individual. I know, I know, I know how I said living a life of riches was useless to me. I know how I said that
the pleasures and wealth meant nothing to me. I know how I left my wife and my family behind for this life of being a monk
…

But… well… people make mistakes, right? Sometimes? And then, even though they made a mistake, their parents who love them
so much turn a blind eye to the mistake that was made. Right?

Please please please please please please please please please please please please thirteen hundred more times please!! Do
not keep the doors of the palace off limits to me. Open the doors and your heart to your son Gautama! Seriously. C’mon. Open
open open open open. I’m begging you. It’s not as easy out here on my own as I thought it would be.

I have no attendants like Channa waiting on me, providing for me, making sure anything I need is ready at my first thought
of it. I have no financial support. I will become a decaying corpse myself if you don’t help me out and soon!

People say things they don’t mean. When I said that the palace was a festering plot of gluttony, I wasn’t necessarily talking
about you, Father. I was just sort of, you know, playing around. A joke! You know? And when I called you the overlord of societal
decay I meant that in the best of ways. I meant, you know, that you were so far over, or above trivial things like that. And
when I said that the soul was blackened with a world of suffering—it was more like a metaphor… You know?

Not to mention, these monk robes? They rub the wrong way against my legs and give me rashes. I can hardly take three steps
without feeling the burn.

Tell my wife, Yashodhara, that I miss her and want to come home to the palace! Tell her I have tried to send her messages
but they have bounced back, unread, the same as my messages to you. You have left me no choice but to put my open letter to
you, Father, here—where the rest of the world must see how much I regret my decision.

Can I come home now? Please?

From:
http://www.jules_verne.fr/futureblog/

Subject:
A League of Their Own

You enjoyed
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
.

You reveled in the amazing journey as led by the gruff and adamant Captain Nemo! You gripped your book in fear as the gigantic
squid attacked the fortified
Nautilus
submarine! Your eyes opened wide as you glimpsed, for the very first time, the lost city of Atlantis!!

But that was just the beginning!!

Due to popular demand, I have decided to bring the next chapter of the Captain Nemo saga to bookstores everywhere. As we speak,
I am drafting the follow-up book to the amazing underwater adventure! People have said to me recently, including my well-respected
colleagues, that it is a tough story to tell. What could possibly be different from the previous story? Sure, some have suggested
it be in outer space or high above in the skies! But more underwater, they grumble! What will be so different that we will
want to come back and read more?

This one goes to 21,000.

The sequel to my book will be called
21,000 Leagues Under the Seal
There will be one full extra league of excitement! There will be one more league of mystery! And a league is a lot of extra
story landscape—it is, in actuality, 5.56 kilometers! That is 5.56 more kilometers of adventure, drama, sea creatures and
treasure!

Yes, your favorite characters will return! Yes, the darkness of the earth’s oceans will open up as it did before. But now,
there will be
3 more nautical miles
of nail-biting tension.
3 more nautical miles
of romance and heroism.
3 more nautical miles
of story!

Nautilus
will no longer just go 20,000 leagues under the sea. This time, it’ll go 21,000 leagues!

I am, of course, still rolling the idea around in my head, but what use is a digital diary if not to poll those who are fans
of your work. So, if you have any thoughts about this idea (or
yesterday’s
about
Around the World in 82 Days
) please send a message to
jules@jules_verne.fr
.

From:
http://www.lumierebrothers.fr/cinema-blog/

Subject:
Premiere of the Cinématographe!

If you’re looking at this page, you have most likely heard of the Lumière Brothers and our amazing invention called, in French,
the “Cinématographe”! An amazing new type of entertainment and technology, the Cinématograph projects moving images on a screen
in a darkened room that makes you feel as if you are right there witnessing the action!! This December 28 will mark the World
Premiere of our Amazing Films!

[
Buy tickets here for the Blockbuster Premiere of the Cinématograph!
]