The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass (24 page)

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Authors: Bill Maher

Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Political, #General, #Topic, #Political Science, #Essays

BOOK: The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass
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SEA MINUS
 
New Rule:
In order to save the government some money, let’s get rid of the Coast Guard. We already have someone guarding our coast. They’re called the Navy. The rest of your job consists of trying to keep Cubans, Haitians, and pot from reaching our shores. And you know how we know you’ve failed at that? Florida.
SEAT ME
 
New Rule:
Restaurants can’t make you wait until the rest of your party has arrived. Any restaurant that makes you wait is calling you a liar. They’re saying, “
You
have five friends? Yeah, we’ll see.” Listen up, Miss Drunk-with-Power restaurant hostess: When I say my friends are on the way,
they’re on the way.
So either show me to a table now or this is the last time I celebrate my birthday at Johnny Rockets.
SEVENTH-INNING KVETCH
 
New Rule:
Don’t name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that’s what I’ve always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi.
SHELL-SHOCKED
 
New Rule:
You don’t have to put the shells in with the clams. You don’t put the banana peel in the banana cream pie, or the eggshells in an omelet. I’ll take your word for it, you got the clams from the ocean. I don’t need a plateful of sand and the medical waste to prove it.
SHOCKER MOM
 
New Rule:
Pop star . . . or parent—but not both. We all know that Britney Spears drives with her baby bungee-corded to the roof rack. And this week, Madonna revealed that her daughter is “obsessed” with gays, and asked Madonna if she was gay, because of her infamous smooch with Britney Spears. No, honey, Mommy’s not gay—gay is everyone who still goes to Mommy’s concerts.
SHORT FUSELAGE
 
New Rule:
Supermodels should not speak to flight attendants. That’s what supermodel May Andersen did, and she was deemed “unruly,” and got arrested upon landing. Look, supermodels, it doesn’t matter what you’re saying: “Can I have a pillow?” “I like your shoes.” What the flight attendant hears is, “I’m a supermodel and you’re not. Let’s fight.”
SÍ FOOD
 
 
New Rule:
Instead of feeding your kids the new spaghetti tacos, why not save some time and just dress them in black and send them out to play on the freeway at night?
SÍ MINUS
 
New Rule:
Anti-immigration people have to admit that speaking Spanish is okay when you want something from Latinos. Americans have no trouble taking the time to learn the Spanish words that we like, such as: tequila . . . margarita . . . sangria . . . marijuana . . . and coochi.
SIS BOOM BRA
 
New Rule:
You can’t kick a cheerleader off the squad for working at Hooters. But a cheerleader at East Tennessee State was. Hello? That’s like call girls looking down on street whores. You’re a cheerleader. What part of the Hooters experience is beneath you, the wings? You both wear skimpy outfits and bounce up and down to get the sports fans excited. Just accept what you are: a farm team for strippers.
SIZE MATTERS
 
New Rule:
Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we’re really not capable of: restraint and math.
SLACKS LIKE ME
 
New Rule:
The L.L.Bean catalog doesn’t need to have a black guy in it. I know you’re trying to be inclusive, but not once in our nation’s history has a black man put on a turtleneck and wrinkle-resistant chinos, slipped on his moose-hide slippers, gone out to the mailbox, and proclaimed, “Yes! The L.L.Bean catalog is here! Now I can get that canoe I’ve always wanted!”
SLALOM CEREMONY
 
New Rule:
No more ski-slope weddings. Let’s remember what a ski-slope wedding, or a skydiving wedding, or an underwater wedding, says: “My love for you is so strong it doesn’t warrant a day off from my hobby.” On second thought, what better way to celebrate marriage: heading downhill and feeling frigid.
SLAP ON THE BECK
 
New Rule:
Liberals have to stop gloating about Glenn Beck’s falling ratings. Just because he’s lost a million viewers in six months doesn’t mean America is wising up. His average fan was eighty-nine, weighed 250 pounds, and had the blood pressure of the Deepwater Horizon. They didn’t tune out, they died.
SLAY STATION
 
New Rule:
Stop saying that violent video games are making our kids violent. It’s just not true. Although they are making our kids fat, useless assholes with the social skills of mole rats. But don’t worry, little Bobby’s not going to take the ax in the garage and slaughter his entire family . . . That would involve getting off the couch.
SO SEUSS ME
 
 
New Rule:
Conservatives must get back to their core principle of shitting on everything the first lady does. It’s been literally
hours
since Michelle Obama read
The Cat in the Hat
to a bunch of schoolchildren. Where’s the backlash? What’s the matter, did the batshitmobile break down? She was indoctrinating our kids with her Marxist feline feminazi rainy-day socialist funtime propaganda! Come on, wingnuts, this story has everything you hate: powerful black women, public schools, and books.
PEE-PEE WRONG STALKING
 
New Rule:
If a woman rejects your first dozen advances, don’t up the ante by sending her a picture of your penis. This week, we found out that Vikings quarterback Brett Favre allegedly tried to get with a young woman by sending her Myspace messages, voicemails, and notes through a friend, and when none of that worked, and it was third and long—though, not as long as most of us would have imagined—he decided to sext her pictures of Little Brett to close the deal. Brett, I get it: Your dictionary doesn’t include the word “quit” or “retire” or “married,” but you’ve got to at least understand “punt.” You know the worst part about having sex with Brett Favre? He keeps saying he’s finished, and then he comes back to drag it out for another year.
To me, this story isn’t about sports or sex or how necessary caller ID is—it’s about how pathetic and clueless white American males have become. Because the kind of guy who thinks there are women out there who just, cold, want to see your cock is the same kind of guy who thinks Sarah Palin is swell and tax cuts pay for themselves. I will explain that connection further, but first let’s just dwell for one more moment on how stupid it is to forget that in 2010 when you text someone a picture of your genitals, you’re not just sending it to that person but to every person on the planet who has access to the Internet. Somewhere right now there’s a tribesman in Samoa thinking, “Brett Favre is texting a picture of his dick to a woman?
That shit never works.

And he’s right—no woman in the history of mankind has ever wanted to see a picture of a penis. Go back to the earliest cave paintings. The very first one is of a cock, and after that they’re all antelopes and sunrises. But for some reason, men persist. Why? Because men have always been in charge, especially white men. Brett Favre is like a lot of white males: He’s owned the world for so long, he’s going a little crazy now that he doesn’t. Also, like many white men across the country, he lost his job to a Mexican.
 
If Brett Favre’s penis could talk, what would it say? Well, other than, “No photos, please,” I think it would say, “I’m not a witch. I’m you.” Because for hundreds of years, white penises
were
America. White penises founded America, they made the rules, and they called the shots in the workplace, in the home, and at the ballot box. But now the unthinkable is happening. White penises are becoming the minority: 2010 was the first year in which more minority babies were born in the U.S. than white babies. This is what conservatives are really upset about—that the president is black, and the secretary of state is a woman, and every shortstop is Latino, and every daytime talk-show host is lesbian, and suddenly this country is way off track and needs some serious “restoring.” If penises could cry—and I believe they can—then white penises are crying all over America.
And that’s where women like Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann and Christine O’Donnell come in—the lovely MILFs of the new right. And their little secret is that their popularity comes exclusively from white men. Look at the polling: Minorities hate them, women hate them—only white men like them. I’m no psychiatrist, but I do own a couch, and my theory is that these women represent something those men miss dearly: the traditional idiot housewife. If an election between Obama and Sarah Palin were held today, and only white men could vote, Sarah Palin would be president.
Did you know that in 1788, when there were four million people in America, only thirty-nine thousand of them—the rich white men—got to vote? That doesn’t sound good to you? Well, what if I threw in a picture of my cock? Which brings me back to Brett Favre, and I think it’s worth noting that in one of the alleged photos of him, he’s pleasuring himself on a bed while wearing Crocs. And if you think about it, is there any better metaphor for the sad state of America today than an over-the-hill white guy lazily masturbating in plastic shoes?
 
 
—October 15, 2010
 
SODA JERKS
 
New Rule:
As far as I’m concerned, Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr Pepper still doesn’t have enough shit going on. I need
Caffeine-free
Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr Pepper. No, I need Cool Ranch Extreme Caffeine-free Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr Pepper.
Baked.
And I want a sticker on it, telling kids that drugs are bad.

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