The Other Man (The Other Man Series Book 1) (14 page)

No, no, no, that wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

He wasn’t supposed to be so mad at me.

Daisy barked, scratching at the back door, begging to come in. He moved to let her inside but I was frozen to the spot.

I
had
to make him see that he was first for me now.

First, and only.

“I’ll be filing for divorce. I’m not staying with her, I’m not sleeping with her. Fuck it, I’ve probably said no more than a hundred words to her in months!” I explained, when he returned to the hallway.

“Then you need to leave! Or she needs to leave!”

“You don’t get to make that decision for me,” I spat, losing patience with the whole conversation. I mean, I’d been home less than a day and I already wanted to say ‘fuck it all’ and go away again. When did people become so difficult? Realistically, I knew he was right, but throwing it in my face all the time didn’t help the confusion swirling in my brain. One way or another, I was fucking someone over. I already knew, deep in my gut, that I would be going home and packing my things for good. Thinking about Carlie’s reaction though, sent my stomach twisting in panic.

“You’re a coward, Blake. That’s the truth of it and if you thought anything of me
at all
, you would have made sure she was long gone before you came back to me. I
know
things have been tough for you, but for crying out loud...
man up!
Cut ties and be done with it. It’s not like she’s going to stick around for long once she realises that you’re gay.”

Without thought, my back shot straight and I barked, “I’m
not
fucking gay.”

I blinked in shock. Then blinked again.

One of Zach’s eyebrows rose and I tried my best to ignore how fucking sexy that tiny movement was. Every - single - thing the man did, messed with my head.

“You’re not? Then what are you? Because I’m pretty sure I have a cock, and I’m even surer that you were jacking it not ten minutes ago.”

“That’s...it’s...I,” I stuttered. He stayed silent and I managed to pull myself together, at least on the outside. “It’s just...you.”

His face softened and I winced.

Way to reveal everything, Blake.

“Isn’t that the point, Blake? You can’t keep us both, you know that. It’s not fair of you to
expect
that. What we’re doing right now is wrong, we both feel it every time we’re together, so you need to make a decision and stick to it. Can you give up on a marriage of ten years, to a woman you still love? Or you can you go back to her fully, knowing that if you do, I’ll let you go. I’m not going to fight your decision if you need to give up on us. Three months was hard because I was waiting for you. Knowing you’re never coming back would be a different story, I’d deal with it. I know your guilt is killing you right now, but don’t be thinking that it isn’t just as bad for me. Carlie was my friend. Yet, I’m stabbing her in the back every time she comes to the gym and I plaster a fake smile on my face to mask the fact that I’m jealous as fuck that
she’s
the one who gets to share your bed every night. I hate that I feel like that and the guilt, it burns inside me,” the pain in his voice made me blanch. “But I put up with it, for you, for us. That can’t go on forever though, it’s too much and we’ll be causing more pain for everyone in the long run. So Blake, the choice is yours.”

“Why are you doing this, Zach? Why now? You already know I want you.”

He looked incredulous and shook his head, “Why am I doing this? Fucking hell, sometimes you can be so stupid. I
waited
for you. Four months, Blake and my loyalty never faltered once. Yet you leave for all that time, come back to me with a smile and promises of trying this with me, when your fucking wife is still waiting at home for you! I really thought you were just struggling to deal with everything but it isn’t that. You really are just behaving like a kid throwing his dummy out the pram. You said you needed time and I gave it to you. Instead of using that time to get your head together, you ran away and came full circle. Now we’re right back where we were at the beginning. I deserve more than that, as much as I don’t like her behaviour lately, so does Carlie.”

“You think I don’t know that?” I asked, genuinely. “
I didn’t ask her to come back, Zach!
I came home and came
to you
. I don’t want her, I want you and I’m changing my whole life for you, everything about me.”

He interrupted, “And there’s your problem. I’m not asking you to change anything about yourself for me. You think that you wanting to be with me is about change because I’m a man. It’s not. You don’t just wake up one day and decide you’re gay, Blake. It’s always been there and yeah, maybe I gave you the permission you needed to explore it but isn’t an illness and I didn’t cause it.”

He was wrong. So, so wrong and I told him so. He shook his head like he didn’t believe me, so I explained.

“Remember that magazine you bought me as a joke?” He nodded, so I continued. “Do you know that I actually read it? I have
never
been attracted to a man, Zach. Never even looked twice. The things I read, the pictures I looked at and -
I shuddered
- the videos I watched online. They made me sick to my stomach. It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever experienced. Do you think I think of you that way? Or that I ever could? I wasn’t hiding a part of myself for thirty-five years. That part of me just didn’t exist. Maybe I am gay and maybe I’m not, but it’s not the label that bothers me because I don’t care what people think. I felt like I needed to work out why I have such a powerful reaction to you but then I realised that it just doesn’t matter. If my attraction to you is that powerful, I can ignore the fact that you’re the same sex as me, it’s never going to go away, Zach. I don’t have any decisions to make. I’m already with you. This delay isn’t about keeping you both, it’s about doing damage control to make sure that Carlie doesn’t get hurt more than she obviously will. I’ve done some bad things recently but I’m not a bad person and I’m just trying to protect her.”

He nodded slowly, “Ok. I’m sorry. You have to admit that it looks bad, Blake. You say all the right things but actions speak louder than words and you’re not moving anywhere.”

He had a point.

“I’ll prove it to you then.”

“When?” He questioned.

When? That was a good question. I wanted to say I would prove it right then. That I’d go home, tell Carlie we were done, grab my things and leave. But that was both unrealistic, and slightly cruel on Carlie’s behalf. The thought made my heart squeeze and thump heavily in my chest. I might not be in love with her anymore, but I would never hate her. You don’t throw away ten years without pain, that much I knew, but I just wanted to minimise it.

“A week,” I decided. “Give me a week.”

“One week, Blake. I’m too far gone to keep hanging on to something that isn’t mine. I was fine without you for twenty-seven years, and I’ll be fine again. I’m not some lost puppy that’s going to follow you around. One week.”

As much as I despised the thought of him being just fine without me, I understood. He wasn’t lying either, the force behind his words and the determination written all over his face said he’d give up on us if I didn’t fix things within a week.

A week.

Right, because it always came down to time.

I kissed him and left, not wanting to hang around anymore with the tension growing. We were only keeping a loose hold on that line between fucking and fighting and I wasn’t willing to push it.

The following day at home, I paced the lounge. I’d managed to avoid her the day before but that plan wasn’t going to last long. Carlie was in the shower and when she called my name, I went. Shouting through the bathroom door, I asked what she needed but my jaw dropped when the door swung open and she stood naked in front of me. Hand on hip, she tilted her head, “I forgot my towel, could you go and grab it for me please?”

She smiled.

Speechless, I nodded in silence and moved away.

Even when we were happy, she didn’t do things like that. I knew it was a game. Her way of proving that I still wanted her. Honestly, I did. She was beautiful and she worked damn hard to keep her body so perfect. But I’d learnt the difference between want and need already. Wanting to have sex with someone is just a drop in the ocean compared the how it feels when your body is consumed with need.

So her naked body caused no reaction. Anything I felt for her disappeared a long time ago.

“Here,” I handed her the towel but she made no move to cover herself.

Dragging her teeth along her bottom lip, she blinked in false innocence.

“Do you um, want to join me?”

Fuck.

Shit, fuck and damn. She left me with no choice.

“No,” I sighed. “No, Carlie I don’t. Finish your shower, we need to talk.”

Her lower lip trembled but her eyes were dry and she slowly dragged the towel upwards to cover her skin. I didn’t hang around to talk any further, I jogged down the stairs and threw myself down on the sofa. I was dreading what had to happen. When I heard the shower shut off, I sat up and braced my elbows on my knees.

She came down in her gym gear, with a clean towel draped over her arm.

“Where are you going?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Gym.”

“No, Carlie, wait. We need to talk,” I reminded her.

She waved her hand in the air as though it wasn’t important, “We can talk later.”

“No, we’ll talk now.”

“Listen, Blake. I have things to do, whatever it is can wait. I won’t be too long just two or three hours,” I interrupted her.

“You walk out that door right now and it really doesn’t matter how long you’re gone because I won’t be here when you get back.”

“Oh? Are you going out?”

As much as she was pretending to be clueless, no one could be that stupid. She wanted me to spell it out? I’d do it.

“No, I’m leaving. For good.”

She laughed, “You forget, honey. I tried that. It doesn’t work.”

“Carlie, you
pretended
that you were leaving me, to try and make me beg you to stay. You were playing mind games and you lost. We’ve been over for a long time, it just took me a while to realise it. Why are you being
this
person?”

The ditzy facade finally fell.

“Why? Why, Blake? Let me see. Could it be because I don’t want you to leave? I don’t want to give up on us. I don’t want to be divorced. I don’t want to have to learn how to live life
on my own
. Some lonely spinster with ten cats! I don’t even like cats!”

“Have you heard yourself? It’s all about image with you! You don’t want me to leave because you’re worried that it will make
you
look bad. People will pity you. Well you’re just going to have to get the fuck over it. I’ve put up with this shit for long enough now. We’re making each other miserable and it’s not fair on either one of us. Do you honestly think that being on your own for a while is worse than spend the rest of your life with a man you don’t love? Hell Carlie, you don’t even
like
me!”

“I like you! I love you!” She cried, losing her grip on control.

“No, darling. You love the
thought
of me. You love the thought of all your friends and family looking in from the outside and seeing the picture of perfection. Oh look how lucky Carlie is to have the perfect home, the perfect husband, the perfect life. You can’t stand the thought of anyone knowing that we failed. That
you
failed, because you don’t give a fuck about me and I’m not sure you ever did,” I never raised my voice but that didn’t mean my words didn’t cut through the room like a sharp blade.

“It’s not true! You’re twisting everything. You just want to leave because, because…well I don’t know why! But I’m not giving up that easily. You think we’re over but we’re not.”

Apparently, my words weren’t working. Then Zach’s speech flashed through my mind and I said, “Fine. Words don’t mean anything to you. Maybe actions will. I don’t love you any more, Carlie and I will
not
be coming back,” I grabbed the bag of clothes I’d thrown together and headed for the door.

“You can’t leave!” She screamed. “You can’t because...I - I - I, I’m pregnant!”

I tripped over my feet and stumbled forward, swinging around to face her. She looked as shocked as I did.