The Regal Rules for Girls (47 page)

During my first summer in England, I read a fantastic new novel
²
set in London—the themes of which were keeping me permanently distracted. Aside from a rather elaborate murder plot, the book was about an American girl who’d regularly head to Hyde Park at sunrise to watch the early morning joggers go by. Of course, it wasn’t long before she caught the eye of a dashing upper-class English boy who happened to be running past her—and soon the two of them were madly in love. Aside from the getting up at dawn part, I was hoping to see if this approach might work for me.

But no such luck.

I’d patiently sit on
my
park bench for hours upon hours—watching people jog around the duck pond or row along the Serpentine; watching children with their adorable school uniforms clamber around on the Princess Diana Memorial Playground. I knew some of these humans had to be English, but it was as if an invisible glass wall existed between us—keeping our worlds divided. And soon I came to realize that meeting people in England simply by “catching their eye” was pure and utter fiction.

Like it or not, in England you don’t strike up casual conversation with strangers. You just don’t. You could sit next to the same person on the same train for twenty-five years, and you still
wouldn’t dare speak to them. Anyone who breaks this inherent English rule is deemed dangerous at best.

In large American cities, everyone comes and goes so quickly that there is a general openness to new blood and new friendships. But in London, everyone is already firmly and happily ensconced in their college social circle, so there is very little incentive for them to make new friends.

And unlike Americans, who will happily introduce themselves to anyone who makes eye contact (and even to those who don’t), Brits wait to be formally introduced. As I mentioned before, there is actually an embarrassment in certain English circles of introducing anyone to anyone, because of course everyone is supposed to know everyone already. If they don’t know someone or that someone’s family—it means that long ago (sometimes even centuries ago) that family was deemed not worth knowing. The whole American idea of “networking” is looked down upon with contempt because to the Brits it implies a certain degree of social climbing. Anyone attempting to mix outside of their circle must be suspect or they wouldn’t have to attempt it in the first place.

I’d lived in London quite a while before I began to comprehend this antiquated British thinking. When I was doing my master’s degree, I remember asking the registrar if there was any kind of student directory so I could find out who was in my class and keep in touch with them. The British university administrator looked at me like I was absolutely crazy.

“That information is
confidential
,” she told me snootily.

Circa 2002, all my American friends were on MySpace and Friendster, yet when I extended electronic invites to my London friends, every single one of them refused. They just didn’t get the idea of connecting with people—even people they knew! But ever so slowly the landscape changed and a small tipping point was
achieved. Before I knew what was happening, English friends were inviting
me
to join this cool new thing called Facebook. (I have to admit that my very first Facebook invite came from my now sister-in-law—who is English.)

But the initial reason the Brits liked Facebook so much was because they viewed it as something socially exclusive—another fun way to let some people in and keep others out—the very definition of their beloved class system. (There is a joke that says if you place three Englishmen in a room, they will create an exclusive club for two.) But the good news is that technology and, dare I say it, the rise of the meritocracy is breaking down these barriers. And what do you know—suddenly the English are networking with the rest of us, which means more than ever before, they are willing to befriend an American. (They just won’t share their life story within minutes of making your acquaintance.)

IDEAS FOR MAKING BRITISH FRIENDS:

1. Get a job. If you can’t get a job, get an unpaid internship. Start volunteering. Just do something that will take you away from other Americans and allow you to mix with real British people.
   
2. Live with British people. (See
   Chapter 1
   .)
   
3. Throw a cocktail party and invite your office mates—the rule being that they must invite at least one other person that no one else knows. You’ll find that the Brits are secretly very curious about American holiday traditions, so the more American the party—the larger the turnout will be. (See
   Parable #8
   .) If you can’t squeeze everyone into your flat, organize an evening picnic in a local park. In bad weather, congregate at a
   local pub or book the upstairs bar at the Texas Embassy—it’s free and it’s one of the best American bar spaces in the city.
   www.texasembassy.com
   
4. Organize a neighborhood get-together. Brits are so socially reserved that they usually don’t know any of their neighbors, even if they want to. So take the lead. Print out some invites and slide them under all the doors in your building or into all the mailboxes on your street. When I lived in Maida Vale, I organized a singles party this way, stating “You don’t have to be single, as long as you bring someone who is.” My British flatmates were certain no one would show up. In the end, our garden was filled with nearly fifty people—the party went on far into the night and spilled into all the adjoining flats on our hall. The Brits
   want
   to meet people—they just don’t know how!
   
5. Get a dog. I know it’s a lifetime commitment, but the minute I had a pooch with me, suddenly England seemed like America—strangers were absolutely clamoring to talk to me, and now I know at least twenty people in my neighborhood. London has one of the largest and most innovative puppy rescue centers in the world. Check it out (also good for volunteering): Battersea Dogs and Cats Home,
   www.battersea.org.uk
   . (Queen Victoria was their first ever patron.)
   
6. Go Scottish dancing. I realize this is like the third time I’ve mentioned this, but I’m telling you—the benefits abound. (See “More Regal Hunting Grounds,”
   page 169
   .)
   
7. Start a book club. Everyone wants to join a book club, but no one ever gets around to starting one. This is where you come
   in. Choose a book that you love (best to start with something you know to be good rather than dragging readers through something awful), invite a handful of people, and again, tell them to invite one other person no one else knows. Hold your first meeting at a fun venue like the Lanesborough Hotel’s Library Bar,
   www.lanesborough.com/#culinary_experience/library_bar
   , or the Book Club Bar,
   www.wearetbc.com
   .
   

   After the first meeting, take turns choosing books and venues. Don’t beat yourselves up if you stop talking about the book after five minutes and drink wine for the rest of the night. (FYI: another fun literary night out is Book Slam,
   www.bookslam.com
   .)
   

8. Join the Fulham Women’s Institute (WI). Founded in 1915, the Women’s Institute is kind of like the UK equivalent of the Junior League. Traditionally, the WI attracted a much older crowd, until a few years ago, when a group of London twenty-somethings in the SW area decided to create “a modern women’s group with a traditional ethos.” They throw great balls and do excellent charity work—you can’t go wrong.
   www.fulhamwi.org.uk
   

Expat Groups

There are quite a few American women’s groups in London. While it can be tempting to reach out to these groups right away, keep in mind that it may not help your immersion into English life, as many members end up socializing only with other Americans. If you do decide to join one, make sure you do at least one thing from the list above as well.