The Regal Rules for Girls (7 page)
FOUR SURE SIGNS OF UK UPPER-CLASS SPEECH:
The word “real” has two syllables.
They pronounce “house” to rhyme with “mice.”
They say “gel” rather than “girl.”
“White wine” sounds like “wait wain.”
If you want to know what an upper-class English accent sounds like, just watch any movie starring Hugh Grant or Rupert Everett and listen to their voices. This accent is what’s known as “BBC English,” “the Queen’s English,” “Oxford English,” or “Upper Received Pronunciation” (URP) and is generally considered to be the
prestige
English accent, as it has been the accent of those with power, money, and influence since the early twentieth century.
(If you want to know what a working-class accent sounds like, watch something like
The Full Monty
,
Layer Cake
, or
Snatch
. There is nothing wrong with this accent—however, this book will focus primarily on the haunts and habits of those who speak with the URP.)
It’s amazing, really—how the English can sum up another English person’s entire family background (and hence their entire family’s financial worth) simply by hearing how he or she pronounces certain words.
But the good news is that the Brits can’t pigeonhole us Americans,
because our accents give absolutely nothing away. Therefore, it doesn’t matter in the slightest if you’re from a poor background or a wealthy one; went to private school or public school; were raised by West Coast hippies or old money New Englanders.
Your accent—be it from the Bronx, Texas, Wisconsin, or a tiny mountain town in Colorado—doesn’t come with any kind of class label, and the Brits cannot instantly judge you by the sound of it. They might be able to tell
where
in America you’re from, but they can’t tell anything about your socioeconomic background. To the Brits, you’re a blank slate.
So as long as you maintain good manners, watch what you say, and conduct yourself with grace and poise, your neutral American accent will allow you to move through the upper echelons of English society at lightning speed. It’s sad to say, but a working-class Brit would never be able to attain such rapid social mobility, because of the unbreakable accent barriers that still exist in the UK. But if you’re American? London is your oyster.
Still, just because your US accent is neutral doesn’t mean you can say whatever you like. Far from it. There are still plenty of rules to follow if you want to be warmly enveloped by the crème of British society.
DANGER WORDS (AKA WORDS TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS):
“lounge,” “front room,” “living room,” “couch,” “settee” (I don’t know why this particular part of the house causes such offense, but nevertheless, to avoid English shudders you should simply say “sitting room” or “sofa.”)
“serviette” (Always say “napkin.” Even if you’re in France. Don’t ask me why.)
“West End show” (Always say that you’re going to the “theater.”)
“Pardon?” (Always say “I didn’t catch that” or “Sorry?” or even just simply “What?”)
“Nice to meet you” or “Lovely to meet you” (Always say “How do you do?” This is a big one. Apparently, forgetting this rule when she first met the royal family nearly ruined things for Kate’s mother, Carole Middleton.)
“dessert” (Say “pudding”—even if it doesn’t resemble anything close to pudding.)
The T-word
Apparently saying the word “toilet” is just as jarring to an upper-class English ear as the f-word. In fact, I get the impression that they would actually prefer to hear the f-word. Bottom line? Never say “toilet.” Ever. Not when referring to the bathroom; not even when referring to the porcelain bowl itself. You must say “loo”: where is your loo; may I use your loo; the cat fell into the loo; he never remembers to put the loo seat down; I think we’re out of loo paper. This rule is not optional; it’s imperative.
Attempting to adopt English slang is another habit that is not going to do you any favors, since most slang has lower-class connotations. That said, you should avoid the following:
“mate” (Just say “friend” like a normal person.)
“cheers” (Unless you’re making a toast, “thank you” will suffice.)
“uni” (Just say “university”; don’t say “college” or “school,” as this means high school in the UK.)
“tea” or “supper” when you really mean dinner (Just say “dinner.”)
“two month,” “three pound,” and so on (Forgetting to use plural forms is just poor grammar. Just because people in the North of England are doing it doesn’t mean you should.)