The Regret Series Complete Collection Box Set: Lost to You, Take This Regret, and if Forever Comes (72 page)

And for the first time in weeks, I wanted something other than to sleep.

I wanted to breathe.

Chapter Fifteen

Christian

Present Day, Early October

On Friday morning, I pulled into Elizabeth’s driveway to pick Lizzie up for school and put the car in park. Still gripping the steering wheel, I stared at nothing through the windshield. Agitation curled through my consciousness. My leg bounced. God, I was about to lose it.

After what Lizzie had revealed to me Monday night, a sense of desperation had taken over. I’d been backed against a wall. Pinned as I watched the clock spin away. I was running out of time. I knew it. Felt it. If I didn’t do something, I was really going to lose Elizabeth. The woman I would love for all my life. The woman who belonged to me, even if she no longer knew how to give herself to me.

Tuesday night, after I knew Lizzie would be in bed, I came here. I paced outside Elizabeth’s door like some kind of obsessed stalker. But I was obsessed, obsessed with taking back
my family. I couldn’t let them slip away. That realization had given me the nerve to ring the doorbell. I knew she was standing on the other side of the door. I knew she was there, willing me to leave. And I just stood there. Waiting. Waiting for her. The way I’d been waiting for her all these months.

The longest time passed before the door had finally swung open. Her attention had been trained on the ground, her hair falling all around her as she’d hidden her face from me.

I’d stooped down and peered up at her, trying to capture her gaze, to finally make her
see
. I needed her to look, to
remember
.

I’d whispered her name.
Elizabeth
. In her name was everything I felt, the devotion to her that would forever consume my life, the wounds that still ached, and the striking need to feel her touch that would never leave me.

In it was all of my love.

God, how much did I love the broken woman who’d stood in front of me?

For one second, she’d given in and had met my gaze with a shakiness that wouldn’t seem to let her go.

Wide, intense eyes stared at me from across her threshold. It was the shortest blip of time, but in it, we’d been frozen, as if the lives we were supposed to be living played in fast forward between us. Or maybe it was on rewind.

Just as soon as she opened her eyes to me, they’d slammed closed, shut it off, blocked me out. She flinched back, as if looking at me caused her physical pain.

Who knew one expression could cut me so deep?

Still, I’d pressed on, pushed her. “We need to talk,” I’d said, stretching out a hand that so desperately wanted to touch her. But I’d held it back, knew I could only ask her for so much.

“I can’t.” Her voice was laced in agony. Apparently even that was asking her for too much.

But those two words had lacked all the venom that had filled the last real interaction we’d had, even if the result of them had still been brutal. Elizabeth, once again, shut down my efforts.

Every spoken word since I first left her house had been uttered with zero emotion, just plans made between us for our daughter. Nothing more.

This had been more.

“Please,” I’d said with my heart feeling as if the life was being squeezed out of it. “I can’t let us go, Elizabeth. Talk to me. Tell me.”

She’d shaken her head, whispered, “I’m so sorry.” Tears clogged the words, and she stumbled over a pained, “I can’t.” Then she stepped back and closed her door.

I’d stood on the other side of it for minutes, maybe hours, having no idea what direction to turn. Did I force her, risk the possibility of things escalating, blowing up the way they had the day I left? Did I risk having her
say
it, Elizabeth telling me she no longer loved me?

But even if she said it, I wouldn’t believe her.

I saw it in that one second she opened those brown eyes to me. She still belonged to me. Even if she couldn’t see it.

I exhaled, heavy and hard, shut off my car, and climbed out. I plodded up her sidewalk and rang the doorbell.

A few seconds later, the door swung open to Elizabeth.

My breath caught.

It didn’t matter how many days I’d stood at her door to pick up our daughter, it was always the same.

Intense longing exploded at my ribs, something that spoke of the regrets that would forever haunt my life, and the
hopes that still flamed for my future. Elizabeth was in every single one of them.

Urges slammed me, ones that shouted for me to reach out, to take her. To do
something
.

Instead, I stepped back, gave her the space she demanded that was getting harder and harder to afford.

“Good morning, Elizabeth,” I said, something I’d done all week, something that felt like progress, even though it was the most pathetic show of it.

At least I opened my mouth.

I bit back the incredulous laughter that stirred in my chest.

Pathetic
was right.

I knew I had to do something, but I was pinned against that wall, and I didn’t know how to break from it. How did I push back? How did I mount a battle when she wouldn’t allow me the chance to fight for her?

She cast me a wary glance. “Good morning,” slipped from her cautious lips. Then she turned away, looked toward the stairs, the way she did every morning. “Lizzie, sweetheart, your daddy is here.”

“Coming.”

This morning, Lizzie immediately appeared, her grin wider than I’d seen in so long. She rushed downstairs and ran to throw her arms around me. “Good morning, Daddy!” Excitement buzzed from her as she bounced.

A chuckle escaped me as I hugged her back. “Well, isn’t someone happy this morning.”

She lifted that sweet face to me as she hugged me around my waist. “I get to go to my first sleepover tonight!”

Curious, I turned my attention to Elizabeth.

She was smiling down at Lizzie. Really smiling. Then she peeked up at me. “I was going to talk to you about that this morning and make sure you were okay with it. Lizzie was invited to spend the night at Adriana’s house tonight for her birthday. I figured you wouldn’t mind since she was going to stay here tonight anyway.”

Lizzie jumped up and down. “Oh please, Daddy…I really really really wanna go!”

I laughed a little harder and ruffled a hand in her hair. “Well, I guess if you really really really want to go, I’ll have to let you,” I teased.

“Yay! Thank you, Daddy!”

She turned around and barreled into Elizabeth, squeezing her around the waist in a fierce hug. “Thank you, Mommy!”

Gentle laughter seeped from Elizabeth. “Of course, sweetheart.” Then Elizabeth softened into the embrace, her hold tight as she clutched Lizzie to her, then stroked an affectionate hand through the long locks of Lizzie’s hair. Palpable emotion swelled between them. “You have a fantastic day, my sweet girl. I’ll be thinking about you.”

Lizzie had her face buried in her mother’s stomach, the words muffled as she hugged her a little closer. “Okay, I will.”

I drew in a faltering breath. Thankfulness surged. God, seeing the two of them like this, the love shared between them, it was as if it healed a small piece of the wounds still smoldering inside me.

With a soft smile, Elizabeth nudged her back. “Go on or you’ll be late.”

Turning, Lizzie rushed out into the day. “Let’s go, Daddy!” She grabbed my hand and began to lead me down the walkway. Still lost in the sensations that had swirled between my
girls, I hazarded a glance over my shoulder. Elizabeth watched us go. For the first time, she didn’t look away.

I slowed to a stop, just before we rounded the corner to the driveway. I stared at the woman I was so desperate to put back together. Still, I was at a loss at how to do it.

Unmistakable sadness poured between us. All I wanted to do was turn around and take her in my arms, touch her face, kiss her. Love her.

Unaware, Lizzie tugged at my hand. “We gotta hurry.”

Elizabeth blinked and the wall was back up.

With a resigned sigh, I turned and followed Lizzie to the car.

Five minutes later, I pulled to the curb in the circular drive in front of Lizzie’s school. She jumped out the back door and onto the sidewalk just as I came around the front of the car. Crouching down, I helped her slip her backpack onto her shoulders. I dropped a quick kiss to her forehead. “Have a great day, sweetheart. I hope you have a great time at your sleepover.”

A dimpled grin split her face. “It’s going to be the best day ever.”

Warmth seeped into my skin, my little girl, my light. When it seemed impossible to smile, somehow this child made it unstoppable. I cupped her cheek, tilted my head with the force of that smile. “You’d better hurry. We’re running a little bit late today.”

She turned and jogged off.

“See you tomorrow,” I called.

“See you tomorrow!” she sang as she looked at me over her shoulder.

I lifted my hand in a pensive wave. She headed back toward the entrance. She veered when she saw Kelsey standing beside her dad’s car at the curb.

Every muscle in my body constricted.

Lizzie came to a stop at Kelsey’s side. From a distance, I watched her tip her head back and laugh unrestrained. And that asshole was there, laughing, too. Then the piece of shit reached out and ran his fingers through my daughter’s hair.

Motherfucker
.

My hands clenched into fists at my side in the same second he glanced up to catch my stare. He turned back to Lizzie and Kelsey, said something else before the two rushed toward the school gates.

Anger curled, wound with the possessiveness that spun me into a frenzy. My head pounded, and I was pretty sure I was close to losing my mind.

Lizzie’s words of last week blared into my senses, how excited she’d been, how much fun they’d had.

And Elizabeth had been different. Happy? Almost. Maybe. I shook my head. I didn’t know. But definitely different.

Fuck
.

I raked a shaky hand through my hair.

Was she seeing him?

I cut my eye back to him, searching for some kind of indication. A sign.

Had he touched her?

Images of Elizabeth with Logan crashed into my consciousness, clashing with everything I knew as right. I couldn’t bear it. I squeezed my eyes closed to block them out.

When I opened them, he was gone, and I was left standing there like the fool I’d been all these months, staring at the spot where he’d been.

I moved to my car, my feet heavy, weighted, as if I were wading upstream, losing my balance as I got caught in the undertow.

My head spun.

Blindly, I drove to my office. I clicked my door shut behind me, sank into my desk chair, and stared out at the sailboats that bobbed in the bay as I tried to mentally plough through the mess that had become my life. Tried to make sense of it all. That anger just surged, stoked a jealous rage inside of me.

Would Elizabeth really do this to me? To us?

God, I couldn’t imagine touching another woman. Ever. Not after Elizabeth had touched me the way she had.

The morning passed in a haze. A heavy fog swirled through my head. It contradicted the distinct itch I had bolt, to get the hell out of the suffocating confines of my office. When I couldn’t tolerate it any longer, I rushed out, told my secretary I would be back soon, and got in my car and drove. The destination was clear, though I had no idea what I would say when I got there.

The only thing I knew was I couldn’t let her go.

I pulled up to the curb in front of her house. Midday sun glared down from the sky, cast glinting rays through the windshield. The myrtle trees rustled in the gentle breeze. The little house looked so quaint, so quiet.

No one would have a clue of the pain we’d harbored here.

Sucking in a few resolved breaths, I pushed down all the anxiety of the unknown. All I knew was I had to talk with her, to lay it all out. I needed to tell her I loved her, and I could no longer go on living without her. Convince her she needed me as much as I needed her.

Leaving my car on the street, I ran up the sidewalk and pounded on her door. Agitation prickled at my nerves, and I scrubbed my palms over my face. Waiting, I paced.

“Come on, Elizabeth,” I begged below my breath.

But there was no answer, no rustling or movement from inside.

Undaunted, I pressed my face to the window to the left of the door, peered inside at the stillness of the family room. A load of laundry lay in an unfolded heap on the couch, toys strewn across the floor.

She was probably in bed, the way she always was, hiding from the realities she didn’t want to face.

Maybe I’d been wrong before. Maybe I’d pushed her into something she wasn’t ready for.

But now…there was no question.

It was time.

I pushed past the boundaries that had silently been set. Fumbling with my keys, I produced the one I hadn’t used in so long. Metal scraped as I slid the key into the lock. I pushed the door open to the silence that echoed back. Swallowing down the lingering reservations, I headed upstairs.

Our bedroom door sat just ajar. A slit of sunlight burst through the crack and shined against the hall wall.

I edged forward, cautious, and quietly called her name. God, I’d probably scare the hell out of her, sneaking up on her like this, waking her from sleep.

But there was no response, just more silence.

I touched the door. It creaked open. Her bed was unmade and empty. I inched forward, listening for movement from the bathroom. There was none.

Shit
.

My movements were almost frantic as my attention shot around the room.

She was gone.

Elizabeth was never gone. I’d always banked on this, that she was lost in sleep, and that one day, she would
wake
. Fear gripped me when I realized she already had.

I just didn’t know what she’d awakened to, where her heart had found her.

I ran downstairs, searched the rest of the house, peered into the backyard to no avail.

She was gone.

I ran back out front. On the sidewalk, I came to a standstill. My hair flitted around my face as the wind came up, stirred along the ground, whipping up the fallen leaves.