The Secret Love of a Gentleman (39 page)

“It will take Caroline courage to trust you,” she said when she placed the blanket over his legs. “She has experienced pain in her marriage and you are young. But that is no insult. I know you are wise for your age, and sensible. Even John would admit that you have a far more level head on your shoulders than he had at one and twenty. He fled the country to run wild for a few years. You have never been wild.”

She stood before him, her hands gripping her waist. “You have always been the one who’s made me most proud and I am proud that you helped Caroline. You have made a difference to her life. Now I just wish you happy, and if you find happiness with Caroline I will be glad for both of you. I suppose some people might frown at the difference in your ages, but I do not think it matters. It has never mattered to your father that I am older.

“Shall I fetch you tea? Would you like me to sit with you? I will read to you if you wish.”

Rob shook his head. He wanted to sit and think.

She leant and hugged him. Tears glittered in her eyes when she pulled away. “I love you. I pray that you know it.”

He smiled, nodding slightly. “Of course I do, Mama.”

“I wish this had not happened to you, but then again it has given your father and me some time to spend with you alone. Both John and Mary have told us that they felt a lack of love because there were too many of you, and since then we try hard to spend more time with each of the young ones alone, but that is too late for you.”

“I have not felt a lack, Mama, only love. I have always known you and Papa are there if I have need of you.”

“And yet until now you have cut your path of independence so you had no cause to need us.”

He smiled, “But I need you now. I would like a cup of tea.”

She laughed. “Very well, I shall fetch one.”

He watched her turn. “I love you too, Mama.”

She looked back and smiled.

Strange sensations twisted in his chest. Hope. Love. Longing. They were spurs to act. He would accept Uncle Robert’s property and once he could walk he would go and visit Caro and speak to her. He no longer felt trampled and broken, or bitter. Instead a quiet patience breathed inside him. He had to get better and then he would begin his life.

Chapter 34

A knock struck the door from the hall into Caro’s bedchamber. She had come to her rooms to lie down because she was tired.

“Who is it?” Caro called as she sat up.

“Drew. May I come in?”

She let her lower legs slip off the bed and sat on the edge. She had not undressed nor lain beneath the covers, yet her hair was probably untidy, but her brother would not care. “Yes, come in.”

The handle turned and he came in smiling. “You have a visitor.”

Her heart jumped in her chest. Rob.

“Phillip has come to call. I think you must have enchanted him that day at Windsor. He is even bearing a posy of flowers.”

“Oh.” She did not know what to say.

“Come along, then, get up. I will send a maid to you so you might tidy your hair and feel presentable. He has come a long way, and it was frosty this morning—it is still cold out there. The man’s efforts should at least be rewarded.”

Caro swallowed against a dry throat when Drew shut the door.

Phillip…

She rose and let the maid take down her hair, brush it and then re-pin it, and so it was a more than a quarter hour before she walked downstairs. He stood in the drawing room with Drew, and he looked a little anxious.

He picked up the posy of flowers, which must have been raised in a hothouse because they could not have been grown in winter. Yet the Duke, John, whom he worked for, must have hothouses, and Phillip was his business man and managed all of his properties. “I brought you these,” he said as he held out his posy of hyacinths.

Caro took them. “Thank you.” She lifted them to her nose. They had a strong, sweet scent.

A maid hovered in the room. She must have brought the men some tea because a tray stood on the side. Caro turned to her. “Would you take these to my room and put them in water.” The maid bobbed a curtsey, then took the posy. “Thank you,” Caro said quietly.

Why had Phillip come?

“I know it is cold, but perhaps we might walk outside for a little while. If we walk briskly it might not be too cold.”

She did not answer because she did not know what to say.

“Sorry, was that presumptuous of me? Of course we may sit in here, in the warm, if you would rather…”

“No. I am happy to walk with you. It would be nice to get some fresh air. You will excuse us, Drew?”

“There is no question of it,” Drew answered, smiling at her. He looked thrilled, proud, as he did when Iris clapped—as though Caro was his child and she had just managed some great milestone in her life.

“I will ring for a maid to bring down my pelisse and a bonnet.”

“And I would take a muff, if you have one. It is very cold.”

She smiled at Phillip. She did not dislike him. She had enjoyed his company when they’d travelled together to Windsor, and walked together.

When the maid arrived, Caro told her what to bring, and then Phillip escorted her to the hall.

“How have you been, Caroline? I have wanted to call and I have prevaricated over it because you disappeared so quickly from town. I was not sure all was well, and I did not like to intrude.”

“All is well.” It was. She really did not feel miserable any more, or distressed. She had a child within her again, and the only space for feelings was happiness. She would not have her emotions impact on her child. If its short life was to be as blessed as it ought to be, then its mother should love it with all her heart—and Caro did.

Phillip held up her brown pelisse as she slipped her arms into the sleeves, and then he set her bonnet on her head, although she tied the ribbons herself, and finally he took the fox-fur muff from the maid and passed it to her.

“You look beautiful,” he stated simply, when she was dressed for the outdoors, and then he put on his hat. He still wore his outdoor coat, so he must have wished all along for them to walk outside.

“Thank you.”

A footman opened the door.

Phillip’s hand lifted. “Please.”

She walked ahead, and he followed her out into the cold. Immediately it crept through her clothes.

“I shall not offer my arm, merely because it would mean your hand will become chilled. Pray keep it within your muff.” He slipped his into the pockets of his coat. “Which way should we walk?”

“About the house. There is a series of smaller gardens at the rear and a pond.”

“That will probably be frozen, I assure you,” he stated as they began to walk, “All the lakes I have seen on the journey out here have been so, but perhaps not hard enough to skate upon.”

She smiled. “Do you skate? Did you learn as a child?”

“Oh, yes. With John. We were boys, after all, and we had the whole of the Duke’s estate to run wild in.”

Phillip had grown up near here, he’d told her the day they had spent together at Windsor. His family still lived in a village on John’s estate. His father was a local squire.

Phillip was a few years older than her.

As they crossed the lawn towards the first hedge of the parterre gardens he glanced at her. “You will have to forgive me, Caroline. I have never thought of doing this before, and I am a little nervous, and I feel a little foolish.”

She did not answer, because what was there to say?

“Since Windsor, I… I have had feelings for you. I enjoyed that day with you considerably.”

She nodded, because it would be unkind to make no response, and yet discomfort had slayed her.

“I enjoyed your company particularly, extremely. I feel that we might suit. I called at John’s the day after Windsor, because I wished to see you again, but you had already left, and since then I have been debating with myself over whether or not this is madness, and whether or not I should speak, but I think I will drive myself insane if I do not speak.”

Oh Lord.

“All I ask for now is that I might call upon you. I work, as you know, but I have Sundays to myself and I may drive out to visit you so we can begin to know one another better. Will you allow me to call on you and court you, Caroline?”

“Oh, Phillip.” Embarrassment cut through her. She saw herself walking here with Rob. “I’m sorry—”

Phillip did not let her get further as they turned behind the first high hedge that hid them from the house. In the summer it was where Rob had turned her and pressed her against the hedge.
I ask for your forgiveness…

“Have I made an idiot of myself?”

Her hand slipped free from the muff and she held his arm as they walked slowly on. “You have not. I am flattered. It is very kind of you to think of me…”
and if it had been a year ago.
Yet a year ago she would never have gone to London. She had only been there because Rob had given her the courage and invited her. “…Yet I am at a juncture in my life where I cannot think of such things. I am moving out of Drew’s home this week. I will be living alone in Maidstone, and that is what I wish. I am not looking for a husband.”

His fingers pressed over hers as they walked into the garden with the pond at its centre, the pond where she and Rob had helped George sail his boat. It was frozen.

“What of a friend?” Phillip asked, “Might I be that to you now. Is there room for another friend in your life?”

Rob had favoured the word “crass”. It would be crass of her to crush the man so cruelly as to not even accept his offer of friendship, and if he hoped in the future that it might become more, then she would manage his feelings then. She had no intention of spending her future with anyone but Rob, and if he did not want her, she would rather spend it alone, which might be the case because Mary had still heard nothing.

“Of course, I can never have too many friends, Phillip, I will gladly accept that offer.”

He nodded at her and smiled, then they walked on and he talked of John and Kate. He said that they were currently housing Mary’s younger brothers and sisters, and that Mary’s parents had been staying elsewhere in town. He said it was unusual for them to be in town at this time of year. It was nearly Christmas and the family were usually at Pembroke Place for Christmas.

Caro did not ask, yet she listened for mention of Rob’s name, but nothing was said.

~

Caro glanced about the hall as the footmen carried down another trunk of her clothes. She had three trunks. Far more than she’d arrived with. When she’d run away from her marriage years before she’d left with only the clothes on her back and a handkerchief full of the gifts Albert had given her.

That handkerchief of jewels had now become a fund managed by Drew, from which she might draw income. She was about to become truly self-reliant.

Her heart beat hard. Rob would be proud of her, she hoped. She was proud of herself.

Yet perhaps Rob would never know. Perhaps he did not even read Mary’s letters. He certainly did not reply to them.

Pain clenched about her heart, but she pushed it away, because the child was within her and she refused to feel sad.

It was his child too. That thought kept invading over others as the weeks crept on. But to tell him would only cause him pain he need not suffer if he did not know.

She looked at Drew. It was time to say her goodbyes.

George was balanced on Drew’s forearm in a seated position, with one arm wrapped about his papa’s shoulder while his other hand gripped the lapel of Drew’s morning coat. George was tired and his head was pressed against Drew’s shoulder. He was grumpy and angry.

“He does not wish to say goodbye to his Auntie Caro, because he does not wish his Auntie Caro to go.”

Caro walked forward, lifted to her toes and kissed her brother’s cheek as he bent his head so she might. “I love you. You have done so much for me, and I will be forever grateful for the years you have let me feel safe here.”

He patted her shoulder. “There will always be a place for you here.”

“Thank you.” Her fingers ran over George’s hair. He looked at her with his head turned sideways. “And you, little man, must be well behaved for your mama and papa, and I will come and visit you.” George didn’t say anything.

Mary stood beside Drew, holding Iris facing outward so that Iris might watch everything. She hated to be held against anyone’s chest now. She wanted to see the world and discover it.

When Caro leant to hug Mary and say goodbye, Iris grasped the ribbon of Caro’s bonnet and pulled it loose. Caro kissed Iris’s cheek and then kissed Mary’s. “Thank you. You have been very kind to me, like a true sister.”

Mary smiled. “You may come anytime. You need not send word.”

Caro nodded. It was going to be very strange without the children, and yet she had her own to nourish, for however many weeks they had left.

Caro retied her bonnet’s ribbons. She was to drive her trap, so she might have a vehicle to continue visiting her friends and to return here anytime she wished.

“Well, I suppose I ought to go.” She swallowed back the tears gripping at her throat.

Drew nodded.

“I am going to miss you,” Mary said.

“We all are,” Drew added, his hand ruffling George’s hair.

“I am only half an hour’s ride away.”

He nodded.

She wiped away the tear that crept from the corner of her eye. “I am leaving your footmen and your groom out in the cold.” She laughed. Where was her courage today? She needed a little more of it.

A footman held her hand as she climbed up into the trap, while Drew and Mary stood at the open door. It was too cold outside for the children.

Caro waved, remembering Rob waving to them all in the summer. She had not realised then how much influence he’d had on her life. She would not have made this choice without his support in the summer.

One of Drew’s grooms drove a cart behind her as she travelled the distance into Maidstone. Upon it were her trunks and two footmen to lift them into her home when she reached the cottage.

She left the horse and trap in the inn, where Drew had arranged for her to stable them, and then walked to her new home.