Authors: Christopher Moore

The Stupidest Angel (32 page)

BOOK: The Stupidest Angel

12.67Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

ads

"We could have barbecued after all," Theo said.

"I told you fucksticks that the storm would turn south," Mavis Sand growled as she sawed the end off a baguette like the
moyl
at a titanic bris. (Some people's goodwill shines differently than others'.)

Molly set down her lasagna and turned around into the arms of her praying mantis of a husband. "Whoa, sailor, Warrior Babe's got work to do."

"I just wanted to tell you," Theo said, "before everyone gets here, that you look absolutely stunning."

Molly brushed her hand across her neckline. "Scars don't do that, do they? They don't just disappear overnight like that, right?"

"Doesn't matter to me," Theo said. "Never mattered. Wait until you see what I got you for Christmas."

Molly kissed him on the chin. "I love you, even if you have mutant tendencies; now free me, Lena needs help with the salad."

"No, I don't," said Lena, coming out of the back room carrying a huge salad bowl. Tucker Case followed close behind with a stainless caddie of dressings.

"Oh, Theo," Lena said, "I hope you don't mind, but Dale is going to come by in his Santa suit tonight."

"I thought you guys were in combat," Theo said.

"We were, but he surprised me a couple of nights ago when I was stealing some of his Christmas trees, and was just losing his temper when Tucker happened along and popped him in the nose."

Tucker Case grinned. "I'm a pilot, we're used to handling tense situations."

"Anyway," Lena continued, "Dale was drunk. He started crying, getting maudlin, talking about how he was having trouble with his new girlfriend, saying how he hated that everyone saw him as the evil developer, so I invited him here. Thought maybe if he could do something nice for the kids, it would make him feel better."

"No problem," Theo said. "I'm glad you two are getting along."

"Hey, Theo!" yelled Joshua Barker as he ran across the chapel floor toward them. "Mom says Santa will be at the party."

"A quick appearance, Josh, then he has to get on his route," Theo said. He looked up to see Emily Barker and her boyfriend/husband/whatever Brian Henderson coming across the room. Brian was wearing a red Star Fleet Command shirt.

"Merry Christmas, Theo," Emily said.

Theo hugged Emily and shook Brian's hand.

"Theo, have you seen Gabe Fenton?" Brian asked. "I wanted to show him the shirt, I think he'll get a kick out of it. You know, nerd solidarity."

"He was here a little bit ago, Brian, but then Val Ri-ordan arrived and they were talking. I haven't seen them for a while."

"Maybe they went for a walk. Beautiful evening, isn't it?"

"Isn't it," said Molly, coming to Theo's side.

"He said he was good with weather,"
said the Narrator.

"Shhhhhhh," said Molly.

"Pardon?" Brian said.

Out behind the chapel, the dead were feeling festive as well.

"He's going to do her right here in the graveyard,"
said Marty in the Morning.
"Who would have thought a shrink could moan like that. A little carnal scream therapy, huh, doc?"

"No way,"
said Bess Leander.
"She's wearing Armani, she's not going to mess up that outfit."

"You're right,"
said Jimmy Antalvo.
"They'll just suck face and take the party home for makeup sex. But how do you know she's wearing Armani?"

"You know what?"
said Bess.
"I have no idea. Just a feeling, I guess."

"I do hope they sing 'Good King Wenceslas,' "
said Esther, the schoolteacher.
"I just love that song."

"Has anyone seen the biologist's dreadful dog?"
asked Malcolm Cowley, the dead book dealer.
"Last year the beast urinated on my headstone three times."

"He was sniffing around a minute ago,"
said Marty in the Morning,
"but he went inside when they started to bring the food out."

Inside, Skinner was sitting under the Christmas tree, looking at the strangest creature he'd ever seen. It was hanging from the lower branches, but it didn't look like a squirrel, or smell like food; in fact, it had a face that looked like another dog. Skinner whimpered and sniffed the air. If it was a dog, where was its butt? How could he say hello if he couldn't sniff its butt? He took a tentative step back to study the thing.

"What are you looking at?" said Roberto.

Author's Note

Some of the characters that appeared in
The Stupidest Angel
have also appeared in my previous novels. Raziel, the stupidest angel, appeared in
Lamb:The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal.
Theophilus Crowe, Molly Michon, Gabe Fenton, and Valerie Riordan all appeared in
The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove.
Robert Masterson, Jenny Masterson, and Mavis Sand appeared both in
Practical Demonkeeping
and
The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove.
Tucker Case and Roberto the Fruit Bat appeared in
Island of the Sequined Love Nun.

Acknowledgments

The author wishes to acknowledge those who helped: as always, Nicholas Ellison, my intrepid agent; Jennifer Brehl, my brilliant editor; Lisa Gallagher and Michael Morrison for continued confidence in my ability to tell stories; Jack Womack and Leslie Cohen for getting me in front of my readers and the press; the Huffmans, for preparing a landing pad and a warm welcome; Charlee Rodgers, for the careful reads, thoughtful comments, and just putting up with the process; and finally, Taco Bob, from whom I joyfully (and with permission, which almost ruins it) swiped the idea for chapter 16.

About the Author

CHRISTOPHER MOORE is the author of
Fluke, Lamb, Practical Demonkeeping, Coyote Blue, Bloodsucking Fiends, Island of the Sequined Love Nun,
and
The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove.

He invites readers to e-mail him at
[email protected]
.

To receive notice of author events and new books by Christopher Moore, sign up at
www.authortracker.com
.

Available from HarperAudio

also by Christopher Moore

Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings

Lamb:The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove

Island of the Sequined Love Nun

Bloodsucking Fiends

Coyote Blue

Practical Demonkeeping

Credits

Jacket design by Christopher Moore and Richard Aquan acket illustration by Susan H. Choi

This book is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author's imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

the stupidest angel. Copyright © 2004 by Christopher Moore. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of PerfectBound™.

PerfectBound™ and the PerfectBound™ logo are trademarks of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Adobe Acrobat eBook Reader September 2004 elSBN 0-06-074616-5

first edition

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1