The Sweet Spot (8 page)

“It feels good to actually
talk about it with someone,” Sawyer whispered shyly, staring into Raffi’s piercing green eyes.

“Well I
totally understand,” Raffi replied, flashing a dimpled grin. “I think girls are hot too.”

How
could she explain Raffi O’Reilly to her niece, Sawyer wondered as she shook away the memories of that day on the beach with Raffi. In truth, her niece reminded her much more of Sebastian than his brother. Raffi had always reminded Sawyer of Sebastian with her serious eyes and quiet, thoughtful expressions. Raffi was a thinker. Ani called her an old soul, but Sawyer often wondered if it wasn’t Ani’s silences that made Raffi so quiet and serious, and not that she’d been born that way.

“He was a wonderful boy,” Sawyer
finally whispered to her niece. “He was sweet and kind, full of life and mischief, and everyone loved him.”

“Do I look like him at all?” Raffi asked curiously.

“Well you have dark hair like he did, but I think you get that from your dad,” Sawyer replied with a tender smile, her heart suddenly breaking at the thought of Jordan alone back at the brownstone. “Hey, you want to go see your dad?” Sawyer asked suddenly, jumping up and pulling Raffi to her feet.

“Right now?”
Raffi asked, blinking her eyes in surprise.

“Yes,” Sawyer replied decisively. “Let’s go brin
g him some ice cream.”

“Hey,” Ani called out to them softly when Sawyer and Raffi walked into the living room. “What are you guys doing?” she asked, pressing a tissue against her red eyes.

“We’re going to bring daddy some ice cream,” Raffi said, meeting her mother’s gaze uncertainly.

“Oh,” Ani replied, staring at Sawyer with an unreadable expression on her face.

“I love all of you A,” Sawyer tried to explain. “I’m not taking sides. My heart is breaking for all of you equally.” She grabbed her keys and pulled Raffi out the door with her.

The brownstone was dark when Sawyer and Raffi pulled up in fr
ont of it and they knocked softly before Sawyer unlocked the door with her key.

“Daddy?”
Raffi called, flipping the foyer light on and following her aunt into the kitchen. Jordan was sitting at the kitchen island in the dark, swirling his wine from dinner around in the bottom of his glass. “We brought you ice cream.”

Sawyer began to clear away the abandoned dinner plates and containers of food that Jordan had brought home earlier.

“Really?” Jordan replied, mustering up a half smile for his daughter. “What kind?” He pushed his wine glass away and pulled Raffi into his arms.

“
Praline!” Raffi announced, burying her face in her father’s chest.

“My favorite,” Jordan whispered into his daughter’s hair as he held her tightly against him.

“Cup or cone?” Sawyer asked, pulling ice cream, sprinkles and a box of cones out of the bag.

“Cone,” Jordan replied
.

“Sprinkles?”
Sawyer asked, raising an eyebrow as she opened the ice cream and proceeded to dish it out.

“Of course,” Jordan answered, locking eyes with Sawyer as she passed him his cone.

“Did you force her to marry me Soy?” he asked Sawyer softly when Raffi left the kitchen to go to the bathroom.

“No, of course not,” Sawyer protested.

“But she didn’t want to, did she?” Jordan persisted. “She married me because of Raffi.” He looked down at the cone that was dripping in his hand.

“Ani
married you because she loved you,” Sawyer disagreed. “The night before your wedding, when she stayed at my dorm, she told me how much she loved you. She said that you made her laugh and appreciate all of the beauty in the world. She wanted that Jordan. She’s always wanted to be able to appreciate the joy in living; she just doesn’t always succeed.”

“And now we’re getting to the root of everything,” Jordan said, standing up and throwing his dripping ice cream
cone into the garbage. “The million dollar question is, will anyone ever tell me why my beautiful wife doesn’t think that she deserves to appreciate the beauty in life?” Jordan asked Sawyer softly. “I’ve thought about just Googling her name you know, to see if anything from her past would come up, anything that would give me some clue to the secrets in her eyes,” Jordan said angrily. “But then I stop, telling myself that she’ll trust me one day, that they’re not my secrets to hunt down, that they’re her secrets to share.”

Sawyer stared across the kitchen island at her sister’s husband in anguish, much as her sister had just hours before.

“You look just like her you know, sitting there, staring at me with those haunted blue eyes. You Mackenzie women and your damn blue eyes,” Jordan choked out helplessly in defeat. “A man could drown in the depths of your eyes. I cried the first time that Raffi stared back at me you know. I thought, oh no, she has her mother’s eyes, I don’t stand a chance.”

“Jordan, I want to tell you everything, I alway
s have,” Sawyer choked, walking over to him and taking his hand in hers. “You’re so good for Ani, you always have been. You’re a wonderful husband and father and I love you like a brother.” She gulped back hot tears.

“But it’s not your story to te
ll,” Jordan finished for Sawyer as she shook her head sadly.

“I don’t
know where her head is right now,” she admitted hopelessly.

“How about her heart
Huckleberry?” Jordan asked softly, staring into Sawyer’s eyes intently as he used the nickname that he’d given her when they first met. “Do you know where her heart is right now? Is her heart with the mysterious friend who she used to bake lemon bars for? The friend with the dead brother who she named our daughter after and never even told me about?”

“I don’t know,” Sawyer answered helplessly as Raffi walked back into the kitchen.

“His name is
Sebastian,” Raffi whispered from the doorway. “His name is Sebastian and he has mommy’s Irish name tattooed on his neck in a heart. It looks just like the embroidered one that her mother made her that hangs in your room.”

“Of
course he does,” Jordan sighed in defeat. “I bet he knows all her secrets too.”

“Come on sweet pea,” Sawyer called to Raffi, suddenly wondering if she’d made a horrible mistake by coming to Jordan tonight, by bringing Raffi when
Ani clearly wanted her with her. “Time to go, it’s after eight.”

“So
. I don’t have school tomorrow, it’s Saturday,” Raffi protested.

“You go ahead Soy
, I’ll bring Raffi to the bakery in the morning,” Jordan said, slipping his arm around his daughter and hugging her tightly.

Sawyer stared back at Raffi and Jordan
uneasily, now certain that she’d made a bad decision in bringing Raffi here tonight.

“I don’t know Jordan…” Sawyer said, her voice trailing off.
“I told Ani I’d bring her back with me tonight.”

“I want to stay home with my dad,” Raffi interjected.

“Maybe I should call Ani,” Sawyer whispered helplessly, searching Jordan’s unreadable face. Jordan raised his eyebrow in response and cocked his head questioningly at Sawyer.

“This is Raffi’s
house and I’m her father Soy,” he said quietly. “There isn’t anything to call Ani about.”

“Okay,” Sawyer replied weakly, suddenly feeling lightheaded and nauseous as she gathered up her keys and hugged Raffi good-bye.
“Call me if you change your mind,” she whispered. “I’ll come right back for you.”

“I’ll see you in the morning,” Raffi replied, her blue eyes suddenly filled with her own secrets.

“Good night,” Sawyer called, turning around and practically running out of the house as her tears began to fall.

Sawyer tried desperately to pull herself
together before she got back to her apartment, but she couldn’t control the sobs that choked her as she burst through the door and threw herself in her sister’s arms.

“What happened? Where’s Raffi?” Ani screamed, looking behind her sister in terror. “Is she okay
? Did she get hurt?” she asked, shaking her sister’s arm.

“She’s fine, she’s with Jordan,” Sawyer wept, burying her face against her si
ster’s chest. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t trying to take sides, I didn’t mean to bring her to him, I didn’t know she would stay.” 

Ani sank down onto the couch with her sister in relief.

“Oh my God Soy, you scared me,” she whispered. “I thought something had happened to her.”

“Can you forgive me for going over
there tonight?” Sawyer asked, staring up at her sister with tear-filled eyes.

“Oh Soy,” Ani cried
, hugging her sister tightly. “There’s nothing to forgive. I’m so sorry that I’ve let my mess become yours.”

“
I love Bast too you know,” Sawyer wept. “He was like a brother to me when we were kids, and I’m so happy he’s finally out of prison, but I also love Jordan, A. He’s been our family for the last nine years. I danced in his arms at your wedding. I held his hand when Raffi was born. He helped me get my job in sports massage,” Sawyer choked. “He’s my brother in-law.”

“
I love him too Soy, he’s my husband,” Ani whispered softly.

“Then what are you doing A?” Sawyer moaned, lifting her head up to stare into her sister’s ey
es. “You’re breaking his heart and I don’t know if he’ll forgive you when it’s over.”

“Do you know what the rose on
Sebastian’s neck stands for Soy?” Ani asked her sister quietly.

“No,” Sawyer whimpered, blinking back tears.

“It stands for coming of age inside, celebrating a teenage birthday behind bars,” Ani whispered. “The outlines of the teardrops on his face are the lives that he mourns, Eva and Raffi. The ink they’re filled in with represents the lives that he took, the mother and her child.”

“Ani,” Sawyer gasp
ed, reaching for her sister and doubling over, her body shaking with sobs.

“The fifteen church spires on his back
stand for years spent in prison and the cross at the top of the center spire means sentence served,” Ani choked.

“Ani, stop,” Sawyer begged, pulling her sister back into her arms.

“There are bells on his shoulders Soy,” Ani continued, taking deep shuddering breaths. “They mean he served his sentence in full: bell call to bell call, no parole. He didn’t give up parole to stay away from me Soy, he gave it up so he could serve his sentence and be free to come back to me.” Ani stared into her sister’s wide eyes. “He came back for me Soy, and I have a husband and a daughter with another man. I have a daughter when we lost ours, and I named her after his dead brother and didn’t tell anyone, including my own husband. What am I supposed to do with that?” Ani whispered. “God Soy, I’m so messed up.”

“You are,” Sawyer agreed
with a sad laugh, “but at least you’re finally admitting it. At least you’re not locking it all away anymore.”

“I have to talk to Jordan,” Ani sighed. “I ran away when I should have stayed and talked to him. I ran away from him like I always do.”

“He’s waited so long for you to share your secrets,” Sawyer agreed.

“
Sebastian wants me to go trawling for lobsters with him,” Ani laughed in disbelief. “Remember how much he hated his father’s boat and the stink of fish bait on his hands when we were kids? Did you know that he was going to work weekends with his father hauling lobsters to support me and Eva?”

“Well maybe he doesn’t hate it anymore,” Sawyer said softly.

“No, I don’t think he does,” Ani agreed, laying her head back on the couch and finally succumbing to sleep.

Chapter Eight

Jordan stood outside the back door of his wife’s bakery wit
h his daughter’s hand in his own and inhaled deeply. He smelled cinnamon and cloves and some kind of fruit, cranberries he thought, but no lemon.  He rolled his daughter’s words from last night around in his head, trying to pinpoint which detail had hurt the most, the fact that his wife had named their daughter after someone and didn’t tell him, or that she refused to bake anything lemon all these years because she couldn’t bear the memory of the person who she used to bake for. In the nine years that they’d been married, Jordan had considered almost every scenario that he could think of to explain the secrets that haunted his wife’s eyes. He wondered if she’d been raped as a child, he wondered if she’d killed someone. Ani never spoke about her past, all that he knew was that her mother had died from breast cancer when she was twelve and her father had a heart attack and died when she was twenty. Sawyer gave her away at their wedding.

Jordan
realized that he’d never considered the possibility that Ani loved someone else, someone who was walking around in the world with her name tattooed on his neck in a heart tangled in thorns, someone who apparently had finally come back to claim her. He realized that he’d never considered it because he couldn’t imagine having her and ever letting her go.

“Raffi!”
Ani exclaimed in joy as Jordan and Raffi walked into the kitchen. “I missed you,” she whispered, hugging her daughter close.

“Me too,” Raffi mumbled against her mother’s apron
.

“Cranberries?”
Jordan asked Ani as he walked over to her, sniffing the air. It was a game they used to play when they were first dating and Jordan would try to guess what Ani was baking by the smells coming out of the oven.

“
Currants,” she replied softly. “I’m making my mother’s hot cross buns.”

“Ahh, th
e ones with the white glaze?” Jordan asked with a gleam in his eye.

“Yes,” Ani laughed, her eyes softening as she stared at her husband.
“Can we talk later?” she asked, “after I close the bakery?”

“I would love to talk to you,” Jordan replied hoarsely, reaching out a hand to brush powdered sugar off of Ani’s nose.

“Sebastian!” Jordan suddenly heard Sawyer exclaim in surprise, and he dropped his finger from his wife’s face and slowly turned around to face the stranger in the doorway. Ani stilled behind him and Jordan could feel the tension radiating from her body and crackling in the air around them.

“Why do I feel like you’re the answer to all the secrets in my wife’
s eyes?” Jordan heard himself ask as he stared at the tall muscular, tattooed man standing before him. Ani’s Irish name stared back at Jordan from the base of Sebastian’s neck and he stared transfixed at the two teardrops beneath Sebastian’s right eye.

“My mom’s making hot cross buns,” Raffi announced, breaking the silence.

“I love your mum’s hot cross buns,” Sebastian replied, his eyes holding Jordan’s piercing gaze.

“Of course you do,” Jordan replied, leaning back against the counter next to Ani.
“What else do you love about my wife?” he asked Sebastian quietly.

“Jordan, don’t do this,” Ani begged.
“Not here, not now, not in front of Raffi.”

“
God Ani, this is the reason for the haunted look in your eyes?” Jordan yelled angrily, gesturing over to Sebastian with his hands in disgust. “You’ve been pining away for an old lover? Some ex-con covered with prison tattoos? Do you even know what those teardrops stand for?” Jordan yelled. “It means he’s killed someone for God’s sake! It means he’s proud and wants the world to know about it. I did my residency in an inner city hospital remember? I’ve seen hundreds of prison tattoos. I’ve treated hundreds of cons like your boyfriend, and I’ve worked to save the lives of the people they’ve killed. I’ve spent hours taking out bullet fragments embedded in children’s brains because of people like him,” Jordan yelled, his face heating up with his rage.

“Jordan
stop,” Sawyer moaned. “You don’t understand.”

“How could I possibly understand?”
Jordan choked out as he whirled around to face Ani who was white as a sheet and looked like she was about to faint. “How could I understand anything when Ani has lied to me for the last ten years?” Jordan whispered. “Have you been fucking him all this time?” he asked quietly, oblivious to the horror on his daughter’s face as she stood next to her mother blinking back tears. “Is that why you’ve been so sad Ani? Because you’ve had to come back to me at night when you’d rather be in your lover’s arms?”

Ani stared back at Jordan silently, her eyes wide with shock.

“Answer me,” Jordan demanded, reaching out a hand to grab Ani’s arm.

“Touch her and I’ll
fucking kill you,” Sebastian said quietly from behind him.

“I’m sure you would,” Jordan replied scathingly. “Want to earn another teardrop for your face?” he taunted,
turning around and leaning in to Sebastian.

“Yes
, I do,” Sebastian replied in a deadly voice. “So give me a reason,” He stepped forward and closed the space between him and Jordan until their chests were touching.

“Sawyer, take Raff
i home with you now,” Sebastian ordered Ani’s sister quietly, not taking his eyes off of Jordan’s face.

The mention of his daughter’s name snapped Jordan out of his rage and he spun around in horror to face his shaking daughter.

“Oh sweetheart,” he whispered, stepping forward and pulling Raffi’s trembling body away from Ani. “I’m so sorry you saw that,” he choked, pressing his lips into her hair. “Don’t cry.” He scooped Raffi’s sobbing body into his arms. “I’m taking you home. I’m taking you out of here,” Jordan murmured, walking away from Ani and Sebastian without a backward glance.

“No,” Ani cried, suddenly finding her voice as she stepped forward and tried to t
ug Raffi out of Jordan’s arms. “I’ll take her,” she whispered, pressing her face against her daughter’s shaking back.

“I’m closing the bakery,” Sawyer choked, grabbing a black sharpie and scrawling the words
‘Closed for Family Emergency’ across a sheet of parchment paper.

“Let go Ani,” Jor
dan said firmly. “I’m taking Raffi home with me.”

“No,” Ani wailed, trying to pry her sobbing daughter out of her husband’s arms.
“Just let me take her Jordan. She needs me right now, she needs her mother.”

“If you think I’m going to leave my daughter with you and your ex-con, you’ve lost your mind,”
Jordan told his wife quietly. “I’m taking Raphael home with me, and I can promise you this Ani, no judge will let you have her with a convict around,” Jordan whispered in Ani’s ear before he walked out of the bakery.

“Oh my
God Ani,” Sawyer breathed when she came back into the kitchen after taping the closed sign on the door. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered, gathering her shaking sister into her arms.

“He said he
’s going to keep Raffi away from me,” Ani whispered in disbelief as she collapsed on the floor.

“I’ll kill him first,”
Sebastian said quietly, dropping down on the floor beside her. 

Ani stared at
Sebastian in disbelief, trying to process everything that had just happened. 

“Jesus Ani,” he whispered, running his hand over his head.

“I’m going to
go talk to him A,” Sawyer said, grabbing her keys off the counter and heading for the door.

“Don’t you dare,” Ani said quietly, stopping her sister in her tracks.
“This is not your fight Soy, it’s mine,” Ani declared quietly, rubbing her hands across her face as she tried to restore the blood to her cheeks. “I can’t believe he threatened to keep Raffi from me,” She repeated again in shock. “He has no fucking idea who’s he tangling with if he tries to take my daughter away from me.”

“Ani, stop,” Sawyer cried, sinking down to the floor beside her. “This is Jordan we’re talking about A
. Jordan,” she whispered, lifting her sister’s face up to meet hers.

“Yeah, he’s a hell of a guy
,” Sebastian muttered beside them.

“Stay out of this
Bast!” Sawyer yelled, turning her attention back to her sister. “Look at me A,” she pleaded when Ani turned away from her probing gaze. “Look at me and tell me you don’t understand how Jordan feels right now. Tell me what he’s supposed to think, how he’s supposed to feel when you’ve refused to tell him anything all these years.”

“I don’t know,” Ani replied helplessly, turning away from her s
ister to stare into Sebastian’s serious eyes. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

“And you,” Sawyer turned on
Sebastian suddenly. “Threatening to kill him? Really Sebastian? That was fucking helpful,” Sawyer yelled in exasperation.

“It wasn’t an empty threat,”
Sebastian replied quietly, staring over Sawyer’s head and into Ani’s eyes. “If he hurts one hair on Ani’s head, I’ll rip his heart out and use his blood to tattoo the teardrop onto my face.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Sawyer exhaled.

“What else can you expect from a stone cold killer like me?” Sebastian taunted, “What else can you expect from someone who proudly wears the markers of the people he’s murdered on his face?” Sebastian mimicked Jordan’s words coolly, staring at Sawyer with a challenge in his eyes.

“Oh grow the fuck up
Bast!” Sawyer exclaimed. “You’re not in high school anymore, this isn’t a pissing contest between you and a guy from your opposing football team who’s sniffing around your girlfriend! For the love of God, Ani, tell Bast that Jordan would never hurt you!”

“He threatened to take Raffi away from me,” Ani whispered in rep
ly instead.

“Well there you have it,”
Sebastian murmured, his eyes flickering dangerously as he held Sawyer’s gaze. “And just for the record Soy, I’m painfully aware that I’m not in high school anymore,” Sebastian said quietly. “I was lying on a bed in the prison infirmary beaten to a bloody pulp on the day of high school graduation.”

“That’s not fair,” Sawyer whispered weakly as her eyes filled with helpless tears. “
How am I supposed to win against playing the prison card?” she muttered in defeat.

“Come out on th
e boat with me today A,” Sebastian said quietly, turning away from Sawyer and lifting Ani’s hand off her lap and entwining her fingers with his own.

“Okay,” Ani agreed, blinking back the tears that never seemed to end.

“Are you two insane?” Sawyer asked in disbelief, staring back and forth between her sister and Sebastian. “We’re in crisis right now. I just closed the bakery for a family emergency and you two are going fucking fishing?”

“It’s l
obstering, not fishing,” Sebastian corrected quietly, pulling Ani up off of the floor. “And we need to go. I’m supposed to meet my dad at the dock at dawn.”

“Out on the O’Reilly boat with your dad again…..” Ani murmu
red, shaking her head in wonder. “Just like when we were kids.”

“Well not like all the
times,” Sebastian whispered huskily, drawing Ani into his arms. “Not with my dad around today…”

“I lost my virginity on the O’Reilly,” Ani
murmured to Sawyer, staring at her sister over Sebastian’s shoulder as he held her pressed in his arms.

“Great! First the prison card
and now the virginity card,” Sawyer sighed, throwing up her hands. “I give up A. You’re right, it’s your mess not mine. It’s always been your mess and I can’t deal with it anymore,” she confessed sadly, turning away and walking out the door of the bakery.