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Authors: Bryan Taylor

Tags: #Humour

The Three Sisters (52 page)

BOOK: The Three Sisters
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“For those viewers who really have a mind for the future, I can reveal the plans for the burning at the stake, or the
paniatur ad ignem
as the Catholics say in Latin. The three will be taken to the
quemadero
next to the Washington Monument to be burned. There, as with the crucifixion, none of the three will be allowed to face east. Because Christ will appear in the eastern sky when He returns, the Catholic Church has all heretics face west when they are put
to death.”

“I didn’t
know that.”

“Yes, ropes will be tied around them at the ankles, at the knees, above the knees, at the groin, around the waist, and under the arms. Fagots mixed with straw will be placed at their feet, but before the fagots are lit, the three will be given one final chance to repent of their sins. After that, all the ropes will be rechecked, and then with no further ado, the pyres will be lit, and the three’s earthly existences will be over with. America will be rid of them
at last.”

“I don’t know if the viewers can see this, but most of the military vehicles which participated in the parade have stayed here at Potomac Park to ensure that nothing goes wrong during the crucifixion,
and— ”

“Excuse me for interrupting, but Father Novak and Detective Hole are down there with the three now. They have a couple last words for the three sisters and for us before they are put up on
their crosses.”

“Coito Gott, Theodora Suora, and Regina Grant, do you have anything to say before you are tied to
the crosses?”

“It’s cold as a witch’s titty out here,” complained K. “Let’s get it
over with.”

“I hate to interrupt, Tom, but look over across the way there. Some more tanks and jeeps are crossing over the Potomac on
the bridge.”

“A strong defense means a strong
America, Virginia.”

“It is time. Now you will pay for your crimes. Men, put them on
the crosses.”

“Hey, look down there, isn’t that a boat crossing the Potomac? There’s about eight men in it. Someone is standing at the front, and there’s someone in the back holding up an
American flag.”

“That’s funny, the people on this side of the river seem to be in disarray as if something had gone wrong, but why there should be all this commotion even as the three are being laid to rest on their crosses, I can’t
figure out.”

“Maybe there will be some cheerleaders. I really liked the ones back at
the Capitol.”

“I think one of our camera crews has a picture of the boat coming across the river now. We should be able to see who is on that
boat momentarily.”

“Virginia, look, there are some more tanks crossing that bridge, more than I originally saw. Do you
hear that?”

“Yes, over there on the horizon, I can see some planes flying in low to escort the military. It’s a full military salute to the power
of America.”

“Do you hear
that music?”

“Yes, I recognize it, but I can’t remember the name of
the tune.”

“I recognize it, it’s ‘Happy Days Are
Here Again.’”

“I didn’t know President Carter had a sense
of humor.”

“Wait, we have the boat crossing the Potomac on our screens now, and I think I can make out who is at the head of the boat. Yes, it’s, oh my
God, it’s…”

CHAPTER XX

“It’s enough to destroy one’s faith, isn’t it?”
“I haven’t any faith left in anyone.”
“I know how
you feel.”

– Irene Dunne and
Carry Grant in
The
Awful Truth

t’s Richard
Milhous Nixon.”

“You’re right, Virginia, but what can this mean?” asked the celebrity commentator as the new acting President stepped out of the boat onto dry land like Douglas MacArthur returning to a Pacific Island. He walked straight ahead as jets flew over the White House and armed personnel carriers rounded their way over the road leading to the site of the now aborted crucifixion which had been replaced by the nation’s first
coup d’etat
watched live and in living color by over
400
million persons throughout the world, courtesy of
modern technology.

Parting the Festivities’ celebrants who stood between him and the three, like Moses had parted the Red Sea, President Nixon and his coterie of military aides walked straight ahead to the site of the three’s planned crucifixion to ensure that the nails which would have imminently pierced the three’s palms did not do so. Smiling and waving to the befuddled crowds as if nothing had changed since he had left office five years before, President Nixon flashed his famous “V” for Victory sign with both hands as he felt the electric charge of power rush through him again, a feeling which he could only receive from knowing that he was in charge, that the most powerful office in the world was again safely under
his control.

Several military officers had already stopped the three from being nailed to their crosses and were helping them put their San Benitos back on when President Nixon reached the crucifixion site. He walked up to them, shook hands with Coito, Theodora, and Regina, and explained to them that the military had just put an end to the unconstitutional Festivities.

As conversation was exchanged among the group of four, newsmen took a hundred pictures, shouted a hundred unanswered questions, and television cameras and sound equipment focused in as closely as possible on the group so that once Nixon and the military had left the scene, the TV newsmen (who had quickly replaced the celebrity commentators) would have enough information and videotapes of the day’s events to comment on and discuss the unexpected development for the rest of the day. How else to replace the now
canceled Festivities?

With hypersensitive sound equipment, the TV technicians covering the Festivities focused their microphones on Coito, Theodora, Regina and the President to pick up
their conversation.

“So we meet again,” K said to RN.
“What now?”

“Coito, Theodora, Regina,” President Nixon began, speaking loudly enough that nearby reporters could hear him. “The Supreme Court, President Carter, and the Congress all exceeded their constitutional powers when they decreed that you three be crucified. Instead of solving the pressing needs that face our nation—unemployment, inflation, the problems of the Middle East—they opted to use you three as scapegoats. But when I saw the dangerous course which our nation had embarked upon, when I realized what these actions portended for the nation’s future, I knew I had to act. I knew I had to return to finish the term I was elected to serve so I could save America from the vacillating and opportunistic men who had taken over the government. America could no longer allow Carter’s failed policies to pull
it down.”

“And what about us?”
asked Theodora.

“Very simple, the judgment passed upon you three violated the United States Constitution. Having spent the past seven months in jail, and having undergone great psychological punishment, you have already suffered greatly for your crimes. In fact, you have paid your debt to society. Within the next few days, I will pardon you three for all the crimes you have or may have committed in the past year. I hope that will be a just reward for all you three have been put through. As I was pardoned, so shall you
be pardoned.”

“So does that mean I can say, ‘It is finished,’ and not worry about it?”
asked Coito.

“Say whatever you like,” responded
the President.


Dux ex machina
sounds pretty close to
Deus ex machina
,”
concluded Theodora.

“You mean, we’re free?” asked Regina,
shining brightly.

“Yes, and in order to protect you from anyone who might disagree with my decision, I will temporarily be assigning each of you two secret service agents,” declared recrudescent Richard. “That way you will have nothing to fear from anyone who might be tempted to carry out the sentence on
their own.”

“But why?”
asked Theodora.

“To
protect you.”

“No, not the secret service agents—the
military, you.”

“To save America. You must understand, Carter and the Congress were using the Festivities to ensure their re-election next year. This would have been a fatal error. If they had been in power for five more years, the Soviet Union would have had us at its knees by
1984
.” Then turning toward the cameras, President Nixon announced, “I shall explain what has happened more fully in my television address at six o’clock this evening.”

With this final announcement, the new leader of the Western World marched toward the awaiting car which carried him to the White House where President Nixon could meet with James Earl Carter III to explain the reasons for the Georgian’s downfall and convince the former President that he had no choice but to retire to his peanut farm and write his memoirs.

President Nixon would also meet with members of Congress and the Supreme Court to explain to them the role they would play in the new government, but first President Nixon had to prepare his television address to the American people whose support he would need if he were to make the tough decisions in the trying months ahead, as President Nixon began to “turn the nation back onto the road to political, economic and military stability.”

At
6
:
00
P.M. Eastern Standard Time, President Nixon addressed
the nation.

“This is the thirty-eighth time I have spoken to you from this office in which I have made many important decisions and will in the future make many more. I have always tried to share my thoughts and decisions with you, the American people, for I know that you want me to share with you the ideas which shape our nation’s future; however, this time I was unable to reveal my decision to finish the term I was elected to serve until today to ensure that the great changes which are about to take place could be carried out. But rest assured, our long national nightmare
is over.

“While I temporarily retired as President, I always knew that at some point in time it might be necessary for me to return to this office should the nation’s interests be jeopardized by the executive and legislature, and consequently, should the great issues which face America be neglected. While I watched what was taking place here in Washington in the past few months and realized what these events meant for America’s future, I knew I could no longer idly stand by and watch the nation’s decline. I had to act to save America. So
I did.

“I would have preferred not to become involved in politics again, and to have remained a private citizen, but I also knew that America needed a President who would devote his time to solving the problems which face our nation today, not to finding scapegoats to draw attention away from his failures. I knew that the nation’s needs came before any desires I had to lead the life of a senior statesman, but once the tough decision to return and protect the Office of the Presidency had been made, I decided to stick to my commitment until the end. I have never been
a quitter.

“Some might say that in doing this I have harmed the Office of the Presidency instead of saving it, but let me tell you here and now, to attack or try to change the Presidency is against everything I believe in. I would never try to destroy the great institutions which our forefathers created, but neither would I allow our nation to be destroyed by poor leadership. I have intervened that we could turn back from the ruinous path which President Carter had embarked upon and return to the path of non-inflationary growth and peace abroad which I had set out to achieve eleven
years ago.

“As long as the needs of America were looked after, as long as our future was secure, I was willing to remain a private citizen and allow others to act in my stead. But recent events have shown me how greatly the accomplishments which I had achieved before temporarily leaving office had
been undone.

“Inept economic policies have brought back unacceptable levels of inflation. Unemployment has increased to intolerable levels. The productivity of the American worker has been hurt by the government’s policies, and as a result, everyone’s standard of living has suffered. It is time to remove government interference, to reduce the number of regulations, in a word, to give the private businessman a chance by instituting policies that will get America
working again.

“On the international front, the world of relative peace which I established has been shattered and replaced with wars and terrorism. Not understanding the Soviets, President Carter’s actions baited the USSR to once again extend their power and influence while testing America’s will. Millions in other countries have suffered because the special relationship which I had established with Premier Brezhnev was foolishly thrown by the wayside. It is time to right
these wrongs.

“But perhaps, the most unforgiveable mistake President Carter made was embarking upon a dangerous path which would have ultimately brought about untold suffering to our nation and to the whole world. When he neglected the military and sacrificed our nation’s defenses to the needs of wasteful social spending and grand celebrations, he made a fatal error. Had his policy continued, by the middle of the
1980
s, the Soviet Union would have been free to do as it pleased. The military balance which had produced my policy of
détente
would have been
destroyed forever.

“Had President Carter remained in office, America would have lacked the ability and the will to stand up to the Soviets. In a few years, the Soviet Union could have brought more developing nations into their sphere of influence. In Western Europe, with America too weak to adequately defend its allies, the Soviet Union could have exerted pressure on the industrial democracies and forced them to be more amenable to Soviet foreign policy. Before long, the U.S. would have been isolated and too weak to stand up to the Soviet threat. I could not sit by and watch two hundred years of freedom be sacrificed so foolishly. I realized I would have to return to Washington and finish the term I was elected to serve. So
I did.

“Americans are tired of being guided by men of indecision and uncertainty. A new spirit, the spirit of the eighties, which will drive people to take the initiative and seek out new horizons lies before us. We are entering a new era and America needs new leadership to guide
it forward.

“I ask you to support me in my efforts to bring the nation back to the position of leadership it had attained when I was in office before, and to push forward to bring about prosperity without inflation at home. I have done this before for America, and I pledge to you tonight that I will return America to its proper role as leader of the Western world. America shall be second
to none.

“I regret that three innocent women had to suffer in order that President Carter and other members of the government could increase their popularity and obscure the issues which faced America. To repay them for their suffering, my first action as President will be to pardon all three of them for the crimes of which they
were convicted.

BOOK: The Three Sisters
10.64Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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