Touching the Clouds (31 page)

“Nice here,” Patrick said, sitting on a log. He swatted at a mosquito. “Except for the blamed bugs.”

Paul sat beside him. The two stared at the water, listening to the sounds of approaching evening. The world quieted. Birds’ evening songs were joined by the chirp of squirrels. A splash announced the presence of an otter family across the creek.

Patrick pointed them out. “The two new kits made it through the summer.”

Silence settled between the two men again. Patrick ended the quiet and asked, “So, what do you figure you’ll be doing in the next year or two?”

“Don’t know for sure,” Paul said, thinking it an unusual question. “Probably what I’m doing right now.”

“You ever think about heading back to California?”

“No. Nothing there for me anymore.”

“What about your family?”

Paul wondered what was up. Patrick had always respected his privacy. “My life’s here now.”

“This is a fine place to put down roots.” Patrick picked up a stone and tossed it into the water where it plopped and sent out widening ripples. “Me and Sassa came out from Anchorage nearly twelve years ago. Built the place ourselves. We’ve had a good life.”

Paul rested his arms on his thighs, still staring at the water and wondering where Patrick was heading.

“We kept each other going. Couldn’t have done it alone.” He picked up another stone. “And the children have been a blessing.” He chucked the rock into the creek. “Man’s got to have children.”

Paul suddenly felt defensive. “Not everyone’s meant to have a family.”

Patrick continued, as if Paul hadn’t spoken. “Those boys are hard workers. Don’t know what I’d do without them. And Lily . . . well, she’s a treasure. Couldn’t have asked for a better daughter.” He glanced at Paul. “She’s a fine cook and a help to Sassa and me.”

Paul’s stomach tightened.

“Did you know that once she stood her ground against a grizzly? Brought it down with one shot, then skinned it out and put up the meat.” He rocked his whole upper body in a nod. “Not many women in the world can do that.”

“No, don’t imagine there are.”

Patrick took a deep breath and blew it out. “She’d make a fine wife.”

“She would.” Paul was used to Sassa playing matchmaker, but never Patrick. He wondered if Sassa had put him up to it.

Patrick turned serious eyes on Paul. “It would please me and Sassa if Lily were to marry a man . . . like you, Paul.”

“Me? I’m still green, a cheechako.” Trying to make light of the conversation, he grinned, but inside he felt sick and wished he could change the subject.

“All the more reason for the two of you to match up. You need her. She could teach you a lot.”

Paul pushed to his feet and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Are you asking me to marry your daughter?”

“You’d be a good match. And I’d be proud to have you as part of the family.”

Paul stared at the creek. It flowed quietly, barely moving, a picture of serenity. Inside Paul felt a drone of misery. Measuring his words carefully, he said, “I’m honored you feel that way. You and your family are like my own.” He turned and looked at Patrick. How could he explain? “Lily’s a fine person, but I don’t plan to marry.”

Patrick stood. “A man needs a woman, someone to share his life.”

“I had a wife once.” A tomb of silence fell between the men. “I’m better off alone.”

Patrick furrowed his brow. “I didn’t know you’d been married before.”

“It was a long time ago.” Paul took a step toward the stream and steered the conversation back to Patrick’s proposal. “And Lily’s still a girl.”

“Seventeen’s not that young. If you two get married, you can live on the crick. You both love it here. And she’d be close to her family, to Sassa.” He studied the otters. “And being married before doesn’t mean you can’t get married again.”

This was going to be more difficult than Paul had anticipated. Would it take the truth to stop Patrick? “What about love?” Paul broke off the top of a reed. “Lily doesn’t love me.”

“How do you know that? Have you ever asked her?”

Paul thought back over their exchanges. She had, at times, seemed interested in him. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t fit to be a husband.

“She’s pretty, smart, and hardworking. She’ll give you children.”

“Patrick. Stop.” Paul’s gut tightened. He knew what he needed to say. “You don’t want me for a son-in-law. I wouldn’t be a good husband.”

“What do you mean—”

“I killed my first wife.”

Patrick stared at him. “What do you mean? I don’t believe it.”

“Believe it. It’s true. She’d be alive today if not for me.” Memories pummeled Paul. “I thought I knew everything— me, the young and gifted doctor.” His voice dripped with derision. “I knew she wasn’t feeling well. She was nearly due to deliver our son and she wasn’t feeling well. She was retaining water and she’d had a seizure. I decided that bed rest would be enough.”

“What more could you do?” Patrick’s voice was filled with compassion.

“I should have put her in the hospital, delivered the baby . . . something.” Memories ripped through Paul. He’d found her in the hallway, facedown. She’d died of heart failure three days later.

Patrick put a hand on Paul’s shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I was supposed to know. I was a doctor.” The strength seeped from Paul’s legs. He sat on the log and put his face in his hands. “She trusted me. I should have known.”

Patrick sat beside him and placed an arm over his shoulder. “I didn’t know you were a doctor. Go easy on yourself. Even doctors make mistakes.”

Paul gazed at Patrick through a blur of tears. “She was my wife.” He sucked in a ragged breath. “She and my son counted on me.” He swiped away tears and tried to focus on Patrick. “So, you see I can’t marry Lily or anyone else.”

“All I see is a man carrying a load of guilt . . . unnecessarily. God doesn’t hold you accountable for a mistake. You did your best. And your wife wouldn’t want you to throw away your life.”

“My best wasn’t good enough.” Paul shook his head. “And I don’t even know if I believe in God anymore. Where was he for Susan and our little boy?” He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, holding back tears.

“Some questions in this life have no answers. But God knows.”

“I’m done with him and with marriage,” Paul nearly shouted and then stalked up the trail toward his cabin. Fresh anger and anguish swelled inside. He felt as if he’d been skinned. Would it never get better?

As he approached the cabin, he spotted Lily sitting on his porch steps. Before he could turn around, she saw him. Why was she there? Was she going to plead her case for marriage? He hoped not. He forced down his emotions, slowed his stride, and walked up to the porch.

She stood as he approached, but only glanced at him.

“Hello, Lily. Nice to see you.” He tried to keep his tone light. “I didn’t expect to find you here.”

“Didn’t figure you would.” She gripped the railing. “We should talk.”

“Sure.” Paul sat on the bottom step and motioned for her to sit.

She settled on the top step. “I know my dad talked to you tonight . . . about us getting married.”

“He did.”

“I can’t be silent.”

Paul steeled himself against what she had to say. He didn’t want to break her heart.

“I admire you, Paul, and I think you would make a fine husband.”

He groaned inwardly.

Lily looked out into the forest, then back at him. “I love my father and mother, and I want to make them happy, but . . . I can’t marry you.”

It took a moment for her words to penetrate his mind. They weren’t what he’d expected to hear.

“You’re a good man, but I want to get away from here. I want to see other places and meet new people. I’ve never been anywhere.”

Paul let out a relieved breath. “I don’t think your parents know how you feel.”

“They know. But they think I’m too young to make my own decisions.” She clasped her hands. “If I stay here and marry you, I could be happy—we would have a fine life, but I want more than fine. I want adventure. I want to be like Kate.”

“You want to be a pilot?”

“No. I want to be
like
her. She had a dream and she went after it. She’s so brave.” Lily looked at Paul, her brown eyes gentle. “I don’t think you want to marry me, either.”

“It’s not you, Lily. It’s just that I don’t want to marry anyone.” Jasper flew in and landed on his perch. “If you want to see the world, then I think you should.”

“There’s so much out there I want to experience.” Her voice trembled with excitement. “All I’ve seen are pictures of places. I want to see them for myself.”

“There’s lots of beauty in the world, but there’s evil out there too. And greedy people who could hurt you. You’ve got to be careful.”

“I know. But people like that live right here in the territory.” “True.” He studied Jasper who was preening. “Going away won’t necessarily make you happy. Happiness is something you possess, no matter where you live.”

Lily was quiet for a long moment, then asked, “But isn’t that why you came here? To find happiness?”

What could he say? Is that why he’d come? Finally he said, “I wasn’t looking for happiness exactly.”

“So, have you found what you came for?”

“Not yet.”

24

H
umming “I’m in the Mood for Love,” Kate headed down Third Street. She’d heard the song on the radio that morning and it stuck. She pulled her coupe to the side of the road in front of Paul’s hotel. He was already waiting on the sidewalk and ambled toward the car.

“Good morning,” Kate said as he slid onto the front seat.

“Morning.”

“Great day for a fair.” She put the car in gear.

“Perfect.” He rolled down his window. “Lucky for me that I stopped by the store yesterday.”

“Yeah. I’m glad you could join us. It should be fun—the more the merrier.” Kate pulled onto the street. “Is it true, Lily left for the states?”

“Yep. That’s why I was in town. I came in with the Warrens. Lily’s ship sailed yesterday.”

“Where’s she heading?”

“Seattle first. After that, I don’t know. She’s pretty excited, though.”

“How do Patrick and Sassa feel about her leaving?”

“Sassa was in tears. They’re both worried, but that’s normal. Lily’s never been out of Alaska.”

Kate nodded. “I’m happy for her.” She rolled down the car window. “Warm for September.”

“Enjoy it while you can.” Paul settled back into his seat.

“I’ve got to go by Mike’s to pick him up. Frank and Sidney are at the airfield. Frank had a run to Fairbanks last night, but he’s supposed to be back.”

When Kate pulled up at Mike’s, he was sitting on the porch steps. He strolled toward the car, his arms swinging freely at his sides. Opening the back door, he climbed in behind Kate. “You’re late,” he said, leaning forward and dropping a kiss on her cheek.

Kate glanced at Paul. She wasn’t certain he knew about her and Mike. “I’m not late.”

Mike clapped a hand on Paul’s shoulder. “Good to see you.”

“It’s been a while,” Paul said, his tone brittle.

Mike sat back, a smile on his face. “This should be a doozey of a fair. Heard there’s going to be speeches, a rodeo—all kinds of excitement. Folks are wound up over this being the colonists’ first crop.”

Kate caught a wink from him in her rearview mirror. “When we get there, what do you want to do first?” she asked.

“I’d kind of like to see the giant cabbages. The paper said there’s one that weighs twenty-five pounds.” Mike shook his head. “Can’t imagine a twenty-five-pound cabbage.”

Paul glanced over his shoulder at Mike. “Wouldn’t mind seeing that myself.”

“Who cares about cabbages?” The wind blew Kate’s hair into her eyes. “I want to ride the Ferris wheel. One was brought in just for the fair.”

When they pulled into the airfield, Mike leaned out the window, giving the field a good look. “I thought Frank was coming with us. Don’t see his plane.”

“Probably got held up somewhere.” Kate shut off the engine. “Sidney’ll know. Hope he can come. He was really excited about going.”

Mike hurried out of the car and opened Kate’s door for her. “He’s been having trouble with his plane. Wonder if he was forced to put down somewhere.”

“He might be stuck in Fairbanks making repairs,” Kate said, trying to quiet the alarm going off inside.

The three headed for the shop. Mike opened the door and held it for Kate and Paul before following them inside. Sidney was at his desk, going over a map.

“Where’s Frank?” Mike asked. “Thought he was going with us to the fair.”

“He never made it back.” Sidney’s tone was grave.

“Did he leave Fairbanks?” Kate asked.

“Yeah. He called in and told me he was on his way. Should have gotten in hours ago.”

“What time did he call?” Mike’s voice was sharp.

“’Bout five o’clock.” Sidney looked at a map in front of him. “Figure he set down somewhere’s around here.” He ran a finger along the map. “He always follows the Nenana River.” Sidney glanced out the window. “Kenny and Jack are already out looking for him.” He lifted his hat and scratched his head. “Wish he’d put a radio in that plane of his. Every one of you ought to have one.” Sidney sounded angry.

“If they didn’t cost an arm and a leg, we would.” Mike’s voice prickled with irritation.

Sidney stared at him. “I’ll bet right about now Frank’s kicking himself for not spending that arm and a leg.”

Mike ignored the comment and headed for the door. “I’ll get up in the air and have a look.”

Sidney resettled his hat on his head. “A couple of pilots from Merrill Field are searching too. One more pilot wouldn’t hurt, though. Most likely someone’s already found him, and they’ll be back in time to join you at the fair.” His tone was cheerful, but worry lay behind his eyes.

Mike turned to Kate. “You and Paul go ahead. We’ll join you later.”

“I’m not going while Frank’s missing.” Kate folded her arms over her chest. “I want to help.”

Mike pulled a pack of gum out of his shirt pocket. “Frank really wanted to go to the fair.” He unwrapped a piece and stuck it in his mouth. “He wouldn’t want all of us to miss out. It’s the biggest fair in Alaska, for crying out loud.” He chewed. “He’d want you to go. We’ll meet you there. I promise.”