Trembling (11 page)

"Stop it," said Jason. "I just caught you
—
"
"You caught shit!" I screamed. "Fuck you!" And I was so
angry that I slammed the door in his face.
I stood there fuming for several seconds. I could not believe that Jason
thought such horrible things about me. And that he'd thought them for so long.
He'd been waiting for me to be unfaithful to him, something he apparently
thought I was capable of doing at any time for any reason. And I loved Jason
more than I loved myself. I loved Jason more than life. I didn't want to
imagine a world where Jason didn't exist. I was devoted to him, body, soul, and
mind. And he thought
—
Wait. I loved him.
I opened the door.
Jason was still standing there, but he looked a little bewildered.
 
"Listen," he said. "You and Jude were lying together in bed
—
"
"Jude is gay!" I yelled. "Do I have to say it a thousand million
times?"
"Bullshit, he's gay," Jason shouted. "I see the way he looks at
you. That guy is about as gay as the Rock."
"He likes Britney Spears. And he
 
paints his fingernails
!"
"So?" said Jason.
"So, he's gay."
Jason shook his head.
"Oh, fine, whatever," I said. "The point is, nothing happened.
Nothing happened at all. And if you'd shut up for a second and stop thinking
stupid, horrible, unfounded things about me, I'd explain to you why he was even
here in the first place."
Jason pursed his lips. "Nothing happened?" he asked.
"Nothing at all. He's gay!"
Jason ran a hand through his hair. "I just thought
—
"
"I know what you thought. You made that abundantly clear."
"Well, it's not like I don't have reason, Azazel," he said. "You
have to admit that."
"Because of Toby?"
"Yeah."
"Toby is dead, Jason. How long do we have to live under the specter of
Toby? And I never felt even a thousandth of the things I feel for you for Toby.
I worship you, you dumbfuck. I can't live without you." I bit out the last
words and folded my arms over my chest.
Jason hung his head. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. He turned to walk away.
"Where are you going?" I shrieked. "Mr. Sutherland tried to rape
me!"
Jason whirled, his eyes wide. "What?" he said. And there was an edge
to his voice. A tinge of threat that terrified me.
 

Chapter Eight

aird92 (08:12:45): what the hell is going on? do u
have anything to do with what happened to her?
michaela666 (08:13:08): What happened?
aird92 (08:13:22): sutherland. is he on our payroll or not?
michaela666 (08:14:02): Oh, no. Don't tell me that he did something.
aird92 (08:14:12): i thought he was under control. u said that he wouldnt mess
everything up. or is this part of some plan u havent told me about?
michaela666 (08:14:37): I should have known that bastard couldn't keep his dick
in his pants. Dammit! Tell me everything.

By the time Hallam got home, I was nearly frantic.
Lilith had a cell phone, and she had Jason's number. We'd called it fifty
times, but Jason wasn't picking up. Every time we called, it just went to
voicemail. We left messages, each one more desperate, but it didn't seem to
make any difference.
 
Once I'd told Jason what had happened with Mr. Sutherland, he'd taken Hallam's
gun from me and left the house. He'd been angry. He hadn't said anything, but I
could tell from the way he walked.
I'd begged him not to leave. I didn't want him trying to tangle with Mr.
Sutherland. I didn't want Jason to get hurt. And I didn't like the look in
Jason's eyes. It scared me. It reminded me too much of the look Mr. Sutherland
had gotten in his eyes when he'd described strangling that girl named Linda.
Jason had swept out of the house, fierce determination written all over his
face. And . . . something else. He looked . . . I don't know. Insane.
 
Lilith had been frightened too. "Jason's kind of intense, isn't he?"
she'd said in a small voice.
Hallam got back soon after Jason did. I feverishly filled him in on what had
happened. He wasn't happy with me.
"Azazel, if I'd thought there was a chance in hell that you'd go to see
that man, I would have contacted you sooner," he said. "Liam
Sutherland is a wanted criminal in seven different countries. He's a rapist and
murderer, and he has powerful friends. How stupid could you be?"
"I know," I said. "I'm sorry."
When I told him that Jason had gone after Mr. Sutherland, Hallam got nearly as
frantic as I was. "How could you let him go?" he demanded.
"We tried to stop him," said Lilith.
"We have to find him," Hallam said.
 
The three of us piled into the car. We went to Mr. Sutherland's house. Hallam
made us stay in the car, because he didn't have a gun. (I'd lost one in Mr.
Sutherland's apartment, and Jason had the other one.) When he returned, he told
us that the apartment had been broken into and searched, but that there was no
sign of Jason or Mr. Sutherland.
"Mr. Sutherland probably went on the run after I left," I said.
"He knew that I knew where he lived."
We checked the airport, to see if Mr. Sutherland was there. The airline
personnel wouldn't disclose the names of passengers, and we weren't sure that
Mr. Sutherland would even be travelling under his own name. Hallam bought a
ticket for a plane, but he had to go through security to search the airport. It
didn't take him too long. The Sarasota-Bradenton airport was not that large,
and it didn't take too long to get through security. But they weren't there.
Then we had to wait for Hallam to get a refund on his ticket.
 
By this time, it was getting pretty late. We checked some bus stations, but
couldn't find anything.
 
"He might have just driven out of town, anyway," Hallam said.
"Or maybe he went to
Tampa
to get a flight out."
"Well, Jason probably didn't find him, did he?" I asked.
Hallam didn't know. "Jason had a head start. Maybe he pulled him out of
the airport. I don't know."
Finally, we went back home. It was after midnight. Hallam and Lilith were both
exhausted and went to bed. Hallam told me that I should do the same. I tried. I
put on my pajamas and lay awake in the dark. But I couldn't sleep. I couldn't
stop worrying about Jason. Just because I'd been able to get away from Mr.
Sutherland didn't mean that he would. I'd mostly been lucky. A few good shots.
And Mr. Sutherland had underestimated me. He'd thought I was an easy mark. I
didn't know how much of a match he'd be for Jason.
And even if Jason didn't get hurt, what if he . . . ?
 
I didn't know why it bothered me so much. But the wild look in Jason's eyes
when he'd left the apartment was just scary. I didn't know why Jason got like
that. Why he felt that he had to protect me so much. Why he felt the need to
punish anyone who hurt me.
The hours crawled by. It was dark outside. I lay in bed, staring at the
ceiling, squeezing my eyes shut every time an image of Jason broken and
bleeding appeared in my head. But it didn't work, because I could see the
images even with my eyes closed. Nothing worked.
 
At around four in the morning, I heard the door to the apartment open. I jumped
out of bed and raced into the living room. Jason stood in the living room in
the darkness. He dropped his keys on the floor.
 
Lilith was sleeping on the couch, and she stirred faintly, mumbling something
incoherent.
I didn't want to wake her up.
I took Jason's hands to lead him out of the living room. They were wet, but not
with water. It was too thick for that. Too warm.
It was blood. I knew it.
Jason was bleeding. My worst fears realized, I led him to the bathroom. I
closed the door after us and flicked on the light.
Jason's hair was plastered to his forehead with blood and sweat. There were red
streaks on his cheeks and chin. His clothes were spattered with it. And his
hands . . .
 
His hands were covered in blood.
Jason looked up at me from under his stringy, matted hair. His eyes were dull.
He looked through me.
I put my hand to my mouth to stifle the little cry that was threatening to
escape my lips.
 
"Jason, what happened?" I whispered.
 
He didn't answer. Didn't acknowledge that I'd spoken.
What had happened to him?
Shaking, I wet a washcloth in the sink and began to gently wipe away the blood,
looking for his wounds.
 
There weren't any.
I swallowed. This wasn't Jason's blood.
 
Jason wasn't hurt.
 
Oh God. What had he done? And if he'd done it because of me, was it my fault?
Jason picked up his hands. It was the first real movement I'd seen him make. He
looked at them. I'd tried to wipe away the blood, but it gathered in the
creases of his palms. Underneath his fingernails.
"So much," he murmured. "So much blood."
Oh. Oh, God.
I didn't know what to do. "We'll get rid of it," I said finally.
"We'll wash it off."
But there was a lot of it. It was all over him.
I stripped off his ruined clothes and started the shower. I got him inside, but
once there, he wouldn't move. He just stood unmoving under the water. I needed
to help him, so I got in the shower with him.
I scrubbed him and scrubbed him. Scrubbed away every trace of blood. Washed his
hair. Watched the blood wash down the drain, red and pink, swirling away from
us like it had never existed.
"Azazel," Jason said suddenly, as if he'd just recognized me. He
caught my head with both hands, looked deeply into my eyes like he was lost,
and he didn't know how to find himself.
 
"I'm here," I said.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't know what I . . ."
 
"It's okay," I said. "Whatever it is. It's okay. I love
you."
"I need you," he said, and he kissed me.
His mouth was on mine insistently. I felt like he wanted to devour me, like he
was pulling strength from my mouth.
 
I broke away. "Jason," I said breathlessly. "Jason, what
happened?"
He looked at me. He looked away. "Nothing can ever happen to you," he
told the shower walls. "Without you, I'm nothing."
He looked back at me, and his eyes were filled with tears.
 
I pulled him close, pressing my body against his. He put his lips on mine
again. I felt his hands move on my skin, stroking me through the streams of
water that rushed over us.
 
And because I didn't know what else to do, because his hands were urgent, because
I felt vulnerable and frightened, I touched him back.
The water poured over us, pounding against our naked skin. And we did the best
we could to comfort each other the best we knew how. Jason gave me his hurt and
confusion and fear and guilt, and I took it into my body. And as we crashed
into each other, I gave it all to the water. I let it wash down the drain with
Jason's tears.

* * *

My alarm went off at 6:15 the next morning. Jason
stirred and then sat straight up in bed. "What?" he said, his eyes searching
the room.
I reached over and turned the alarm off. "It's just the alarm," I
murmured to him sleepily.
Jason lay back down. He drew me into his arms. He was wide awake, even though
we'd only been asleep for a little over an hour. Jason could always be alert at
a moment's notice, no matter how little sleep he'd gotten. "Are you
getting up?" he asked me.
"Skipping school," I mumbled. I fell asleep again almost immediately,
snug and safe in Jason's embrace.
When I woke up again, it was 9:30, and Hallam was standing over my bed. His
arms were folded over his chest. He wasn't saying anything. I was still in
Jason's arms, and Jason was still asleep.
 
I looked at Hallam. He looked pissed. "Good morning?" I said.
"When did he get here?" Hallam asked. Damn. He sounded pissed too.
"Four or so," I said.
 
"You know I don't like it when the two of you sleep in the same bed,"
said Hallam.
How could he possibly be concerned about Jason and I having sex after what had
happened last night? It seemed like the least important thing to focus on.
 
"He was . . ." I searched for a way to explain what Jason had been
like last night. "He needed me," I finally settled on.
"Wake him up," said Hallam.
"We didn't get to sleep until nearly five," I said.
"Oh, spare me the details of your adolescent lust," Hallam said.
I glared at Hallam. "He needs to rest," I said.
"Wake him up," said Hallam. "And then get dressed and meet me in
the kitchen."
"Hallam," I protested.
But Hallam was already going out the door to my bedroom.
 
I sighed. I looked at Jason, sleeping next to me. His face looked so peaceful.
I didn't want to wake him. Lying next to him like this, I could hear his heart
beating, steady and warm against my ear. If we just stayed like this, I could
pretend that everything was normal and safe. I could pretend that Jason hadn't
come home covered in blood last night. We could just be . . .
 
What could we be? There was nothing normal about Jason and me. Normal kids
didn't live together with a twenty-two-year-old ex-member of a secret society.
Normal kids didn't deal with death and danger as much as we did. And normal
kids didn't feel the way about each other that we felt about each other.
 
I stroked his cheek. He stirred slightly, his lips parting. I kissed his temple,
his forehead. His eyes fluttered open.
 
"Azazel," he whispered.
 
"Hey," I replied, kissing his lips.
He held me close. "This is nice. Waking up with you."
"Mmm," I agreed.
He gazed into my eyes, a small contented smile on his lips. I smiled back. Was
there any reason that we had to move? Couldn't we just stay here, this close?
Hallam pounded on my door. "I mean it, Azazel!" he said. "Both
of you get out here."
I sighed. "Hallam wants to talk to us."
"Yeah," said Jason. "Sounds like it." He started to push
the covers aside, then stopped. "Can you get me some clothes from my
room?"
I laughed. "Sure," I said. I shrugged into my pajamas and opened the
door to my bedroom. Hallam was standing outside my door.
"I'm getting some clothes for Jason," I told him.
Hallam pushed past me into my bedroom. As I ducked into Jason's room to grab
him a t-shirt and some pants, I heard Hallam yelling at Jason.
"This is the second time this week I've caught the two of you in the same
bed," he was saying.
I sighed, rushing back with the clothes as quickly as I could. Just when I
thought Hallam was starting to be kind of cool, he turned into the same
prudish, overbearing jerk he'd always been.
"Jesus, Hallam," Jason was saying as I reentered the room, "can
you give me a second to put on some pants?"
"Don't act like that," Hallam said. "You were off doing God
knows what last night, and we were all quite concerned. Beside ourselves,
really. Just because Azazel's forgiven you doesn't mean that I have. So, don't
pretend for a second that this isn't serious."
I handed Jason his clothes and sat down on the bed. Hesitantly, I said,
"What did happen last night, Jason?"
"Oh," said Hallam sarcastically, "so you didn't ask him that
before the two of you started screwing then?"
Screwing? That wasn't a word I'd heard Hallam use before. He must be pretty
angry.
 
"It wasn't like that," I said, studying my hands. "I had to . .
." It wasn't any of Hallam's business.
Jason was holding his clothes. "Can you give me a second, Hallam?" he
asked.
 
"A second?"
"Yeah. To get dressed. Or are you jealous that Azazel got to see my penis,
and you didn't?"
 
I stood up, throwing a confused look at Jason. He didn't sound like himself. He
usually wasn't so flip.
 
Hallam rolled his eyes. "Oh, by all means, if you need your privacy."
He stalked out of the room, leaving the door open.
 
"Jason," I said.
 
"What?" he said, yanking his pants over his feet.
 
"Where were you?"
He shook his head.
 
"You have to tell me," I said. "I washed all that blood off of
you. Why did
—
"
"Not yet," Jason interrupted me. "I don't want to talk about it.
Yet."
I watched him for a minute. He wasn't looking at me. Then I followed Hallam out
of the bedroom.
 
I found Hallam in the kitchen. He was sitting at the table with his head in his
hands. I stopped in the doorway, feeling a little like I was intruding.
"Where's Lilith?" I asked.
Hallam dropped his hands and looked up at me. "I sent her out for a few
hours when I realized Jason was back."
"But is that safe?" I asked.
"I assume whatever threat Mr. Sutherland presented is neutralized,"
said Hallam. "Isn't that right, Jason?"
I looked over my shoulder. Jason was standing behind me. His hands were shoved
in his pockets. He was staring at the floor.
 
"Well?" Hallam prompted. "Isn't that right?"
Jason raised his eyes to meet Hallam's. "Look," he said, "do we
really have to do this right now? I mean, I'm kind of hungry. Maybe we should
get breakfast or something."
Hallam snorted. "Breakfast," he repeated. He gestured to the other
chairs at the table. "Both of you come in here and sit down."
As we did so, I was oddly reminded of sitting down with my parents in October.
They'd found out that Jason and I had snuck out to a party and that Jason had
beaten someone up. I'd been so certain they were going to punish me, but
instead, Jason had turned their own words against them. I remembered how I'd
realized in that moment that Jason was different. He wasn't like other guys. He
was more serious, more intelligent, more sure of himself. I looked at him now,
and I still saw all of that. I reached for his hand. He squeezed my fingers
briefly and then dropped my hand.
"You two are too young to be having the kind of sexual relationship that
you seem to want to have," said Hallam.
Oh God. Not this again. "What's the big deal?" I said. "Most
kids our age are having sex."
"Most kids your age are not living together," said Hallam.
 
"If they are," I said, "I bet they're sleeping in the same
bed."
"Besides," said Jason, "we might be young, but we've been
through a lot together. You can't tell me that we behave like normal seventeen
year olds."
Hallam shrugged. "I believe that Sunday morning, you were telling me that
the reason that Azazel was drinking so much was because you were normal
seventeen-year-olds."
I rolled my eyes. "I don't understand why this bugs you so much,
Hallam," I said. "I know that you were part of the Sons, and that
they were all celibate or whatever, but why do you care so much what we
do?"
"I'm your guardian," said Hallam.
"But you aren't our parent," I said. "And we'll both be eighteen
in a few months."
"We were together before you were even part of our lives," said
Jason. "We don't need this kind of interference."
Hallam shook his head. "You don't understand. It's not about the sex. I
couldn't care less what the two of you are doing. It's about how close the two
of you are. It's not healthy."
What? I tried to look at Jason and see his reaction that statement, but Jason
was still staring at the table. "We're in love," I said to Hallam.
"Of course we're close."
"No," said Hallam. "You two aren't in love. You're obsessed with
each other. When I look at you, it's like seeing two parts of one entity or
something. It's disturbing."
Disturbing?! "You know, I don't think you're really qualified to talk much
about love," I said to Hallam. "When have you ever witnessed
it?"
"I know that the way Jason reacts to threats to your safety is very, very
frightening. It's not normal. It's dangerous. For all of us."
I didn't say anything. Jason didn't either.
 
"Look at me, Jason," said Hallam.
Jason didn't.
"Jason," said Hallam.
Jason looked up. "What?" he asked.
"I need you to tell me what you did last night."
Jason shook his head. "I don't want to talk about this."
 
"I don't care," said Hallam. "We have to talk about this.
Incidentally, where is my gun? Did you leave it somewhere with your
fingerprints all over it?"
"I lost it," Jason said again.
"
Lost
 
it?" said Hallam.
 
"Jason," I said softly, "you do need to tell us what happened. I
can't handle you running off like that."
Jason buried his face in his hands.
 
"Did you find Sutherland?" asked Hallam.
"Yes," said Jason.
"Where was he?"
"In his apartment," said Jason. "He didn't even try to
run."
"And then what happened?" asked Hallam.
"I don't –" Jason said. "Does it really matter?"
"Fine," said Hallam. "Then tell me this. What did you do with
it?"
The gun? What did Hallam mean, "it"?
"Hallam, it's confusing," Jason said, dragging his fingers over his
face. "It's all blurry, okay?"
Hallam stood up. He leaned across the table. "I need to know. I need to
know, because I need to know if anyone's going to find it. You forget, Jason,
that we don't have the Sons to clean up our messes anymore. If you're going to
run off all half-cocked, and you don't clean up after yourself, then we're all
going to have problems. All of us. Azazel included, you understand that?"
Jason ran a hand through his hair. "Hallam, please don't
—
"
"Jason," Hallam interrupted, his voice even and low, "what did
you do with the body?"
I gasped, sitting back in my chair. Body?
Jason got out of his chair. He walked out of the kitchen.
Hallam went after him. I didn't move. I couldn't move.
 
"Answer me, Jason," he said.
Jason came back into the kitchen. He sat down next to me. He took both of my
hands in his.
 
"Is it true?" I asked him. "Did you . . ."
"No," said Jason. "No, I didn't."
"Don't lie to her," said Hallam, clapping a hand onto Jason's
shoulder.
Jason dropped my hands. He didn't look at Hallam. He didn't look at me.
 
"You saying you didn't kill him?" asked Hallam. "Then where is
he? If he's alive, he's more of a problem than if he's dead."
Jason shook his head, still staring into space. "I remember that he had a
gun, and that I kicked it out of his hands. I remember that I hit him. I hit
him a lot. I remember that he was bleeding. He was bleeding everywhere. I just
kept hitting him."
"Is he dead?"
"I don't . . ." Jason started shaking, all over.
 
I looked up at Hallam. "Don't make him
—
"
Hallam silenced me with a look. "Pull yourself together. I taught you
better than this."
Jason stood up abruptly, knocking over his chair. He advanced on Hallam. Hallam
backed up. "That's right, you did, didn't you?" said Jason. "You
taught me how to do this. You showed me." As he talked, he kept moving
forward. Hallam kept backing away from him until he was against the counter
over the kitchen sink. Jason just kept talking, angrily spitting his words into
Hallam's face. "That's why you're so angry with me now, isn't it? Because
you think it's your fault. You think that if you hadn't ever showed me what to
do, I'd never have done any of this."
"I'm not responsible for your actions, Jason," Hallam said quietly,
but he looked alarmed. "You're the only one who's responsible for what
you've done."
"What I've done, huh? Because whatever it is that I've done is so
dangerous to all of us?"
"Yes," said Hallam.
"Three things, Hallam," said Jason. "First of all, Sutherland's
not a problem anymore. He's taken care of."
I felt a little chill run through my body. What did that mean?
 
"Second," Jason continued, "while you're going on about how
horrible it is that I'm behaving the way I am, you seem to be forgetting one
important thing. I saved your life. You remember that?"
"Jason
—
" Hallam
sounded a little nervous.
"
Remember
 
that?"
"Yes."
"And you promised me that you'd always have my back too. Remember
that?"
"Yes."
"Good," said Jason. "Third, you can't tell me where to
sleep."
Jason didn't look at me as he swept out of the kitchen. I heard the door to our
apartment slam. I winced.
 
Hallam was still standing against the counter. His face was white. I swallowed,
looking at him.
 
"Well," I said. "That went well."