Unmatchable (19 page)

There was my chance to apologize, and I blew it. I was so caught up in thinking about my brother that I didn't even take the time to consider Alex's feelings in all of this. And he was too kind to bring it up. Or maybe he forgot. Whatever the case, it's over now. It's over, and I just want to go back to living my life.

A good night's sleep should have cleared my head, at least a little bit, but it didn't. I'm so distracted by my thoughts that I can't even concentrate on my texts with Colton. It's as if my feelings for him have been put on the backburner and new concerns and fears have taken their place. My mood is short and so are my responses.

Colton: I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

Ember: Yeah.

Colton: Do you want to come over to my place or do you want me to come over there?

Ember: I don't care.

Colton: If you come over here, I can try cooking you one of my five star dinners again. If that's not motivation, then I don't know what is.

Ember: Whatever you want to do.

Colton: That was a joke, I hope you know.

Ember: Yeah, I got it.

Colton: Is something wrong?

Ember: I'm fine.

Colton: You don't seem fine.

Ember: Can you read my mood through text now?

I look at my phone in annoyance.

Colton: No...

When he doesn't say anything else for several hours, I start to feel bad. I should not be taking out my crappy mood on him. He did nothing. Has no part in what upset me.

Before I leave work, I text him back.

Ember: I can't wait to see you tomorrow either.

Except for there was no way I could enjoy it if I was only going to be obsessing over Alex and my brother the entire time that I was with him. My mind was still reeling even after a whole day to process things. I was anxious and paranoid and unhappy. Something had to give.

With a sigh, I call Doctor Spalding, hoping to leverage our newfound link to schedule an emergency appointment. By some miracle, it works. Without asking any questions, she agrees to see me after hours. Probably because she assumes it's about Colton. I can't help but wonder how pissed she's going to be when she realizes it's not.

As soon as she lets me into her office, I practically throw myself onto her sofa, sinking into it and grabbing one of the decorative pillows to hug to my chest. I've spent the past three years working on being an independent woman, but right now I feel like a child. Hopefully, I've come to the right place to be consoled.

“
Did something happen?” she asks, taking a more conversational tone than normal.

“
I wouldn't be here if something hadn't happened.” I cringe as soon as the words leave my mouth. She agreed to see me after hours, and I start off by being a bitch. At least, I'm paying her for it this time. It's not a freebie appointment like the one after I saw her at the gala.

“
Tell me all about it.” She sits across from me, looking infuriatingly smug.

I can't wait to wipe that 'I told you so' expression off of her face.

“
Alex showed up at my apartment last night.” I look past her out the window. The area behind the building is heavily overgrown with trees. It gives the illusion of a calming forest, even though there are more office buildings just a few yards away.

“
Alex?” She flips through my chart.

“
My best friend from high school.” I remind her, not the least bit surprised that she forgot who he is. The vast majority of my appointments have been spent talking about my brother and my family. Mentions of Alex have been few and far between. I told her that he was my support system, but he has never been the focus of any of our conversations except for in the beginning when I talked to her regarding my feelings about him.

She finds the page on my chart with notes about him and scans through it, her eyes moving back and forth at a quick pace. “How did he find you?”

“
Probably the internet.” I gesture absentmindedly.

“
Ah.” She nods slowly. “And how did that go?”

I pour out the details of our conversation to her, leaving not a sentence unspoken. Just telling someone else what happened makes me feel a little better. That's not what I'm here for, though. I'm here for guidance—to hear her say that I'm doing the right thing by ignoring what happened. I'm not sure why I need that validation, but I do.

“
How did that make you feel?” she asks, dutifully playing the part of the psychologist.

“
Shitty. The whole thing made me feel shitty.”

“
That's understandable. You hadn't expected to be confronted with something like that. What exactly made you feel shitty about it?”

“
I feel guilty because I didn't apologize to Alex for just disappearing. Yet at the same time, I don't feel like I owe him that. It should go without saying why I did what I did.”

“
Do you think he understands why you left the way you did?”

“
Yes and no. I think he understands, but I'm not sure he accepts it.”

“
Maybe you should open a dialogue with him about it. It would be a good thing to apologize, even if you don't fully mean it. At least, then he'll know that you have remorse but that you felt you had no choice.”

“
I suppose you're right.” I shift my weight.

She glances back down at my chart. “Are you still attracted to him?”

“
What?” The question catches me off guard.

“
It says here that you used to be attracted to him. He was your high school crush. The only guy you ever loved.”

My heart sinks as I think about it. I did say that. There was a time when I loved Alex. He was my everything. The only safe haven I had in an otherwise monstrous world. It was only natural that I loved him. Now, with three years passed since we last saw each other, he's a stranger to me. I do still care about him, but I couldn't say that I love him. Find him attractive? Yes. But I would never throw away what I have with Colton to pursue him.

The fact that Doctor Spalding does not have an unbiased opinion on the matter makes me not want to answer her. I fear that whatever I say could get back to Colton, so I don't feel like I can be truthful. While it's not the first time I've realized that her connection to Colton has mucked up our doctor/patient relationship, it is the first time I've been forced to acknowledge that it's time for me to start shopping for a new psychologist. As long as Colton and I are together, her opinions of my situations will not be objective.

“
I don't love him anymore,” is all that I can manage to tell her.

“
That's not what I asked. I asked if you're still attracted to him.”

“
Even if I were, it wouldn't matter. I'm with Colton now, and Alex is just passing through.”

“
I was just curious is all,” she says innocently. “On to the subject of your brother. Do you plan to meet with him?”

“
Absolutely not,” my voice shines through with the same umbrage as when Alex asked me that question.

“
And why not?”

I blink a few times, looking at her as if it should be obvious why not. “That bastard doesn't deserve my time of day.”

“
Do you not believe that he has actually changed?”

“
Whether I believe it or not is irrelevant. The fact remains the same that I don't want to see him.”

“
Maybe you're not ready yet.” She quirks her head to the side in thought.

“
I'll never be ready. I never want to see him again.” I hug the pillow tighter.

“
I know this isn't what you want to hear,” she hesitates, “but if he has changed, then it might be a good idea for you to see him. If you continue to avoid him, you're always going to have a fear of seeing him again, and that fear will have power over you. It's obvious that it has power over you right now. The thought of seeing him has caused you to panic and wrecked your day. I think that if you saw him, it might be a healing experience for the both of you.”

This is exactly what I didn't want to hear. Part of me can't help but wonder if she's suggesting it purely out of spite for me being with Colton. I know better than that, though. Anyone who has ever opened a book on psychology knows that facing your fears is the best way to get over them.

I don't really fear Nelson. Do I? I just hate him.

“
I'm not ready,” I reply decidedly.

“
Well,” she inhales a deep breath, “that is completely up to you. I am just giving you my professional opinion on the matter. There's a chance that you'll have to face him at some point in your life. It might be good to get over it now so that it's not hanging over your head.”

I consider her words for a moment.

“
What if it doesn't go well? What if he's just as much of an asshole as I remember?”

“
Then you'll know that
he'
s
not ready.”

This isn't about him, I think bitterly. It should be about me. I'm the one who was wounded. I'm the victim in all of this.

I sigh. “We'll see. Probably not, but we'll see.”

“
Just keep an open mind about it. Okay?” She smiles at me.

“
I'll try.”

“
And how about you and Colton? How are things going with that?”

I set the pillow back down on the sofa and stand to dig in my purse for my wallet. “I didn't come here for that.”

***

If my appointment with Doctor Spalding was supposed to bring me clarity, it didn't work. I spend the rest of the night and all of the next day trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do. When I walked into Doctor Spalding's office, my resolve to never speak to Nelson again was strong. Now I'm wondering if it would be more beneficial for me to meet him than to keep avoiding him. Heaven knows I don't want to, though.

I try to clear my mind for my afternoon with Colton, but that's easier said than done. While he already knows about my baggage, this isn't something I wanted to have to face so early in our relationship. Seeming uncollected around him isn't going to do me any favors in regards to getting him to want to stick around.

When he opens the door to me, I can barely muster up a smile. He looks absolutely dreamy in a gray shirt and slacks.

He picks up on my mood instantly, his happy expression changing to concern. “What's wrong?”

There's no point in pussyfooting around the subject. “My brother is in town.”

He pulls his eyebrows together. “The one who sold you for drugs?”

“
That's the one.”

He steps forward and wraps his hands around my shoulders, scanning my face. “Do you want me to go kick his ass?”

I laugh trying to picture Mister Perfect Billionaire in a fight. He has the muscles, but I'm pretty sure they're all for show.

I force a grin. “I'm not even sure where he's staying. And even if I was, I'm not sure I'd want that type of confrontation. I wouldn't want you to get hurt or in trouble because of me.”

“
Are you saying I couldn't take him?”

I shake my head and laugh. “Last I remember, he was a skinny little shit, but I wouldn't put it past him to shank you. That kid has never played fair.”

“
Miscreants usually don't,” there's clear disdain in his voice.

“
I don't know what to do, Colton.” I rest my head against his chest.

He embraces me, making me feel protected and warm. It's exactly what I needed him to do, and I honestly wasn't sure he would. We've only known each other for a short time, and sometimes he still feels like a stranger to me.

“
Let's go sit and talk about your options.” He pulls away from me to lead me to the sofa in his living room.

We lower ourselves onto it, and he keeps my hands clasped in his. It's comforting—makes me think that he actually cares about my problems.

“
Options,” I draw out the s while I think. “There aren't many of them. I could see him. I could not see him.”

“
So you haven't seen him yet?”

“
I have not.”

“
Then how do you know he's in town?”

“
One of our mutual friends stopped by. Apparently, they work together now and are in town for business.”

“
Do you want to see him?” He brushes his fingers over the tops of mine.

I open my mouth to speak but then stop, reluctant to mention that I went to see Doctor Spalding. Knowing that she still has an effect on Colton makes me want to avoid the subject. Part of me thinks it's important to be completely honest, though.