we were one once book 2: "A Dark Romance" (10 page)

“Open your eyes. I want to watch you cry for me.” I continue pulling her up slowly and forcing her down quickly. And she gives me her tears freely. I time my thrusts to get the most out of her low, continuous moans of pain. I know she’s almost numb with it, but it makes it hard to hold back for long feeling how swollen and tight she is from my abuse of her.

I let go of one hip and she knows to keep riding me as I guide her forward with each dip onto me, pushing her faster. I run my right hand up her stomach, between her bouncing breasts, to clutch her throat.

Her eyes plead, but her voice is strangled and flat, “Please.”

“Please what, my love?” I’m getting out of breath with holding back. I squeeze my fingers on her hip and throat more. “Please choke you so you can cum hard for me like you did last night?” I know this isn’t what she means. “Say it.”

She tries to swallow against my hand, but can’t. I watch her fight the urge to bring her hands off my chest, to try to pull my hand off her. I only smile, slamming into her more. “Say it or you’ll be in your room with a plug up your bottom all day.”

Her tears make it hard to understand her, but she finally gets it out as I feel myself throb inside her, emptying deep in her. I watch her shudder and sob through her own release, squeezing me tighter than I thought she could.

I help her body slowly fall onto my chest and hold her against me, not letting her up until her tears are all spent. “That’s my good girl, my sweet Gilli girl.” I push her hair away and wipe her tears, tasting my fingers.

Her voice is raw and a whisper, still edged with tears, “Did I please you, Miles?”

“Yes. Very much.” I gently lift her off and roll with her to the side. Pushing her hair away again, I kiss her bottom lip gently. “Take a quick shower. I’ll get us breakfast…you’ve earned having it here with me this morning.” She smiles at my gift.

22

The click of the door. It cuts my days in half. Click starts my endless hours of painful loneliness and introspection by day. Click starts my endless hours of painful submission and coercion by night. By day, by night. For weeks on end.

Today is supposed to be my last day, but Miles has threatened further punishment too. He wouldn’t hesitate to prolong my solitary confinement in this room. I have no idea what he has planned really. I can only hope that he’ll let me out of here tonight and not bring me back in the morning.

And I know that the best way to make that happen is to appease him. Lying in here, quietly, day after day…it’s all I can do right now. Maybe he’ll soften, maybe he’ll be gentler if he thinks he can trust in my submission again…maybe he won’t lock me in here for another day…

Hello
?

I only hear a dull echo against the stage floor and looming darkness to my plea for the others to break my solace. Funny, the stage always seemed a brighter place before these weeks of isolation. Maybe because I felt the presence of the others more. Or because I lived on the stage more than out here. I don’t know, but it adds to my loneliness now.

As crazy as it sounds, I miss Miles when I’m in here.

This room is too spartan. One single bed with scratchy linens and blanket. One bare-bones bathroom with no walls for privacy. No mirror to reflect what he’s done to me either. But I’ve found that if I fill up the sink and let the water get very still, holding my breath and my hair back…I can just make out a reflection. I can just see the swelling and discoloring.

He never touched my face before as punishment. I worry what it means that he does now. Is he no longer afraid of being questioned? Is he so certain in his position that he doesn’t fear any accusations about abuse? Or is this a line in the sand? A demarcation of before and after, a way of showing how very different things will be between us? He’s no longer ruled by Mother’s rules, that much is clear by my watery reflection.

I turn back to the rest of the room. Hard, dark surfaces greet me. Floor, wall, ceiling and bed, all an indistinguishable muddy brown. No natural light, only one tiny exposed bulb that I have no control over. And four cameras, one for each corner, all perfectly aimed and always on. I can hear their small buzz in the silence of the room. There’s nothing else to hear except my breathing. Not even a sliver of light escapes from the hallway outside this door. I know no sound escapes from either side.

I’m supposed to stay here, not go to the stage. I’m supposed to not withdraw. Miles has made it abundantly clear what will happen if I let one of the others take my place. I wouldn’t want Baby, Lilly or Jill to have to be in here anyway. It’s too cold and dark for them. And I haven’t seen or heard from Gigi in these weeks.

But I know that if I lie on the bed and curl up with my face to the pillow, I can pretend to sleep. And I can go inside, step one foot onto the stage for a little while at least. I can seek solace with the others while still staying ready on the outside.

It’s all I have to hold onto for now. It’s all that keeps me sane during this time. I don’t know how much longer I can stay outside. I don’t think I can take another day in here by myself.

Or another night out there with him.

Am I still sane?

I ask the empty stage, but it’s really a question I ask myself yet again.

Three weeks and I’ve not just submitted to Miles’ punishments and demands, I’ve given myself to him completely. Just as before.

Even now, curled on the bed, my fingers move down between my clenched legs to find my sore sex. I’ve taken everything that he’s done, enduring the pain just as he wants. Just thinking about submitting to him, I find myself aroused and willing. I don’t like his painful punishments, I’m not like Gigi. I don’t get aroused by pain and violence. But I still find myself willingly giving in to him. I should be ashamed. How could I think about him and be excited?! After all he’s done!

Should I be ashamed
?

With no answer, my thoughts go to Simon as they have every day in here. I hang onto moments I had with him, keeping those memories alive and with me. I can’t help but compare Simon to Miles. I know our body has experienced other men, consensually and not; but I’ve only known two lovers.

Simon was gentle and demanding. I feel myself getting hotter just thinking of his kisses. Best not to think of what else his mouth could do, I think with a smile secreted by the pillow. Those thoughts only end in frustration. I wouldn’t dare try to relieve myself for fear of what Miles would think. He has the live feed from the cameras sent to him. And he questions me about my time spent in here.

And that thought makes me feel less lonely, knowing Miles is watching me.

Surely, my sanity is slipping. And I should be ashamed.

Still no answer.

My thoughts run back to Simon, a small solace while I’m imprisoned here. Knowing that he’s free and I gave him that. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know of my gift. He gave me so much, I don’t mind if he thinks the scales are tipped.

I felt safe in his arms. He was honest and raw. He didn’t hold back and he was unpredictable, but I always knew that he wouldn’t deceive me. And he wouldn’t hurt me. True, he threatened to put Gigi in a cave and torture her. But she would’ve liked it, I’m sure.

But he didn’t love only me as Miles does. I know Gigi had his heart too…

Grace?

Lilly! Oh, thank goodness…I thought I’d be here all alone today.

I feel tears of relief on the pillow. I can’t leave the physical sensations behind completely or I might give too much evidence that I’m disobeying Miles’ rule. I keep my feet firmly straddled between this room and the stage.

I’m here. So is Jill. Are you…has Miles hurt you badly?

I’m all right.

The pain is everywhere. But in these hours alone at least, I can withdraw from it. As long as I remember to act in pain for the cameras that is. It’s not difficult to pretend the shuffling steps and stooped shoulders that accompany the all too real pain when I’m out of this room.

Would you like me to come out? I’ll stay still and quiet…he won’t know, I promise.

That’s sweet, Lilly. But just having you stay with me is enough. We can’t risk doing anything to anger Miles. He promised this will be the last day in here.

He didn’t promise exactly, but I know we both need the hope. His threat of keeping us in here is enough to ensure my obedience. I’ve thought of running of course. I’ve had a few moments to myself these few weeks, but I know running right now would be foolish. I wouldn’t get down the long drive even before I would be hauled back here and in worse trouble. And he would surely take his anger out on Simon too then.

Am I a fool? Even with all that’s happened, I don’t regret coming here willingly. It was the only way to make sure that Miles wouldn’t punish Simon because of me.

You’re not a fool, Grace. You’re the bravest girl I know.

I didn’t realize I’d asked the question to her. My mind breaks up in here. It’s too similar to what Mother used to do when I was a little girl. I shudder in the cold with the hint of those memories.

I’m not like Lilly and Gigi. I don’t remember every detail of my life. My memories are clouded and never linger. The doctors said it was my ability to compartmentalize my feelings and thoughts that allowed me to accept so much of what happened in my past. Not that they really knew our past. Even with Mother gone, Miles didn’t want us telling details. I don’t know what he thought those doctors could really do if we couldn’t confide anything to them…but we wouldn’t have shared with strangers anyway, even without his warning.

But I think they may have been right. My painful memories sift through me like sand through stretched fingers. Only small pieces cling and stay around for me to keep, the rest just disappear. I know not where and I don’t care.

It makes living through these weeks of isolation and punishment bearable. Even with being forced to experience all the pain that accompanies the nights with Miles, only my body retains the mark of each blow. I’ve already forgotten most of what happened on our honeymoon night.

That doesn’t make me brave, only lucky I think.

Thank you. I only meant that I haven’t thought about escaping.

What would be the point? Jill and I have talked for hours, coming up with all sorts of plans, but until you can walk around freely…what’s the point?

I sigh with her straight-forward logic. I want to tell her that it’s not the question of whether or not there’s a possibility of escape, but the fact that I’ve not planned one on my own that has me feeling a fool. And questioning what’s wrong with me. I could talk to Gigi about this; she wouldn’t empathize with me, but I wouldn’t have to explain it to her either. Lilly’s too young to understand my self-doubts.

Have you seen Gigi?

Lilly only shakes her head in response.

Sighing into the pillow, I turn over and stare up at the brown ceiling. But Lilly’s voice has me face down in the pillow again to hide my reaction, an excitement at a possible distraction. Anything is better than more brown loneliness.

I think you should know what she’s up to though. She got rid of the others.

What do you mean? What others?

You know…the ones we never see, but we can hear crying or screaming sometimes.

I shudder and hold myself in the same manner as Lilly. Terrible sounds come from the dark corners beyond the light of the stage.

How did she get rid of them?

Lilly only shrugs in reply before adding,
I only know that they’re gone. See for yourself.

I risk stepping fully inside and walk to the edge of the stage. What was only darkness before is now lighter. Not light. But illuminated somehow. It reminds me of the night sky when the moon isn’t full and stars so far away seem brighter. And the silence is like being under water, every sound is muffled and carried away to limitless depths.

I retreat back out quickly.

But a thought occurs to me in a panic,
Where’s Baby?

Lilly shrugs again, but doesn’t add what we both think now.

We’re silent for so long, I almost fall asleep in the emptiness of this room. Lilly’s voice is shy and quiet when she speaks again.
Would you like me to tell you your horoscope, Grace?

I feel a smile spread across my lips. I know she has countless charts and readings memorized. I think she could predict our days for each of us for another millennium without ever having to consult her computer program and books.

Yes, please.

Saturn is in Scorpio now, so you’ll have a grave struggle to gain control over your own circumstances. But there is an end in sight with a full moon lunar eclipse signifying closure. Even this is complicated though with a hard angle to Pluto and Uranus. Expect the unexpected. But hold onto the hope the full moon promises still.

It’s not as hopeful as I was hoping for, but an end in sight is something. Hearing Lilly talk about horoscopes and future plans for escape is nice. I can convince myself that she’s right. Nothing is so bad today. And we’ll be free again tomorrow. I’ve convinced myself of more with a lot less to go on.

I’ve been able to take all that Miles has done before. I can take it still. Even without Gigi’s help at taking the pain. I can give myself to him, even as I fear what he will do next. I’ve done this before. I can do it again. What choice is there but the one I’ve already made to stay?

As long as I don’t have to stay in this tiny room, I’ll be all right. His anger will end as it has before. I have the full moon’s promise.

I can bend my mind and body to be what he wants, what he needs. And I can be happy with that. I can get what I need out of what Miles offers. It isn’t the love I had with Simon. But he does love me. Doesn’t he? He did choose me, and that’s something...

Thank you. I will hold on. You should check on Jill now…I can tell she’s very upset.

She wants to destroy your cell. She thinks she could break the door down if she uses part of the bed…

I’m sure she could. Tell her when the time is right, I’m sure she’ll be strong for all of us.

I’ll wait until he comes in to leave.

Thank you.

I can see Lilly sitting cross-legged in the light, her fingers twisting and turning in puzzles interlocked. I can just barely see Jill in the start of the shadows with her hands stuffed in her pockets and her lanky hair pulled down in front to further hide her features.

I close my eyes, to blot out the brownness of this room. My cell.

And I force myself to not think of Gigi, Baby, Simon or even Miles. I force myself to sleep and think of waking free from here and strong enough to take what will come next, whatever that may be.

My dreams walk me along a beach in a full moon. I can almost feel the sand shifting and memories fading in the pale light.