What Happiness Looks Like (Promises) (8 page)

“So where is he? He says he’s working late all the time and twice now he’s taken off without any explanation.”

Joely lowered her eyebrows. “Really? What else is he doing that’s different?”

“I don’t know. It’s a gut feeling that something’s off. It’s like he’s checking out emotionally.”

“Have you read any suspicious text messages?”

“No.” Kate had never spied on him. She craned her neck to scan Mitch’s dresser. Unfortunately, she couldn’t start now because he’d taken his cell phone with him.

“Come with me.” Joely pulled her up and they went into the spare bedroom. Joely sat at the computer desk and opened up e-mail. “What’s his password?”

Kate said it was the day she and Mitch had first met: September fifth.

An incorrect password message came on the screen. Joely turned around to look at her. “Are you sure that’s his password?”

Kate nodded. “Yes. It’s the same password for everything. Try again.”

Joely typed it again, but it still didn’t work. “He probably abbreviated September or included the year or something.” She tried a few variations on the date to no avail. Her eyes remained on the screen, her fingers hovering over the keyboard. “I know. Let’s check out his Facebook page.”

“Why?” Joely liked keeping in touch with her friends in Michigan with Facebook, whereas Kate hadn’t bothered to stay active with it. She used to post vacation pictures or talk about cute things Anna said. But now all she could think to write was “I’m still not pregnant.” She jammed her hands in her pockets. “You think he changed his status from married to single?” She chuckled half-heartedly.

Joely kept typing. “No. I’m sure there’s nothing there. That way you can stop worrying.” She logged onto her Facebook page and clicked onto Mitch’s profile.

Within seconds, Kate could see the random thoughts that Mitch’s friends had chosen to share with the world: Just won a bid on eBay, The company’s sending me to Japan for two months, Did you see that grandfather clock on Antiques Roadshow? Kate scanned the messages for something telling. “Here’s something. ‘Call me next time you need a break from your wife.’” She dug her fingernails into her palms. Her eyes darted to the square picture next to the posting. The photo wasn’t of a person, but of Big Ben. “Who the heck is that?” Mitch’s social network consisted mostly of business colleagues and people he’d met at flea markets.

Joely stared at her with sad brown eyes. “I know what it says is mean, but at least Big Ben sounds like a guy.”

Kate could tell Joely was trying to make her feel better. She looked at the posting’s date: the day after the Thomkins’ disastrous visit. The first night Mitch chose to sleep apart.

Joely’s fingers started their staccato rhythm across the keyboard again. “I’ll log on directly to Mitch’s Facebook page to see Big Ben’s profile. We’ll find out who this guy is.” She keyed in September fifth and all of its variations, but it said it was wrong, too.

“Why would he change his password?” Acid pooled in her stomach. Something was seriously wrong in her marriage.

She gently tapped Joely’s shoulder with her knuckles. “Move over.” Kate typed in “cheating”.

The Internet had all sorts of information on cheating: cheating on your taxes, cheating at poker, how to tell if your spouse is cheating. She clicked on the last one. Needing time alone and working late were two sure-fire signs. Changing passwords and time unaccounted for were also on the list.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

JOELY

Joely sat stiffly in the corner chair of Jake’s hotel room, pretending to read a magazine, while Jake continued teaching Anna the rules of chess. Competition and strategy weren’t of interest to Joely, but she was pleased that Jake and Anna had so quickly found common ground.

Anna’s hair was stringy from splashing around in the hotel pool for a couple of hours. She had to be getting tired, but she appeared to be quite alert. Where did kids get their energy?

As the sun sank, Jake ordered room service. Anna wolfed down her overly priced PB & J, then begged Jake to get back to their game. Watching the minute hand edging closer to Anna’s bedtime while seeing the joy on her daughter’s face tore Joely up inside.

Anna yawned with her mouth wide, revealing her bottom missing baby tooth. A moment later she did it again. By the third yawn, Joely insisted that they needed to go.

“Aww, Mom. Can’t I stay a little while longer?” Anna asked.

With a soft groan, Jake stretched his long legs and checked his watch. “I think this game could go on for hours and I’ve got to head back to Michigan in the morning.” He picked up the chess pieces and placed them in a velvet bag.

Tears shimmered in Anna’s eyes. “Please don’t go away again.”

Clearly guilt-ridden, he shot Joely a desperate
“What do I say?”
look.

She raised her eyebrows. Hell, she wasn’t going to help him. If he was going to make Anna cry, then he deserved to feel like crap about it.

He knelt in front of Anna, much the way he had when he proposed to Joely all of those years ago. “I don’t live here, AJ. I have to go home. But I’ll be back.”

Anna’s eyelashes stuck together from her tears. She blinked. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

Anna reached her arms around his neck and squeezed. She clung to him so long that when Joely pried her fingers off, she wouldn’t have been surprised to see tiny little handprints outlined against his skin.

Joely cringed, knowing this was probably the last they’d see of him for a while. Maybe ever. She stared at him, trying to look foreboding. “Remember you said you’d stay involved.”

He nodded and shrugged, sending her mixed signals. Just like always.

KATE

“Mrs. H?” The young female voice on the phone sounded familiar, but Kate couldn’t quite place it. Caller ID simply listed the digits and she didn’t recognize them. Was it one of her clients at the counseling center? That’s where she was headed, but her first appointment wasn’t for thirty minutes. She barely had time to eat a quick breakfast before she needed to go.

Shoving her feet into a pair of navy pumps, she tripped over a stack of Anna’s drawings. Annoyed, she shook her head. Joely needed to figure out a better place to store them. “This is Kate Hopper.”

“Mrs. H, it’s me. Lily.”

She stiffened. Lily was one of her former high school students and one of her biggest heartbreaks. She only called every once in a while—when she hit bottom. “Are you all right?”

“I’m in the hospital.” Lily moaned as if in pain.

Kate’s heartbeat sped up. “What happened?” Her hand pressed the phone tight against her ear.

“You’re the only person I could think to call. . . Owww!” The line went dead.

Kate hit star sixty-nine, but no one answered. Fearing the worst, she dropped the phone and dashed out the door. Had Lily been in an accident? Kate’s own father had died in a car accident—smashed by a semi-trailer.

Hoping Lily wasn’t hurt too badly, Kate sped to Foxworth Community, the only hospital in the county. When Lily attended Foxworth High, Kate had done all she could, but as her school counselor, she’d had her limits. No matter how hard she had tried not to take her work home with her, some kids got to her. Lily had been one of those students.

Her contact with Lily since then had been sporadic, but she had never forgotten about her. Never stopped wishing the girl would realize her own potential, make better choices and pull herself out of poverty. Clearly, it wasn’t easy to do without any family support.

Kate parked her car and rushed into the ER. She asked at the desk where Lily was. Studying her computer screen, the nurse furrowed her brow and Kate panicked, wondering if this was the right hospital. The woman hit a few more keys and then sent Kate upstairs.

The elevator doors opened and Kate couldn’t quite bring herself to step out. She stood on the threshold and took it all in. The antiseptic smell, the glossy white floors, babies crying. It didn’t seem possible, but her heart pounded harder.

Finally, she forced her legs to carry her to the designated room where she found Lily in bed. As usual, her long, red hair was wild and covered the tattoo Kate knew marred the young woman’s neck, the one that said “Hate.” It illustrated Lily’s coping skills—she pushed people away before they had a chance to hurt her. She looked out of place in her aqua hospital gown rather than ripped jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. The mound in her belly definitely was new. Kate had bumped into her at Wal-mart a few months ago and hadn’t realized that she was pregnant.

Still gripping the doorknob, Kate forced herself to breathe. She didn’t want to be here.

A monitor displayed a green wavy line. Lily noticed her staring at it. “That’s supposed to tell me when a contraction is coming. But they hit me out of nowhere.”

Kate made her way closer to the bed, realizing she’d never been with someone when they gave birth. Joely had gone into premature labor and they’d rushed her to the operating room. Her doctor had insisted that Kate, the unnecessary labor coach, remain in the waiting room. Bad memories of that night bombarded her—Joely collapsing on the sidewalk, the ambulance siren, the color draining from her sister’s face. Kate closed her eyes, trying to shut out the thoughts.

She reached to touch Lily’s arm, but Lily pulled away. As an adolescent and a victim of child abuse, Lily had guarded her personal space more than most people. Apparently some things hadn’t changed. So Kate smiled. “You’re going to have a baby. That’s exciting.”

“The pain is insane.”

At one time, Kate had naively contemplated her own birth plan. She liked the idea of a scheduled C-section. She wanted to know when and where she would deliver. She could put it on her calendar, take the day off of work, pack her bag and be ready. The problem was that she hated needles. Therefore, she’d also toyed with the idea of natural childbirth. Ultimately, she knew that she couldn’t say for sure what she’d choose until she felt labor pains of her own. Oh, what she’d give to feel a contraction!

The young girl’s eyes implored her. “Can’t they give me something to make it stop hurting?”

Such a personal decision. Kate swallowed. “Didn’t you take any prenatal classes where they discussed your options?”

She shook her red head. “I couldn’t afford to.”

Kate thought the classes might have been free. Was she making up an excuse? Too late now anyway. “Some women get an epidural which numbs you from the waist down, but others decide it will be over in a few hours and do it naturally.”

“An epidural is a shot, right? I don’t know. What do you think I should do?”

Why wasn’t Kate the one lying there ready to give birth? She was ready. She and Mitch were so ready. “Lily, you’re a grown woman. Only you can make that decision.” There was an edge to her voice.

“Owww!” Lily clutched her rounded belly. Her head jerked to the left and her right knee lifted. She looked like someone jumping jack-knife style into a swimming pool.

Regret washed over Kate. She shouldn’t envy Lily. A pregnant and alone twenty-year-old girl couldn’t possibly warrant jealousy. And yet Kate did covet her situation a little. She looked at Lily’s twisted face. Instinctively, she stroked the fine hairs on Lily’s forearm to try to comfort her. Lily didn’t seem to notice.

In the middle of the contraction, Lily shouted into the air. “I want some drugs.”

Even though Lily wasn’t looking at her, Kate nodded. “I’ll go tell the nurse.” She hurried down the well-lit corridor, averting her eyes from the window displaying the hospital’s newborns. Once she arrived at the counter of the nurse’s station, she listened as a nurse explained that Lily had to wait because the anesthesiologist was busy. There were a lot of babies across the county that had decided to enter the world that day.

Nagging at Kate as she walked back was the fact that her clients would show up for counseling and she wouldn’t be there. She’d left her calendar at home so she didn’t know whom to call. When she first opened her agency, she’d hired a secretary, but it wasn’t financially feasible to keep someone else on the payroll. She wished desperately that she could call a secretary and have her reschedule all of today’s clients. Instead, she’d just have to apologize profusely later.

Returning to Lily’s room, Kate was glad to see that the contraction had passed. She encouraged Lily to talk about what she’d been doing lately.

Lily tugged at the end of a jagged fingernail. “I’m living with someone, but he doesn’t want a kid. I promised him I’d get an abortion, but I kept putting it off.” Their conversation flowed rather smoothly, which was unusual. Typically, Kate did most of the talking, but today Lily had plenty on her mind. She talked about her boyfriend and all the crazy side effects of being pregnant—like being hungry all of the time and having to go pee all of the time.

Who knows how much time passed, but eventually Lily’s labor pains took center stage. Her body tensed with another contraction.

Kate stood by and watched, wishing she could do something. She remembered some of the training she’d received for her sister’s pregnancy. “Picture a place where you feel safe.”

Lily slammed her fist against the bed rail. For a moment, she didn’t answer, consumed with pain. Every muscle in her body seemed to clench. “No place.”

The neck of the gown had shifted to reveal the dot of discolored skin near Lily’s collarbone. Kate winced as her gaze settled on the scar. As a child, Lily had been burned with cigarettes, locked in closets and molested. After CPS took her away from her mother and her mother’s boyfriend, she’d been bounced from one foster care home to another. In high school she’d been kicked out of a home for sleeping with a knife under her pillow. Kate would’ve slept with a weapon nearby, too, if she’d been tortured the way Lily had. One key question remained in Kate’s mind: Was it possible to heal a person who’d never felt loved?

Kate’s childhood had been tragic, but she at least had adoring parents until she was orphaned at ten. And she’d never been physically abused. Even so, conjuring up a serene place during meditation class had been difficult for her. She tried to think of a suggestion. “Picture the beach. Have you been to the beach?”

Again, Lily’s head moved from side to side, flattening her red hair even more. “Never.”

How could she live an hour or so from the Indiana Dunes and have never been there? Had she never been on a vacation? Probably not. No one to take her. “You’ve seen photographs of the water, seagulls in the sky, people lying on the sand?” Surely she’d seen a beach in a TV commercial or something.

Taking short, shallow breaths, Lily nodded.

“Imagine you’re floating on one of the white clouds up in the sky,” Kate said. “You’re light as air, looking down at the calm blue water.”

Ever so slightly, Lily’s face relaxed, even though she kept one hand clutched to her belly.

“Now, listen to the wind.”

A moment later the contraction ended. “It’s over. Hey, thanks. I never believed in that ‘go to your happy place’ shit, but it really works.”

Kate smiled. She’d always liked Lily. She saw a bright, young woman who didn’t seem able to navigate the social world on her own. More likely, didn’t want to. It kind of surprised Kate that she had managed to get close enough to anyone in order to end up pregnant. But she’d probably used sex as a way to get a place to live. And now she’d lost that.

“Where will you and the baby go when you leave the hospital?”

Lily shrugged. “I can’t go back to Butch’s place if I have a baby. So, I was thinking maybe I could leave the baby here. They could find it a good home.”

How could she talk so casually about giving up her baby? Apparently she hadn’t matured much since high school. Kate swallowed. “Are you sure you want to do that?”

She looked away. “It doesn’t matter what I want. This baby doesn’t deserve to have me for a mother.”

Ah, she did care. She just didn’t have faith in herself. “Lily, you’ll be a good mother if you want to be. You just have to make up your mind.”

Lily picked at her cuticles. “I come from a long line of bad mothers. I think it’s a DNA thing.”

“That’s not true. You’ve always had the potential to do better than your parents. You simply need to try. Having a baby. . .that’s special. That’s what life is all about.” Tears prickled at her eyes.

Lily turned her head so she could focus on Kate. “Why don’t you adopt my baby?”

Kate’s throat dried up. Lily had no idea that a baby would solve all of her and Mitch’s problems. They’d been happily married for nearly a decade before all of this infertility stuff gnawed away at their joy.