Z-Burbia: A Zombie Novel (22 page)

“And be sitting ducks?” Stick laughs. “Great plan, old man.”

Critter shrugs, his eyes still closed. “Just spit ballin’.”

“We’ll go south and cross the river,” Leeds says. “Then hike it in
to the backside from Jonestown Rd. It’ll be night and we’ll have plenty of Zs to watch out for, but it’s our best bet. I can guarantee that Vance has men all up and down the French Broad close to the subdivision. He’ll be expecting something, just not from the direction we’ll be coming.”

“Wait,” I say, my mind finally catching up. “The main group is all decoy? And we’re the cavalry?”

“You aren’t anything, civvie,” Stick says. “You’re a liability.”

“That knows the layout of the neighborhood,” I say smugly. They just stare at me. “What?”

“We’ve been in your neighborhood more than once,” Leeds says. “You have the tan couches, right? And the pool table?”

I try to swallow, but my mouth has gone dry.

“We get bored,” Reaper says, finally speaking. “Like really bored.”

A low whistle has everyone crouching and backing into the underbrush.

“What the fuck?” I say.

Critter’s eyes are open now.

“Company,” he whispers. “Fuck me. How the hell were we followed? No one can track me.”

“Should we hide?” I ask, spinning about. “Where the fuck did they all go?” I stop spinning and look at the top of the ridge. “Ah, shit.”

Elsbeth.

She’s standing there with The Bitch in her hand, her eyes darting from side to side. I see a tiny red dot light up on her chest. Then another one and another. She looks at me and frowns
, and then looks down at herself. Her eyes go wide and she looks up at me in alarm.

“Don’t shoot!” I shout. “She’s friendly! I repeat! She’s friendly!”

“You don’t have to repeat,” Stick says from right behind me.

I cry out and nearly piss myself as the others come out of the brush.

“It’s that cannibal girl,” Platt says. He looks over at me. “She’s with you?”

“She is now,” I say. “Long story.”

“Make it a short one,” Leeds says. They wait.

I fill them in.

“Anything else we should know?” Leeds asks. “Any other strays you brought home?”

“Nope,” I say
, “that’s it.”

“You any good with a rifle?” Stick asks Elsbeth. “I’ve seen you use that
bat and blades, but can you shoot?”

“Don’t need to,” Elsbeth says.

“Fair enough,” Stick nods.

“John. Bring it in,” Leeds calls out. “John?”

“Fucking bitch knocked me down,” John says as he comes staggering into the clearing, his hand rubbing his head. “Jumped me from one tree over.”

The team all look at Elsbeth in awe
, then start to laugh.

“You got taken by a canny!” Stick hoots. “Oh, you’re never living that down!”

“She jumped me while I was in the damn tree,” John says. “You ever had that happen before? Fucking spider monkey.”

“Laugh it up on the trail,” Leeds says. “We move out now.”

Critter gets up, wiping the dirt and leaves from his ass, and smiles at me.

“Whatcha think of my find?” he asks. “Not what you were expecting, was it?”

“I’m pretty much done with expectations,” I say. “No point in them.”

“Took ya this long to figure that out?” Critter asks. “You must have been living a charmed life, boy.”

“Don’t call me boy, please.”

“His name is Long P
ork,” Elsbeth says.

This, of course, leads to another round of laughter. Great.

I’d love nothing more than to rest, but Critter and the team all start hiking back the way we came. Or at least I think it’s the way we came. Hard to tell with all the circling and doubling that happened. Luckily, just as I think my leg is going to fucking fall right off, we get to a rocky outcropping.

“Have a seat,” Critter says
, “I won’t be long.”

“Oh, thank
God,” I say and fall on my ass, my lungs heaving, my body feeling like it’s one giant, throbbing, sore muscle.

“Don’t get too comfortable, princess,” Stick says. “We aren’t done yet.”

I laugh and look to see if Elsbeth is mad. Then realize he’s calling me princess. God dammit. Like Long Pork isn’t bad enough.

I sigh and sit up on my elbows as I hear a low rumbling. Is it an earthquake? Not unheard of in the Blue Ridge since the mountains are on a fault line, but pretty rare. Then half the hillside in front of me slides away and I scramble to my feet.

“Everyone in,” Critter says as he pulls out of the hill in an Army Humvee. “We got miles to go before we sleep.”

“You a poet now, Critter?” John asks as he climbs into the short bed in the back, his sniper rifle at the ready.

“You got this rig geared up?” Leeds asks.

“Everything we can possibly need,” Critter says. “We’re good to go.”

We all load in. Leeds is up front with Critter driving. I’m crammed into the back seat with Elsbeth next to me, Cob to my right and Reaper to Elsbeth’s left. Stick and Platt are in the bed behind us with John. Critter jumps out and scrambles away, leaving the Humvee idling. The hill closes behind us and then Critter is jumping back in.

“Can’t leave the back door open, now can we?” he smiles.

Off we go, and despite being cramped, I am very glad I’m off my leg. I don’t think I can walk another mile on it without crying. And it would suck to cry in front of these guys. That would just lead to another nickname.

“Now you can nap,” Reaper says
, “get some rest. It’s going to be a long night.”

I lean my head back and shuffle around, trying to get comfortable.

“Dude, stay still!” Cob snaps.

“Sorry,” I say.

I close my eyes and try to take deep, even breaths to calm down. I’d really like to get some sleep, if I can. But there’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep while Critter has us bouncing along the back trails. Half the time I think he’s going to drive us right off a cliff before he takes a sharp turn and keeps us alive. I may be exhausted, but my mind is on full alert. It sucks, because I really do need the sleep.

“Wake up, sunshine,” Stick says, poking me with the barrel of his gun. “Nap time is over. You’re gonna miss graham crackers and milk if you don’t hustle.”

“Huh? Whu?” I mumble as I pull myself up from the backseat of the Humvee. I look past him and see the sun has gone down. “What time is it?”

“Does it matter anymore?” Stick muses. “Time is so relative. Do you have a doctor’s appointment to get to? Are you going to miss your favorite TV show?”

“Stop fucking with him, Stick,” Reaper says, shoving the man out of the way. “Here, let me have a look at your leg. Don’t want you dying of infection before you can get shot by Vance’s peeps.”

“That’s comforting,” I say as I unbuckle my pants and gingerly push them down.

“I’m known for my bedside manner,” Reaper says.

“That’s why we call him Reaper,” Stick says
, “because Angel of Death was just a little too spot on, ya know?”

I wince as Reaper prods my wounds. “Not infected, but you need to keep it clean. And stay off of it if you can.”

“Funny,” I say. “Can I pull my pants up?”

“I’ve seen his penis,” Elsbeth says from behind them.

The two men freeze and wait without looking back.

“Is she still there?” Stick asks.

“Yes,” Elsbeth says, “it’s bigger than Pa’s was.”

“Oh, that does it,” Stick says, bolting.

“Yeah, I’m outta here too,” Reaper says, leaving me alone with Elsbeth.

She wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “I’ve never been in a boat.”

“You’re quite the non sequitur generator tonight, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know,” she says and turns around. “They say that’s a boat. Or a raft. Which is a kind of boat. I asked why they don’t just call it a boat all the time. They said because it’s a raft. But it’s also a boat. Which is dumb. These guys are soldiers and they’re dumb.”

“She’s a real charmer,” Critter says as I step out of the Humvee. “If she wasn’t so attached to you, I’d snatch her up myself. But I value my life.”

“He’s old and mean,” Elsbeth says, sticking close to me.

“I’m married,” I say to Critter. A little too loudly as I get shushed by Leeds.

“I’d like
not to alert Vance to our presence, please,” he says, looking me up and down. “You going to be good for the next leg?”

“Funny,” I say
, “you guys are like the joke brigade.”

“What did I say?” Leeds asks.

“You made a pun, Captain,” John says from above us. I glance up, but can’t see him through the leaves in the dark.

“Fuck,” Leeds says
, “I hate puns.”

“Why, Captain?” John asks. “What’d they ever do to you?”

“Okay, I think we’ve let off enough steam,” Platt says. “Game faces. We need to be at the river in fifteen. Any longer than that and we miss the window between biker patrols. We have two miles of river to float down before we can cross. Then we take the bank, work our way up Jonestown Rd, and back behind Whispering Pines. Even with guards watching, we should be able to stumble along like Zs and get through.”

“What if the guards are my people?” I ask. “You aren’t going to kill them, are you?”

“For a thinker, you don’t do much thinking,” Cob says. “There’s no way Vance will put your people on guard. If he hasn’t butchered them all, then he’s got them locked down tight.”

“Butchered them all?” I ask. “Do you think he has? I really think Brenda will talk him out of that.”

“Right,” Leeds says. “Brenda Kelly.”

“What?”

“Let’s just say that she’s on our watch list,” Leeds says. “Even without Vance’s influence, she’s a piece of work. The lady likes her secrets and special missions.”

I think about the mission that got us into this mess. She had us thinking we were doing one thing when it turned out we were doing something completely different. Which we kinda fucked up. Hence the mess.

I’m left with my own thoughts as Platt orders strict silence while we hike it to the river bank, leaving the Humvee behind covered in brush and branches. It does only take us about fifteen minutes to get to the bank, but in that time, my leg is screaming. How the fuck will I make it up Jonestown Rd and then across the field, through the wires and down the cliff?

“You okay, Long Pork?” John asks, suddenly at my elbow. I hate the way these guys move. “You’ve got a hitch in your giddy up.”

“Quiet,” Platt says as I watch the men get the raft inflated and ready. He points at Elsbeth and me. “In.”

I have to help Elsbeth and she almost dumps us into the river, but I keep my balance, and hers, and we plop down and wait.
Critter is right behind us. Reaper, Cob, Platt, and Leeds, hop in too while Stick and John shove us away from the bank and then roll into the raft, guns on the sides, ready. We let the current pull us along, not wanting to paddle and make any more noise than we have to.

The two miles take forever, but soon we are at the opposite bank, right where the men want us. This time we get plenty wet as we get out. Stick pulls the plug and deflates the raft, rolling it up and setting it beneath some bushes
, while the rest check their weapons and get ready for the hike to Jonestown Rd. If my bearings are right, then we are only around the corner. That is good, because my leg is killing me. Bad because that means I still have to get up Jonestown Rd.

“Lean on me,” Elsbeth says as we get to the bottom of the road and start to leave Hwy 251 behind. “I can help.”

My pride doesn’t even blink as I let her take some of the weight off my leg. I’m slowing the men down and I can see from their body language that they are less than pleased, but not one says anything. It seems like eternity, but eventually we get to the top.

“Zs,” John says, motioning for us to get down.

He slips forward in a crouch with Stick on his tail. I can barely see them as they come up on several shapes in the dark. It’s over before I know it and we’re moving again. Then we stop.

“More Zs,” John hisses. “What the fuck?”

I don’t know what he’s used to, but I’m pretty used to Zs hanging around. They tend to do that in the zombie apocalypse. There are considerably more of them this time and Cob and Platt join in before they take them down.

One last yard and we’re at the field above Whispering Pines.

“Son of a bitch,” Leeds whispers, “that’s one way to cover your six.”

I peer into the dark and realize I can’t see shit. Not because it’s pitch black, it’s not; there is plenty of light coming up from Whispering Pines. I can’t see shit because of all the Zs. Hundreds of them. Those not caught in the rolls of razor wire are milling about, shambling and groaning, their arms dangling at their sides, legs shuffling through the dirt and dead grass.