01. Chasing Nikki (25 page)

“And there’s
nothing wrong with that.  We all grieve differently, Chase.  There’s no right
or wrong way.  The important thing is to just keep trying.”

I snorted. 
“That’s where I failed.  I lost the desire to try.  I didn’t want to feel
anything.  It was too difficult.”

“But you
overcame it.  Look at you.  You had to do some things the hard way, like being
arrested, and doing community service, but you survived it, didn’t you?  You
changed some things, you made new friends, and you carved yourself a new life
with a promising future.  You need to start seeing the good inside of
yourself.  It’s definitely there.  I happen to think you’re your own worst
critic.”

“That’s
probably the truth.  I think I’ve just been living with my flaws for so long
now, that’s all I see sometimes.”

“I don’t
believe that.”

“Why?”

“I’ve
watched you.  You exude confidence.  Every time you step on that football field
I see a guy who knows he’s in control.  He knows he can conquer what’s in front
of him.  It’s in the way you walk, in the way you talk, even the way you act. 
No one messes with or gets in the way of Chase Walker.  If I were to look up
confident in the dictionary, your picture would be next to it.”

I chuckled
at the image she was creating, shaking my head at the analogy.  “I’m glad I
have you fooled.”

“Have you
ever wanted something and not gone after it?”

I thought
about that, truly trying to come up with an answer and not finding one.

“See what I
mean?  When you make up your mind to do something, you commit to it
completely.  You go after it until you get it because you
know
you
can
get it.  You don’t stop until you have things the way you want them. You’re
confident.”

Our
conversation was interrupted by a nurse who came in. 

“Good
morning.  We’re getting ready to wheel Nikki down to CT and see how these
steroids are helping her swelling.  The doctor would like to get her into
surgery as soon as possible.”

“Okay, thank
you,” Justine replied while the nurse checked Nikki’s I.V. and unhooked her
from the monitors.

“Can we go
with her?” I asked.

“Sure, you
can walk down there with us, if you’d like.  You’ll have to wait outside of CT
while we do the scan though.”

“Alright.  I
just want her to know we’re there with her.”

“No
problem.” 

Another tech
arrived, and he began to release the brakes on her hospital bed.

“Nikki, can
you hear me?” the nurse asked as she shook her shoulder gently.

Nikki opened
her eyes slightly and mumbled something.

“We’re
taking you for a ride down to CT to run a scan and see how things are
progressing for you.”

“Okay.” She
looked between her mom and me with a tired expression.  “Are you coming too?”

“Yep.  You
think I’m gonna let this guy go traipsing about this hospital on a joyride with
my girl?”  I winked at her, and everyone laughed.

“Ouch,”
Nikki said, moving her hand toward her chest.  “That hurts.”

“Sorry,
baby.  I didn’t mean to make you laugh.”  I felt horrible.

“It’s okay. 
I like hearing your snarky sense of humor.  It makes me feel good.”  She seemed
a little out of breath, but she smiled at me, reaching to clasp my hand for a
moment as her bed rolled past.

Justine and
I followed after her, and she slipped her arm in mine.  “Thank you for being
here with us, Chase.  It means a lot.” She leaned her head briefly onto my
shoulder.

I covered
her hand where it rested on me.  “I don’t want to be anywhere else.”

The tech
directed us to some seats in the hallway when we reached the room.

“I love
you.” I reached to give Nikki another caress.  “We’ll be right here.”

“Thanks.  I
love you too,” she said, and the tech pushed her bed through the doorway where
there was another person in a lab coat waiting.

The door
slowly closed behind them, and Justine and I sat down.

“How long do
these things take,” I asked.

“It
shouldn’t be too long.  They just need to get some good shots of the area so
the radiologist can read them.”

“I wish
they’d let us go in.  I hate her having to do all this stuff alone.”

Justine put
her arm around me and gave me a slight hug.  “I’m glad that you want to help
her.  She’ll need that support.  She’s tough kid though, and a fighter.”

I nodded and
took my cellphone from my pocket.  I’d changed the battery before I left home,
and there were like a billion messages from everyone who had been trying to
reach me.  I started deleting them one by one as I read through them.

“Code Team
One is needed in CT, stat.  Code Team One is needed in CT, stat.”

My head
popped up.  “Did they say CT?” I asked turning to see the stricken look of
horror on Justine’s face.

I jumped up
and ran to the door, shoving it open.  Nikki was on the table for the scan, and
the tech and CT person were performing CPR on her.

“What’s
going on?” I yelled, the room in front of me suddenly spinning dangerously out
of control.

“Sir, please
step outside,” someone said from behind me, grabbing my shoulders, pulling me
to the left.

A barrage of
people ran inside, pushing a large cart with paddles into the space.

“What’s
happening?” I asked again, shock settling over my system as I turned to the
security guard who held me.  “Please—someone—talk to me!”

“There’s
been a complication.  Let the team do their work.  It’s the best thing for
her.”

Justine
moved next to me, trembling, and I slipped my arm around her waist.  “This
can’t be happening,” she whispered, sliding her hands over her mouth.

The CPR
continued as another person ripped Nikki’s gown down from her chest.  Someone
else was placing a tube down her throat.  “I’m in,” he shouted, hooking a bag
to the end of the tube.

 A man
turned with the paddles.  “Charging, two hundred joules.  I’m clear, everyone
clear.”

The crew
stepped back, lifting their hands from Nikki.  The paddles were placed against
her chest and her body arced hard against the table as the power shot into her.

“Checking
for pulse,” a nurse said, putting her fingers against Nikki’s neck.  “No
pulse.  Resume CPR.”

The person
at her head started bagging air into her, while the tech continued chest
compressions.

“Charging
three hundred joules,” the man called out, once more.  “I’m clear, everyone
clear.”

The people
shifted away as Nikki was shocked again, her body arcing high again.

“Checking
for pulse.”  We all waited with baited breath.  “No pulse.  Resume CPR.”  The
crew went back to work again.

“Charging at
three sixty.  I’m clear, everyone clear.”

Another
shock.

“Still no
pulses.  Continue CPR.”

“Administering
a round of drugs,” the man at her head said, as everyone continued to work.

“Charging at
three sixty again.  Everyone clear.”

Shock.

“No pulse. 
Continue CPR.”

Justine was
sobbing on my shoulder now.  More people were running into the room to help.  I
could feel my whole body shaking, but I couldn’t stop it.

“Why don’t
you two come sit back down in these chairs over here,” the security guard
prodded.  “We don’t need either of you getting faint or sick right now.”

I realized I
must’ve been holding the door open with my foot because it closed when I
stepped away.

Anger
suddenly overtook me.

“What the
hell is happening?” I raged, my mind unwilling to accept what it was seeing. 
“She was fine just a minute ago.  What can happen in that amount time that she
ends up like this?”

“I don’t
know, sir.  But please try to remain calm.  They’re doing everything in their
power to help her.”

I laughed
harshly.  “Calm? You want me remain calm?” I strode down the hallway, suddenly
feeling dizzy.  I knelt down, planting my fist against the floor, staying that
way for what seemed like eons as the world dragged to a creeping pace around
me. 

“Chase,”
Justine’s voice called, and I turned to see her ashen expression, staring at
the doctor who was coming through the door.

“Are you the
Wagners?” he asked.

“Yes.” Her
voice shook.

I got up and
began walking toward them.

“I’m not
sure what happened in there just now, but I’m really sorry.  We did everything
we could, but she didn’t make it.”

“What?” I
shouted, my vision going red as the whole world tilted. “That’s not possible.
She’s seventeen years old.  She has her whole life ahead of her still!”

“I’m sorry,”
he said again.

I grabbed
the lapels of his jacket.  “Stop being sorry, and get in there and fix her! 
You hear me?  Fix her, and don’t come out until you’re done.”

“Security is
needed by CT,” a voice behind me said, and I felt strong arms wrap around me
like a vise grip.  “Let go of him, son.  You can’t attack the doctor.”

“I don’t
care,” I yelled, shaking him.  “He needs to do his job!”

The doctor
just stood there with an apologetic look, but he didn’t try to move away.

I saw two
other officers appear at the far end of the hallway.  They ran quickly,
grabbing me, pulling me away as I fought with them.

“Fix her!” I
shouted again.  “Fix her!”

They dragged
me into a vacant room.

“You’ve got
to calm down, sir!” They held me tight, twisting my arms behind me, pressing my
face hard into the wall.  “We don’t want to have to call the police.  Please
try to understand.”

I quit my
struggling and they released me.  I swung my fist back, punching clear through
the sheet rock.

“Not Nikki
too,” I cried as I sank to the floor.  “Please God.  Not her too.”

I covered my
face with my hands, and I sobbed uncontrollably, unable to stop the heart
wrenching pain that shot through me.

No one said
anything more, but I heard the door open, and a second later soft arms
enveloped  me.  I looked up long enough to see Justine there, tears streaming
down her face.  I buried my head into her shoulder, letting her cradle me as
the floodgates opened completely.

Chapter Twenty-Four

My life had
turned into a horror movie.  That must be it—I decided as I held Justine’s hand
and watched the casket which held the body of my girlfriend being lowered into
the ground. 

The sound of
sniffling and people shifting to wipe at their eyes filled the air around me in
the quiet cemetery.  I couldn’t cry anymore.  The tears were always right
there, but I forced them to leave, swallowing at the ever-present knot in my
throat—the one I could never seem to get to go away.

Everything
was moving in a fog for me, different people passing through at separate times
and spaces.  On occasion, I had been vaguely aware of my mom next to me,
holding my hand in one moment, and in the next, Timmy and Clara were sitting on
my lap, their arms clasped around my neck.  Justine was often present as well,
but I could barely stand to look at her because she reminded me of Nikki so
much. 

The only
constant presence I was truly aware of was Brett.  Every second he wasn’t
required to spend in his own life, he was with me.  He didn’t say much, he was
just there.

I didn’t go
to school, or practice the whole next week after Nikki died while we waited for
her funeral to take place.  I couldn’t stomach anything.  No one asked why or
when I intended to go back. No one said anything actually.  It was almost as if
they were afraid I was a time bomb just waiting to explode.

As for me I
could only think of seven words. 

Sudden death
caused by massive pulmonary embolism. 

They ran
over and over in my mind like a freight train ever since I heard the official
autopsy report.  A simple thing, like rolling Nikki from the bed to the CT
table had caused the blood clot to dislodge, and in a matter of a few seconds
she was dead—taken away from me forever.  Nothing could’ve been done to help
her.

Even now, as
her casket disappeared before my eyes, I couldn’t wrap my head around all of
it.

“I’m
sorry.   I can’t stay any longer,” I whispered to Justine.  I released her hand
and walked away, moving to where I’d left my truck.  I heard someone following
behind me, and I turned to see Brett.  I shook my head.  “I need some time to myself,
okay?”

He stopped,
and I could see the hurt on his face.

“I’ll meet
you at my house for the luncheon in a little while.  I appreciate you being
here for me.  I just really need a few minutes alone.”

He nodded,
standing still as he watched me get in my truck and drive away. 

I knew
exactly where I was going, and I drove the familiar route until I was parked in
front of the rest home.

I’d been to
this place several times, but always with Nikki.  Her grandma hadn’t been able
to attend today because of her disabilities, but suddenly she was exactly the
person I needed to see.  I knew she couldn’t talk to me, but I didn’t need
wisdom or words of advice.  I wanted someone I could just be me with.

I stopped by
the kitchen on my way and picked up a spoon and her favorite pudding from an
orderly there.

“We’re so
sorry to hear about Nikki,” he said, giving me the dish as he looked at the
suit I was wearing.  “Mrs. Wagner will be glad you’re here.  I know she
would’ve liked to go to the funeral.”

“Thanks,” I
mumbled, not knowing what else to say, so I left.

“Grandma?” I
called out as I entered the room, and she glanced up.  Tears filled her eyes as
she waved for me to join her.

I slid my
chair up beside the bed, taking her dysfunctional hand in mine, rubbing my
thumb over it.