02 Unforgivable - Untouchable (49 page)

There was no comprehension on his face, “I—I—never threaten to…” he choked up again. “I threatened to kill Ryan, but I would never—”

“
I still have the note and the iPod.” He looked so confused that I was beginning to wonder if he honestly didn’t know what I was talking about, “The one you sent me the day after the final show.”

I watched his face grow furiously dark, “I never sent you another iPod, but I did tell someone about sending you the first one. What was on it, Leese?”

“
Do you mean to tell me you didn’t send me the song ‘Breath,’ by Breaking Benjamin? You included a note.”

“
I never sent you anything. I was too ashamed to even approach you at the finale.”

All this time I thought he wanted me dead. All this time I had been afraid and hurt. I had a good suspicion I could name the person he told, “Who did you tell, Micah?”

“
It doesn’t matter. I’ll deal with him.”

“
D’Angelo?” I asked, realizing I was still pointing the gun at him. I lowered it as I watched the strange expression come over his face. “Micah, do you still put stock in your word? If I ask you to swear to God the most honest promise you’ve ever made, would you do it—and mean it.”

The tears were running harder down his face, “I will do
anything
you ask of me—anything other than to leave.”

“
I’m going to put this gun away, but I want you to swear to me that you won’t lay a hand on me. Promise me, Micah, for everything your worth, you
will not
touch me.”

“
I—I swear, unless you allow it, Leese.”

“
Sit in a rocker,” I told him. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

He took a rocker and moved it further away from the other and sat down.

I was shaking so bad. I had to go on absolute faith that he meant what he said. If he hurt me again, my life was over.

I put away the gun and grabbed a wine glass and filled it up and walked out cautiously onto the porch. I still couldn’t tell him the truth, but I was curious enough now that I did want to talk.

I sat down and took a deep breath, “What have you been doing since I left you? Besides running the country’s top new show.”

“
You’re drinking wine?” he asked, ignoring the question.

I could hear an edge to his voice; he didn’t approve. “No, it’s not wine. I don’t drink. This is grape juice. Stemware is the only thing I have in the cottage besides coffee cups.”

“
Not that I don’t believe you, but… I don’t believe you—may I?” he asked reaching for my glass.

I sighed and handed it to him. The touch of his hand as he took it was like electricity to my system. He inhaled deeply above the rim, swirled it and then took a tentative sip. His brows raised and he offered me back the glass.

“
I’m sorry I doubted you, but Ryan said you were drinking brandy when he took those pictures.”

“
I—I was in a lot of pain—internally,” I shot a look at Micah’s face and watched the sorrow hit him. “He told me it would ease it and had me sip down a glassful.”

“
Did it?”

“
Yeah, but I guess he wanted me out for a different reason.”

“
I’m glad he did it. I didn’t realize what I’d done to you.”

“
How could you not know what you’d done?” I asked incredulously. “I know you’d been drinking, but Micah, you weren’t drunk.”

“
I was—well, for lack of a better term—high.”

“
What?! Don’t tell me you’re into drugs?”

He gave an honest laugh, but I didn’t find the subject at all funny. “I was on a heavy dose of steroids and amphetamines, they made me—aggressive—I couldn’t control my emotions and actions like normal. I drank the alcohol to stop the shakes I had on the way to your place.”

“
You never told me you took steroids.” I was surprised, but, thinking about his muscle mass, the steroids made sense.

“
I’ve never taken them in my life—I don’t do drugs—but someone pulled a David on me.” He suddenly looked pained as he said it in a term he knew I would quickly understand. “Would you mind if I had a drink with you? I can get it if you—”

“
No,” I responded quickly. I didn’t want him inside the cottage. I didn’t trust him, yet. He put out his hand for my glass as I rose up. I handed it to him and went back inside. I glanced at the door several times to make sure he wasn’t going to try to follow me in, but he stayed on the porch. I brought out a fresh glass of juice and handed it to him, noticing he had set mine down on the table between us.

He took a sip and then continued, “I honestly didn’t know I’d been that rough with you, Leese. I didn’t remember much from that day until he showed me the pictures.”

“
I truly think you could have killed me, maybe not intentionally, but the outcome would have been the same if it had been accidental. But, God has a purpose for everything.”

He looked like I’d just hit him with a stun gun, “You—you can’t believe that anymore, not after everything that’s happened.”

“
Oh, trust me; I believe it more than ever before.”

“
Then let me in on the purpose,” he said sounding exasperated. “Or better yet just let me in on the reason and then I can figure out the purpose on my own.”

“
Oh, that,” I said, realizing he was talking about why I left him. “I haven’t got that one all figured out yet, but God had a purpose for bringing you to me the day you—you raped me.”

“
I can’t stand the sound of that word,” he confessed.

I took a long drink and studied the ocean in the distance. “Neither can I, because I wanted you to take me, I just never expected it to be like that.”

“
Will you tell me why this all happened?”

“
I can’t—I can’t ever tell you.” I was trying to force back the tears as I took another sip of my drink.

“
Then tell me one thing and, for the moment, I’ll be satisfied—is there any way you could still be in love with me?”

That hit me hard. I tried a smile, but the tears were washing it off my face. I couldn’t speak.

“
I know you’ll never forgive me, but I have to know if there is any love left.”

“
Micah, I’ve loved you with every single beat of my heart, and I forgave you the moment you were finished with me that day. You still don’t know what’s going on and I—I’m sure I’m just as responsible for all the rage and anger that day as a dose of drugs.”

“
Ah, baby, don’t say that,” he pleaded, but he surprised me as he literally slipped off the rocker and hit his knees in front of me. “I don’t deserve forgiveness and I certainly don’t deserve your love—I’m just selfish and I want it so bad.”

I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I couldn’t risk it. I swallowed at the annoying lump in my throat and took another long drink.

“
Stop it, Leese—put the glass down—don’t drink anymore. I can’t do what I came here to do, even if I don’t get the answers I need. I can’t hurt you, again.”

I looked at him for a long moment. His eyes kept going back to my glass. I felt a soft warmness creeping through me and I was instantly alarmed. “
Oh God, Micah, you didn’t
,” I stated as terror gripped me. I stood up clutching against my blouse. “Please, please tell me you didn’t.” I hadn’t eaten yet and I knew if I was feeling the effects now, it was in my blood stream. My stomach began to roll as the nausea from the knowledge hit me. I didn’t try to stop it as I went to the railing and began to heave.

“
I had to know,” he said sounding desperate. He got up from the floor and stood behind me, but he kept his word and didn’t touch me. “It’s the only way I can get you to tell me. I didn’t want to do it, but—”

“
Micah, you idiot,” I snapped, rubbing my temples and turning to face him, “I can’t take drugs now—I’m pregnant!”

His face turned the color of ash, “Leese, I had no idea. I’d never hurt a baby, not even Ryan’s.” Sincerity and regret filled his face. “God forgive me,” he said, reaching out to me, but then refraining.

I looked at him. He still didn’t understand, “Micah, I’ve never had sex with Ryan. The only thing I ever did was kiss him.”

“
But…” he looked more confused than ever.

“
This is the purpose God had—this is our baby. It’s all I had left of you.” I was still growing warmer and knew the drug was in my system. “Oh, God, please,” I prayed out loud, “Don’t let this hurt the baby.” I broke down sobbing and went into his arms. He didn’t expect me to do that, but it was too late and he was going to have to get me through this.

“
Do I take you to a hospital?” he wept out as he cradled me in his arms.

“
There’s nothing left inside me. Hold me, Micah, and if I tell you what this is all about you can’t change it. You can’t stay with me—you can’t leave the mob again.”

He tipped my face up and kissed me, “I won’t hurt you, Leese. I’m just going to take you inside and lay you down.”

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered as I grew warmer and weaker. He scooped me up in his arms and my mind started to drift.

I don’t remember much of the rest of the evening. I only remember being in his arms, his mouth on mine, and some of what I said. I remember saying D’Angelo’s name and Micah’s anger, rage, and bitterness, but he was gentle with me. I recalled asking him to take off my clothes and the feel of his mouth against my stomach as he kissed and stroked me tenderly. The only other thing I recall was the constant murmur as he told me how very sorry he was about what he’d done.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

When I woke the next morning, I was nauseous and weak, but the feeling of his arm around me was like finding a lost piece of heaven. I rolled onto my back, my blouse was gone, but my bra was still on me as was my underwear. Micah’s shirt was gone, but his jeans were still in place.

“
Are you okay?” I heard him whisper.

“
I’m still sick to my stomach, but not anything like I was when David did this to me.” I didn’t even want to discuss it, but I had to know, “How much did you put in my drink?”

“
Enough for two; David told me he gave you enough for a half dozen. Leese, I’m sorry I did this to you. I had no idea about the baby. All I knew was that Ryan said someone forced this on you and I had to know. You shouldn’t have left. You should have come to me and we would have gotten my family together and figured this out.”

“
What would you have done, Micah? You would have charged upstairs and someone would have cut you down. I couldn’t risk letting him destroy your family or you; my life didn’t matter at that point.”

I caught the first tear as it flowed down his cheek, “You mean everything to me. Don’t ever say your life doesn’t matter.”

I rose up on my elbow and kissed his lips. I knew we’d kissed last night, but I wanted him to know that, sober, I still loved him so much.

“
I don’t know how you can even stand to be near me after what happened between us, baby.”

“
What I couldn’t stand was being away from you. Aaah!” I gasped; my hand dropping to the mound where there once was only flat stomach.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Micah move so quickly from lying down to upright.

“
What’s wrong?
” came his panicked reply.

I grabbed his hand and placed it against my stomach and watched the splendid amazement hit him. “I—I can feel the baby moving,” he breathed. “Is it okay? I mean have you felt this before?”

“
I’ve felt the sensation, but not this strong. Yes, it’s okay—just getting comfortable I think, but help me up. I’m calling my doctor to see if he can get me in. I need to ask him about—Ecstasy.”

I called my doctor and told him I had, unintentionally, taken a little Ecstasy last night and I wanted to see him to make sure everything was okay. He paused for a long moment on the phone and I wasn’t sure if he was trying to figure out how I’d done it unintentionally or if he was concerned about the effects.

“
I’ll see you as soon as you get here.”

My heart beat grew faster as I thanked him and hung up.

“
Do I wait here or—”

“
This is your child and I want you with me.”

“
God, I don’t believe it, I—”

“
Micah you’re the
only
man I’ve ever slept with,” I emphasized, feeling a little hurt at his statement.

“
No, it’s not that—you know I believe you. It’s that, for once in my life, I’m scared to death. I’m shaking,” he said, holding out his trembling hands so that I could see.