04 - Shock and Awesome (24 page)

 
   
Really, it wasn't exactly an implausible answer, though I had to think about it for a few minutes. I couldn't think of many serial killers who ate their victims; but then, I didn't know many serial killers, period.

 
   
"Statistically, I think it's unlikely your neighbor is killing and eating people," I told them.

 
   
"Maybe he just kills them," suggested Mr. Schubert. "We watch a lot of
Criminal Minds
and we might have overactive imaginations."

 
   
"
Might
," agreed Mrs. Schubert.

 
   
"There's a small chance they're right," Lily whispered.

 
   
"You don't have to whisper, dear," Mrs. Schubert told her, before giving me a pointed look. I didn't know if she was hopeful that her neighbor was a monster, or just pleased that Lily thought cannibalism a possibility too.

 
   
"I'm sure there's an explanation," I decided; and before I could think why I said it, I blurted out, "Why don't I look into it?"

 
   
"
Lexi
is a private investigator for the Solomon Agency," Lily told them. "She can solve anything. Killers, thieves, saboteurs... and she always looks really good while she's doing it."

 
   
"
Aww
, thanks, Lily."

 
   
"No problem."

 
   
"Well, I don't know if we can afford to hire you," said Mrs. Schubert hesitantly. The worried looks were back again, but the noise abated, thankfully.

 
   
I waved my hands. I didn't want their money. "Don't worry about that. All I ask is, if I find out what's going on, and you still want to sell, you give me right of first refusal."

 
   
Mr. Schubert stuck out his hand and I placed mine in his. "Deal," he said. "But please don't put yourself in harm's way. We could never forgive ourselves if you got eaten."

 
   
"I won't," I promised, thinking about what Ruby said to me as she hopped out of the window. "But I will find out what's going on next door. Call it a random act of kindness."

 
   
"Me too," said Lily, "I'm going to help
Lexi
and I don't even want to buy your house. I just want to catch a serial killer. This is going to be so much fun!"

 
   
Privately, I disagreed. Loudly.

 
   
~

 
   
Lily and I staked out the street that evening. It worked well for me. First, it wasn't a date with a loser. Win! Second, I got to hang out with Lily. For the past few days, I had an uncomfortable and burgeoning feeling that with her new business shortly to open, along with her impending motherhood, she was leaving me behind. Third, Lily brought snacks and I was really hungry.

 
   
"You think if we ordered pizza, we could get one delivered to the car?" I asked as we waited for something, anything, to happen.

 
   
"Yep, but then the VW will smell of cheese."

 
   
"Hmm. Maybe not. What about Chinese?"

 
   
"Duh. Then it'll smell Chinese. Have a cookie?"

 
   
I chewed on the cookie while staring at the house next to the yellow bungalow. We parked a little further down the street, almost on the bend, under a large, old tree of some variety. I didn't know what kind. No one ever asked me to investigate a tree. However, in the hour that we sat here, nothing happened. No noise. No movement. Definitely no bodies.

 
   
"I wonder how he cooks them," Lily murmured, reaching into the back for a packet of chips from the grocery bag we stashed there. "Do you think he's all
Silence of the Lambs
?"

 
   
"Never seen it."

 
   
"We should watch it sometime."

 
   
"No thanks."

 
   
"Scaredy-cat."

 
   
"I won't confirm or deny it. Do you think it's a nice house?"

 
   
"I think the whole street is nice. I hope you can live here peacefully without waking up one day to find your neighbor gnawing on your leg."

 
   
"That would be a really bad wake-up call. Worse than my alarm clock."

 
   
"Bright side, you could compete in the Paralympics."

 
   
"I don't think I'll be any faster with one leg."

 
   
We fell into silence while we surveyed the house. It was nice, a little on the small side, but with two floors to the bungalow's one — if we ignored the mansard windows — and a
well kept
garden. From driving past, I knew there was a garage on the far side, concealed from us, and there was a neat, but plain, fenced-in yard to the rear, with a small patio adjoining the house. No noise came from the house, not even the sound of the dog barking, and it was at least fifteen minutes since another vehicle drove past.

 
   
"Maybe he's taking a nap. What's his name again?"

 
   
I picked up the paperwork I had the
Schuberts
fill in for me. It was on letterhead Solomon stationery, but I crossed that out. I toyed with writing The Graves Agency on the top, but decided not to, just in case someone found it and laughed. It seemed presumptive, plus, it was only one itty, bitty, pro-bono case. "Aidan Marsh. Thirty-two. Occupation, unknown. Family, unknown. Previous address, unknown. Dog name, unknown."

 
   
"We don't know a lot," Lily pointed out as she reached into her bra and gleefully retrieved a cookie crumb.

 
   
"Not yet."

 
   
I slid the paperwork into the side pocket of the door just as another car drew up behind us. That seemed suspicious in itself, and my heart did a little thump-thump as the driver got out, taking his time to stretch his arms over his head, while revealing a few inches of taut stomach. He strode over.

 
   
"Don't look now, but the cops are here," I murmured.

 
   
Lily shot a glance over her shoulder and turned back. "Cop. And he doesn't count."

 
   
"He still has a badge."

 
   
"Yep, and I know what he's done with you and his handcuffs, so I'm not scared. Perturbed, but not scared."

 
   
We waited for Maddox to crouch down next to the window. I turned on the engine and hit the button for the electric window to roll down. "Hello, Detective," I said, flashing him a cheery smile and trying to not look suspicious.

 
   
"
Lexi
." Maddox leaned over. "Lily." He nodded to Lily.

 
   
"Can we help you?" I asked.

 
   
Maddox took his time looking around. "What are you doing?" he asked at last.

 
   
"Sightseeing."

 
   
"No one sightsees in Montgomery."

 
   
"Taking a break." I faked a yawn and covered my mouth. "Must not drive tired." Lily yawned too. So hard, in fact, I thought she might dislocate her jaw.

 
   
"What are you really doing?"

 
   
"Hanging out with my
homegirl
? Taking the evening air? What's with the twenty questions?"

 
   
"We got a report from a homeowner that a suspicious looking vehicle was parked out here a while and inside, two women were making out." Maddox grinned. "Imagine my surprise when I heard it was your car. I thought, why waste a uniform when I could check it out on my way home?"

 
   
"We were not making out," Lily protested.

 
   
"Definitely not," I agreed. I turned to my best friend. "Although we did hug at one point."

 
   
"But there wasn't any groping," Lily pointed out. She leaned around me to look at Maddox. "Plus, I'm pregnant and it was definitely put there by a man. No turkey basters involved. I can draw you a diagram."

 
   
"Please don't."

 
   
"I just wanted to make the point that we couldn't be making out if I'm pregnant with a baby put there by a man. Though if I were going to make out with a woman, I'd totally make out with
Lexi
."

 
   
I high-fived her. "Thanks, sweetie."

 
   
"Anytime. Though, not, you know, anytime. Still straight and hot for your brother."

 
   
"Me too, to the first bit.
Vom
to the second."

 
   
"Glad we got all that cleared up," said Maddox. "Congratulations again on the natural pregnancy, Lily. I'll inform the homeowner you're having some car trouble and not casing the place. Just out of curiosity, which house are you casing?"

 
   
"The white one," said Lily.

 
   
"Lily!" I squeaked.

 
   
"Sorry, it's the pressure! I cracked."

 
   
"Why?" asked Maddox.

 
   
"You're a scary cop," replied Lily.

 
   
"No, Lily." Maddox sighed. "I meant why are you casing the white house? Not why did you crack. And why aren't you working on the other case? You know. The Big One," he emphasized. "Why am I bothering with the secrecy? You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Lily?"

 
   
Lily nodded. "Best. Job. Ever."

 
   
I wasn't sure I agreed, but it was more interesting than staking out what might be an empty house. I turned to Maddox, telling him, "I still am, but I had to take a night off from dating suspects. It's hard work, you know, being constantly hot and desirable. I'm doing a favor for someone. It's nothing illegal, I promise." I was fairly certain it was nothing illegal. That is, we'd only been here an hour, so it couldn't count as stalking yet, and we hadn't broken in, and no one had been hurt. I hoped my vague explanation would satisfy his curiosity.