“But she is right in front of you. I can see her plainly.”
Pearl blinked twice, as if trying to clear her eyes. “Mother, all I see is the sunlight on the rocks.”
Hester gave me an apologetic frown. “She is such a contrary child. I do believe she is being willful.”
But Pearl continued her line of thought. “Mother, the sunshine does not love you. It runs away and hides itself, because it is afraid of something on your bosom. See? There it is, playing, a good way off. Stand you here, and let me run and catch it. It will not flee from me, for I wear nothing on my bosom yet.”
“Nor ever will, my child, I hope,” said Hester. “Do you know, Pearl, what this letter means which your mother is doomed to wear?”
“Yes, Mother,” said the child. “It is the letter
A
.”
Hester looked into her little face and frowned. “But do you know, child, why your mother wears this letter?”
“I do,” Pearl said, looking into her mother’s face. “It is for the same reason that the minister keeps his hand over his heart.”
“And what reason is that?” asked Hester, turning pale as she realized how keen her child’s perception was. “What has the letter to do with any heart, save mine?”
But Pearl only gave her mother a knowing look far too wise for her age.
“Run away from here, child,” said Hester, “and catch the sunshine. It will soon be gone.”
So Pearl scampered away, taking the sunshine with her. Hester pressed her hand to the letter—her constant companion and reminder.
“You are far too bound to that letter,” I said. “Why not tear it off?”
Hester clutched her heart. “It is too deeply branded. I cannot take it off.”
“But it seems to cause you such pain,” I said.
“The letter is my penance and my salvation,” she said, “for it has endowed me with a new sense.”
“What do you mean?”
“It has given me a sympathetic knowledge of the hidden sin in other hearts.”
“A sympathetic knowledge?”
“The ability to see inside another’s soul,” she said. “To inhabit another person in order to understand her secret joys, fears, and sins.”
“Oh, I get it,” I said. “My stepmother always says, ‘
You’ll never understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes
.’ ”
Hester smiled in acknowledgment, and then her form grew hazy and ethereal, like she was being absorbed into the air. She took my hands into her own and leaned in as if to hug me, but when she touched me, my body went cold all over. I tried to push her off, but my hands met with no resistance. And then after another second, Hester was gone.
Spinning around in search of her, I saw thick skirts twirling around at my ankles. My eyes roved up from black pointy-toed shoes to a drab skirt cinched at the waist to a thick bodice, finally landing on the scarlet letter on my chest, which blazed up at me as if on fire.
I tried to scream, but no sound came out.
Was I in some sort of possession trance? Had Hester or some other spirit inhabited my body? And did I have any control over my own actions?
Terrified, I ran down to the stream to look for Pearl, but she was gone, too. And then two apparitions in black materialized before me, both faceless and terrifying.
One pointed at me and said, “Behold, there is the woman of the scarlet letter. Come, let us fling mud at her!”
They stooped down to gather the earth and began approaching me with closed fists. Instinctively, I ran, but the hillside was rocky and uneven, and I stumbled on my way down. Once on my feet again, I glanced behind at the two amorphous creatures chasing me, panicked that they were steadily closing the gap between us.
Fear and adrenaline surged through me as I ran through the forest, hearing their haunting voices behind me and feeling the pelts of mud at my back. I’d never felt more vulnerable, but I got the sense that someone wanted me to walk literally, or in this case, run, a mile in Hester’s shoes.
I scrambled through the underbrush, looking for a place to hide. But then I thought, maybe I shouldn’t stop. Maybe I should keep going.
A random memory surfaced. Dolphins never stopped swimming, even when they were sleeping. They had to keep moving to avoid predators.
That’s what I would do, too. Keep moving.
But I realized if I was truly asleep, then none of this was real. This was a dream. Somehow I had lost myself inside
The Scarlet Letter
again. But I didn’t have to stay here. Like Darlene had said, I could control it.
Just the awareness that this world was fictional dispelled the figures chasing me, and I suddenly found myself alone, running in silence. My body felt lighter, faster, like some weight had lifted, like Hester’s spirit had left me. Or that my revelation had forced her out.
When I got back to the bridge, I paused briefly to look at the rosebush. The enchantment had worn off it as well. It boasted no flowers now, only thorns.
As I walked across the bridge to the other side, I glanced down at my sweatshirt and leggings and sighed with relief. The nightmare was over. I was Emma once again.
Only I was becoming less and less certain who Emma really was.
C
HAPTER
14
I
t was dark when I got back to the dorm. I glanced at the clock and saw that I’d been gone for three hours this time. My excursions seemed to be getting longer, and I was beginning to worry about the toll they were taking on my health.
The next morning, I had to force myself to get up for class. In Bio, I sat next to Jess at our usual lab table, but every time I tried to talk to her, she shielded her head in her hands and pretended to be reading the textbook. When Elise strode in, I assumed things were going to get worse. But she came over to us, leaned her forearms on the table, and said, “What’s the big deal, Jess? You’re gay. So is, like, ten percent of the population.”
While this wasn’t exactly how I would have chosen to open up the conversation, I admired Elise for her directness. And this approach seemed to work with Jess. At least she looked up from her book and spoke. “Don’t start with me, Elise.”
“What, I’m not allowed to talk to you?” Elise said.
Jess scowled. “You just want a chance to say
I told you so
. You love that you turned out to be right.”
“That’s not true,” Elise said. “I’m not as evil as everybody thinks I am.”
Not as evil.
The same words Michelle had said about Elise. I was beginning to think maybe they might be true after all.
“Look,” Elise said, “even though you think we’re enemies, we’re not. I used to be your friend, and I still want to be. You look like you could use a friend right now.”
“Or two friends,” I said.
Jess softened a touch, but then Brewster was at the front of the classroom handing out quizzes on vertebrate evolution. Any reconciliations would have to wait.
Somehow I endured History and AP English and ate alone at the cafeteria since Jess never showed. But by French class, I’d had enough waiting. Jess had taken to sitting by herself in the back of the classroom where she could shield herself from the worst of the gossip. But I wasn’t going to stand back and let her turn me away anymore. I had to make the first move.
I recalled that day months ago when I’d broken down about my mom and Jess had offered me a green apple Jolly Rancher. It had been such a simple gesture, but it had opened the lines of communication. Determined to repay the favor, I rifled through my book bag, finding a tin of Altoids.
I sat down next to her, opened the tin, and said, “Curiously strong mint?” I hoped she would take the bait, but she didn’t. “So that’s how it’s going to be?”
“Look, Emma, I know you’re just trying to help, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d leave me alone.”
She was doing the whole push-everyone-away-and-be-self-reliant routine that I knew so well. No offense to dear old Ralph Waldo, but the thing about self-reliance is that sometimes, it’s entirely unnecessary. Not when you have friends who are willing to back you up.
“Actually, no. I’m not going to leave you alone,” I said.
She rolled her eyes, and I remembered the scowling Jess I’d first encountered at the beginning of the year. The one whose external appearance said
hands off,
but whose soul was desperately seeking a friend.
“While I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, I do know what it’s like to feel completely alone. And as much as I hate to admit it, Elise was right about one thing.” I paused for dramatic effect. “You do have friends. And you don’t have to do this alone.”
Jess didn’t say anything, but she did let me sit next to her as we read
Candide.
After class, I waited for her, but she seemed intent on sitting in the room until everyone else had cleared out. But she couldn’t hide in the classroom all day.
She chuckled a little when she found me in the hall waiting for her. I began walking with her to Phys. Ed.
“You still have those mints?” she said.
I stopped walking, found the tin in my bag, and handed them to her. “Thank God,” I said. “Your breath is rancid.”
I dared a smile and saw the hint of one in return. “Sorry,” she said. “I’ve been indulging in a little self-pity.”
“You’re entitled,” I said. “There are a lot of idiots at this school. But you can’t shut out the people who aren’t idiots, the ones who want to help you.”
“Yeah, I know,” she said. “I just wasn’t sure who they were yet.”
“Well, you know you’ve got me,” I said. I slung my arm around her shoulder.
“You sure you want to be seen with me?” she said. “You know I’m contagious.”
“Absolutely,” I said.
“But people will talk.”
I cracked a smile. “So let them talk.”
And talk they did.
Over the next few days, Amber and Chelsea continued with their homophobic mission to humiliate Jess. I knew I had to do something to get her away from their toxic abuse. The least I could do was get her out of Chelsea’s room.
After class on Tuesday, I went back to my room hoping to talk Michelle into letting Jess crash with us for a while. As usual, she was MIA. Seeing how much time she spent with Elise lately, I went to Elise’s room, praying that Amber wouldn’t be there. If she was, I might not have been responsible for my actions.
Fortunately, Elise was alone. And despite everything that had happened, she still scowled when she saw me.
“What do you want?” she said.
“Is Michelle here?”
“No.” Hostile stare.
I peeked over her shoulder to see if she was lying. “Do you know where she is?” She focused her steely gaze on me, skeptical. “Please, Elise. I really need to see her. It’s important.”
“She’s at the equestrian center.”
“The equestrian center?”
“Yeah,” she said with attitude. “That’s where she goes when she’s depressed. I thought you would know that already.” Then she closed the door in my face.
Last year, both Michelle and I went to the stables when we were depressed, but when the old barn burned down, I stopped going. Somehow I’d assumed Michelle had stopped going, too. But I’d never bothered to ask.
I ran down the hill toward the equestrian center and let myself in the main doors of the barn. The new facility had endless rows of clinical-looking enclosures, most of which were empty. A few horses stood looking bored, chomping hay from their feeders.
I turned the corner that led to the indoor riding ring and was surprised to see Michelle riding Odin. Odin was Elise’s horse, and he had a reputation for being cruel and unpredictable. I walked into the arena and rested my arms on the slats of the gate, waiting for Michelle to circle around and see me. I was half anticipating some crazed scene that involved my face meeting with bloody hooves. But when Michelle spotted me, she barely reacted. I was suddenly worried this had been a very bad idea.
Michelle brought Odin to a halt and dismounted, then grabbed his bridle and began walking him into the barn.
“How did you know where I was?” she said coolly.
“Elise told me.”
“Traitor,” she muttered. “What do you want?”
“I want to talk to you,” I said.
She raised an eyebrow as she put Odin back in his stall and locked the latch. “Why now?”
“I know we haven’t spoken in a while, and part of that is my fault. But I have something important to ask you.” She turned to face me, but her eyes looked right past me. “Chelsea asked Overbrook to find her a new roommate. And Overbrook wants to put Jess in a single room, but there isn’t one available. So I was thinking, maybe Jess could move in with—”
“No,” Michelle said abruptly.
Startled, I drew back. “Okay . . . why not?” I said. “Chelsea and Amber are torturing her.”
“I know, Emma, and I’m sorry, but Jess can’t move in with us.”
“I don’t understand,” I said. “It would only be temporary until Overbrook can figure out where to put her.”
“Emma, no.” She turned around and began heading toward the double doors.
“Michelle, wait. Are you doing this to spite me? Because if you are, think about it from Jess’s point of view. This isn’t about you and me.”
“I know,” Michelle said.
“So why are you so opposed to the idea? Are you buying into all this crap Amber and Chelsea are saying?”
She turned and gave me a look that chilled me. “Emma, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Then fill me in. How am I supposed to know what you’re thinking when you won’t talk to me? When you shut me out of your life? Why are you so intent on scaring me away?”
But her defenses had kicked in, and she was moving again, attempting to leave. “Oh, that’s right,” I shouted at her back. “Go ahead, walk away. Look, I know I screwed up this year, and I’m sorry for everything that’s happened. I’m sorry for kissing Owen. I’m sorry for not being a good friend when you needed one. And I’m sorry I didn’t try harder. But are you going to punish me forever?”
She shook her head and turned to go. This was the moment I was sorely tempted to give up, to let her walk away again. But Elise’s words haunted me. I had to fight.