15 Targeted (54 page)

“No!” She strode forward and stood in front of him, her hands planted on her full hips defiantly. “No, I won’t allow that! I won’t let you just…just
kill
yourself because that damn insect says so.”

“Emily…” He reached for her but she backed up, shying away from his hand.

“Don’t touch me!”

“You don’t understand,” he growled, frustrated at her ignorance. “If I do not kill myself another assassin will be dispatched to kill
you.”

“Well who’s to say that they won’t send another guy out as soon as you’re dead?” she demanded. “That whoever put out the first contract won’t just put out a second? Did you think of that?”

“As a matter of fact, I did,” Tragar said. “Once the contract has been fulfilled, another cannot be issued. Not with the
Verrak,
anyway.”

“What about with a different organization?” Emily countered. “You guys can’t be the only gun-for-hire game in town! What if he sends somebody else or just comes to kill me himself?”

“You’ll be safe in the Holy Mountains.” Tragar spoke softly, trying to allay her fear. “No creature in the universe is so well cared for and guarded as a
Khalla
in the Holy Mountains of Rageron. You’ll have an entire retinue of guards and maidens to honor and protect you. And of course you’ll have…” He nearly choked on the words but he forced them out anyway. “You’ll have your chosen mate. He will guard you with his life.”

“I don’t want any chosen mate!” Emily exclaimed. “I don’t want some other guy that a bunch of Council members who don’t even know me choose for me. Tragar…” She stepped towards him at last. Putting her hands on his shoulders, she looked up into his eyes. “I only want
you.”

Tragar took a step back. “You can’t have me. The Council will never allow it—I am not worthy to be bonded to a
Khalla.”

Emily lifted her chin, her eyes blazing.

“You know, when you were spouting all that before I thought it was because you didn’t want to be with me and you were trying not to hurt my feelings. But just now I heard you tell the insect guy that you
loved
me—so much that you’re willing to
die
for me. So I’m beginning to think you actually
mean
it.”

“Of
course
I mean it!” Tragar growled. “You don’t know the life I have led, the things I have done…the people I have failed…”

“No, and I don’t care, either,” Emily declared. “I only know that I want you. If I have to go through this crazy, scary thing…if I have to turn into someone else entirely when the
other
takes over, I want you to be with me, by my side, the whole time.”

Tragar closed his eyes for a moment.
By my side…by my side…
The words seemed to echo in his brain, drawing out memories he had long tried to suppress. Images best left forgotten.
I should have been by her side…but I was not. I failed her…failed them both. Oh, Landra…

“I…cannot be by your side. I will fail you,” he said in a low, choked voice.

“You will not! What makes you say that? Why do you keep talking about failing?” Emily was clearly frustrated.

He shook his head. “I cannot say. It is too painful. Can you not just believe me and accept what I say is true—that I am unworthy of a
Khalla’s
love and fit only to act as a sacrifice to save your life?”

“No…no, I do
not
accept that.” Emily stamped her bare foot on the hard metal floor in frustration. “You said you
loved
me, Tragar!”

“And so I do.” He cupped her flushed cheek and stroked her soft skin, allowing himself the pleasure of touching her once more. “I do not know how but somehow you got past all my defenses.”

“You…you got past mine too,” Emily whispered. “Don’t you think that means
something?”

“It means I love you,” Tragar told her, his voice hoarse with emotion. “Enough to die for you.”

“But not enough to live with me.” Emily’s eyes were suddenly bright with tears and she stepped away from his touch. “Not enough for that.”

He shrugged helplessly. “Forgive me—I am giving you the only gift I can. The only gift I have that is worthy of you, my
Khalla.
My death for your life.”

“I don’t want your gift,” she whispered. “I just want
you.”

Then, tears pouring down her cheeks, she turned and ran from the control room.

* * * * *

Emily buried her face in the pillows and sobbed miserably. Earlier when she’d cried in Tragar’s arms it had been a release…a relief. An easing of the awful tension that had been building up in her so long. She had felt safe and protected, nestled close to his broad chest. She had felt cherished and loved and for the first time, she’d felt
right.

It was as though she’d been searching for something all her life without even knowing it and when the big Kindred came into her world, she had found it—found
him.
Everything finally made sense—even the idea of the
other
taking over her body wasn’t as scary when she’d believed that he would be by her side to help her through it.

Now she knew that wasn’t going to happen. Tragar would be leaving her—leaving in the most final way possible. She wondered dully how he planned to do it. Would he hang himself from the nearest convenient tree? Or maybe just shoot himself with his blaster?

Ugh!
She shivered and tried to push away the morbid thoughts but they wouldn’t go. All she could see was Tragar, dead by his own hand. All she could think about was never having his arms around her again, never getting the chance to explore this new emotion that was blossoming between them…

Fresh sobs shook her and she pulled the pillow over her head, trying to muffle the sounds of her misery.

Suddenly a warm hand came to rest between her shoulder blades and the pillow that was covering her face was pulled away. Emily grabbed it, trying to hang on. She didn’t want the big Kindred to see her like this, didn’t want to display her ugly emotions so openly. But Tragar was relentless, he pulled the pillow gently but firmly away from her face, exposing her tears.

“Go away.” Emily buried her head in her arms. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

“But I
need
to talk to you,” he growled softly. “I need to explain.”

“Explain what? That you love me so much you’re going to kill yourself and leave me alone? I heard that already, I don’t want to hear it again.” Emily still refused to look at him.

“No, I need to explain to you why I am not worthy of being your chosen mate. Why I deserve death.”

“You know, I thought
I
deserved death. At least, I
wanted
to die.” Emily finally looked up at him. “After what Grayson did to me. After he raped me. I felt so ugly, so
dirty—
like I’d never be clean again. I thought about killing myself but I didn’t.” She sat up and glared at the big Kindred. “Because if I did that, he would have won. And I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. My only other option was to kill
him
, but I couldn’t do that either. So I learned to live with it.”

“I sympathize with your wish to kill that bastard. I killed the ones who hurt me.” Tragar’s deep voice was distant…remote. “But it did not ease my pain.”

“What? Who were they and what did they do? What happened?” Emily had a sudden flash of insight. “Does this have to do with your wife and son?”

“Landra and Jalex, yes.” He sighed and squeezed the bridge of his nose briefly, as though trying to drive back a headache.

“Did you get a divorce? Did she leave you and take him and you haven’t seen them since?” Emily asked, trying to read his face. But it was like trying to read a statue’s face—his expression was stoic and calm, as though he was a million miles away.

“They were killed,” he said in a low voice.

“Oh, Tragar!” Emily put a hand to her mouth. “I’m sorry—I didn’t know.”

“How could you? I never spoke much of them to you—I try never to even think of them. It is…too painful.” He looked at her, as though seeing her at last. “But now I feel I must speak of them. I must show you what happened and how I failed them. Then you’ll see why I do not deserve the love of a
Khalla.”

“What do you mean ‘show’ me? Do you have a picture of them?”

“I do.” He pulled something out of his vest pocket—a small, flat disk a little bigger than a quarter—and thumbed it on. Immediately the disk began to emit a low humming noise and a 3-D image of a young woman and a boy who looked to be about five or six appeared. Both of them had black hair like Tragar’s and the boy had his golden eyes as well. But the woman had deep indigo eyes thickly fringed with black lashes.

“Oh,” Emily breathed. “She’s beautiful. Those
eyes…”

“Landra was one of the Ancient Ones who live in the Deep Blue on Rageron,” Tragar said. “But the grandfather tree her people lived in wasn’t far from my village. Our minds aligned when we were still children—it’s unusual but it
does
happen so sometimes.”

“So you were childhood sweethearts?” Emily looked at the woman’s vivid blue eyes and laughing mouth. She looked like a happy person and the little boy who was leaning against her hip was looking up at her adoringly. Clearly she was a good mom.

“I suppose you could say that,” Tragar murmured. “We mated very young—as early as our parents would allow it. Very soon after that, Jalex came along.” He motioned to the faintly glowing image of the little boy. “He was the light of our lives—so brave and smart for his age! He—” His voice faltered and for a moment, Emily thought he wouldn’t be able to go on.

“Tragar,” she said softly. “You don’t have to do this. If it’s too painful—”

“It is necessary,” he interrupted. “So that you can understand.”

“All right,” Emily said in a low voice. She sat up straighter and Tragar settled beside her on the bed, still carefully holding the 3-D hologram of his wife and son. The fire bubbles in the fireplace had turned from blue to gold and the shifting flames alternately cast his strong features into light and shadow.

His face never changed but his voice was different now, deeper and hoarse as though he could barely get the words out.

“We were at war with the Scourge when it happened. Now they have almost all been wiped out but ten cycles ago the threat was very real. They were attacking the capital city about a hundred clicks from where we lived, Landra and Jalex and I. I was in command of a squadron of pilots—it was my duty to go and defend our planet from the vat-grown bastards.”

“So you did what you had to do,” Emily said softly.

He nodded. “I did what I thought was right at the time. Landra didn’t want me to go.” He closed his eyes tightly for a moment but kept talking. “You can’t tell it in this image but we had recently learned she was pregnant with our second child—a girl this time. She would have been a
Khalla.”

Emily bit her lip, wanting to say something but not sure what. After a moment, Tragar went on.

“Landra had a bad dream—a warning. She was afraid that I wouldn’t come back to her and our children. That I would be killed in battle.” He gave a hoarse, bitter laugh. “Little did we know that the attack on the capital was nothing but a ruse—a ploy to draw our troops away from the area the Scourge really wanted to plunder—the Deep Blue.”