18 Things (34 page)

We all sat in silence while Dr. Judy let us digest her info dump. I clock-watched for the next five minutes, then become restless and tapped my fingers on the arm of my chair.

“I have another question,” I told her. “When I first met Nate in the waiting room, my attraction to him was so strong, physically and emotionally. I’d been in a fog for months, which was my new normal after Conner died. I was stricken by guilt and grief, and then Nate made me wake up, so to speak. Were those really my feelings, or were you able to manipulate those feelings?”

Rising from her chair, she almost floated to her door. “Those feelings were your own. The reason you felt them so strongly, though, is because of the realm you’re in. Now, a part of your soul is attached to his and vice versa. If one would’ve failed to accomplish their mission of love and healing during the completion of the life list, then the other would’ve failed by default. I didn’t plan it that way, but you unknowingly took that sacrifice upon yourselves when you fell in love. In my experience of being a guiding spirit, I’ve never once had this happen between two of my subjects, but my boss, who happens to be a certified angel, informed me of this. He said your two-fold connection wrapped your destinies together, like a real cosmic Romeo and Juliet love story.”

She smiled kindly and opened the door. There was no waiting room, only a bright light.

“Is Conner in there?” I asked, looking toward Nate, giving him an ‘I need to know’ type look—I wasn’t sure if he was the jealous type.

Dr. Judy gave a small, pleased smile. “I knew you’d ask me that, but I’m afraid I cannot answer your question, my dear child. Conner was not my mission.”

Nate and I sat in silence for a long time again. Well, who knows how long or short. It got very hard for me to be sure of time here, or anything else for that matter. I studied Nate in his khaki shorts and navy blue T-shirt with the picture of the cantankerous monkey I made for the band last summer. Taking hold of his hand, I marveled at how it was clean and unscarred like the rest of his body, even after flying through the windshield of his car.

Standing, I moved blindly, without thinking, toward the light, pulling him with me. The warmth radiating from the light was so inviting.

“Hold on. Wait a second.” Nate tugged my hand and looked at Dr. Judy. “You say we’re ready to move on, but what if I don’t feel ready?”

Dr. Judy closed the door and then opened it again, everything happening in slow motion. The waiting room was back. “Your time in the in-between is done. Well, unless you want to become spiritual guides yourselves. Although we’ve never hired teens since they aren’t usually mature enough for what the job requires, so I’d probably have to take you in as interns or something.” She gave a light chuckle. “Anyway, I wouldn’t bother with that route. But you are free to roam the Earth until midnight, saying your final goodbyes. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

“Where should I go first?” I asked in a rush. “I mean, how do I even say goodbye to everyone I ever cared about?”

Dr. Judy shrugged. “I have no idea. This is your process, not mine.”

I glared at her. For someone who was supposed to be in charge of this whole after-death purification process, she was infuriatingly vague.

Nate advanced toward the door, took my hand, then we shuffled past another patient in the room. She didn’t seem to notice us. Once we were outside, I couldn’t find our reflections in the store windows.

My tears were real though, and I wiped them from my face before speaking. “You know what? There were clues.”

Nate rolled his eyes at me, a first for him. “Clues for what? That we’re really dead? You can’t be serious.”

I closed my eyes and nodded. “No, listen. My asthma is gone, I don’t need glasses to see well, and I didn’t feel any pain when I got cut by that knife in your kitchen or when I ran into the slider at Kyle’s house. Even though we weren’t in Heaven, things must operate differently in the spiritual realm. Makes sense since our bodies aren’t real. You mentioned not having IBS anymore, remember?”

My tone was bitter, but I couldn’t help my annoyance at the whole situation. I waited a few minutes for him to answer, and when he didn’t, I prompted him. “Remember?”

He nodded. His eyes focused on the pavement as if he couldn’t meet mine, or didn’t want to.

“Yeah, things are starting to make sense now.” His voice was faint, the usual confidence gone. “I mean, it was kinda too convenient how I showed up just when the Cantankerous Monkey Squad needed a singer. I was an exact fit. And how my parents just forked over five hundred dollars for your birthday necklace when I only asked as a joke. I never had any scratches after my accident, and when I floated above my body, I must’ve already been dead.”

I paused near the discount cart outside The Bookman and spotted Nic through the window, leaning over the counter and smiling at Sean on the other side. “Yeah, I had a floating experience after I swallowed those twenty pills. I chalked it up to being high when I thought about it afterwards.”

Still gazing into the bookstore, I watched Tammy walk toward Nic and Sean, sucking a frozen coffee drink through a straw and holding Kyle’s hand. I drew a deep breath. Tammy and I never becoming good friends was one of the hardest truths about this whole mess. It all seemed so real to me. I wondered if she and Nic became friends because of what Nate and I did in the spiritual realm or if they would’ve become close on their own.

“You know what? I didn’t need coffee any more to stay awake this past year. I mean I still drank it because I liked it, but I didn’t rely on it like I used to. Heck, I don’t think we even need to sleep! That’s why we were such insomniacs and had all those weird dreams.
And
,” I added, drawing out the word and plopping down on the sidewalk curb. “Cheerleading and all those gymnastic tricks came way too easily for me. Yep, we’re definitely dead.”

I stated the truth boldly, coldly. My voice came out bare, nothing to hide anymore.

Nate fell down next to me then pulled me toward him, kissing my lips.

I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent.

After a few minutes, he stopped and gazed into my eyes. “But this, me and you, are real.”

“Totally.” I gazed over his shoulder, into the distance, for a long time. “What do you think Dr. Judy meant about becoming spirit guides?”

A heaviness rested in his limbs, making him look older. “I’m not sure. You don’t want to move on?”

I paused, leaning back against the discount cart. It was on wheels, so my weight should’ve moved it, but it didn’t budge an inch.

Interesting.
“Um, I just…”
Am worried about Conner
, but I couldn’t tell Nate that. Not now.

He sighed before looking me directly in the eyes. “I don’t know either. I feel like the white rabbit just ran by, I chased him, fell down a hole, and ended up some place where nothing makes sense.”

After giving a little gasp, he started to cry. I hugged him tightly and cried more earnestly than I ever had before, even more so than when Conner died.

Nate regained his composure. “I need to go back to my hometown, see my grave. Does that sound narcissistic?”

I shook my head.

“Plus, this whole time I thought the other kid from the accident was okay. Now, I think he’s probably dead. It’s probably part of the reason for why I needed to go through the after-death purification process, right?”

His eyes were blank, devoid of all hope, and I felt his heaviness on my shoulders.

“Why didn’t you ask Dr. Judy?”

“I was scared.” He took a deep breath, then dug into the skin around his thumbnail. “And I just need to go see for myself.”

“I’ll come with you.”

Nate smiled. “I knew you would, but I think it’s something I need to do myself this time. Do you understand that?”

My mind wandered to the image of my parents walking out of Dr. Judy’s office. I nodded, looking down at my lap where our hands intertwined. Tears lingered on my nose and dripped onto my finger. After another moment of silence, I asked, “When do you want to meet back up?”

Nate wiped the tears from around my eyes. The breeze swirled around us, bringing the fresh scent of bread from Camburn’s Bakery, and I wondered briefly what Heaven smelled like.

“I’m not sure,” he said, pausing briefly. “My old town is three hours away. I mean, what happens if I don’t make it back in time?”

I shrugged. “Maybe you just get caught up in a whirlwind to Heaven? I remember reading about Elijah going that way in the Bible.”

“I wonder if…” He closed his eyes, hands clasped in prayer. “I wish to go home.”

He disappeared.

“That’s
very
cool, God,” I said, looking up at the sky. The purity of blue and warm sunlight made me forget my worries, if only for a moment.

I stood and peered into The Bookman a while longer, studying my friends. Deciding this wasn’t a great way to say goodbye, I decided to muster some courage and attempt to walk through the solid surface. Aside from a case of vertigo akin to a long elevator ride, there was nothing to it.

Tammy and Nic fanned through the pages of a magazine together while Kyle and Sean talked animatedly.

“Sometimes I feel like a geek for all the Star Wars stuff Conner brainwashed us with through the years,” Kyle said. “But then the universe drops this dude on the trolley today, going on and on about Dungeons and Dragons spells, like resurrection and mind control. And about sacrificing their mind controlled subjects for greater power. I felt like one of the cool kids.”

“You mean you felt like me,” Tammy said, a wide, face-splitting smile on her face.

“Ha ha ha,” Kyle faux-laughed, grabbing her frozen coffee off the counter and sucking down a huge gulp.

“Oh my gosh! You know I hate it when people steal my caffeine.”

Kyle held his head in his hands. “Ah, brain freeze!”

“Serves you right,” Nic mumbled, stashing the magazine under the counter as a customer walked in.

The group dispersed throughout the store so Nic could help the tourist locate a book. Well, I wasn’t positive the man was a tourist, but with his Grand Haven baseball cap, camera strapped around his neck, and fanny pack secure on his waist, I’d bet my life if I still had one. Anyway, I took his appearance as an opportunity to peruse The Bookman one last time, a staple of my childhood.

Surprisingly, I discovered a mini-section on bucket list type books that I’d never seen here before. When Dr. Judy first informed me I was a dead girl, I was upset the eighteen things didn’t really happen. Like I was caught in one of the many books I’d read while working here with a really bad ending. The ones I read and thought,
really? That’s how it ends? Because honestly, a fourth grader could’ve written a better conclusion than that!
But when I thought about each item on the list now, I realized they really were about me and nobody else. And like Judy said, they were real to Nate and me, so I guess that was purpose enough.

Still, I wondered about the Cantankerous Monkey Squad. Did they ever find Conner’s replacement? I wished I could use some Jedi mind trick on Sean and Kyle to find out. I sighed, deciding these questions and answers didn’t really matter. Whatever happened was meant to be and all that. Maybe they’re supposed to go to college instead of touring the country playing music. Then I thought about college and the scholarships.

Tears filled my eyes again. I really wanted that part to be true. As I reached into my purse for a Kleenex, the bookstore’s newspaper rack caught my eye. The Grand Haven Tribune’s front page featured a story about last night’s graduation ceremony and the five recipients of the Journey Scholarship, sponsored by Mr. and Mrs. Anderson.

I breathed in a sigh of relief and wondered if Dr. Judy had anything to do with suggesting the idea to them. The only thing left to do now was visit my parents. I took one last look at my friends, blinking my watery eyes until my vision cleared. The Jedi Order looked more beautiful and somehow more real than ever. I knew they had a bright future ahead of them.

On my walk home, I took in every sight, every smell, and every sound… the sailboats in the water, the trees swaying in the wind, fresh mowed lawns and hot dogs on the grill, birds chirping and babies laughing, wondering if I’d miss it once I got to Heaven. Maybe Heaven had all those things, too.

When I passed my church, I decided to stop at the cemetery behind it. Trying not to shake, I wondered if I really wanted to see my grave. About halfway across the cemetery, my knees locked and I dropped to the ground, wishing I had a friend here to hold my hand. But I knew I didn’t deserve that since I took myself from them.

Forcing myself to get back up, my legs tightened as I practically ran to the edge of the cemetery. Beneath the shadow of trees where birds sang, I found it. I stooped to study the spotless gray granite, and my heart nearly exploded. Words were etched on its surface: Our Precious Angel. Then a short way below was my name, Olga Gay Worontzoff, and below that the dates of birth and death, October 31, 1994-April 9, 2012. Sunlight highlighted a picture of an angel with wings and a halo sleeping on a fluffy cloud underneath the date.

If they only knew
.

The quote below the image read: “You saw how the Lord your God carried you, just as one carries a child, all the way that you traveled until you reached this place.”—Deuteronomy 1:31.

I read the words slowly, wondering how my parents picked out this particular Bible verse to rest here for all eternity. Pressing my arms hard against my chest, I thought of the
Footprints in the Sand
poem hanging on the wall in my room. I should’ve let the Lord carry me through my suffering, but I didn’t. And now look where it got me, a skeleton lying in a coffin six feet under, all the people I cared about oblivious to the fact of where I actually was.

Nothing could’ve prepared me for the awfulness of seeing my own grave. I took in deep, sharp gulps of fresh air, trying to steady myself, gripping the grass so hard my knuckles turned white. Or maybe they were white because I was a ghost.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that Dr. Judy should’ve told Nate and me about already being dead as we completed the list, so this wouldn’t have been such a complete shock, no matter how many ‘clues’ popped up along the way. I lingered on the grass and imagined my parents and friends coming here to visit me. All the wreaths of flowers made me want to puke. I stood, frowning and trying not to cry again, wishing I never came to the cemetery.