1Q84 (123 page)

For the time being I’ll keep watch over Tengo Kawana. I’m sure he’ll lead me
somewhere—
if I get lucky, right to Aomame’s hideout
. Ushikawa was a master at sticking to somebody, like a remora to a shark. Once he made up his mind to latch onto someone, there was no way they could shake free of him.

Once he had decided, Ushikawa closed his eyes and switched off his thinking process.
Time to get a little shut-eye
, he thought. It had been a rough day, given that he had had to visit two elementary schools out in crummy old Chiba Prefecture and listen to two female schoolteachers, a beautiful vice principal and a teacher who walked like a crab. After that you need to relax. Soon his huge misshapen head began to bob up and down in time to the movement of the train, like a life-sized sideshow doll that spat out unlucky fortunes.

The train was crowded, but no one dared sit down beside him.

On Tuesday morning Aomame wrote a memo to Tamaru explaining how the man calling himself an
NHK
fee collector had come again—how he had banged on the door and yelled, insulting Aomame (or a person named Takai who lived there), berating her. The whole thing was too much, too bizarre. She needed to remain vigilant.

Aomame placed the memo in an envelope, sealed it, and put it on the kitchen table. She wrote the initial
T
on the envelope. The men who delivered supplies would make sure it got to Tamaru.

Just before one p.m. she went into her bedroom, locked the door, lay down in bed, and continued where she had left off with Proust. At one o’clock on the dot the doorbell rang once. After a pause the door was unlocked and the supply team came inside. As always, they briskly resupplied the fridge, got the garbage together, and checked the supplies on the shelves. In fifteen minutes they had finished their appointed tasks, left the apartment, shut the door, and locked it from the outside. Then the doorbell rang once again as a signal—the same procedure as usual.

Just to be on the safe side, Aomame waited until the clock showed 1:30 before she came out of her bedroom and went to the kitchen. The memo to Tamaru was gone, replaced by a paper bag on the table with the name of a pharmacy printed on it. There was also a thick book Tamaru had gotten for her,
The Women’s Anatomical Encyclopedia
. Inside the paper bag there were three different home pregnancy tests. She opened the boxes one by one and read over the instructions, comparing them. They were all the same. You could use the tests if your period was a week or more late. The tests were 95 percent accurate, but if they were positive, the instructions said—in other words, if they did show you were pregnant—then you should be examined by a medical specialist as soon as possible. You should not jump to conclusions. The tests indicated merely the
possibility
that one was pregnant.

The test itself was simple. Just urinate into a clean container and then dip the indicator stick into it. Or, alternately, urinate directly onto the stick. Then wait a few minutes. If the color changes to blue you’re pregnant, if it doesn’t change color, you’re not. In one version, if two vertical lines appear in the little window, you’re pregnant. One line, and you’re not. The details might vary but the principle was the same. The presence or absence of human chorionic gonadotropin in urine indicated whether or not you were pregnant.

Human chorionic gonadotropin?
Aomame frowned. She had been a female for thirty years and had never once heard that term.
All this time, some crazy substance was stimulating her sex glands?

Aomame opened up
The Women’s Anatomical Encyclopedia
.

Human chorionic gonadotropin is secreted during the early stages of pregnancy
, the book said,
and helps maintain the corpus luteum. The corpus luteum secretes progestogens and estrogen to preserve the inner lining of the womb and prevent menstruation. In this way the placenta gradually takes form. In seven to nine weeks, once the placenta is complete, there is no more need for the corpus luteum and the role of the human chorionic gonadotropin is over
.

In other words, this hormone was secreted from the time of implantation for seven to nine weeks. The timing was a little tricky in her case. One thing she could say was that if the test came back positive, she was without a doubt pregnant. If it was negative, then the conclusion wouldn’t be so clear-cut. It was possible that she had passed the time when she was secreting the hormone.

She didn’t feel the need to urinate. She went to the fridge, took out a bottle of mineral water, and had two glasses. But she still didn’t feel the need to go.
Well, no need to rush it
, she thought. She forgot about the pregnancy kits for a while and sat down on the sofa and concentrated on Proust.

It was after three when she felt the need to urinate. She peed into a container she found and stuck the test strip in it. As she watched, the strip changed color, until it was a vivid blue. A lovely shade of blue that would work well as the color of a car. A small blue convertible with a tan top. How great it would feel to drive along the coast in a car like that, racing through the summer breeze. But in the bathroom of an apartment in the middle of the city, in the deepening autumn, what this blue told her was the fact that she was pregnant—or, at least, that there was a 95 percent chance of it. Aomame stood in front of the mirror and gazed at the thin strip of paper, now blue. No matter how long she stared, the color wasn’t about to change.

Just to be sure, she tried another test. This one instructed you to “urinate directly onto the tip of the stick.” But since she wouldn’t feel the need to pee for a while she dipped the stick into the container of urine. Freshly collected urine. Pee directly on it or dip it in pee—what is the difference? You would get the same result. Two vertical lines clearly appeared in the little plastic window. This, too, told Aomame she
might be pregnant
.

Aomame poured the urine into the toilet and flushed it down. She wrapped the test strip in a wad of tissue and threw it in the trash, and rinsed the container in the bath. She went to the kitchen and drank two more glasses of water.
Tomorrow I will try again and do the third test
, she thought.
Three is a good number to stop at. Strike one, strike two
. Waiting, with bated breath, for the final pitch.

Aomame boiled some water and made hot tea, sat down on the sofa, and continued reading Proust. She laid out some cheese biscuits on one of a set of matching plates and munched on them as she sipped her tea. A quiet afternoon, perfect for reading. Her eyes followed the printed words, but nothing stayed with her. She had to reread the same spot several times. She gave up, shut her eyes, and she was driving a blue convertible, the top down, speeding along the shore. The light breeze, fragrant with the smell of the sea, rustled her hair. A sign along the road had two vertical lines. These meant
Warning: You May Be Pregnant
.

Aomame sighed and tossed her book aside.

She knew very well there was no need to try the third test. She could do it a hundred times and the result would be the same. It would be a waste of time.
My human chorionic gonadotropin would still maintain the same attitude toward my womb—keeping the corpus luteum intact, obstructing my period from coming, helping form the placenta. Face it: I’m pregnant. The human chorionic gonadotropin knows that. And so do I. I can feel it as a pinpoint in my lower abdomen. It’s still tiny—nothing more than
a hint of something.
But eventually it will have a placenta, and grow bigger. It will take nutrition from me and, in the dark, heavy liquid, grow—steadily, unceasingly
.

This was the first time she had been pregnant. She was always a very careful person, and only trusted what she could see with her own eyes. When she had sex she made absolutely sure her partner used a condom. Even when she was drunk, she never failed to check. As she had told the dowager, ever since her first menstruation at age ten, she had never missed a period. Her periods were regular, never more than a day late. Her cramps were light. She merely bled for a few days, that was all. It never got in the way of her exercising or playing sports.

She got her first period a few months after holding Tengo’s hand in the elementary school classroom. Somehow, she felt that the two events were connected. The feel of Tengo’s hand may have stirred something inside her. When she told her mother she got her period, her mother made a face, like it was one more burden to add to all the others she carried. It’s a little early, her mother commented. But that didn’t bother Aomame. It was her problem, not her mother’s or anybody else’s. She had stepped into a brand-new world.

And now she was pregnant.

She thought about her eggs.
Of my allotted four hundred or so, one of them (near the middle of the bunch, she imagined) went and got herself fertilized. Most likely on that September night, during the terrible storm. In a dark room when I murdered a man. When I stuck a sharp needle from the base of his neck into the lower part of his brain. But that man was completely different from the men I had killed before. He knew he was about to be murdered, and he wanted it to happen. I actually gave him what he
wanted.
Not as punishment, but more as an act of mercy. In exchange for which, he gave me what I was seeking. An act of negotiation carried out in a deep, dark place. Very quietly, fertilization took place that night. I know it
, she thought.

With these hands I took a man’s life, and almost simultaneously, a new life began inside me. Was this part of the transaction?

Aomame shut her eyes and stopped thinking. Her head empty, something silently flowed inside. And before she knew it, she was praying.

Amen.

Why would a prayer come to my lips at a time like this? I don’t believe in things like heaven or paradise or the Lord, yet the words are chiseled into my brain. Ever since I was three or four and didn’t even know what they meant, I could recite this prayer from memory. If I made the slightest mistake, I got the back of my hands smacked with a ruler. Though you couldn’t normally see it, when something happened it would rise to the surface, like a secret tattoo
.

What would my mother say if I told her I got pregnant without having had sex? She might see it as a terrible sacrilege against her faith
. In any case, it was a kind of immaculate conception—though Aomame was certainly not a virgin. But still. Or maybe her mother wouldn’t be bothered to even deal with it, not even listen to her.
Because she sees me as a failure, someone who long ago had fallen from her world
.

Let me think about it in a different way
, Aomame thought.
I won’t try to force an explanation on the inexplicable, but instead I’ll examine the phenomenon from a different angle, as the riddle that it is
.

Am I seeing this pregnancy as something good, something to be welcomed? Or as something unwelcome, something inappropriate?

I can’t reach a conclusion no matter how hard I think about it. I’m still in a state of shock. I’m mixed up, confused. In certain ways I feel split in two. And understandably I’m having trouble swallowing this new reality
.

Yet Aomame also had to recognize that she was watching this little heat source with a positive sense of anticipation. She simply had to see what happened to this thing growing inside her. Obviously she was anxious and scared.
It
might be more than she could imagine. It might be a hostile foreign entity that greedily devoured her from the inside. She could imagine all sorts of negative possibilities. But she was in thrall to a healthy curiosity. Like a sudden flash of light in the dark, a thought abruptly sprang to her mind.

Maybe this is Tengo’s child inside my womb
.

Aomame frowned a bit and considered this.
Why do I have to be pregnant with Tengo’s child?

How about looking at it like this?
she thought.
On that chaotic night, when so much took place, some process was at work in this world and Tengo sent his semen into my womb. Somehow, through a gap in the thunder and rain, the darkness and the murder, a special kind of passageway opened, through some logic I can’t understand. Just for an instant. And in that instant we took advantage of the passageway. I took that opportunity to greedily accept Tengo into me. I became pregnant. Egg 201—or was it 202?—grabbed onto one of his millions of spermatozoa, a single sperm cell that was as healthy and clever and straightforward as the one who produced it
.

That’s a pretty wild idea. It doesn’t make any sense. I could try to explain it until I went hoarse and nobody would ever believe me. But the whole notion of me being pregnant itself doesn’t make any sense. But remember—this is the year 1Q84. A strange world where anything can happen
.

What if this really
is
Tengo’s child?
she wondered.

That morning at the turnout on Metropolitan Expressway No
. 3
through Tokyo, I didn’t pull the trigger. I really went there, and stuck the muzzle in my mouth, planning to die. I wasn’t afraid of death, because I was dying to save Tengo. But some higher power acted on me and snatched me away from death. From far away I heard a voice calling my name. Maybe it called me because I was pregnant? Was something trying to tell me of this new life inside me?

Aomame recalled the dream, and the refined older woman who put her coat on her to cover her nakedness.
She got out of her silver Mercedes and gave me her light, soft eggshell-colored coat. She knew then that I was pregnant, and she gently protected me from people’s stares, the cold wind, and other vicious things
.