1Q84 (154 page)

“Which is why I needed a pistol,” Aomame said.

“Bobblehead was well aware of all this,” Tamaru went on. “He knew the cult was after you to grill you and punish you. But somehow the situation has drastically shifted. After Bobblehead left the stage, I spoke with one of the cult members. He said they have no plans to do you any harm. He asked me to give you this message. It could be a trap, but it sounded genuine to me. The guy explained that Leader was actually hoping to die, that it was a kind of self-destruction. So there’s no need anymore to punish you.”

“He’s right,” Aomame said in a dry tone. “Leader knew from the outset that I had gone there to kill him. And he wanted me to kill him.”

“His security detail hadn’t seen through you, but Leader had.”

“That’s right. I don’t know why, but he knew everything beforehand,” Aomame said. “He was
waiting for me
there.”

Tamaru paused briefly, and then said, “What happened?”

“We made a deal.”

“This is the first I’ve heard of it,” Tamaru said, his voice stiff.

“I never had the opportunity to tell you.”

“Tell me what sort of deal you made.”

“I massaged his muscles for a good hour, and all the while he talked. He knew about Tengo. And somehow he knew about the connection between Tengo and me. He told me he wanted me to kill him. He wanted to escape the terrible physical pain he was in as soon as possible. If I would give him death, he said, he would spare Tengo’s life for me. So I made up my mind and took his life. Even if I hadn’t carried it out, he already had one foot in the grave, and when I considered the kinds of things he had done, I almost felt like letting him stay as he was, in such agony.”

“You never reported to Madame about this deal you made.”

“I went there to kill Leader, and I carried out my assignment,” Aomame said. “The issue with Tengo was private.”

“All right,” Tamaru said, sounding half resigned. “You most definitely did carry out your assignment, I’ll give you that. And the issue of Tengo Kawana is indeed a private matter. But somewhere either before or after this, you became pregnant. That’s not something that can be easily overlooked.”

“Not
before or after
. I got pregnant on that very night, the night of the huge rainstorm and terrible lightning that hit the city. On the same exact night when I
dealt with
Leader. As I said before, without any sex involved.”

Tamaru sighed. “Considering what we’re talking about, I either have to believe you or not believe you, one or the other. I have always found you to be a trustworthy person and I want to believe you, but I can’t fathom the logic. Understand, I am a person who can only follow deductive reasoning.”

Aomame was silent.

Tamaru went on. “Is there a cause-and-effect relationship between Leader’s murder and this mysterious pregnancy?”

“I really can’t say.”

“Is it possible that the fetus inside you is Leader’s child? That he used some method—what that would be I have no idea—and impregnated you? If that’s true, then I understand why they’re trying to get ahold of you. They need a successor to Leader.”

Aomame clutched the phone tight and shook her head. “That’s impossible. This is Tengo’s child. I know it for a fact.”

“That’s another thing I have to either trust you on or not.”

“Beyond that, I can’t explain anything.”

Tamaru sighed again. “All right. For the time being I’ll accept what you’re saying—that this baby is yours and Tengo’s, and that you know this for a fact. Still, I don’t see how it makes sense. At first they wanted to capture you and punish you severely, but at a certain point something happened—or they found out something. Now they
need you
. They said they guarantee your safety, and that they have something to offer you, and they want to meet directly to discuss this. What could have happened to account for this sudden turnaround?”

“They don’t need me,” Aomame said. “They need what’s inside my belly. Somewhere along the line they realized this.”

“Ho, ho,” one of the Little People intoned from somewhere.

“Things are moving a bit too fast for me,” Tamaru said. He gave a little groan again in the back of his throat. “I still don’t see the logical connection here.”

Well, nothing’s been logical since the two moons appeared
, Aomame thought.
That’s what stole the logic from everything
. Not that she said this aloud.

“Ho, ho,” six other Little People joined in.

“They need someone to
hear the voice,
” Tamaru said. “The man I talked with on the phone was insistent about that. If they lose the voice, it could be the end of the religion. What hearing the voice actually means, I have no idea. But that’s what the man said. Does this mean that the child inside you is the
one who hears the voice
?”

Aomame laid a gentle hand on her abdomen. Maza
and
dohta, she thought to herself.
The moons can’t hear about this
.

“I’m not—really sure,” Aomame said, carefully choosing her words. “But I can’t think of any other reason they would need me.”

“But why would this child have that kind of special power?”

“I don’t know.”
In exchange for his life, maybe Leader entrusted his successor to me
, she thought.
In order to accomplish that, on that stormy night he might have temporarily opened the circuits where worlds intersect, and joined Tengo and me as one
.

Tamaru went on. “No matter who the father of that child is, or whatever abilities that child may or may not have when it’s born, you have no intention of negotiating with the cult, correct? You don’t care what they give you in exchange. Even if they solve all the riddles you’ve been wondering about.”

“I’ll never do it,” Aomame said.

“Despite your intentions, they may take
what they want
by force. By any means necessary,” Tamaru said. “Plus, you have a weak spot: Tengo Kawana. Perhaps the only weak spot you have, but it’s a big one. When they discover that, that’s where they’ll focus their attack.”

Tamaru was right. Tengo was both her reason for living and her Achilles’ heel.

Tamaru went on. “It’s too dangerous for you to stay there any longer. You need to move to a more secure location before they figure out the connection between you and Tengo.”

“There are no more secure places in
this world
,” Aomame said.

Tamaru mulled over her opinion. “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said quietly.

“First, I have to see Tengo. Until that happens, I can’t leave here. No matter how dangerous it might be.”

“What are you going to do when you see him?”

“I know what I need to do.”

Tamaru was silent for a moment. “You’re crystal clear on that?”

“I don’t know if it will work out, but I know what I have to do. I’m crystal clear on that, yes.”

“But you’re not planning on telling me what it involves.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t. Not just you, but anybody. If I told anyone about it, at that instant it would be disclosed to the whole world.”

The moons were listening carefully. So were the Little People. And this very room she was in. She couldn’t let it out of her heart, not one centimeter. She had to surround her heart with a thick wall so nothing could escape.

On the other end of the line Tamaru was tapping the tip of a ballpoint pen on a desk. Aomame could hear the dry, rhythmic noise. It was a lonely sound, lacking any resonance.

“Okay, then let’s get in touch with Tengo Kawana. Before that, though, Madame must agree to it. The task I’ve been given is to move you, as soon as possible, to another location. But you said you can’t leave there until you see Tengo. It doesn’t look like it will be easy to explain the reason to her. You understand that, right?”

“It’s very difficult to logically explain the illogical.”

“Exactly. As difficult as finding a real pearl in a Roppongi oyster bar. But I’ll do my best.”

“Thank you,” Aomame said.

“What you’re insisting on doesn’t make sense to me, no matter how I look at it. Still, the more I talk with you, the more I feel that maybe I can accept it. I wonder why.”

Aomame kept silent.

“Madame trusts you and believes in you,” Tamaru said, “so if you insist on it that much, I can’t see her finding a reason not to let you see Tengo. You and Tengo seem to have an unwavering connection to each other.”

“More than anything in the world,” Aomame said.

More than anything in
any
world
, she repeated to herself.

“Even if I say it’s too dangerous, and refuse to contact Tengo, you’ll still go to that apartment to see him.”

“I’m sure I will.”

“And no one can stop you.”

“It’s pointless to try.”

Tamaru paused for a moment. “What message would you like me to give Tengo?”

“Come to the slide after dark. After it gets dark, anytime is fine. I will be waiting. If you tell him Aomame said this, he’ll understand.”

“Okay. I’ll let him know.
Come to the slide after dark
.”

“If he has something important he doesn’t want to leave behind, tell him to bring it with him. But tell him he has to be able to keep both hands free.”

“Where are you going to take that luggage?”

“Far away,” Aomame said.

“How far away?”

“I don’t know,” Aomame said.

“All right. As long as Madame gives her permission, I’ll let Tengo know. And I will do my best to keep you safe. But there’s still danger here. We’re dealing with desperate men. You need to protect yourself.”

“I understand,” Aomame said quietly. Her palm still lay softly on her abdomen.
Not just myself
, she thought.

After she hung up, she collapsed onto the sofa. She closed her eyes and thought about Tengo. She couldn’t think of anything else. Her chest felt tight, and it hurt, but it was a good sort of pain. It was the kind of pain she could put up with. Tengo was so close, almost within reach. Less than a ten-minute walk away. The very thought warmed her to her core.
Tengo is a bachelor, and teaches math at a cram school. He lives in a neat, humble little apartment. He cooks, irons, and is writing a long novel
. Aomame envied Tamaru. If it were possible, she would like to get into Tengo’s apartment like that, when he was out. Tengo’s Tengo-less apartment. In the deserted silence she wanted to touch each and every object there—check out how sharp his pencils were, hold his coffee cup, inhale the odor of his clothes. She wanted to take that step first, before actually coming face-to-face with him.

Without that prefatory knowledge, if they were suddenly together, just the two of them, she couldn’t imagine what she should say. The thought made it hard to breathe, and her mind went blank. There were too many things. Still, when it came down to it, perhaps nothing needed to be said. The things she most wanted to tell him would lose their meaning the moment she put them into words.

All she could do now was simply wait—calmly, with eyes wide open. She prepared a bag so she could run outside as soon as she spotted Tengo. She stuffed an oversized black leather shoulder bag with everything she would need so she wouldn’t have to come back here. There weren’t all that many things. Some cash, a few changes of clothes, and the Heckler & Koch, fully loaded. That was about it. She put the bag where she could get to it at a moment’s notice. She took her Junko Shimada suit from the hanger in the closet and, after checking that it wasn’t wrinkled, hung it on the wall in the living room. She also took out the white blouse that went with the suit, stockings, and her Charles Jourdan high heels. And the beige spring coat. The same outfit she was wearing when she climbed down the emergency stairway on Metropolitan Expressway No. 3. The coat was a bit thin for a December evening, but she had no other choice.

After getting all this ready, she sat in the garden chair on the balcony and looked out through the slit in the screen at the slide in the park. Tengo’s father died late Sunday night. A minimum of twenty-four hours had to elapse between the time a person died and the time they could be cremated. She was sure there was a law that said that. Tuesday would be the earliest they could do the cremation. Today was Tuesday. The earliest Tengo would be back in Tokyo from
wherever
after the funeral would be this evening. And then Tamaru could give him the message. So Tengo wouldn’t be coming to the park anytime before that. Plus, it was still light out.

On his death, Leader set this
little one
inside my womb
, she thought.
That’s my working supposition. Or maybe I should say intuition. Does this mean I’m being manipulated by the will he left behind, being led to a destination that he established?

Aomame grimaced.
I can’t decide anything. Tamaru surmised that I got pregnant with the
one who hears the voice
as a result of Leader’s plan. Probably as an air chrysalis. But why does it have to be
me?
And why does my partner have to be Tengo?
This was another thing she couldn’t explain.

Be that as it may, things are moving forward around me, even though I can’t figure out the connections, or sort out the principles at work behind them, or see where things are headed. I’ve just wound up entangled in it all. Until now, that is
, she told herself.

Her lips twisted and she grimaced even more.

From now on, things will be different. Nobody else’s will is going to control me anymore. From now on, I’m going to do things based on one principle alone: my own will. I’m going to protect this
little one,
whatever it takes. This is my life, and my child. Somebody else may have programmed it for their own purposes, but there’s no doubt in my mind that this is Tengo’s and my child. I’ll never hand it over to anyone else. Never. From here on out, I’m the one in charge. I’m the one who decides what’s good and what’s bad—and which way we’re headed. And people had better remember that
.

The phone rang the next day, Wednesday, at two in the afternoon.

“I gave him the message,” Tamaru said, as usual omitting any greeting. “He’s in his apartment now. I talked to him this morning on the phone. He will be at the slide tonight at precisely seven.”