3 Sides to a Circle (21 page)

I keep torturing myself by going into Joe’s
Coffeehouse to watch Sawyer work—especially after Mom promises me we’ll find a way to make New York a possibility. It’s something I already knew, but now that I’ve realized it’s what I want to do, the whole situation is becoming more real. Maybe I should do whatever it takes to let him go, knowing I’m moving away, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

After Libby made the
huge concession in not dragging us through the library the other night, she’s been oddly quiet, and I’m afraid to tell her I’m thinking of leaving. Not next year. At the end of the semester, which is almost here.

She saved me the night Sawyer basically turned me away again, and
we went back to our dorm even when I know it’s the last thing she wanted. I’m terrified of her reaction to me leaving.

I’m studying in the corner
of Joe’s Coffee, but getting almost nothing accomplished because when Sawyer moves, I see his blond hair and the sadness on his face. I’m desperate for some of that sadness to be for me.

The
second finals are done, I’m going to New York to be fitted at Ralph Lauren and to make sure that I’m what they’re looking for. If I am, I might be shooting as soon as January for the summer line of Ralph Lauren’s Black Label. Or maybe it was for the fall line. The details sort of ran through my brain too fast for me to grab on to.

I’m sort of in shock. This is what real
models do. They’re in catalogs and on photo shoots, and I’ve been doing it but on such a small scale, and there’s nothing small about this. Nothing. I’m at the cusp of something bigger than I ever thought I’d be a part of.

My smile is beginning to hurt my cheeks
, and I glance back just in time to see Sawyer quickly look away. It’s killing me to be this close and not talking.

The problem is that nothing in my life has changed aside from Toby moving back across the hall, though he ends up in our room
more nights than not. There’s no way to explain that and also no way for me to feel less for Sawyer than I do. At least I haven’t figured it out yet if there is.

A shout announces the arrival of Libby who bounds to my chair and glances over her shoulder toward the baristas. “Aren’t you torturing yourself?” she asks way too loudly.

“Please sit down,” I hiss.

“S
eriously, Honor. There are a million guys on campus. Leave poor Sawyer alone. You’re going to turn into a super-stalker or something.” She’s made no move to lower her voice, and the heat on my cheeks fuels my anger. Instead of screaming at her, which will do absolutely nothing, I stare at my bag as I fill it with textbooks and clench my jaw.

She huffs as she folds her arms. “Don’t tell me you’re running out just because I’m calling it like it is.”

And this from the girl who dragged me to a Blue Light House party to get me together with him. I can’t follow her logic because there is none. Part of me wants to scream at her right now that I’m leaving because I can’t deal with her anymore. Her jaw is set and I wish so hard she was the girl who held me when I needed her to and who told me I could nail the photo shoot and who made me move my bed and helped me to stop obsessing when I leave our place in the morning.

I search her face for any sign o
f her caving or apologizing for her comment, but I come up empty.

“I know you’re leaving.” Her jaw is set. So this is why she came in here and immediately attacked me. She’ll see it as me leaving
her
, which is ridiculous and completely unfair to me.

“I’ve got homework,” I say through clenched teeth
, as I push around her and out the door. I’m shaking as I head up the sidewalk, but I’m not turning back because I might do something really stupid like tell her to fuck off.

Two more weeks of classes before break, and I’m in shock that my first semester of college is almost over.

For the past three weeks Libby has said nothing else about Thanksgiving, her dad, her family, her pregnant sister, how I cried about Sawyer all night, how she gave up her library trip for me but hasn’t conceded anything since.

I’m beginning to wonder if she has classes that she goes to, or if she just runs around collecting people.
I’ve been avoiding her and at some point she’s going to call me on it. Or Toby will, even though it’s not like him. Though, I think he’d stand up for Libby.

I stare at the sidewalk as I run through the website I was
designing in class today and make a mental list of the final few things I need to tweak before I can turn it in.

“Hey.”
Sawyer steps in beside me and I stumble once I’m so surprised.

He steadies me,
which flips my heart over and weakens my knees, and I’m about ready to fall over again from our nearness.

“How are you?” I blurt wishing everything that used to be between us was still there.

“I’m…” He swallows and shrugs.

About like me I guess. “Why aren’t we
—”
together
?

“How are things with your friends?” he asks.

“I don’t know. Libby’s hardly talking to me lately, and…” And I’m afraid to even say Toby’s name, which is stupid because Toby and I aren’t that way, but he’s a guy and that makes it different somehow.

“I’m running late, so I…” He gestures ahead. But it’s like even the air
between us is stilted because of all the things we feel for each other.

“It’s not fair for you to make me choose
between you and them.” I can feel my eyes open wider because I wasn’t expecting that to come out of my mouth.

“What?” He leans forward slightly and then I can
see him process what I just said. “No.” He rubs his forehead. “I don’t need you to choose between us, Honor. They’re still more important to you than me, and maybe that makes me some kind of a selfish asshole, but I like you too much…” He sighs.

“What?”

Toby jogs up and stops next to me, and I want to slap him a little for not ducking his head and walking around.

Sawyer
glances his way so briefly I almost don’t catch it. “We’ve already said everything there is to say. Nothing’s different. I gotta go.”

His head bends down as he walks quickly away
, and I’m left with all the same thoughts I’ve had about him for the last month. I fell just as fast as him but never said I did. I left him and didn’t bring him along when I should have. He bailed me out of jail on a night I chose my friends over him. And he might not think he’s making me choose, but I
feel
like I have to choose, and even though I’m completely frustrated, I’m not giving up my circle of people.

Toby adjusts his glasses as he stares down.
“I’m sorry, Honor. I wasn’t thinking. I just saw you and I can’t get a hold of Libby, and so I…”

“It’s fine.” I wave him away.

“I thought maybe I could say hello too. Smooth things over.” Only it sounds like more of an afterthought and not what he actually intended.

“What are the freaking odds…
?” I sigh as Toby and I trudge back to the dorm.

“Of?” H
e turns slightly as we walk.

“I swear every time
something weird happens with Libby he’s around. Or you show up and he’s around. I don’t know.”

“Want me to walk a different way?” Toby takes a step away.

I roll my eyes and grab his arm. “No, Toby. That’s ridiculous. And besides, he’s gone.”

We walk in silence for a few steps, the cold snow crunching under our feet, and our breath billowing out in foggy patterns in front of us.

“Have you thought about going back home? Or just taking off?” I ask.

Toby shrugs. “And go where?”

I lean my head against his shoulder. “It’s like I don’t know what to do without her, but sometimes…”

“You
wanna kill her.” He gives my hand a squeeze.

“Yeah. Sometimes.”

“How does something like this end for you?” he asks. And I get right now that Toby won’t end this. There’s something in Libby that fills something in him and I don’t think he’d give her up even if it was making him crazy. Or maybe it’s the fact that he can just be there for her, and that’s enough. That he doesn’t mind losing himself in crazy-Libby.

“I hope it slowly fizzles to less intense
and then stays that way because I don’t want to lose her.” It’s a dream, I guess. But maybe I don’t want to lose her at all, just want to have some say in what our relationship is like instead of her holding the power.

Toby’s silent because we both know that
’s not at all how it will go.

“I think you
’re falling in love with her,” I say.

I’m waiting for him to deny it or walk around it, but he doesn’t. “Yes. I think I am.
I think I always have been. A little bit.”

I squeeze his arm tighter and just hope that Libby doesn’t break him. Toby’s too nice to get screwed over by a girl I don’t know whether to love or hate.

“Keep an eye on her for me, would ya?” he asks. “I’ve been worried.”

I’ve been avoiding, but I keep that to myself. “Sure, Toby. I’ll keep an eye on her.” And wait for her to start dragging me out for coffee and giving me pouty lips when I don’t jump at her next crazy scheme.

“Your purple is really fading out.” I finger Libby’s hair as she lies on her stomach and watches
The Avengers
on her computer. Neither of us has mentioned moving or New York or how I walked out on her the other day.

She looks so tiny
and small when she’s like this, and now I’m starting to see why Toby’s been so worried. This makes me feel like a really crappy friend because I live with her. Now that he
has
said something and I’m sitting next to her listless body, I realize that she’s slowly been going down the past couple weeks. I haven’t done or said anything to change it.

“Yeah.
It’s fading.” She doesn’t move and doesn’t make snarky comments about the actors or the set or the holes in the plot, and this scratchy feeling starts gnawing at me, telling me something’s wrong. How long has it been since Libby dragged us out for coffee?

“You sick or something?” I ask.

“Just tired.” She rests her head on her pillow, probably only able to see half of the TV. “Aren’t you ever just unbelievably tired?”

“I guess.” In a way I’m fighting it now. Still.
Over a guy.

“I feel
tired all the time. That’s all.” She rubs her finger over her lips as she keeps staring at the TV.

The more I look at her
, she doesn’t look tired. She looks…buried in herself, and I have no idea what to do about it.

“Can I lay down with you?” I ask.

“That’d be nice.” But her eyes don’t move from the screen and even she doesn’t move until I’m lying next to her, and then she scoots in, pressing our sides together until I relax, making me wonder if this is what it’s like to have a sister. Someone who makes you crazy, but that you’re not sure how to live without all at once.

I rest my arm over her and we lie together watching a movie I can’t focus on, and that I don’t think she’s actually watching either.

Suddenly there’s this ache in my chest of worry. Where’s the girl who painted my ceiling? Who helped me
get
Sawyer? Who helped me with my photo shoot? Who pulled us all together?

For the first time, I’m actually afraid to be without Libby.
And I’m even more afraid about what might be happening with her because I don’t think I have the full picture here. And it hits me again how little I know about her aside from what we’ve done together.

Chapter
Thirty

Toby

I go to the newspaper meeting. I don’t even really know why. I can’t write articles. I’m maybe not good enough, but even if I were, I couldn’t because I’m still getting a D in Business 101. But Libby is fading and I have to have something that feels good. So I go to the meeting. I listen. Dr. Simms introduces me. Then the editor asks if I want to wait until next semester for my first assignment. I nod and mumble and tell him I’ll get back to him.

And I’m a big fucking coward because I haven’t gotten back to him. And now, I’m avoiding Dr. Simms because I know he’ll ask. And I’m avoiding Business 101 because my professor looks at me like I’m a moron. And whenever anyone says anything to me in class, I don’t really hear them.

I can’t eat or sleep
, wondering what’s happened to Libby. Her bursts out of her room are manic and desperate. Last week, she walked into the bathroom while I was showering. Not even batting an eye at the guys standing there with no shirts on, shaving and brushing their teeth. She climbed into the stall with me with her clothes on and hugged me so tight, my breath came in pants. But there was nothing sexual about it, just this giant chasm of want between us. Both of us wanting her to be okay and knowing she wasn’t. I finally pulled us out of the shower when all the hot water was gone and dried her off before tucking her back into bed.