98 Wounds (9 page)

And then you think that maybe you have the answers, some answers at least, some stab at answering what's going wrong, why it's all coming apart, all the what the hell's the matter questions. Not to say that your answers are in the ballpark of being correct, though they might be, but at the very least, they are plausible and they draw connecting lines where no one had thought to before, they suggest a possibility.

But by this time, no one is listening, no one is asking you anymore. No one sees you any more than a monster or a ghost, a lump in space and time, a problem, a workhorse, another one amongst the others.

* * *

I
WOULD MOST CERTAINLY LIKE TO

Bend without fear of breaking, break without fear of judgment.

* * *

But I am a liar, a sinner, a barebacker, a drug user, a degenerate, a slut, a home wrecker, a bugger, a scoundrel, a hopeless delinquent, a sick fuck, a vile idiot, an abomination, a shit-eating punk, a psycho nutjob, a sociopath, a useless piece of trash, a bastard son-of-a-bitch good-for-nothing lowlife scumbag.

And you cannot, must not, believe anything — not a single word — that I say.

Justin Chin was born in Malaysia, raised and educated in Singapore, shipped to the U.S. by way of Hawaii, and has resided in San Francisco for many years. He is the author of three books of poetry, all published by Manic D Press:
Bite Hard
(1997);
Harmless Medicine
(2001), a Bay Area Book Reviewers Association Awards finalist; and
Gutted
(2006), winner of the Publishing Triangle's Thom Gunn Award for Poetry. Squeezed in between these were two non-fictions:
Mongrel: Essays, Diatribes & Pranks
(St. Martins, 1999) and the ur-memoir,
Burden of Ashes
(Alyson, 2002).

In the '90s, Chin also led a double life as a performance artist: he created and presented seven full-length solo works around the U.S. He packed up those cookies in 2002 (with occasional relapses) and the documents, scripts, and what-heck from that period were published in
Attack of the Man-Eating Lotus Blossoms
(Suspect Thoughts, 2005).