A Baby in the Bargain (15 page)

Whatever was happening between them right now could be her last chance for a long,
long
time.

And this was Gideon.

Her last time could be with him....

With this man whom she wanted more than any
man ever...

It seemed crazy to deny herself that.

So she wasn’t going to.

She was going to have him.

She just had to. Even if he was only kissing her so far, she just had to have more. She just had to have it all....

She let her hands drop to his waist, to the hem of his sweater and she began to pull it upward, intent on taking it off of him.

But he instantly ended their kiss.

“Uh... Hi...” he said with a questioning glance down at what she was doing.

Jani smiled. Laughed. And said, “I thought maybe you...” She wanted to say: “should stay the night.” But what she said was “...were hot.”

“Oh, I’m hot all right,” he said with a stirred-up sort of laugh that let her know it had nothing to do with temperature. “But wasn’t it you who said we couldn’t?”

“Maybe now we can...” Jani whispered with a tilt of her chin.

“Maybe?”

She merely grinned and kissed him, boldly sending her tongue on an expedition of its own.

But Gideon only indulged for a few minutes before he took her by the shoulders and pushed her out to arm’s length.

“No maybes,” he warned. “Either we can or we can’t...”

“Well, I can,” she said with a challenging tone that made him laugh before his brow crinkled into an almost pained sort of expression.

“Oh, believe me, I can, too. I just don’t want you changing your mind at the last minute. Or hating me in the morning...”

“My mind won’t change, and I can’t imagine
ever
hating you....”

He studied her face, and Jani thought that a part of him was wondering if this was a trap of some kind.

But then he grinned and made a feral sort of groan as he pulled her to him to kiss her again. It was steamier even than before. Whatever minor inhibitions might have existed were gone and the only pause came when he finished the job she’d begun and tore off both his sweater and the T-shirt that was underneath it. But then he came right back to recapture her mouth with his.

Laying her palms on his bare skin opened the floodgates in Jani; she escaped from all thought to lose herself in what her wandering hands were discovering. In the feel of his naked chest, of his bulging biceps. In the pure breadth of his massive shoulders. In the heat of his broad back where the skin was smooth as her hands coursed all over it.

He had muscle everywhere there should have been muscle—hard and honed and strong. There was tautness where there should have been tautness, and more still when her hands explored his pectorals, causing his nipples to become almost as tight as hers were.

And hers were so, so tight, craving his touch...

He was taking his own sweet time, though, kissing her, kissing her, kissing her, holding her wrapped in arms that could have crushed her but merely enfolded her in the warmest embrace, leaving her breasts aching for some attention.

But still he didn’t give it. Or at least not the way she expected.

Instead, just when she was considering placing one of his hands to one of her breasts herself, Gideon found the hem of her T-shirt, tugged it upward and then stopped kissing her to pull it over her head.

Which was when the unexpected came. Because while her wrists were caught in her sleeves, well over her head, he returned to kissing her—only what he was kissing now were her nipples. Kissing, nuzzling, then taking one fully into his mouth as he yanked her shirt completely off, threw it aside and clasped a hand to her other breast.

Jani couldn’t keep from moaning softly, her arms drifting down to him again, to his back, just as he drew her breast farther in. And while his tongue traced the outer rim of her nipple, and then flicked at the crest, while his teeth tugged and nipped, his hand kneaded and caressed and lightly pinched, lighting glittering sparks inside her.

She was lying back on the sofa and she didn’t even remember getting there. But Gideon was over her, on top of her, and the weight of him, what he was doing to her, only made her want him all the more. All the more urgently.

So urgently that even though it flitted through her mind that they could go upstairs, that possibly the lights should be turned off, there was nothing she could do but writhe as she experienced the wonders of what he was doing to her.

Then he reared up onto his knees, straddling her, and she saw some merit to the lights being on because she got to look at him. She got her first sight of his naked torso, and it was more amazing than it had been even to touch. Cut and carved, his body was a work of art.

A work of art that was still partially covered. She needed to remedy that.

Still drinking in the sight of him, she reached for the button keeping his waistband closed and unfastened it, not hesitating to lower the zipper that was nearly ready to burst, too.

Before she could go farther, he got up and turned off one of the end table lamps, leaving the room bathed in a more intimate light that Jani liked much better.

He took his wallet from the rear pocket of his jeans and pulled out a strip of condoms that gave Jani a moment of regret when she saw them.

But babies weren’t what this was about, she reminded herself, shooing away even the thought to merely enjoy what was happening when Gideon peeled off his jeans and whatever was on underneath them.

Wow...

He was definitely a work of art. Everywhere. An example of the perfect male physique brought to grand and glorious life. And one glimpse of him in all his masculine beauty made Jani want him even more.

He returned to straddling her while he took away what remained of her clothes, too.

Having him study her the way she’d studied him was a little disconcerting until he groaned his approval, and then stretched out beside her.

He kissed her again, slowly but with such passion—passion intensified by what his big, strong hand was doing at her breasts at the same time—that needs she hadn’t even known she had began to erupt inside of her.

She turned slightly toward him and insinuated one of her knees between his, bringing it upward, letting her thigh rest in the juncture of his legs as she reached for him, enclosing him in a grip that made him moan and tighten his hand at her breast.

Tongues went wild for a moment before he abandoned her mouth and kissed his way downward. Jani’s spine arched involuntarily when he reached her breasts. Breasts that he delighted and delighted in, strumming a chord that seemed to run from there to the very core of her, and left her thinking she might peak before she should.

But just then he paused to put on protection. And when he returned, he rolled her to her back and came above her, between her welcoming legs, sliding into her in one smooth swing of his hips to hers.

Long and hard and sleek—he felt incredible inside of her, and together they were such a flawless fit that Jani had the fleeting thought that she’d been formed especially for him. And when he drew out, then in, then out and in again, she followed each ebb and flow to keep pace with a rhythm that came to her instinctively, naturally, as if that, too, was by some greater design that she’d just realized she belonged to.

Aware only of her body, and of his, of what they were doing together, she rode the waves, fingers clutching his back. It was heavenly torture when he drew away, and just plain heaven when he drove home again.

Growing, growing, growing—she could feel something that she couldn’t possibly contain gaining power, a power like she’d never experienced. And then she lost the ability to breathe as it exploded and the most exquisite pleasure rippled all through her, holding her frozen and arched and silent until it began to pass and the tiniest of breathy moans escaped her throat as her lungs remembered to work.

Clinging to Gideon while her body barely began to come away from that splendor of all splendors, she felt him plunge even more deeply into her, more deeply than she thought possible. He pushed himself up on straight arms, bowed his spine and for one astonishing moment was rigid and still, reaching a height she felt reverberate from him into her in the superb shudder of his own release.

She lay beneath him, weak and spent and feeling oh-so-blissful. When the moment passed for him he eased himself down to her again kissing her in a way that seemed to seal them together completely. Then he held her tight and rolled so that she was suddenly on top, bodies still joined and melded together.

Her head went naturally to his chest and she turned to rest her cheek on the pillow of his pectoral, listening to the beat of his strong, strong heart while his arms wrapped her in more strength still.

“Wow...” he whispered, the exclamation more to himself than to her. “That was not like anything else—
ever—
for me,” he added.

He sounded so shaken that it actually worried Jani.

She tilted her head far back to look at him. “Bad?”

He laughed. “Bad? No! Why, was it bad for you?”

Now he was alarmed and that made Jani laugh just a little. “Oh, no,” she said without the slightest uncertainty. “It was like nothing else—ever—for me, too. Do you think it’s some weird fluke and neither of us has ever done it right before?”

That made him laugh again. “Maybe,” he said. “I know I’m a little afraid nothing will ever live up to it.”

She hadn’t thought of that....

“Maybe I should hang around and test it out,” he suggested.

If he did, she wouldn’t have just this one time, she’d have the whole night....

It was what she’d wanted to ask of him earlier.

But she concealed how happy that prospect made her by playing it cool. “Maybe you should... Purely for academic purposes.”

He craned his head up and kissed the top of hers. “In the name of science,” he said, pulsing inside of her.

“In the name of science,” she confirmed.

He rolled them over again, this time to their sides, pinning her with her back to the rear cushions of the couch and her front to him.

“And what’s a little sleep deprivation?” he asked, giving her tiny pecks of kisses.

“Sacrifices must be made,” Jani answered.

Then he brought one hand to her breast, and flexed more deeply within her as he said, “Maybe we should make one more sacrifice before you show me the bedroom in this place...”

When she was about to say,
“Already?”
his mouth took hers again before she could, and talking became the last thing she cared about....

Chapter Ten

J
ani might as well have stayed in bed with Gideon all day long on Thursday. It was what they’d both been tempted to do, and since she hadn’t accomplished anything at work by the end of the afternoon, she was kicking herself for giving in to the call of duty.

As it was, after a night of barely dozing off between rounds of lovemaking, and making love again this morning, Gideon hadn’t left her house until nine-thirty, and it had taken Jani until nearly eleven to get to her office. Where she hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything because she’d only been able to think about Gideon. About the night they’d spent together.

And how she didn’t think she could stand it if that one night was all they had...

She’d reminded herself a hundred times today that sleeping with Gideon was supposed to have been a sort of last hurrah for her. One final indulgence before she got pregnant and became a single parent. A nice memory to carry with her.

But that was
all
it was supposed to have been.

And yet today she just couldn’t accept it for that.

Her feelings for Gideon wouldn’t
let
her accept it for that.

She didn’t want to put a name to what she was feeling but deep down she knew what it was. And she knew it was stronger than even what she’d felt for Reggie.

She wanted the man.

She wanted the man and everything else, too—a long life with him, kids with him, going to bed with him every night, seeing his face first thing every morning. She wanted him by her side through the highs and the lows, she wanted to grow old with him.

She wanted it all with him so much that she was dreading the appointment she’d made for Friday to go through the donor profile notebook at the doctor’s office again.

Because she knew that there wasn’t anyone in it whom she wanted to father her baby. She wanted the father to be Gideon. Now that she’d met Gideon, now that she had feelings for him, it made it very difficult to go on with her plans for artificial insemination and single parenthood.

There was a voice in the back of her mind shouting that she was about to step into the pitfall she’d sworn to avoid. That having a child on her own was the solution to the problems that came with hanging her hopes on a man, a relationship. Her way to make sure she had the family she wanted while she still could.

But that voice wasn’t as loud as the other thoughts that were running through her mind.

She just couldn’t help thinking that Gideon was so much better a man than Reggie had been. He was honest and upstanding. He had integrity, loyalty, values, a strong sense of himself and his responsibilities. He was intelligent and ambitious and true to his convictions.

And if all of that wasn’t enough, he was great company, and amazingly good-looking, and she’d never clicked with anyone the way she did with him—out of bed and—now she knew—in bed, too.

They were just perfect together—that was what the louder voice in her head kept telling her. He was exactly whom she wanted to have kids with, and suddenly the secret wish that there might be a chance with him had leaped to the surface and taken over as an undeniable need to see if she couldn’t make it work with Gideon.

Am I just hopelessly stupid and naive?
she asked herself as she sat at her desk.
First Reggie with the gambling problem and now Gideon who hates Camdens and doesn’t want kids.

She had to admit that even entertaining the idea that she could make things work with Gideon seemed hopelessly stupid and naive. Ridiculously, unrealistically stupid and naive, in fact.

Because wanting someone to be different, hoping they could be different, trying to urge and push and cajole them to be different the way she had with Reggie, didn’t make them different. She’d learned that. Over and over again.

And yet...

There was still that louder voice also telling her that Reggie’s need to gamble was an addiction. A compulsion. A deeply rooted part of his personality, his character, his makeup.

But that wasn’t what was going on with Gideon.

His resentment of the Camdens was definitely deeply rooted. But she didn’t believe that it was an intrinsic part of his personality or his character. His family’s hatred of the Camdens and what they had suffered because of H.J. was just something that had had a strong influence on Gideon.

But now maybe so had she.

Not only had she been on a mission to make amends with the community center, but Gideon had said himself when he’d come over last night that clearing his great-grandfather’s name in that newspaper article had lifted a weight from his shoulders. He’d
thanked
her.

That might not be a complete pardon for what H.J. had done. But at least she’d begun the healing process for the injuries that were standing in the way of having a future with Gideon.

That was very different than Reggie’s gambling addiction, which couldn’t be fixed.

And although it worried her that she could be wrong, it also seemed as if Gideon’s anti-kid policy might be curable, too.

He’d been badly hurt by losing that little girl he’d thought of as his own. And his response was to swear he’d never let himself be vulnerable again, that he’d stay childless to protect himself.

But a man like Gideon—who had the capability of loving a child that much, who could be such a great dad, who had said himself that he’d genuinely liked being a parent—was precisely the type of man who
should
have kids. And Jani thought it was possible that he would eventually come to that conclusion. That once this particular wound had healed and scarred over, he might even
want
to try parenthood again.

She honestly thought it was just a matter of time.

Time that she didn’t have to spend...

But maybe if she could talk to him, reason with him—

Fix him?

Okay, the voice of caution was a little louder now. Probably because yes, what she was considering did constitute trying to fix something the way she’d mistakenly thought she could fix Reggie. But it wasn’t Gideon she was trying to fix—there wasn’t a single thing wrong with him. She needed to fix the problems that stood in the way of having what she wanted with him.

And she knew that if she didn’t make some effort to solve these particular problems, she wasn’t going to get what she wanted. She was just going to end up at the doctor’s office again tomorrow, looking through profiles of strangers to father the baby she would have without Gideon.

And raise without Gideon...

So she thought that she had to at least go to him and lay her cards on the table.

She had to take the risk.

She had to because she could see so clearly what a great life she and Gideon could have together.

Because she could see so clearly what beautiful kids they could have together.

Because
those
were the kids she wanted and the way she wanted to have them—sharing the whole experience with Gideon.

And because she couldn’t let it all slip through her fingers without taking that one last chance.

* * *

“Jani?”

Gideon was stunned to arrive at his loft at eight o’clock Thursday evening and find Jani sitting on the corridor floor outside his door, sound asleep.

Apparently his voice wasn’t loud enough to wake her because she was still out like a light.

For a moment he stood there above her, looking at her.

God, she was beautiful!

Dark hair fell around the alabaster skin of a face that a master’s hand could have sculpted. She’d taken off her coat, and the navy blue knit dress she was wearing hugged every curve of the tight little body that he just wanted his hands all over again the way they’d been last night and this morning. Her coat was draped across her lap but her legs were still visible, and there was no doubt about it—they were the best legs he’d ever seen, long and lean and shapely, with thin ankles above the four-inch heels that no woman he’d ever known could wear as well as Jani.

And after a day spent in utter confusion in regards to her, he just wanted to scoop her up, take her to his bed and let tonight be a repeat of last night.

But the confusion had been just torturous enough to keep him from doing that. Instead he hunkered down on his heels beside her, brushed her hair away from her delicately featured face and said again, more loudly, more firmly, “Jani?”

It registered this time. She jolted slightly, blinked her eyes and sat up straight.

Gideon could tell by the disorientation in her gorgeous blue eyes that she didn’t at first know where she was. But after a moment of glancing around, her gaze ended up on him and she smiled that lazy smile he’d seen a couple of times last night—that lazy smile that was a vision of sensuality and enough to turn him on all by itself.

But he fought the reaction and merely gave her a tentative smile in return. “Hi,” he said in a tone that asked why she was there even though he was so glad she was he didn’t care why.

“What time is it?” she asked.

“Eight.”

“You worked late...”

“I got a late start,” he reminded her, unable to keep from grinning at the thought of why he hadn’t made it to the office when he should have.

“Me, too,” she said with the same kind of grin. “But I was so scattered that I couldn’t get anything done anyway, so I left when I usually do.”

Gideon stood back up, bent over to take her hand and helped her to her feet.

He tried not to notice how soft her skin was, how small and fragile her hand felt in his, how much he just liked touching her. But he couldn’t help it.

As soon as she was steady on her high heels, he let go of her and turned to unlock the door.

“Scattered, huh?” he said as he ushered her into the loft.

Even though he’d spent the day conflicted over what they’d already done, even though he knew he shouldn’t do it again, he was already trying to find a way to give himself permission for yet another night with her.

But he wasn’t so sure that was a possibility when she said, “I just couldn’t get into work. I did a lot of thinking—about you and me—and I had to talk to you.”

He took off his overcoat and tossed it across the back of one of the side chairs. Then he hooked a leg over the corner of the sofa back and propped himself there. It was intended to appear nonchalant but the truth was he was anchoring himself to keep from going to Jani and kissing her.

She was still standing there, barely inside the door he’d closed behind them. He could see that she was keeping her distance and he didn’t think that boded well for anything.

“Okay. What do you want to talk about?” he asked.

“I...” she began, but she stalled, seemed to struggle for the words, then started again, “Last night was a big deal for me. Everything with you has been a big deal for me.”

Gideon wasn’t sure what that meant. But then she went on to tell him. To talk about having feelings for him. About wanting to have a future with him. About wanting his
babies...

“I know how you feel,” she said when she’d gotten all of it out. Gideon figured that his expression probably showed the alarm that was going off inside him.

But still she took one step closer, as if that didn’t scare her off.

“I know you might think of yourself as a traitor for having anything to do with me or any Camden,” she went on. “And I know the agony of losing that little girl you thought of as your daughter is still fresh enough for you to recoil at the thought of having kids. But if you could just get past it all and focus on what we have together... I just think that it’s too good to let anything stand in our way.”

“Jani—”

“I know,” she cut him short. “It was kind of off-putting for you to wake up this morning
in bed with a Camden—
”

He’d said it jokingly. But the joke hadn’t completely concealed that there had been a certain amount of guilt, too.

“—I know that this whole thing is complicated,” she continued. “I know the last thing you ever thought you’d do is become part of the Camden family. The last thing you ever wanted to do. And I can’t say I’ll ever renounce being a Camden, turn my back on my family or anything like that. I know what I’m asking is for you to—”

“Come over to the dark side?” he said facetiously.

Jani shrugged. “Yes. I know that’s how you’ve always thought of us. But you’ve seen for yourself who we are now. You know we hate what happened to your family because of H.J., and that we just want to make it up to you. That we’re trying—GiGi even wants me to offer the Thatcher Group the chance to build every Camden Superstore from here on, if you’re interested...Not that that’s what I came to talk to you about tonight.”

“You came to talk to me about things bigger than you think,” he said. Because while he felt an urge to just take her in his arms and say yes to anything she wanted, there was a whole lot of other baggage dragging him down and stopping him.

“I don’t believe that,” she insisted. “No Camdens, no kids—I know you think those are some kind of carved-in-stone, irrefutable laws that there’s no turning back from. But I think they’re really something else. I think they’re just your response to wounds—old ones and new ones. Wounds that can be healed. You said last night that you felt like a weight had been lifted off you because I set the record straight about your great-grandfather—that says to me that you’re beginning to heal. Isn’t that possible?”

“It helped,” Gideon acknowledged because he wasn’t going to withhold credit where credit was due.

“And now there will be the community center in Franklin Thatcher’s name. Instead of looking at yourself as some kind of traitor, couldn’t you look at it all and know that you’re the Thatcher who got restitution for your family—”

“Restitution?” Gideon couldn’t help scoffing at that. “Nothing that happens now makes anything up to my great-grandfather or my grandfather or my father. They still lived the lives they led because of what happened, Jani—”

“But do you owe them
your
life because of it? Can’t you put the past behind you?”