A Benjamin Franklin Reader (29 page)

Throughout his life, Franklin was a firm believer in good ventilation and that colds were caused not by chill but by breathing stale air that contained germs from other people. While living on Craven Street, he made a habit of sitting nude in front of an open window to help purify his body.

T
O
J
ACQUES
B
ARBEU
-D
UBOURG
, J
ULY
28, 1768

I greatly approve the epithet, which you give in your letter of the 8th of June, to the new method of treating the small-pox, which you call the tonic or bracing method. I will take occasion from it, to mention a practice to which I have accustomed myself. You know the cold bath has long been in vogue here as a tonic; but the shock of the cold water has always appeared to me, generally speaking, as too violent: and I have found it much more agreeable to my constitution to bathe in another element, I mean cold air. With this view I rise early almost every morning, and sit in my chamber, without any clothes whatever, half an hour or an hour, according to the season, either reading or writing. This practice is not in the least painful, but on the contrary, agreeable; and if I return to bed afterwards, before I dress myself, as sometimes happens, I make a supplement to my night’s rest, of one or two hours of the most pleasing sleep that can be imagined. I find no ill consequences whatever resulting from it, and that at least it does not injure my health, if it does not in fact contribute much to its preservation. I shall therefore call it for the future a bracing or tonic bath.

In his efforts to persuade the British that their tyrannical treatment of America would eventually backfire, Franklin continued to pour forth essays, letters, hoaxes and other pieces of propaganda. One of them, in January 1770, was a fable about a young lion cub and a large English dog traveling together on a ship. It was “humbly inscribed” to Lord Hillsborough, the colonial secretary who had become Franklin’s most ardent opponent.

T
HE
P
UBLIC
A
DVERTISER
, J
ANUARY
2, 1770

A lion’s whelp was put on board a Guinea ship bound to America as a present to a friend in that country: it was tame and harmless as a kitten, and therefore not confined, but suffered to walk about the ship at pleasure. A stately, full-grown English mastiff, belonging to the captain, despising the weakness of the young lion, frequently took its
food
by force, and often turned it out of its lodging box, when he had a mind to repose therein himself. The young lion nevertheless grew daily in size and strength, and the voyage being long, he became at last a more equal match for the mastiff; who continuing his insults, received a stunning blow from the lion’s paw that fetched his skin over his ears, and deterred him from any future contest with such growing strength; regretting that he had not rather secured its friendship than provoked its enmity.

In late 1769, Polly Stevenson met a man that wanted to marry her. William Hewson was a good catch for Polly, who by then was 30. He was on the verge of what would be a prominent career as a medical researcher and lecturer. “He must be clever because he thinks as we do,” Polly gushed in a letter from the country home where she was staying. But she played coy with Franklin by confessing (or feigning) her lack of enthusiasm for marrying Hewson. “He may be too young,” she told her older admirer.

Franklin, who had just returned from a trip to Paris, replied the very the next day with a letter that contained more flirtations than felicitations. “If the truth were known, I have reason to be jealous of this insinuating handsome young physician.” He would flatter his vanity, he said, by presuming “to suppose you were in spirits because of my safe return.”

For almost a year, Polly held off getting married because Franklin refused to advise her to accept Hewson’s proposal. Finally, in May of 1770, Franklin wrote that he had no objections. It was hardly an overwhelming endorsement. “I am sure you are a much better judge in this affair of your own than I can possibly be,” he said. As for her worry that she would not bring much of a financial dowry, Franklin could not resist noting that “I should think you a fortune sufficient for me without a shilling.”

Although he had missed the weddings of both of his real children, this was one Franklin made sure not to miss. Even though it was held in mid-summer when he usually traveled, he was there to walk Polly down the aisle and play the role of her father. A few weeks later, he professed to be pleased that she was happy, but he confessed that he was “now and then in low spirits” at the prospect of having lost her friendship. Fortunately for all, it was not to be. He became close to the new couple, and he and Polly would exchange more than 130 more letters during their lifelong friendship.

T
O
P
OLLY
S
TEVENSON
, M
AY
31, 1770

Dear Polly,

I received your letter early this morning, and as I am so engaged that I cannot see you when you come today, I write this line just to say, that I am sure you are a much better judge in this affair of your own than I can possibly be; in that confidence it was that I forbore giving my advice when you mentioned it to me, and not from any disapprobation. My concern (equal to any father’s) for your happiness, makes me write this, lest having more regard for my opinion than you ought, and imagining it against the proposal because I did not immediately advise accepting it, you should let that weigh any thing in your deliberations.

I assure you that no objection has occurred to me; his person you see, his temper and his understanding you can judge of, his character for any thing I have ever heard is unblemished; his profession, with that skill in it he is supposed to have, will be sufficient to support a family; and therefore considering the fortune you have in your hands, (though any future expectation from your aunt should be disappointed) I do not see but that the agreement may be a rational one on both sides. I see your delicacy; and your humility too; for you fancy that if you do not prove a great fortune you will not be beloved; but I am sure that were I in his situation in every respect, knowing you so well as I do, and esteeming you so highly, I should think you a fortune sufficient for me without a shilling.

Having thus more explicitly than before given my opinion, I leave the rest to your sound judgment, of which no one has a greater share; and shall not be too inquisitive after your particular reasons, your doubts, your fears, &c. for I shall be confident whether you accept or refuse, that you do right. I only wish you may do what will most contribute to your happiness, and of course to mine; being ever, my dear friend,

Yours most affectionately,

B.F.

P.S. Don’t be angry with me for supposing your Determination not quite so fixed as you fancy it.

T
O
P
OLLY
S
TEVENSON
H
EWSON
, J
ULY
18, 1770

Dear Polly,

Yours of the 15th. informing me of your agreeable journey and safe arrival at Hexham gave me great pleasure, and would make your good mother happy if I knew how to convey it to her; but ’tis such an out-of-the-way place she is gone to, and the name so out of my head, that the good news must wait her return. Enclosed I send you a letter which came before she went, and, supposing it from my daughter Bache, she would have me open and read it to her, so you see if there had been any intrigue between the gentleman and you, how all would have been discovered. Your mother went away on Friday last, taking with her Sally and Temple, trusting me alone with nanny, who indeed has hitherto made no attempt upon my virtue. Neither Dolly nor Barwell, nor any other good female soul of your friends or mine have been nigh me, nor offered me the least consolation by letter in my present lonesome state. I hear the postman’s bell, so can only add my affectionate respects to Mr. Hewson, and best wishes of perpetual happiness for you both. I am, as ever, my dear good girl, your affectionate friend,

B. Franklin

A few months after their wedding, Polly and William Hewson came to stay with Franklin while Mrs. Stevenson spent one of her long weekends visiting friends in the country. Together they published a fake newspaper to mark the occasion.

For four days, the newspaper poked fun at various Franklin foibles: how he violated his sermons about saving fuel by making a fire in his bedroom when everyone else was out, how he vowed to fix the front door but gave up because he was unable to decide whether it required buying a new lock or a new key, and how he pledged to go to church on Sunday. One particularly intriguing entry seems to refer to a woman named Lady Bardwell living nearby with whom Franklin had an unrequited flirtation.

The final edition contained one of Franklin’s inimitable letters to the editor, signed with the pseudonym “Indignation,” decrying the food and conditions. It was answered by “A Hater of Scandal,” who wrote that the surly Franklin had been offered a wonderful dinner of beef ribs and had rejected it because it did not agree with his system.

T
HE
C
RAVENSTREET
G
AZETTE
, S
EPTEMBER
22–26, 1770

The Cravenstreet Gazette, No 113, Saturday, September 22, 1770

This Morning Queen Margaret, accompanied by her first Maid of Honor, Miss Franklin, set out for Rochester. Immediately on their departure, the whole Street was in Tears—from a heavy Shower of Rain.

It is whispered that the new Family Administration which took place on her Majesty’s departure, promises, like all other new Administrations, to govern much better than the old one.

We hear that the
great
Person (so called from his enormous Size) of a certain Family in a certain Street, is grievously affected at the late changes, and could hardly be comforted this Morning, though the new Ministry promised him a roasted shoulder of mutton, and potatoes, for his dinner.

It is said, that the same
great
Person intended to pay his respects to another great personage this day, at St. James’s, it being Coronation-Day; hoping thereby a little to amuse his Grief; but was prevented by an accident, Queen Margaret, or her Maid of Honor having carried off the key of the drawers, so that the Lady of the Bedchamber could not come at a laced shirt for his Highness. Great clamors were made on this occasion against her Majesty.

Other accounts say, that the shirts were afterwards found, though too late, in another Place. And some suspect, that the wanting a shirt from those drawers was only a ministerial Pretence to excuse Picking the Locks, that the new Administration might have every thing at command.

We hear that the Lady Chamberlain of the Household went to market this morning by her own self, gave the butcher whatever he asked for the mutton, and had no dispute with the potatoe woman—to their great amazement—at the change of times!

It is confidently asserted, that this Afternoon, the Weather being wet, the great
Person
a little chilly, and no body at home to find fault with the expense of fuel, he was indulged with a fire in his chamber, it seems the design is, to make him contented, by degrees, with the absence of the Queen.

A Project has been under consideration of Government, to take the opportunity of her Majesty’s absence, for doing a Thing she was always averse to, viz. fixing a new lock on the street door, or getting a key made to the old one; it being found extremely inconvenient, that one or other of the Great Officers of State, should, whenever the Maid goes out for a hapworth of sand or a pint of porter, be obliged to attend the door to let her in again. But opinion, being divided, which of the two Expedients to adopt, the Project is for the present laid aside.

We have good Authority to assure our Readers, that a Cabinet Council was held this afternoon at tea; the subject of which was a Proposal for the Reformation of Manners, and a more strict Observation of the Lord’s Day, the result was, an unanimous resolution that no meat should be dressed tomorrow; whereby the cook and the first minister will both be at liberty to go to church, the one having nothing to do, and the other no roast to rule. It seems the cold shoulder of mutton, and the apple pie, were thought sufficient for Sunday’s dinner. All pious people applaud this measure, and ’tis thought the new Ministry will soon become popular.

We hear that Mr. Wilkes was at a certain House in Craven Street this day, and enquired after the absent Queen. His good Lady and the Children were well.

The Report that Mr. Wilkes the Patriot made the above Visit, is without Foundation, it being his Brother the Courtier.

Sunday, September 23

It is now found by sad Experience, that good Resolutions are easier made than executed. Notwithstanding yesterday’s solemn Order of Council, no body went to Church to day. It seems the
great
Persons broad-built-bulk lay so long abed, that Breakfast was not over till it was too late to dress. At least this is the Excuse. In fine, it seems a vain thing to hope Reformation from the example of our great Folks. The cook and the minister, however, both took advantage of the order so far, as to save themselves all trouble, and the clause of
cold dinner
was enforced, though the
going to Church
was dispensed with; just as the common working People observe the Commandment;
the seventh Day thou shalt rest,
they think a sacred Injunction; but the other
Six Days shalt thou labor
is deemed a mere Piece of Advice which they may practice when they want Bread and are out of Credit at the Alehouse, and may neglect whenever they have Money in their Pockets. It must nevertheless be said in justice to our Court, that whatever Inclination they had to Gaming, no Cards were brought out to Day. Lord and Lady Hewson walked after Dinner to Kensington to pay their Duty to the Dowager, and Dr. Fatsides made 469 Turns in his Dining Room as the exact Distance of a Visit to the lovely Lady Barwell, whom he did not find at home, so there was no Struggle for and against a Kiss, and he sat down to dream in the Easy Chair that he had it without any trouble.

Monday, September 24

We are credibly informed, that the
great
Person dined this Day with the Club at the Cat-and-Bagpipes in the City, on cold round of boiled beef. This, it seems, he was under some necessity of doing (though he rather dislikes beef) because truly the Ministers were to be all abroad somewhere to dine on hot roast Venison. It is thought that if the Queen had been at home, he would not have been so slighted. And though he shows outwardly no Marks of Dissatisfaction, it is suspected that he begins to wish for her Majesty’s Return.

It is currently reported, that poor Nanny had nothing for Dinner in the Kitchen, for herself and Puss, but the Scrapings of the Bones of Saturday’s Mutton.

This Evening there was high Play at the Groom Porters in Cravenstreet House. The Great Person lost Money. It is supposed the Ministers, as is usually supposed of all Ministers, shared the Emoluments among them.

Tuesday, September 25

This Morning the good Lord Hutton called at Cravenstreet House, and enquired very respectfully and affectionately concerning the Welfare of the absent Queen. He then imparted to the big Man a piece of intelligence important to them both, which he had just received from Lady Hawkesworth, viz. That amiable and excellent Companion Miss Dorothea Blount had made a vow to marry absolutely him of the two, whose wife should first depart this life. It is impossible to express with Words the various Agitations of Mind appearing in both their Faces on this Occasion.
Vanity
at the Preference given them to the rest of Mankind;
Affection
to their present Wives;
Fear
of losing them;
Hope,
(if they must lose them) to obtain the proposed Comfort;
Jealousy
of each other, in case both Wives should die together; &c. &c. &c. all working at the same time, jumbled their features into inexplicable confusion. They parted at length with Professions and outward Appearances indeed of ever-during Friendship; but it was shrewdly suspected that each of them sincerely wished Health and long Life to the other’s Wife; and that however long either of those Friends might like to live himself, the other would be very well pleased to survive him.

It is remarked that the skies have wept every day in Cravenstreet the Absence of the Queen.

The Public may be assured, that this Morning a certain
great Person
was asked very complaisantly by the Mistress of the Household, if he would choose to have the blade bone of Saturday’s Mutton that had been kept for his dinner today,
broiled
or
cold?
He answered gravely,
If there is any flesh on it, it may be broiled; if not, it may as well be cold.
Orders were accordingly given for broiling it. But when it came to table, there was indeed so very little flesh, or rather none at all (Puss having dined on it yesterday after Nanny) that if our new Administration had been as good Economists as they would be thought, the Expense of Broiling might well have been saved to the Public, and carried to the Sinking Fund. It is assured the great Person bears all with infinite Patience. But the Nation is astonished at the insolent presumption that dares treat so much mildness in so cruel a manner.

A terrible accident had
like to have happened
this Afternoon at Tea. The boiler was set too near the end of the little square table. The first Ministress was sitting at one end of the table to administer the Tea; the great Person was about to sit down at the other End where the Boiler stood. By a sudden motion, the Lady gave the table a tilt. Had it gone over, the great
Person
must have been scalded; perhaps to Death. Various are the Surmises and Observations on this Occasion. The Godly say, it would have been a just Judgment on him, for preventing by his Laziness, the Family’s going to Church last Sunday. The Opposition do not stick to insinuate that there was a design to scald him, prevented only by his quick catching the table. The Friends of the Ministry give out, that he carelessly jogged the Table himself, and would have been inevitably scalded had not the Ministress saved him. It is hard for the Public to come at the Truth in these Cases. At six o’clock this Afternoon News came by the Post, that her Majesty arrived safely at Rochester on Saturday Night. The Bells immediately rang for Candles, to illuminate the Parlor; the Court went into Cribbage, and the Evening concluded with every other Demonstration of Joy.

It is reported that all the principal Officers of the State, have received an Invitation from the Duchess Dowager of Rochester to go down thither on Saturday next. But it is not yet known whether the great Affairs they have on their hands will permit them to make this excursion.

We hear that from the Time of her Majesty’s leaving Craven Street House to this Day, no care is taken to file the Newspapers; but they lie about in every room, in every window, and on every chair, just where the Doctor lays them when he has read them. It is impossible Government can long go on in such Hands.

Sir,

I make no doubt of the truth of what the papers tell us, that a certain great
person
has been half-starved on the bare blade-bone,
of a sheep
(I cannot call it
of Mutton
because none was on it) by a Set of the most careless, thoughtless, inconsiderate, corrupt, ignorant, blundering, foolish, crafty, and Knavish Ministers, that ever got into a House and pretended to govern a Family and provide a Dinner. Alas, for the poor Old England of Craven Street! If these nefarious Wretches continue in power another week, the nation will be ruined! Undone!—totally undone, if the Queen does not return; or (which is better) turn them all out and appoint me and my Friends to succeed them. I am a great Admirer of your useful and impartial Paper; and therefore request you will insert this without fail; from Your humble Servant,

Indignation

Sir,

Your Correspondent
Indignation
has made a fine Story in your Paper against our excellent Cravenstreet Ministry, as if they meant to starve his Highness, giving him only a bare Blade Bone for his Dinner, while they riot upon roast Venison, &c. The Wickedness of Writers in this Age is truly amazing! I believe we never had since the Foundation of our State, a more faithful, upright, worthy, careful, considerate, incorrupt, discreet, wise, prudent and beneficent Ministry than the present. But if even the Angel Gabriel would condescend to be our Minister and provide our Dinners, he could scarcely escape Newspaper Defamation from a Gang of hungry ever-restless, discontented and malicious Scribblers. It is, Sir, a piece of Justice you owe our righteous Administration to undeceive the Public on this Occasion, by assuring them of the Fact, which is, that there was provided; and actually smoking on the Table under his Royal Nose at the same Instant, as fine a Piece of Ribs of Beef, roasted, as ever Knife was put into; with Potatoes, Horse radish, pickled Walnuts, &c. which Beef his Highness might have eaten of, if so he had pleased to do; and which he forbore to do, merely from a whimsical Opinion (with Respect be it spoken) that Beef doth not with him perspire well, but makes his Back itch, to his no small Vexation, now that he hath lost the little Chinese Ivory Hand at the End of a Stick, commonly called a
Scratchback,
presented to him by her Majesty. This is the Truth; and if your boasted Impartiality is real, you will not hesitate a Moment to insert this Letter in your very next Paper. I am, though a little angry with you at present. Yours as you behave,