A Broken Kind of Life (31 page)

Avoiding Spencer’s eyes, Aaron shuffled to the bed and sat down on the side. It took a few minutes before he would lie down next to Spencer.

“If. You. Want. To. Sleep. Down. Stairs. You. Can. It. Will. Not. Hurt. My. Feelings,” Spencer told him, trying to make his voice as gentle as possible. It felt like his voice came out kind of soft, but of course, he couldn’t tell. Aaron turned his head so Spencer could see his face.

“Just give me a minute, please.”

Spencer watched as Aaron closed his eyes and did a few deep breathing exercises that Spencer recognized from the sessions with his father. Slowly, almost reluctantly it seemed, Aaron’s body relaxed. The tension in his shoulders and in his face loosened, and his hands unclenched at his sides.

“Okay, let’s try this,” Aaron said after a minute and opened his arms. Spencer moved slowly to the middle of the bed, the blankets rubbing against his bare back, and rested his head on Aaron’s chest. Closing his eyes, he relaxed to the feel of Aaron’s heart beating against his cheek. He couldn’t hear it, but the steady pulse felt comfortable and safe. God, he’d never done that before, just lain with someone in bed and felt strong arms around him.

A blinding need raced through Spencer with Aaron finally
finally
beneath him. Pushing himself up onto one elbow, his mouth captured Aaron’s before he could stop himself. The sweet feel of Aaron’s lips, soft and pliant under his, made him hard. When Aaron opened up to him and their tongues brushed against each other, they lingered just long enough to make Spencer crazy, but he needed to be gentle with Aaron.

Aaron pulled away slowly, but Spencer moved forward instead, keeping no space between them as their kisses turned deeper. His fingers brushed through Aaron’s short hair, and he felt a hand at the base of his spine, holding him gently. Overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment, Spencer couldn’t articulate, even to himself, how deep Aaron’s kisses touched him. It was as if someone had opened him up and shone a light into his soul. They took his breath away.

Spencer moved over Aaron, and they touched everywhere: chests, stomachs, legs, and everywhere in between. He could feel his erection pressing against Aaron’s lower stomach, and groaned with the effort to master himself. The last thing on earth he wanted was to scare Aaron.

They kissed harder, and Spencer tried desperately to show Aaron how much he was needed, and wanted, and… loved.

A
ARON
’
S
heart raced in his chest, and he tried to breathe as Spencer’s weight pinned him to the bed.
I can’t do this, I can’t… I can’t….
The memory formed in his mind of another body on top of him, pinning him to the garage floor. Only that body tore him in two, and he couldn’t get away from it. Spencer kept kissing him, heedless of the fact that he was trying to push him off. Spencer’s eyes were closed, and he couldn’t see Aaron’s face. Tiny, frightened whimpers broke from his throat that Spencer couldn’t hear. He tore away from the kiss, shaking his head, trying desperately to stop the flashback from taking over his mind.

“Aaron?” Spencer asked. Regret and disappointment filled his face.

Aaron couldn’t breathe. Silent sobs filled his chest, almost strangling him with their intensity. His throat burned, and he pushed Spencer hard, but with the spell broken, Spencer moved instantly.

“Aaron. I. Am. Sorry. Are. You. Okay?” Spencer touched his arm, and the rest of Aaron’s body caught up with his heaving chest. Tears spilled down his face, and everything started to shake. Sitting up quickly, Spencer propped himself against the headboard and took Aaron into his arms. He made quiet shushing sounds and rubbed Aaron’s head like a parent might comfort a child. Aaron wrapped his arms around Spencer’s waist and nuzzled his face against Spencer’s bare chest. It felt nice. That part felt so nice. He selfishly took Spencer’s comfort, knowing that he could offer nothing in return.

“We. Do. Not. Have. To. Do. That. I. Just…. I. Did. Not. Think.” Spencer squeezed him tightly for just a second, and in that embrace, Aaron felt his love and his remorse. It gave him the strength to sit up and look Spencer in the face.

“It’s not your fault,” Aaron told him and began to relax as the memory faded.

“Do. You. Know. What. Triggered. It? We. Have. Kissed. Before.”

Spencer continued to rub his back, and it comforted him as he thought about the question. They had kissed before. He didn’t think it had to do with the fact that they were in bed, because he knew Spencer didn’t expect sex. It wasn’t Spencer’s naked skin—he liked the way that felt against his face. It could have been the intensity, or their position. Yes, that was a definite possibility. He didn’t like being trapped on the bottom. Of course, he’d also had that problem masturbating in the shower, so maybe it was sex in general.

Only one way to find out.

Aaron wiped his face on his borrowed sleeve and gulped down air as he tried to stop the shaking and the fear. His eyes held Spencer’s, and he leaned forward very slowly.

Spencer pushed backward against the headboard and tried to get out of his reach. “What. Are. You. Doing?” he asked.

Aaron’s chest tightened at his hesitation. Spencer wanted to protect him, just like his mother wanted to protect him, but if he ever wanted to get any better, he needed to work through the pain, not hide from it.

“I think you being on top of me triggered it. Either that, or the intensity of the kissing. I want to test that theory,” Aaron told him, surprised by how calm he sounded. His heart pounded in his ears. He had no clue if it was a good idea or not, but he knew he wanted to try again. Dealing with the flashbacks had become easier over the last few months since he’d been seeing Dr. Thomas. He would risk them if it meant having a few minutes of “normal” with Spencer.

“Okay.” Spencer stopped trying to climb the headboard and held perfectly still as Aaron came forward and let their lips touch again. The fear and panic rose in him again, but not as strongly. He kissed Spencer deeper, losing himself in the feel of Spencer’s mouth against his. Spencer hesitated at first but then wrapped his arms very loosely around Aaron, and Aaron could have wept at his gentleness. Lying half on Spencer, Aaron’s groin pressed against Spencer’s unyielding body. Very, very slowly, he rubbed against Spencer, and he felt dizzy with arousal. He couldn’t tell if his heart raced from excitement or fear, but they needed to stop before things got out of hand again.

He broke the kiss reluctantly and buried his grin in his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“D
O
YOU
want to talk about last night?” Dr. Thomas asked as he placed a plate of scrambled eggs on the table. Aaron put the toast he’d just made next to it while Spencer set the table.
Did he?
He had already sent a text to his mother to let her know he’d made it through the night. She responded with a very curt
Okay
. God, she was probably furious with him, but the anger he’d felt the night before dissipated with the dawn.

“I thought you couldn’t treat me anymore?” Aaron went over to the refrigerator and checked the door for jelly, happy when he found both strawberry and grape. Positioning them near the toast with a small feeling of triumph at actually having helped, he turned to look at Dr. Thomas, who was making sure everything on the stove had been turned off before taking his place at the table. God, the whole kitchen smelled like bacon, which made his stomach rumble.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t listen,” he said, picked up his fork, and looked at Aaron expectantly. Aaron glanced at Spencer, who gave him a gentle, reassuring smile, so he tried to organize the jumbled mess from last night in his head. The legal thing with his parents made him angry, but he had to take a really hard look to figure out why. They’d been doing everything for him for two years, but something changed over the last few months. He wasn’t with his mother as much as he had been in the beginning. He could go to Spencer’s. He could go to lunch with him. He didn’t feel that panicky feeling every minute of every day like he used to. It wasn’t all due to Spencer, but Aaron liked being with him. He helped Aaron relax.

He made Aaron feel normal.

“I’m mad at my parents for what they did. I know they are trying do what they think is best for me, but they sat and listened to me that night and completely disregarded my decision to keep seeing you.” Aaron picked up a piece of toast and spread grape jelly over it in a thick layer. No butter. Just jelly. It had been like that for as long as he could remember. Maybe there were some things about him that hadn’t changed. Fundamentally, on some level, he was still Aaron—even if he didn’t feel like it sometimes.

“I can see where that would make you feel invalidated. Have you talked to your mother since the phone call last night?”

“I sent her a text this morning to let her know I was okay. Last night was the first night I’ve stayed away from my house since I was in the hospital.” The eggs were amazing. Light and fluffy with just the right amount of cheese, they melted in his mouth as Aaron ate. He noticed that he always ate better at Spencer’s house. Either because they made all his favorite things, or just because he felt more comfortable, he wasn’t sure. Expectations were lower there, and the atmosphere more relaxed. That knot in his stomach about the institution seemed to loosen when he hung out with Spencer and even with his father.

“And how did that go?” Dr. Thomas asked, and while he voice remained casual, his eyes flickered to Spencer, who watched the conversation with interest.

“We didn’t have sex, if that’s what you’re asking,” Aaron said as his face heated. He took a serious interest in his eggs, and couldn’t even glance at Spencer, who sat next to him without comment.

“That wasn’t what I was asking. What you and Spencer do in bed is none of my or anyone else’s business. I just wanted to know if you had any nightmares because of the sexual connotation of sleeping together or even from sleeping in a strange place.”

He didn’t look upset, which relaxed Aaron a bit, and he snagged another piece of bacon from the platter next to the eggs.

“I had a bit of a problem at first, while—” Aaron glanced at Spencer, who nodded that it was okay to tell his father they’d been kissing. “—while we were kissing. But we talked about it, and I took a hard look at what could have caused it. I think it was because… well… because Spencer was…. Do we have to talk about this?”

“No, but I’m glad that you talked and worked through the trigger. That’s very good, Aaron.”

The conversation turned toward school, which had ended the week before. Spencer had managed to get through his final exams without exploding. Aaron had gotten out of bed and made it to the college to take his. He’d e-mailed his advisor and agreed to take Freshman Composition along with the second programming course in the sequence, since Spencer said they never had to read anything aloud. He made sure to schedule his programming course at the same time as Spencer’s. Dr. Thomas said he thought Aaron taking two courses the following semester was manageable. The discussion smacked of normalcy in a way Aaron rarely felt.

“Are. You. Going. To. Go. Home. Today?” Spencer asked just before shoveling the last of the eggs from his plate into his mouth. Dr. Thomas looked up from his coffee and waited for Aaron’s answer.

Taking a long drink of his orange juice, Aaron contemplated the answer. Being with Spencer comforted him, but he needed to talk things over with his parents. If nothing else, he wanted to clear the air about the injunction against Dr. Thomas.

“Yeah, I need to talk to them.” Aaron shrugged and polished off the bacon from his plate. His stomach actually hurt, he’d eaten so much. In the last two years, he couldn’t remember a time when he’d eaten until it was actually painful. His first thought was to call his mother. She’d love that. “I love my parents. I just need to make them see that your dad is helping me.”

T
HE
empty living room loomed in front of him as Aaron opened the front door. He dropped the grocery bag with his dirty clothes on the floor near the stairs. Closing his eyes for just a second, he gathered himself as he slipped off his shoes. There was no sound except a faint music, probably coming from the basement where his brothers slept. The scent of blueberry drifted in from the kitchen, so he decided to apologize to his mother and maybe start a conversation.

She sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and stared at an untouched muffin on the table in front of her. The circles under her eyes and the sadness in her face made his heart hurt. He’d put her through so much in the last two years. Why couldn’t she see he was trying to make it better by seeing Dr. Thomas? He didn’t want to be such a burden on his family, on her. Though he’d eaten breakfast with Spencer and his father just a couple hours before, he grabbed a muffin from the counter as he walked into the room. His mother finally looked up as he sat down across from her at the table.

After several long minutes of being squared off, she broke the silence.

“Are you okay?”

Of course, it was always his well-being first. No matter what else happened between them, she always put his feelings above her own. He needed to get through to her that she didn’t need to do that anymore; he just wasn’t sure how.

“Yes. I was a little unsettled at first, but after that, I was fine.” Aaron broke off a piece of the warm muffin, which smelled like heaven, and popped it in his mouth. The sweet tang of blueberry melted against his tongue, and he was startled by the sound of her chair scraping against the tile as she stood.

“Please don’t go,” Aaron pleaded. His mother looked down at him with wide eyes, obviously surprised by his request. “We need to talk about this, just you and me.” His father would go along with whatever his mother decided, so he needed to convince her.

“I know that it may not seem like it right now, but your father and I want what’s best for you. A therapist who can’t take care of himself or his patients isn’t a good choice for you. I know that you care about Spencer….” She stopped when Aaron shook his head.