A Christmas Arrangement (12 page)

“Oh, do you mean that guy on the news?” K.C. asked.  She sucked in her breath, “Do you think that’s whose been leaving those gifts on Quincy’s porch?”

“He’s talking about us,
Santa
.”  I knew this had been a stupid idea and now the neighbors were watching me being questioned by the police.  “Did you call Alex, Chad?”  I gave him the glare of guilt.

“No,” he said defensively, “I swear.  I just came to check out a report of prowlers.”

“Well I’m not prowling, that’s my house.”  I turned and gestured toward my house, which made my giant plastic elf ears bounce.  My other hand seemed to land on my hip automatically.  Something felt funny with my elf shirt.

“Hey Fullerton,” Alex said as he approached.  Much to my horror Alex’s parents got out of the car and followed him to where we were standing.  “What’s going on…Quincy what the hell?” 

Alex’s stunned gaze fell to my chest.  I looked down and realized I was truly going to die of mortification.  My elf jacket splayed completely open from the collar all the way down to the belt.  It must have caught on the shrubs as I turned to see Chad and pulled the Velcro fastener open.

“Oh, Boss, that’s just sad.”  K.C. reached over and lifted a tissue that had gone rogue and found its way to the top of the fur collar I was desperately clasping shut.  I swatted her hand away with my free hand.  “She’s been under a lot of stress lately,” she said sympathetically and patted Chad’s arm.  Then she elbowed him in the ribs.  “A lot higher quality undies than the first time you saw her like this, though.  Am I right?”

She had a point.  After the last time, I’d purchased all new under things, even though I never imagined it would happen again.  With anyone.  And especially not with the policeman who saw me half-naked the first time.

“There was a first time for…this?”  Alex’s mother said in disgust.

“I’m…gonna…leave you to it…then, Cooper,” he said.  He maneuvered out of our little circle and practically ran his escape to his squad car.

“Well, isn’t this a fun reunion?” K.C. said.

“So.  Funny story…” I paused as my trembling hands threatened to slip off my faux fur collar.  “It’s Velcro.  I mean…hh…who would make a shirt…with Velcro down the front?  Right?”  I hiccupped a little laugh.

“There’s always a story isn’t there?”  Eleanor said.

Her words were as icy as the December wind that had recently passed over my bare stomach. 

I looked at her for just a moment and made the mistake of blinking.  That’s what opened the faucet of tears, made cold by the breeze as they carved little stream beds through the layers of makeup on my face.

“How’s about we all go inside?” I heard K.C. say.  “Wind’s picking up out here.”  She led the Cooper’s down the sidewalk.  Alex tugged my arm, holding me back from the group.

“I’m sorry,” I said.  “You must be so embarrassed.”

“I am.” 

My bottom lip began to quiver, I couldn’t make it stop. 

“My mom has turned into this…I don’t even know how to describe her.  She’s the one who should be apologizing.”  He pulled me into his side and we walked together. 

“How could you not be embarrassed by me?  I am,” I said.

“You’re you.  I’m learning.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means, if it wasn’t you, and I came to show my parents my girlfriend’s house and found her nearby, being questioned by a former colleague, with her top hanging open, made up like a…” he paused, searching for the right words, “…a lady-elf of the evening, I might have cause for concern.”  He looked down at me and I couldn’t help but smile.  “But with you, it’s all part of a regular day.”  He squeezed me tighter.  “I’d be worried if weird stuff didn’t happen.”

“Gee thanks,” I said, resigning myself to the fact that he was right.  I heaved a huge sigh.  “There really is an explanation for all of this.  I’m anxious to give it, but not with your parents around.”

“Well, that’s going to be difficult—but just for a few more days.”

The others had gone inside.  K.C. knew where I had a key hidden.  As we reached the front porch I noticed there was nothing from Secret Santa to collect. 

“Oh, good,” I said.

“Wow, you hate my mom that much, huh?”

“No, Alex!” I looked inside to make sure she wasn’t standing next to the door.  “I don’t hate your mom,” I said quietly.  “I’m sorry I’ve made you think that.  I’m just relieved because there’s nothing on the porch.”

“I’m not following,” he said.

“K.C. and I were hiding in the neighbors’ bushes to see if my Secret Santa was going to strike again.  And here you are, right on time.  Look, I appreciate all the gifts you’ve been leaving.  You really got me.  For a while I thought it wasn’t you.  But you’re good that way.” 

He cocked an eyebrow.  “What are you talking about?”

“See?  You’re doing it again.  You are so good, but really, with your parents here and all, I don’t know how you’re finding the time.  So, gotcha.  You don’t have to bring me anything else, sweetie.  Okay?”

“Quincy, I have no idea what you’re talking about.  I am good though.  At a lot of things.  One of them might involve that costume you’re wearing once they’re gone.”  He nodded toward the house, “But lose the tissues okay?”

I rolled my eyes.  “I’ll tell you about those later, but really about the Secret Santa stuff…”

“It’s not me.”

“Well who’s been leaving me candy and perfume and jewelry?”

His eyes widened and he did the one eyebrow lift again.   “Someone’s leaving you presents like that?  Whoever it is, I’ll kill him.”

The wind gusted and I turned in toward the house to avoid the cold blast.  “Let’s go in, I’m freezing.”  
And I’m a half-dressed green beanstalk.

We moved into the foyer.  Alex took a coat off the nearby coatrack.  “Here, put this on, you’re turning blue.  It’s your husband isn’t it?”

“I called.  It’s not him.  Besides, no one showed up today, so it’s done.”

“That doesn’t make it okay, Quincy.  What if it’s some weirdo?  Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“Well, actually I did ask you about the chocolates the first time.  You didn’t seem too concerned when you were gobbling them up.”

“Those were…you didn’t ask me about anything.  I can’t believe those were psycho-chocolates.”  I gave him a wilting look.

“I asked if they were from my Secret Santa and you replied coyly, so I figured it was you trying to keep your cover.”

“I’ve never been coy—what does that even mean?  This isn’t something to laugh about, Quincy.  You should have told me.”

His voice was angry now.

“I was trying to make your life easier, with all the extra stuff you’ve got going on,” I told him.

At that, Eleanor Cooper appeared.  She placed her hand on her son’s forearm, looking up at him, her face laden with motherly concern.  She turned her dramatic expression to me, where it morphed into motherly anger. 

“Quincy, I’ve got some questions that need answering.  I can’t stand by any longer while you lie to my son.  Obviously something truly disturbing is going on.  You’re still married, I catch you…carrying on with a man at the
department store
of all places, thinking I’m some idiot that can’t see what’s happening.  And now look at you, made up like a ten dollar…hooker—”

“Mom!” “Eleanor!” Alex and Jack shouted simultaneously.

“Who’s ready for hot chocolate?” K.C. came from the kitchen, her beard pulled down below her chin and her reading glasses propped on her Santa cap.  She carried a tray full of mugs upon which a sparkly Victoria’s Secret gift bag teetered precariously on the edge. “And look what you’re hubba-hubba Secret Santa brought this time.”  She bounced her white-flocked eyebrows, clicked her tongue then winked.  “You had me fooled big fella.  I didn’t think it was you, but obviously you’d be the only one to give the boss something like this.  Hope you don’t mind, I took a little peek.  Someone’s going to have some fun in that.  I just don’t know how you managed to sneak it onto the porch—”

We all watched—at least one of us in excruciating terror—as K.C. took another step and the shopping bag fell, the contents spilling out in silky, lace-trimmed, horror.

“Oh, son,” Eleanor said, the disappointment in her voice practically palpable.  “This is completely inappropriate.  Just look at how she’s influenced you.”  Her last words were wrenched out through mighty sobs as she wept over her corrupted son.

I stared, open mouthed at Alex only to find my astonished expression mirrored back.

“We should go,” Jack said, mercifully.  “I’m sorry, ladies.”  He ushered his wife out and gave Alex a look that said, “Sorry, pal.  You’re on your own.”  They’d have to commiserate later in Mantown.

“Merry Christmas?” K.C. called after them.

“I don’t know what to say here,” Alex said quietly.

“Don’t.  Just go.  Get her away from here.”

“Quincy—”

I retreated to my bedroom and shut the door.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I woke up early the morning after I was accused of being a whore.  Actually, waking up would imply that I had slept.  I hadn’t.  Alex had called me after he got home with his parents.  He apologized for his mother’s behavior and I apologized for making it easy for her to jump to conclusions.  Then he apologized for what he was about to tell me—which is never going to be a pronouncement of something good—is it? 

He hadn’t had a chance to tell me—what with all the lingerie and bare chested girlfriend trauma—that he would have to work all the next day.  And the day after that too, which happened to be the same day as the city celebration and open house.  He’d taken so much time off to be with his parents that he needed to make up for it on the job.   

I shouldn’t have begrudged him that.  Work was work.  But this was a big day and I’d been so looking forward to spending it with him while we worked.  I shouldn’t have begrudged his parents—especially his mother—either.  But she’d made it so hard not to. 

“I’m sorry, Q,” he said.  “If I could just leave it for later, I would.  But I’ve already been doing that and now everything’s piling up.”

I visualized the pile of people I’d lined up to help me for this open house who’d had to drop out.  It was a big pile.

“Are you there?” he asked.

“I’m here.  Don’t worry, it’s fine.  If you gotta work, you gotta work.  I get it.”

“What does fine mean?” 

“Fine means fine,” I said.

“Uh, oh.  When my mom says fine I know that means the opposite.”

I felt my nostrils flare.  “Well, I’m not your mother.  How about we not let her dominate another conversation?”

“Okay. 
Fine
.”  There was a long pause.  “Who’s leaving lingerie on your doorstep?”

“It says Secret Santa on the tags.  It’s a secret.”

“This isn’t funny, Quincy.  It’s your demented ex-husband.  I’m gonna go down there and find him—”

“It’s not him.”

“How do you know?  Just because you called him and he said it wasn’t doesn’t mean you can trust him.  You’re too gullible.”

“Wow.”  Good thing I maybe-probably loved this guy or I wouldn’t still be talking to him. 

I heard a heavy sigh.  “I’m sorry.  That came out wrong.  I’m just worried about you,” he said.

“I know you are.  And I appreciate it.  But please try not to worry.  Randall wouldn’t know where to find a Victoria’s Secret if his life depended upon it.  And even if he did, he would pass out once he saw the price tags.  It wasn’t him.  I’m guessing it’s a total mistake.  Someone’s probably got the wrong house.  I don’t have time to worry about Secret Santa anymore anyway.  The open house is in two days.”

“So you want me pretend nothing’s wrong,” he said.

“Nothing
is
wrong.  You don’t have to pretend anything—unless it involves me and you at your place and the thing that fell out of that Victoria’s Secret bag.”

I heard a little laugh.  “You’re not playing fair.  What if something happens?  I won’t be there.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll call the police.  Maybe Chad will respond to the call and he can see me with clothes on.”

“Not funny,” he said, his voice flat.

“I bet having the police at my house the last time Santa left a gift was enough to scare him away.  He doesn’t know the real reason they came.  If another gift shows up I’ll call you, okay?”

“Fine.  But you’ll be careful?”

“Of course.”  Careful was my middle name. 

“Things sure haven’t gone the way I’d planned,” he said.  “I wanted them to come and meet you and then—”

“You don’t have to say anything else.  Alex, I want to get along with your parents—especially your mom.  How about after the open house, the four of us get together before they leave and work everything out?”

“That sounds like a great idea.”

“Goodnight Officer Cooper.”

“Goodnight Miss McKay.”

I’d spent most of the night rehashing all of the terrible moments between me and Eleanor and imagining how I could have handled them differently.  Then I thought about how I could possibly win her over before she left town.  Then I worried about what would happen if I couldn’t, and what life would be like with Alex if she wouldn’t accept me.  After that I wondered where his nickname came from and what it meant—it was a nice break from all the real worries.  And then, I worried that Leaky might just get sick of being in the middle of me and his mom.  I didn’t want to think about what choice he would make.

And then it was time to get ready for work.  I remembered my winter coat before I left the house this time.  Good thing I did, because it was downright cold.  I exited through the front door, just in case the Secret Santa decided to do an encore.  Nothing there but some fresh chocolate chip cookies!  What a perfect breakfast.  They took a little of the sting out of the memories from the day before. 

The cookies were from the big family down the street.  Each member of the family delivered their own present on a different day and they all used the same packaging.  One of these days, after the city celebration, I would make a huge batch of something to take to all of my neighbors.  Maybe I could enlist Alex and his cooking skills to help me, after his parents went home.  That is,
if
they decided to return home.  If Eleanor couldn’t detach the apron strings from around her Little Leaky’s jugular, I was in for some big problems and so was my romantic relationship.