A Christmas to Believe In (35 page)

"It doesn't feel right." He dropped his voice, murmuring, "I

want her to be proud of me."

"Oh, Clint... Can't you see she is? We all are. You picked a

field no one knows the first thing about. The fact you've

gotten this far amazed your father. Sometimes I'm so proud

of how hard you work, it makes me want to cry. Jesse sees

the same things. If it helps make it better, ask her to do it as

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a loan. Put what you'd pay back into your future together.

Retirement. Your kids' college."

A tiny spark of hope lit deep inside his soul. Could he?

Could he convince himself that he wasn't loafing off Jesse,

and this was a step toward a future together? Better yet,

could he let go enough, open up enough, to allow Jesse to get

that close? So close he couldn't hope to deny he needed her.

That he wouldn't be who he was without her. Could he let her

become part of him?

His mother rose to her feet, hobbled in a circle until she

gained her balance. All this time, he'd seen her as someone

who needed taking care of. When it all boiled down to the

bottom of the pan, she'd been the backbone of this family.

The provider. The glue that held them all together. She didn't

need
to be taken care of. She chose to accept help when she

wanted it. When life got a little too tough to navigate on her

own.

A soft smile pulled her wrinkled features tight, and for a

moment, Clint saw the young woman she'd been when his

father had met her. Vibrant. Unafraid. Full of heart. In so

many ways, Jesse mirrored her.

"Your father always predicted one of you boys would marry

Jesse Saurs." She fiddled with her wedding ring, turned it

around her finger. "Said when one of you did, he'd be

honored to call that girl his daughter. I don't think he thought

it would be you. Heath seemed to follow those predictions

most often."

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Clint let out a little snort. Heath couldn't handle Jesse.

Hadn't been able to when they were younger, and Ethan

would drive Heath up the wall, back down, and
through
it.

His mother grimaced as she pulled off her wedding set.

She grabbed his hand, put the sparkling diamond in his palm.

"I don't have any daughters to give my jewelry to. Give this

to Jesse tomorrow night. Bring her home for Christmas. Ethan

too."

His eyes misted over as emotion clogged his throat.
Marry

Jesse.
Some unknown hole deep inside filled up with the

thought. He closed his fingers around the ring and rose to

give his mother a fierce hug. "I need to use the phone, Mom.

Can I have a few minutes?"

"Of course, dear." Hobbling to the door, she stopped to

pick up his linens. Half out the door she called over her

shoulder, "By the way, Alex asked everyone to be here for

dinner tonight."

"Um." Clint furrowed his brow. "I'm taking Jesse and Ethan

out."

His mother shook her head. "Bring them here. Your

brother has a bee in his bonnet."

Rolling his eyes, Clint nodded as she disappeared. He could

still take Jesse and Ethan out. All the company might help

things with Ethan anyway.

He grabbed his cell phone off the desk. He hit speed dial

for Jim and watched the light play in the diamond as it rang.

"Hey."

"Hi, Jim." Clint eased down into his desk chair. "Go ahead

and take that job with Susan Silby. Why don't you have her

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write up the offer on the farm too. But could I get you to stay

on until the horses leave?"

A heavy pause drifted through the line. Jim cleared his

throat, then asked, "You sure, Clint?"

"Positive."

"I'll stay. No problem there."

"I have one other request, if you don't mind."

"Not at all."

"Could you get together some names for me—trainers

there, boarding facilities, a place where I might be able to foal

out Angel? I'm going to stay here in Missouri. But I'm going to

ship everything back for the season, so I'll need the name of

a good hauler too."

"So you aren't throwing in the towel?" A touch of relief

filtered through Jim's question.

"Not at all." Clint turned the wedding set beneath the light

of his lamp. "I'm starting over." Starting his whole damn life

over. Strangely, the idea didn't seem nearly as terrifying as

he'd thought.

"Okay. I'll get back to you in a day or two about a hauler,

and I'll see what Susan comes up with."

"Thanks, Jim." Clint disconnected and dropped the phone

on the desk. He closed his mother's ring in his hand and drew

in a deep breath. Marry Jesse.

Yes
.

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Jesse hauled herself to her knees. Her body felt like she'd

been hit by a steamroller; her eyes were so scratchy she

could hardly see. But the tears had stopped. And with their

cessation, the answers came. There was only one way she

could repair her breaking family.

Dragging herself to her feet, she eyed the stairwell. Ethan

would believe. She willed him to.

Each step to the second floor felt as if cinder blocks

weighed down her legs. She used the banister for support,

kept her gaze fastened on Ethan's tightly shut door. It

seemed miles passed before she reached the heavy barricade

and took insurmountable strength to lift her hand and knock.

"Go away," he growled from within.

"Ethan, I need you to believe me. Jonathan called me

about forty minutes before court. The judge had the flu and

moved all his hearings. I don't know what Cindy told you. But

we go to court on the eighth. I didn't cancel anything. I

wouldn't, Ethan. I love you."

Silence, followed by the bump of something heavy inside

answered.

She flattened her palm against the door, curled her fingers

against the wood. Everything inside her demanded she open

the door, grab him tight and hold on until he accepted the

truth. But the boy behind this closed door had barricaded

himself behind several dozen more. She could break this one

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in, and it would only put a chink in Ethan's thick emotional

defenses.

"I should have told you, Ethan. I didn't, because I didn't

want to ruin your Christmas. I'm sorry. I make mistakes. I

just wanted this year to be special. I thought you'd forgotten

about court."

"It's too late, Jesse. Go away. I called my caseworker. I'm

leaving."

She bowed her head, touched it to the door. In a hundred

years, she would have never imagined they could backtrack

this far so fast. "I wish you wouldn't. I want you to stay. Like

we talked about. I want to be your mom, Ethan. More than

anything in this world."

"No, not more than anything. You want Clint."

She squeezed her eyes shut at his misconstrued truth. She

did want Clint. But Ethan would never understand he came

first. He was her child. She might not have brought him into

this world, but she'd die for him all the same. She didn't know

how to function without him.

You win, Ethan. You win.

Taking a deep breath, she lifted her head. "I'm going to

run to the store before dinner. Please think about what I've

said." As the first lie she'd ever told Ethan slipped free, she

turned away.

Her house passed in a blur as she made her way down the

stairs for her coat. Keys in hand, she ventured into the cold,

crossed the drive to her car. Her throat tightened with

another wave of uncontrolled emotion, and she had to bite

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down on her lower lip until she tasted the coppery tang of

blood to stop her tears.

Damn, she'd thought she'd spent every last one of them.

When the shaking in her body stopped, she turned the

key, rolled down the driveway. How she longed to feel Clint's

arms around her. He'd know what to say, would know exactly

how to make this gnawing ache in her chest go away. But

when she finished explaining to him, she'd never again feel

those strong arms, or melt beneath his tender kiss.

He'd love her. She'd go on loving him. But their paths

crossed at different points. The future didn't lie within their

grasp. She'd known she would have to choose. Had done

everything she could to prevent facing that impossible

decision. Now it loomed before her, and though her heart

broke at the idea of leaving Clint... There was only one

option.

Clint lounged in a kitchen chair with his mother and Keeley

framing him in, half listening to their guesstimations about

what had happened with Alex's engagement. In thirty

minutes, he'd pick up Jesse and Ethan. But before they left

the house, he intended to have a heart to heart with the teen.

Explain once and for all, that he wasn't just interested in

Jesse. He wanted Ethan too. Wanted to give that young man

all the things he hadn't had. Summers playing ball. Family

vacations. A horse to ride on cool fall days. He was ready to

be a father. Ready to step up, offer what he could, and hope

somewhere Ethan would learn something he could use a

lifetime.

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In his pocket, he fiddled with the ring. In his mind, he

walked through the proposal he'd prepared in his second

shower of the day. He'd ask Ethan for a few moments alone

with Jesse. Take her out to the barn. Tell her his plans to sell

his stables. Ask if he could buy the old barn. Renovate it. He'd

inform her he was willing to allow her to invest in a horse, if

she would accept a partnership. Half interest in the livestock.

Half interest in the earnings. Half interest in his heart.

When her eyes took on the brightness of understanding,

he intended to do it the right way—on bended knee. He'd kiss

her there in the barn as he had that night when she

confessed she wanted him. Against the same wall where

everything began to click together as fate intended.

"Yoo-hoo, Clint. Are you in there?" Keeley teased.

"Um." He sat forward, slipped the ring onto the tip of his

index finger. "Just sifting through some cobwebs."

Keeley smiled over the brim of her mug of tea. "Must be

pretty thick in there."

Clint's eyes met his mother's. Silent understanding passed

between them. Deep in his pocket, he held the ring a little

tighter. "You could say that."

Damn, did all men get this antsy over a proposal? Jesse

loved him. She wanted this. She'd say yes, and his gut should

not feel like cooked spaghetti. He'd come home tonight an

engaged man. A man planning a future with the only woman

who could possibly tolerate forever with his sorry butt.

Holy hell, Heath would kick over dead when he found out.

"Where the heck is Heath, Mom?"

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"He'll be here tonight. I think he's helping Nicolette with

some repairs on a duplex."

Clint held in a snort. Right. Just like he was helping Jesse

restore that old barn of hers. Though he seriously doubted

Nicolette shared Heath's long-time interest. If she had, she

would have snatched up Heath years ago, not Rudy. Heath

probably
was
helping with repairs. And the poor bastard

would come back licking his wounds again. One of these days,

Heath would learn.

He glanced at the clock. Fifteen minutes. Unable to sit still,

he bounced his knee.

"So, back to my question, Clint. Do you think Alex will try

to work things out with Zoe?" Keeley asked with the hint of a

smile.

Clint blinked. How the hell was he supposed to know? He'd

been so wrapped up in his own mess, he'd hardly had time to

talk to Alex. Frankly, he just didn't want to know what new

mess Alex might create.

The jingling of a bell as the front door open saved him

from commenting. Maybe Alex could answer for himself.

He looked over his shoulder as light footsteps tapped

behind him. Jesse poked her head inside, gave his mother

and Keeley a brief nod. Her gaze settled on Clint, and when

she didn't smile, the churning in his gut transformed into a

full out riot. Puffy, red-rimmed eyes, set off alarm bells in his

head. Big, screaming, angry alarm bells that made him break

out in a cold sweat. Her ashen expression looked like she'd

seen some horrific ghost, or that she suffered some sort of

long-time illness. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

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"Can I talk to you?"

He swallowed a ball of hard, cold fear and left his chair to