A Christmas Wish (3 page)

Chapter Four

Ryan watched the last few minutes of the movie he’d picked. The movie was the kind that was perfect for all the family to enjoy. Megan had her arm around his stomach, and Billy was curled against Jemma. He smiled as he watched Jemma trying to move and not wake up Sean and Billy. Within moments Billy muttered something and snuggled against the pillow she had been sitting against.

He enjoyed the view of her tempting ass as she made her way out of the room with Sean, carrying him upstairs. Once she was back with Ryan, he helped to take the kids upstairs to bed.

“Could you take Billy? He’s getting a little too heavy for me,” she asked.

Jemma really hated this. She hated asking him for help, but she also hated the feelings that were building for him. Wasn’t she ruining her late husband’s memory by falling for his best friend? She was torn. All she wanted to do was run to Ryan, hold him, and never let go, but she couldn’t do it. Something was holding her back. Guilt, fear? She didn’t know. Ryan waited for her to take Megan and then scooped up Billy following close behind her. Megan slept in her own room.

The noise from opening the door and moving around the chaos of his room woke Billy up.

“What’s going on?” he asked, sleepily.

“It’s time for bed,” Ryan said. He kept moving toward the bed.

“I love you, Uncle Ryan.” Billy muttered the words, and snuggled down.

His heart soared, and Ryan kissed the top of the boy’s head. “I love you, too.”

Pulling back the covers, Ryan settled him down. Billy opened his eyes and smiled at Ryan. “I like you being here.”

Ryan smiled brushing the hair off Billy’s face.

“I enjoy being here, buddy.” Leaning down he kissed his head again, and made to leave. A small hand pulled on his. Ryan looked down at Billy.

“Would you be my new daddy?” Billy asked. Ryan sat on the bed next to the boy.

“You have a daddy, Billy.” Ryan stroked his hair.

“I know, but Daddy’s not coming back.” Ryan’s heart broke. “I want you to be my new daddy.”

Ryan picked Billy up and cradled the small boy. He loved him as if he was his own flesh and blood.

“I would love to be your daddy.”

Putting Billy back to bed and making sure he was fast asleep, Ryan made his way down to the kitchen. Jemma sat at the table waiting for him, tears falling from her eyes.

“You heard then?” Ryan went to the fridge grabbing himself a beer.

“I’ve been so blind to so many things. It’s unreal.” Wiping the tears from under her eyes she got out of her chair and went to the stove. Taking a saucepan, she began making herself another round of hot chocolate. Dumping the milk in the pan she went in search of her best quality chocolate.

“You’re not blind at all.” Ryan stood next to her as she melted the chocolate and sugar into the warm milk.

“I thought I could be everything, a judge, a juror, an executioner, Mummy, Daddy. You name it, I thought I could do it.” She stirred the hot liquid, the movement jerky, spilling some of the contents over the stove.

Ryan took her into his arms and wrapped her up in his warmth. “Simon wouldn’t want you to do this alone. He loved you and expected to be with you for life.” Ryan held her as he spoke. “I know this. Simon loved you so much, and when you had Billy and Megan he was the happiest married man alive.” He kissed her head.

Her arms circled his neck as he held her. Her lips pressed against his neck where he was sensitive. Her tongue licked over his pulse, and Ryan’s body surged forward trapping her between the stove and his body. His dick thickened as he pressed against her.

Ryan held her against him, feeling every curve of her body pressed against his.

“Touch me, Ryan,” she said. Her words finally registered through the fog of arousal. For years Ryan had fantasized and wished with all of his heart for Jemma to one day say those meaningful words. He’d wanted to be the man she turned to, and his dreams were finally coming true. Running his hands up her back, he moved under her large shirt to feel the smooth flesh of her back. The heat radiated out of her. Ryan couldn’t help but notice how small she was within his arms. She was so fragile and vulnerable even though she was one hell of a curvy woman.

“I can’t,” Ryan said as his hands went to cup her face looking into her tearstained eyes. It broke his heart to refuse her. Ryan stepped back after giving her one final kiss.

“Why not?” she asked, crying out.

Ryan took a step back, trying to compose himself. Jemma was hurting, and he saw she didn’t understand what was going on. He didn’t want a one night stand or to stand in for Simon. He wanted to be the person she loved. The man she craved. He wasn’t going to be a stand-in. Ryan intended to become the man for her to love.

“I can’t be him, Jemma,” he said. He stared out over the snow covered ground. Who would have thought one of the best days of his life would end like this?

He heard her move closer to him. He tensed waiting for the touch of her hand on his shoulder. So many times he’d stood at this door, even when Simon was alive, and she’d comforted him.

Ryan longed to feel her touch, only this time it didn’t come. Ryan turned around and saw her standing close with her hand raised but not actually touching him.

What did it mean?

She stared at her hand then at him.

Ryan could see the indecision. If she were to reach out and touch him, he would still be her friend and that was all they would remain, but if she stayed and placed her hand at her side, they could begin something more. He knew her indecision. Ryan had experienced many moments where he could have taken their relationship from friends to lovers. He didn’t know how long he stood there and waited, but finally she lowered her hand to her side. Her gaze returned to his as she did.

Ryan moved toward her but stopped as she took a step back, her palm outstretched to stop him from getting any closer.

He stopped instantly.

“I—I don’t want you to be Simon. I’ve never wanted you to be him. The children will know and I hope love their father. I understand their need for more. Us? I don’t know. I feel something for you, Ryan, but I don’t understand it. I’m scared, and I’m nervous. I’ve never felt this way before, and I don’t want to hold you down with kids that are not yours!”

“I don’t care about that, Jemma. I love you, and I love those kids.”

He watched as Jemma licked her lips looking everywhere but at him. His heart broke as he waited to see what else she wanted to say.

“If you want to move in, you can. I don’t want to force you. You spend more time here than anywhere else, and Billy and Megan want you here.”

“Do you want me here?” he asked, dreading the answer yet needing to know the truth.

“Yes, I do. I care about you, Ryan. I just don’t know if I can give you what you deserve. You deserve a woman who hasn’t been in love before.”

Ryan started to have hope. He understood her nerves and her conflicting emotions. There was a chance for them if her only fear was of her past feelings with Simon

“I don’t know if I can give you what you want. I’ve been a wife to your best friend, and a mother for so long. I never thought I’d be at this stage. Widowed and only twenty-five. I’ll get the room set up for you, and I do hope you can find some happiness, Ryan.”

“I love you, Jemma. I always will,” he called to her retreating back.
 

Her back tensed, and she paused by the door, turning back to look at him.

“I love you, too,” she said.

Ryan couldn’t believe her words, or at least he knew the love she felt was different to his. After all there were many different kinds of love.

Chapter Five

Over the next couple of days, Ryan moved his meager belongings into Jemma’s house. He took the only spare bedroom. Billy and Megan were really excited, and they’d just finished school for the season. Christmas was pretty much in full swing. Snow lay heavy outside, and the delicious smells coming from the kitchen would wake him up as Jemma worked like a mad woman to bake. She was a stay-at-home mother as Simon didn’t want her to go to work. He’d provided for her, and even in death he’d made sure she was taken care of with a small inheritance, so she was able to continue to stay with the children. She prepared cakes, mince pies, and tarts getting everything ready in time for the fair on Christmas Eve. The town’s people would hold a small fair of all the locally cooked food, and Jemma had become well known over the years for her baked goods.

Ryan helped her wherever he could, usually rolling out pastry or washing up her pans. The kids would go to their grandparents for a couple of hours a day, leaving Ryan and Jemma alone with nothing to amuse them but work and a tense silence.

During those times they were alone, Ryan felt her gaze on him. It didn’t matter where they were, if they were working together in the kitchen or watching a movie with the kids, he’d feel her stare. He would turn his head, and for a split second his heart would hope as the light would dance behind her eyes. Instead she would get distracted and turn away, breaking the moment.

He still lived in hope, and he’d love her with all of his heart. Until she was ready, he could wait.

****

Jemma hated hurting Ryan. She wanted to give him everything, and yet she held herself back. What would Simon do if he saw her? What would other people think if she gave herself to her husband’s best friend? She wished she could give him everything he needed, including her love, but her heart was owned by Simon, and she couldn’t just give it away.

You can’t die inside because Simon is not here.

Billy, Megan, and Sean broke the tension and created a magical house to be a part of. Without her three angels she wouldn’t know what to do with her time. She used the Christmas fair as a way to keep her mind and hands busy. Jemma couldn’t deny she wanted Ryan on a physical level. Her body came alive whenever he was near, and even her fantasies featured around Ryan. The most dominant one was of him taking her on the kitchen table.

Her fantasy would start with her in the kitchen at the stove making something as she always seemed to be doing just lately.

Ryan would enter as he always did, only this time he wouldn’t be wearing a shirt. Those rippling muscles were on display for her to see. She’d smile over at him. He’d stalk toward her, his intention clear. No talking. He’d turn off the stove then pull her shirt out of her pants, tearing it from her body.

Nothing nice, just hard, rough sex. She didn’t care because the kids were out, and there was no risk of them being interrupted. She’d pull at his jeans while he removed the rest of her clothes
.

He’d kiss and bite her neck and lips, arousing her with each touch. His teeth would graze into the flesh of her tits as he sucked each nipple into his mouth. In her fantasy Ryan would pick her up and place her on the counter. There was no need for foreplay as she was already soaking wet, begging for his cock. He’d align the tip of his cock to her entrance…

And then she would come out of her fantasy. No matter how much she tried to imagine or think nothing would replace what she wanted most. Jemma wanted Ryan. She didn’t know what to do about it. He’d opened up about what he felt, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit her own feelings for her dead husband’s best friend.

As she walked to pick up the kids she pondered her dilemma. By the time she got to Simon’s parents’ house she still hadn’t come up with a way of talking to Ryan. Jemma knew she should just tell him, but she couldn’t just blurt it out, could she?

Sighing in frustration, Jemma knocked on the door. She rubbed her numb hands together. She wore gloves, but they didn’t stop the chill biting at her.

Julie opened the door. Her smile welcomed Jemma. Considering Julie had all three children, the house was silent. The unmistakable scent of shortbread lingered in the air.

“Come in, sweetie. Granddad is looking after the three kids. Let’s have a chat and catch up. It’s been a while.” Julie led them down and through to the kitchen. In no time at all they were seated, drinking hot chocolate and eating Christmas cake.

“So, tell me about Ryan.” Julie broached the subject first. Jemma should have expected it. After all Ryan had his own room now.

“What do you want to know?” she asked.

“Well, Billy said Ryan had moved in recently and he was going to be their new daddy.”

Jemma didn’t know what to say or if Julie was having an issue with her moving another man into her husband’s home.

“He’s in the spare room—” She began to explain, but Julie put her hand up to stop her.

“I’m not asking. This is not an interrogation. Think of this as more of an intervention. You’re twenty-five years old, a widow with three kids. You’re too young to give up, mourning the death of your husband forever.” Julie stopped to take a sip of her chocolate, and Jemma wouldn’t dream of interrupting her. “Ryan is a good man. I’ve watched that boy grow up with Simon. They were inseparable. I know he loves you. Let’s face it, it would take a man with some backbone to stick around with a woman still mourning the loss of her husband, and three children who weren’t even his own. Now, I loved Simon, still do. He’s my son. He was my only boy and I’ll love him until the day I die, but you’ve got to move on. I’m not going to be one of these mothers-in-law that believe you should be suffering.”

Jemma didn’t know what to say. “You do realize you’re telling me to move on and with my husband’s best friend.”

“Dead husband. Simon didn’t deserve to go out like that, God rest his soul, and you know deep down Simon would want you to be happy, even if that meant you would be happy with Ryan,” Julie said.

Jemma sat back thinking about her mother-in-law had to say.

“Just promise me you’ll think about it. We want you to be happy. Simon loved you enough to want you to be happy.”

Jemma couldn’t stop the flow of tears gathering. It hurt but felt good to have Julie telling her this, accepting her into her family where her own had abandoned her.

“Oh, honey, we only want what is best for you.” She got up out of her chair and moved round to embrace Jemma in a motherly hug.

Later that night Jemma couldn’t take her eyes off Ryan. She didn’t know what to say to him, and the blush kept coming as he looked at her. Her body responded to him and the power of his touch. She found herself craving him. The odd caress as he moved past her or the way his hands circled her waist.

It was a few more days to Christmas, and she could wait.