A Cowboy at Heart (34 page)

Jesse straightened, his attention snagged. Was he talking about Colin’s church? Of course he was. It was the perfect place for an Amish community, with plenty of land stretching out in all directions. And if he were a betting man, he would put money on which piece of land Jonas would claim. His new home would be within sight of Emma’s and Rebecca’s.

“Is that not the church of your
Englisch
son-in-law?” The man who asked had introduced himself as Aaron Wagler when Jesse helped him park his buggy.

“The same.” Jonas looked the man straight in the eye. “I will not deny that I will be happy if the Lord allows us to settle near my daughters. But if He sends us elsewhere, I will go.”

Amos, who had been standing off to the side, stepped up beside him. “We will send a delegation to see the land and to pray to the Lord for guidance.”

The suggestion was met with approving nods all around.

“Who will go?”
Maummi
Switzer turned in her chair to look at the others. “When we came here to Apple Grove, we sent our bishop to see the land we were to buy.”

“Then we must ask the Lord to appoint new leadership.” Zacharias looked around the room. “Is it the intent of all here to go?”

The sound of shuffling feet drew attention to Levi Beachy. “I do not know. I must pray first and then speak with my father and…others.” He sent an inquiring glance across the room to the young woman who had arrived with him and Katie.

“A wise answer.” Jonas smiled at the young man. “And because
you are not married, your name will not be included in the lot regardless.”

Zacharias nodded. “Eight married men. We have no songbooks, but have we eight of any books?”

From his place leaning against the doorjamb, Jesse watched as the people shuffled around, searching through their belongings.
Maummi
Switzer brushed past him and disappeared up the stairs. They were going to pick a new bishop right now? And what was with the books? “I have one.” Zacharias’s wife, who was seated on the second row, pulled a worn book from her bag. “
Die Bibel
.”

Sarah’s voice came from the sickroom. “I have a Bible too. Katie, here. Take this to them.”

Heads turned as the bedroom door cracked open a bit farther and Katie emerged carrying a book that resembled the other, only newer. Then
Maummi
’s footsteps sounded on the stairs, and she came into the room, a stack of books in her arms. Two were Bibles, and the others were various sizes. “I found these in the chest from Emma’s room, left from her school days. Always a reader, our Emma.”

When they had assembled eight books, Zacharias carried them to the front of the room and handed them to Amos.

“Deacon Beiler, you are the only one among us who has born the yoke of leadership. I believe yours should be the hand to ready the lot.”

With a grave nod, Amos took the stack.
Maummi
Switzer, who had gone to a writing table in the corner, set a spool of spun wool and a slip of paper on top of the books. Everyone watched as Amos crossed the length of the room with a measured step. When he passed by Jesse as he exited, his lips moved in prayer.

Silence fell in the room. Most heads were bowed, though
Jesse caught a few anxious gazes exchanged between the men, or between a man and his wife. The atmosphere became heavy, pensive. Even Jonas, who had turned toward the wall, his hands clasped behind his back and his head bowed, maintained the rigid posture of one who dreaded what was about to come.

Sarah’s piercing voice cut the silence. “What’s going on out there? I can’t stand being in here where I can’t see anything.”

A few answering chuckles did little to ease the tension. From his position in the doorway, Jesse could see Amos in the kitchen. He laid out the books before him on the work surface, and then he picked one up. From the thickness, Jesse guessed that it was one of the Bibles, though he couldn’t see which one. Amos slid the piece of paper inside, closed it, and then tied the book with a piece of spun wool. That done, he tied wool around the rest of the books as well. Then he stacked them and carried them back to the room. When he had handed the load to Zacharias, he retired to a place in the far corner where he bowed his head and closed his eyes.

Zacharias carried the books to the writing table and laid them out, one at a time, on the desk. “May the Lord let the lot fall where He wills.”

The first man to approach the table was Jonas. Jesse watched closely as his hand hovered over the surface and then selected one of the books. He held the book at arm’s length, as though he dreaded touching it, and untied the wool. When he fanned the pages and revealed no slip of paper, a relieved smile lit his face. With a light step, he returned to his place beside Amos.

One by one the men followed his lead. Jesse noted with interest that their expressions ranged from worry to dread to, in a few cases, resignation. Aaron Wagler selected one of the Bibles, and
Jesse held his breath as he fanned the pages, looking for the paper that would change his life until the day he died. It was not there, and he smiled broadly. The next Bible was chosen by Leo Stolzfus, but again, the paper was not tucked within its pages.

When there were two books left on the table, both Bibles, Zacharias made his selection. Holding his book he turned to Amos, who had kept his eyes closed during the entire process. As though aware of the man’s regard, Amos raised his head. His expression did not change as he took note of the Bible in Zacharias’s hands and the other one on the table.

Zacharias slid the wool off of the cover. The silence in the room deepened as every eye focused on his hands. He opened the book, fanned the pages…

And came up empty.

Just to be certain, he held the book at arm’s length upside down and fanned the pages again. No paper fluttered to the floor.

Amos, his expression as unreadable as ever, left the corner and approached the table. The tension in the air stretched like a tight wire as he picked up the book, his movements slow and reverent. He untied the string and opened the pages.

There, tucked into the center of the Bible, was the slip of paper.

A collective sigh rose from every throat. A smile spread across Amos’s face as he once again bowed his head and closed his eyes, his lips moving in prayer. This time, Jesse felt sure, it was a prayer of thanksgiving.

Maummi
Switzer turned in her chair in the front row to face the room. “Our new bishop is Amos Beiler!”

“Waaaaaahooooooo!” The cheer from the sickroom drew chuckles from some and smiles from everyone.

Something stirred in Jesse’s chest. He had no doubt that the Lord had directed the selection process. Amos would make a fine bishop. He would administer his duties with wisdom and much prayer. A leader to be respected and admired. The urge inside Jesse’s ribcage increased until it became a pressing need to act. This was what he’d been waiting for, what he’d been searching for his whole life. The peace he needed wasn’t found from long hours in the saddle. It wasn’t found at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. It was here, among men and women who loved the Lord and listened for His direction. Finally, after years of looking, he’d found his home.

Almost before he knew he intended to move, his feet propelled him into the room. The quiet whispers fell silent as everyone fixed their attention on him. He didn’t stop until he stood at the front, looking into Amos’s eyes.

“Congratulations, Bishop Beiler.” He straightened to his full height, his spine erect. “I’d like to be your first convert.”

Amos’s close-set eyes widened, and behind him he heard
Maummi
Switzer’s swift intake of breath. He grinned at that, glad to have gotten one over on her. Behind Amos, Jonas wore a grin that could light up half of Kansas.

When he turned, he was greeted by the delighted smiles of his new family. But his eyes were drawn to the back of the room, to one lovely pair of eyes fixed on him. Katie had thrown the sickroom door open and stood with her gaze riveted on him, both hands clutching her throat. The joy that had filled Jesse’s heart a moment ago fled when he realized that the tears in her eyes were not joyful. Pain etched deep lines on her face. One hand rose to clamp over her mouth, as if to stifle a sob, and then she fled the
room. The sound of the door slamming shut behind her echoed throughout the house.

Katie burst through the front door and ran past the group of children who played in the grass waiting for their parents to leave the meeting. She did not stop, not even when Butch called after her. She stumbled and nearly fell, but still she ran, until her feet trod on a carpet of wilted apple blossoms. Throwing herself against the slender trunk of a tree, she finally allowed the tears to flow.

It was not fair! Yes, Jesse had told her he would consider becoming Amish, but she did not believe him. Turning him down was easy when she had her faith to fall back on, but that excuse had been taken from her. Now she was left with nothing but the truth. She was barren, worthless, a woman with nothing to offer. She had already spoiled one man’s dreams, had caused the end of an entire family line. And the man she loved was becoming Amish.

The pounding of feet behind her took her by surprise. Jesse. She should have known he would follow her.

“Go away.” Tears choked her, and the words came out strangled. “I want to be alone.”

“No, you don’t.” He came to a halt behind her. “You don’t want to be alone any more than I do.”

A bitter laugh slipped unbidden from her mouth. “What do you know of me? Nothing.”

“I know enough.” His voice fell softly on her ears, and he stood
so close his breath warmed the back of her neck. “I know everything I need to know about you. The way you sip your tea with your little finger held high. The way you put extra butter on your bread when you think nobody’s looking. I know you like cream on your berries, and the smell of your fingers after you handle tomato plants.”

Her tears slowed. How did he know those things? The times when she thought him asleep, he must have been watching her through the window while she worked in the garden.

“I know you pray for those you look after because I’ve seen your eyes close and your lips move. Your hands are tender and careful when you’re caring for a wound, but firm when they need to be.” His voice grew softer, almost a purr in his throat. “And I know you love children. You should see the way your eyes shine when you hold little Katherine. You need babies of your own, Katie. And a husband to help you care for them.”

Pain shafted through her. She turned to find him even closer than she realized. If she leaned forward, their bodies would touch. Instead, she shrank against the tree trunk.

“That is the one thing I cannot have.” Sobs threatened to close her throat, but she swallowed them back.

His head cocked sideways as his eyes pried into hers. “What do you mean?”

“Five years of marriage and no babies. Month after month we prayed, but either God did not hear or He chose to ignore our prayers.” The rough bark pressed into her back, and she leaned harder into it, welcoming the discomfort. “I am barren, Jesse. That is why I can never marry again.”

There. The words were spoken. Now all that was left was for
him to turn away, mumbling an excuse as he fled. She closed her eyes, unwilling to see the disappointment in his face.

“Is that why you won’t marry me?”

His question did not sound disappointed so much as curious. Cautiously, she cracked open an eye. His head was cocked sideways, and his lips had twisted into a bemused line that wrenched at her heart. That same smile had set her stomach to fluttering so many times.

“You deserve to have a family.” Though she had to rip the words from deep in a heavy heart, she forced herself to voice them. “A wife
and
children.”

The piercing gaze that searched her face softened. In the next instant she found herself pulled forward, encircled by his arms.

“Katie, Katie.” The whisper that tickled her ear held the hint of a chuckle. “If the only way I can have children is with someone else, I don’t want them. It wouldn’t be fair to marry another when you are the only woman I love.”

The warmth of his body, the strength of the arms that embraced her, and the heady, masculine scent that clung to him invaded her senses. Her spinning thoughts threatened to pull her into a whirlwind at which Jesse was the center.

She shook her head in an attempt to clear it. “But you would be such a good
fader
.”

“Well, I don’t know about that, but I do know you will make a good mother.” Warm, soft lips nuzzled her ear. “And I know a boy who needs a family. You won’t even have to change his dirty linens, though you might need to force him into a tub for a good scrubbing every week or so.”

Butch. A feeling akin to amazement flickered to life deep in
her soul. Butch did need a family, and she loved him already. Together she and Jesse could provide the home he so desperately needed. What joy it would give her to teach him the pathway to true peace.

She couldn’t think, not with Jesse’s breath warm against her cheek and his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. Jesse, who had announced his intention to become Amish moments ago. Jesse, who wanted to marry her, even though he knew she was barren.